Should I send him my "goodbye" letter? (addict ex)

[jinxycat]

My ex and I broke up about 6 months ago. He was an ex-addict who was addicted to pills. He went to rehab, and did not participate in any 12 step program. I had never dated an addict before, and really, didn't know the "rules" for that. He was very nonchalant about his addiction, and acted like it was no big deal, and he was fine. He still drank and smoked pot with his friends occasionally, but since he made it seem like it was no biggie, since he wasn't taking pills, I just went with it. I stupidly even drank with him when we went out. That still makes me feel extremely guilty for enabling him, but honestly, I just didn't know any better. He fed me a lot of lines about how special I was, and how he really wanted to make this relationship work, and I took him at his word, because I would never spout off lies like that to anyone. Well, he disappeared for about a week, and would not tell me what was going on, only that he was in the middle of some weird situations, and would get back to me soon. I let him have his space, but I still knew something was up. Turns out that he relapsed, and magically had a "friend" come up from LA and "saved him" from overdosing. Oh, and this friend was an ex-addict so they knew how to get him back on his feet. Which was to move to LA and start a new life there. Oh, and not to worry because he had an addiction counselor lined up there.

 

I was in complete shock, and despair, because I knew it was all a bunch of lies, and he was still in complete addict mode. I really felt like I would never see him again due to drugs, and that really hurt. And this "friend" turned out to be a girl that he was heavily flirting with the entire time we were together. So, he left me for her, and surprise! They are using together (only admitting to pot though)! I only found this out for stupidly checking on social media if he was still alive. I blocked him right away on social media when we broke up because he was just being so cowardly, and wouldn't meet with me in person to say goodbye or anything. He had moved on, and so should I. Turns out that it was a really good idea to block him because his fb page is full of pictures of them looking so happy, and him bragging about how much sex they are having, and how she is the best thing for him. Yes, I dated a compete jerk.

 

This snooping on social media brought up some things, and I composed a pretty long letter to him explaining my side of what happened, and actually an apology for enabling him because I just didn't know any better. And that I hoped that he was still sober (I know thats a lie) and that I'm actually doing really good, and I sort of forgive him for our ending, and hope he is doing great as well. Because when he was sober, he was a really great guy, and did make me feel special. This letter is basically my "goodbye" that I never got to say to him. Its almost feels like making peace with someone before they die, because if they are using together, he will die from his addiction.

 

I've been struggling with the idea of wether or not to send it. My hopes are that he at least see's my side, and perhaps would do a re-evaluation of his addiction. Just because he left me for another girl, and was cowardly, I don't want him to kill himself. But, the letter leaves no open ended questions, because I don't think he will write back, and honestly, I don't really want him to. I guess this letter is more of a selfish act of therapy on my part, but do you think it would do him any good if I did send it?

[d0nnivain]

Don't send the letter. It's a waste of postage. Nothing you do will make him see your side. If he was capable of that kind of empathy or self-analysis you two would not have broken up.

[RoseHeart]

I'll be honest and blunt. Sending him that letter will make you look like the desperate girl who is still not over him. He's long gone and moved on. Anything you say to him will only make you look like you can't move on or let go. It's basically useless information. Even telling him how good you are doing. It's essentially useless to him because if he cared he would have known this because he'd still be with you. Yet he's not with you so as much as it hurts I don't see how it will change his life in knowing you're doing good and that you hope he's still sober. You're doing more harm than good in my opinion. I really regret personally all the times I've poured my heart out in messages sent to ex's in last effort to communicate how I feel. Giving them the satisfaction of knowing you still think about them is much more of a defeating feeling than just walking away with dignity. I wish I could have done that with previous ex's. Thankfully this time around for me I've realized I won't give my current ex any satisfaction and it has been working great so far. Sometimes it's better to be silent and to let karma get to them.

[stillafool]

It's good you wrote the letter to get it out now you can burn it. Seriously, like everyone else said it will do no good and will make it seem that you still aren't over him. He has moved on now and so should you. TBH no one ever gets real closure from talking to the ex. You really have to make your own.

[badpenny]

Please know this, and know this for an absolute, undeniable fact:

 

The most important thing to an addict - above anything else - is his addiction.

Nothing else even comes close.

 

He likes this girl and is with her (and it seems he always has been) because she supports, enables and encourages his addiction.

She's as bad as he is, so they are of like Minds.

 

you are the fly in the ointment.

You're the spoil-sport.

 

An therefore, you are, by comparison, unimportant, to the point of being insignificant.

 

I would urgently and immediately stress and recommend that you do NOT take that personally.

 

It's nothing personal; if it wasn't you, it would be someone else.

For example, if this girl sees the light, comes to her senses, and comes off the drugs and cleans up - he will drop her like a hot brick.

 

he wants encouragement and approval.

And he will go wherever that is.

 

So, tragically, nothing you say or write will have the slightest effect - for more than about 30 seconds.

 

Please don't waste your time on this.

The only way out for him, is for him to find the way out.

On his own, and by his own volition.

 

Keep your counsel, move on and let him go.

You'll be by far much better off that way.

 

take care, and hugs to you.

[jinxycat]

Thanks for the unanimous advice. Life just really sucks when you can't make the other person see how they made you feel by their actions and choices. This relationship had a huge impact on me just due to the addiction issue. I trusted that he had it under control, and that he would come to me if he had any issues with his sobriety. And I feel really guilty for not seeing signs that something was up, and ending sooner, so I wouldn't have been cheated on.

This new girl is some piece of work, but I don't think she really knew that we were dating seriously. That was him being an arse, and getting his jollies. I really hope that karma comes to bite them, but I also know that they are living a deluded fantasy that will crash and burn. Two addicts together is just a disaster waiting to happen. However, I learned many things from this relationship, like never date an addict, or a comedian!

[jinxycat]

Sorry BadPenny, I didn't notice your post.

 

It's nothing personal; if it wasn't you, it would be someone else.

 

Funny, that is exactly what my grandma told me when I broke down and told her what happened. Except she also added that he was a loser.

 

Hes also riding on the coattails of this girl because she has established herself as a comic in LA, and he wants to be famous doing comedy as well. That is actually how they met. He even told me that he would never date another comic because it would be like dating someone from work and because the comedy circle is so small. I think he will use her to try and get ahead, or secretly start resenting her because she has headlined shows and whatnot, and he thinks that he is a better comic than her. So, that will be interesting. Right now from what I could see is that they are living together and sooooo happy.

 

What I don't get is if you are a friend of someone who you know has a substance abuse problem, wouldn't you say something if they post about using still? Yes, I do see pot as a drug, especially for an addict. I guess that is just my personality? I wouldn't want to be associated with, and would distance myself from a friend that I know is continuing to use. But hey, its LA. Drugs are everywhere, and no one really gives it a second thought.