erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) My pregnant gf left and told me she left me. However she called to say that my keys are under the rug and we talked when I was on my way from work. Strangely I'm not at a distress. Not by a longshot compared to my ex who brought me here. However I think I should be angry at her for staging this ruse. So yesterday we had an argument. Our arguments mainly look like that she is nagging and I'm silent. I not once raised my tone on her, I wasn't even mad at all since we are together. However I made clearly that I won't tolerate interferences from her or my family in our life together - we are living separately in another town. Couple of weeks ago her sister called me to ask me why her sister is crying home alone (we moved recently so she is mainly alone) becuase she thinks I'm cheating on her. Of course I'm not cheating on her, I have some chicks that I text with ocassionally but nowhere near that I'm interested as near as I was in my ex for example. She thought that because I wasn't interested in sex for a couple of days when she arrived - I was under stress because I provide alone for us, I work for 10hrs daily mostly and had exams around that time. I came couple of weeks prior to move in and arrange our apartment since she is pregnant. Some 10 days ago some chick from long ago sent me a FB request. I accepted that and that was the end of it. Yesterday she texts me while I was at work do we know each other. I respond that we do, albeit she hinted like we don't - I saw she tries to play head games with me and I know the all so that was about it from us. It turned out that earlier in the morning my fiancee while I was at work broke into my FB - because my emails and FB are accessible on my home workstation since I have nothing to hide, contacted her albeit she never met her and arranged with her that they are going to pull a stunt on me to put me in the spot like I'm arranging a date with that other girl so she can prove to me that she will always bust me when I'm texting with other girls! For that purpose she took my passwords from Firefox and installed my FB on her mobile phone lol So since I became like really nonchalant, I say, meh whatever, and changed my passwords - I returned them now since I don't care so much that I can't make myself to memorize new passwords. What bothers me is that her sister again came from another town to fetch her and made 300km roundtrip. That is what bothers me the most. Constant prying into our lives. I work hard, I have one exam left since yesterday, I provide for both of us and our unborn child and I really hate someone prying into my life and trying to teach me this or that. I don't tolerate that from my parents and I certainly will not from her or from her sister wtf. So even though I think I should be mad, I'm quite levelheaded. I told her that this is the last time she pulled a stunt like that and that in other case she is going home in one direction. She told that that statement was the reason she left today. I told her also that next week when her appointments at hospital regarding pregnancy are over, that she returns here. She told she won't but she will when she gives birth to our baby. She of course "forgot" to leave my money that was in her wallet. She is modest and neat, takes care of the household nicely but I think that lack of other occupation gives opportunity for this kind of stunts. What should I do? I told her to return next week, she said no, I think I should give her silent treatment now because after my ex I don't beg or plead and I know better now. There was no emotional or other cheating involved. Is my fiancee manipulating me? EDIT: my conversations with my buddies, some of which where my breakup buddies are also thoroughly scanned. Not only messages from another girls. Some of my viewpoints on life and marriage, relationships and stuff I tell to other members here are now used against me. Regards. -e Edited May 7, 2015 by erklat
d0nnivain Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 That is what bothers me the most. Constant prying into our lives. I work hard, I have one exam left since yesterday, I provide for both of us and our unborn child and I really hate someone prying into my life and trying to teach me this or that. I don't tolerate that from my parents and I certainly will not from her or from her sister wtf. Let me get this straight . . . You moved your pregnant GF away from her family. You leave her isolated at home alone for hours crying and when she or anybody else tries to talk to you about it you claim that you will not tolerate the mother of your unborn child prying into your life or trying to teach you? I'd dump you too. She's supposed to be your partner. That means she gets an equal say in your shared lives. If you are unwilling to include her, let her go. 6
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 She gets a say. We are one atomic unit, her family of orientation is another which doesn't have a say. I spent my whole life in one family where partners solved their problems by running for indoctrination to their parents place - ie. they never really left. That is not an option...
d0nnivain Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Read the highlighted part I quoted from your original post. You started out by insisting that you won't tolerate HER prying into your life. Now you are back peddling away from that. Which is it? You are a team or she's not. Plus if you are making their daughter / sister cry, You have have expect her family will come to her aid. 3
TunaCat Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I'd dump you too. You are controlling. You do not get to dictate where she goes. You are treating her horribly by not treating her as an equal. You don't get a say in if she's close to her family. If you can't deal with that, then you need to move on. You do not get to unilaterally decide that something is not an option. 1
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) How is that controlling? Excuse me but calling me during my work hours on accounts that I'm having an affair because I'm disinterested in sex is prying into things that are not their concern. You call that aid. I call that codependency. I go to work. I take only lunch money. I leave my purse at home. She can go wherever she wants. She gets to talk or text whoever she wants. I never asked. But functioning of our family and household is only our concern. I don't see how out of a wall of text and rare breach of privacy you only saw that she is home alone while I'm at work. Edited May 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Do you want advice about this, or do you want someone to tell you that you are right? If you want advice, people can give you advice. If you just want someone to take your side, you're probably in the wrong spot - especially because it sounds like you are being pretty selfish and intolerant of your pregnant fiancee and her family. Have you ever heard the phrase, you marry the woman, you marry the family? That is the case. You do. Have you ever heard of the drastic hormonal changes a woman goes through during her pregnancy? That, also, is the case. We do. You need to start with those two phrases, and distinguish whether or not you can appropriately communicate with your fiancee about. Communicate, not bark orders at. So, let's pretend like you want advice, since this is an advice board. The first thing I noticed was your reference of "chicks,' which leads me to believe that perhaps you have an attitude about women that may somewhat justify your pregnant fiancee to be concerned about you fraternizing with other "chicks." These "chicks" that you are not involved with and will text sometimes, but nowhere near how you feel about your girl - to paraphrase what you said - are the ones she worries about. I find it interesting that you so elaborately described what these "chicks" are to you, when most of us would just call these women friends. If you're not using the word "friends," then one would wonder why are you talking to these girls? I would, and I would likely have a similar reaction to your fiancee if I were pregnant with hormones raging that I cannot control. Think about all of that. You shouldn't have "chicks" that you text when you are engaged with a pregnant fiancee. if they're friends, then they're friends. If they are not, then they need to go. Adjusting your life to merge with your fiancee's is stressful, especially when you two have a baby on the way. Emotions will run high, and that is why you need to learn to communicate with her, and not just talk at her. If you can't figure this out, and have some patience and empathy for her feelings, then these 9 months are going to be hell. Now, back to the family thing. You two just moved away from her family. She's alone and pregnant most of the day. Her family has been a part of her life longer than you have, so it isn't you that they are going to have to adjust to. It is you that will have to adjust to them. Family doesn't go anywhere, and you do have to learn to live with your significant other's family if you intend to spend your life together. This is another one of those communication opportunities. You and your fiancee should sit down and talk about this, and compromise on some boundaries for your new life together. You do not get to just tell her what you are going to tolerate and not tolerate. You didn't just buy a puppy - you are engaged to be married to another person. Treat her like one. So, what you should do is apologize for being a controlling jerk that is only thinking of yourself. Talk to her like an adult, and include her in the conversation so you both can make decisions together about your life together. Be there for her during her pregnancy, because it's a time in her life where she needs to know that you will be. For the love of God, you're going to be raising a life together. If you think her behavior is irrational, just wait til your child starts talking and walking around. Life isn't just your way. You're going to have to bend some to make this work.
BC1980 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Of course I'm not cheating on her, I have some chicks that I text with ocassionally but nowhere near that I'm interested as near as I was in my ex for example. Why are you texting with other women? It's sounds like you would be interested in having a relationship with another woman. 3
Satu Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I just dumped the OP from my psyche, so I'll leave this thread to people with more patience than me. Bye 1
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Oh, and one more thing: "EDIT: my conversations with my buddies, some of which where my breakup buddies are also thoroughly scanned. Not only messages from another girls. Some of my viewpoints on life and marriage, relationships and stuff I tell to other members here are now used against me." This? You are bringing some of this on yourself by the shady way you're acting. And, AND, some of your viewpoints on life and marriage, relationships and stuff are things you should be telling her about. You're engaged and you have a baby on the way. Seriously. 1
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 I told her to come back because this is her household also. I'm not asking ten times. That is what I was interested to hear. Um, I don't think that she will be receptive of my viewpoints that her and child are not beginning and end of my or anyone's life and that no matter how good relationship progresses you should always be aware where is the escape route located.
sandylee1 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 The fact that you're not that bothered shows you don't really love her. If you did, you'd be so concerned that the mother of your unborn child is hurting like this. Her hormones are probably all over the place. You didn't want sex and you have other girls texting you. She's feeling vulnerable and if you cared about her, you'd be more understanding and reassure her. Would you be okay if she was texting other guys?
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I told her to come back because this is her household also. I'm not asking ten times. That is what I was interested to hear. Um, I don't think that she will be receptive of my viewpoints that her and child are not beginning and end of my or anyone's life and that no matter how good relationship progresses you should always be aware where is the escape route located. Do your fiancee and your unborn child a favor and break it off. You do not seem to have any idea about what it means to start a life and family with another person. We're not speaking of a relationship progressing, we're talking about marriage and family. You don't seem to understand that, and you also started this sentence with "I told her." WRONG ANSWER, BUDDY. Break it off, because you do not have what it takes to start a life with someone. I'm going to echo the rest of the people in this thread: I'd dump you too.
stillafool Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I imagine you are treating your fiancee this way because she is pregnant and you are stupid enough to think no one else will want her. You sir are wrong. I hope she stays away from you.
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 I will translate her message : what is control freak? It's all about your ego and how you feel and you don't care for others. #list of my friends here# all think me a fool. Build our household with someone else and YOUR money. Tell #a friend# to give that shirt to someone else, I don't want anything from her. My ego could probably be a problem. But last time I concentrated myself on someone else I ended up creating an account on love shack. Just saying ...
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) Would you be okay if she was texting other guys? She texts with some of her ex partners actually. She even says that she had better sex with one before me. I'm not phased at all with that and I am not jealous 0.00001%. I even encourage her. and you also started this sentence with "I told her." Stop nitpicking. I sent her a message, I sent smokesignals, I drew, I whispered. Who cares? The message is carried to the other side... Edited May 7, 2015 by erklat
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I will translate her message : My ego could probably be a problem. But last time I concentrated myself on someone else I ended up creating an account on love shack. Just saying ... Her naming your ego, and practically every response alluding to it, says that your ego certainly is the problem. There's always three sides to a story: yours, hers, and the truth. Your side isn't making you out to be the good guy, so I can't imagine what the full picture is. And as far as the advice that you seek - you don't always get the advice you want, but you do get the advice you need. If you really want to reconcile this, then you need to look deeper into your own issues, which seem to be ego, commitment, and family...and perhaps these "chicks" that you still haven't distinguished as friends or not.
BlueIris Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Let her go. You’re still not over your ex before her, or you wouldn’t keep bringing it up. You clearly don’t respect and understand her or her family. She’s not manipulating you. She’s gone. Leave her alone, be kind and mature, and after the baby’s born, work out parenting time, child support and how you can be a good dad. You never should have gotten that involved while you were still licking your wounds over your ex. Take the time to get yourself centered now. You’re going to be a dad soon.
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 I'm not looking for outside validation any longer. That was one of the first thing I learned during my trauma. I don't need to be a good guy. She does her and I do me. Mathematically speaking relationship is an intersection. Union and relationship is an impossibility. It even has it's name.
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Let her go. You’re still not over your ex before her, or you wouldn’t keep bringing it up. You clearly don’t respect and understand her or her family. She’s not manipulating you. She’s gone. I don't allow my parents to steer my thoughts and I certainly won't allow hers. I don't see how that is a problem. Parents manipulating your life is one of the worse curses you can live in. My mother has to go to my granmothers to ask for my fathers pay like she's 15 and not 50. You suggest I should create that kind of family? How to explain her installing my facebook and social media accounts on her phone?
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I don't allow my parents to steer my thoughts and I certainly won't allow hers. I don't see how that is a problem. Parents manipulating your life is one of the worse curses you can live in. My mother has to go to my granmothers to ask for my fathers pay like she's 15 and not 50. You suggest I should create that kind of family? How to explain her installing my facebook and social media accounts on her phone? You are apparently hell-bent on not listening to any advice you have received here. The facebook question has already been answered, by the way, by several people. So, if you're not listening to advice and not reading the advice you have been given, then why are you here? If you just want to vent, that's fine, but this is an advice board.
sandylee1 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I really don't feel you are mature enough for this kind of relationship. I don't agree that family should interfere, but if my sister was pregnant, crying and upset, then I would be concerned about it. I would ask the man she's living with what's going on. I agree that maybe Co parenting is best. There's nothing in your posts, that indicate you love her. I have to say I do wonder what children are brought into this world, when the parents aren't in the right place mentally to deal with parenthood. Take a step back. Imagine this was your sister going through this. If you honestly think you've done nothing wrong, you two are best apart.
Author erklat Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Because you are advising the very thing that brought my family of orientation in crisis multiple times. Yes, they can interfere in cases of extreme physical and emotional abuse. Not in the cases where I talk to some girl or don't want to have sex becasue I'm stressed. I'm here because I overcame the breakup by the book and I can give advice or two how it's done. But now I don't want to run after her and that was why am I asking. Line has to be drawn in the sand that she can't violate my privacy. I can ask her to come back next week. Or I can do no contact. I'm capable of both, but no pleading etc.
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