Ravers groove Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Hi folks I'm from the UK ,I'm male 36 . I hope this is the right place to be posting Sorry If it's not then please amend Here's my story I've been with my partner for 15 yr We have a 3yr old together a rented house and 3 pets We both work . The relationship we had was like most It had its up and downs but never really in danger of collapsing We had a break 2yr ago because I was unemployed She moved to her mums and 5 month later came back Employment found . I suffer from anxiety and depression Therefore I take meds my partner always knew this and was Supportive , Just after Xmas last year my partners shared horse Was put to sleep , she was devastated but continued to act normal Without really breaking down etc . I knew she was gutted And sad but she dealt with it in her own way she's always been A strong level headed person . I started a new med as I had a bad experience With another Early feb this year as the meds Started working I was noticing how different She became almost like a distant partner Not really intrested in cuddles or kisses etc I was also noticing she had lost some weight And had bought new clothes . It's as if I was blind beforehand And as I was beginning to find my feet I asked her what was wrong and she kept saying nothing , nothing's wrong I even asked if she was seeing anyone else This really annoyed her and said stop asking me that in a raised Voice . So one night at the end of March I kept Repeatedly asking what was wrong what came next I never imagined in a million years She said - I don't have feelings for you anymore My heart sank after a 3 sec pause I was like in a dream state I wasn't taking in what she was saying My heart fluttered as she spoke more I was in awe , complete shock I would ask her for the next 2-3 weeks what was the problem It's as if she felt that I didn't love her or support her I tried to explain time and time again that I did Ive broke down every day since going over and over scenarios I'm still in shock yet trying to figure out where it all went wrong This has hit me like a ton of bricks I've never experienced anything like This in my life , I'm so emotionally upset I feel lost , insecure Afraid and so on . I ask myself why me what have I done to deserve this We're still living together which makes things hard But sometimes I feel safe and I know it's a false sense of security etc It's been 4 weeks now . I'm sleeping on the sofa I've lost a lot of Weight And my head is somewhere else . The thoughts that are playing out Are terrible I feel as if I cannot cope as I already suffer with anxiety & depression , it's as if I'm on borrowed time something has to give Then I worry about when she meets another person and i visualise Them in an intimate way . I'm torturing myself but I cannot help it This feeling is so strong . Thanks to anyone who reads this I'm just lost and dont know what to do
PegNosePete Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Then I worry about when she meets another person Sorry to say this buddy, but chances are very high that she is/was cheating on you. She is displaying all of the classic cheating signs here. Right down to getting angry when you confronted her about it. It's like she's following a cheaters handbook or something. She is doing every single classic sign of someone who is involved in an affair. Has she told you that she still loves you but is not in love with you any more? I would bet my bottom dollar that there is 3rd party involvement here.
Author Ravers groove Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 She has said there's no one else I've even spoken to her mum and she thinks The same . She's not really got the time As she works then comes home she doesn't Go out . What she has started doing is the gym though Which they can use through work for free She has been going 2 days after work I did consider watching to see what is going on I still might . But I'm paranoid and only torturing Myself looking for something which may not be there
Ruby65 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 The classic signs are there, I'm afraid I agree with PegNose. Just curious, you've been together 15 years.... why no ring?
Author Ravers groove Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Sorry should have mentioned Engaged for 5yr .
PegNosePete Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) She has said there's no one else Oh it must be true then. Cos cheaters never lie - right?? Sorry dude you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Why are YOU on the sofa, when it's HER who has the issues here? Edited May 7, 2015 by PegNosePete 1
tylerj Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Let's just assume she is telling the truth and she has simply fallen out of love. That's the situation you're in. It's unlikely to reverse, I'm afraid. It's just one of those things that happens to many of us on here. You need to sort out a few things. 1. Living. Whose house are you in? Why are YOU sleeping on the sofa when she broke up with you? 2. Get the engagement ring back. You're entitled to that. 3. If you can figure out your living situation, you need to work towards the goal of no longer being in contact with her, as hard as that may seem right now. It is a long recovery process, but one that - with help of friends and family, and here, you will make it. 4. If you feel yourself reaching out, come on here and post about it rather than talking to her. 1
Ruby65 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Engaged for 5yr . Ouch! A five year engagement? Why so long? Look, I'm not asking to be mean. I think there were probably some underlying issues here that caused her to look to other guys and that could be the crux of it right there. If I was with someone and they waited ten years to propose.... then another five years of engagement.... I'm getting off that train at some point. I think it's very clear she's lying about not seeing anyone else. It could just be an emotional affair at this point, but I'd be stunned if she ever admitted it to you.
Twigyy Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 She would lie to you if she is interested in another guy. But for your case, there is no point in asking, because the question that you need to know is if she loves you, not if she loves another guy, you get it? What's important in your life is if the people you choose to be with, loves you. If they don't there is no point asking who is she with, where is she gonna go, what are they gonna do. You are the main character in your life, so its most important to take care of yourself before others. Now that she decides to leave the relationship, you'll have to take extra care of yourself. You can't be sleeping on the couch for the rest of the year. Get plenty of water, spend more time excercising, or just do some pushups, anything really. No one wants to cuddle with someone who doesn't love you... Pick yourself up. Brush yourself and pat yourself on the shoulder. Tell yourself, it is okay to feel this way, and I will feel better today. Put no effort in thinking about that girl who doesn't love you. Do everything that makes you happy, and find yourself again. You were okay before you found her, and you can be okay without her. Use this time to make yourself a better person, and you will attract someone who won't leave you after 15 years. No one deserves to be unhappy. I'm sure that you'll love again. 2
10yearsgoneaway Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) I feel for you. Mine was the same. 10 years. No cheating, but told me he fell out of love and doesn't have feelings for me anymore. played out the same too, he became distant, almost mad, I kept asking...he would say "nothing" or "bad day at work" then one day told me "he can't do this anymore, I no longer have feelings" I know most believe the other was cheating, but I know mine wasn't. And you, after 15 years would know her enough to know she is telling the truth. And also like you his father had also said the same. Classic signs aside, you know she wasn't cheating if she wasn't. You just know. I'd rather that he was cheating because falling out of love is worse in my opinion. Because you see it in their eyes and feel it in your heart, that they don't care on that level. No contact is the best way to go, although trust me when I say I know it seems impossible after that many years. But when the other really doesn't have feelings, ANY contact is going to hurt like hell. Honeymoon phase breakups (2-3 years) seem like a cakewalk after a longer term relationship. There are deeper bonds and shared experiences you just do not have with shorter term relationships. I am only 2 months out, went through the crisis, shock, and anger phases and now just extremely sad and missing him. I did not do no contact however, I lived at the house for a month after the break up and still take care of his fathers house (which I am now seeing I just can't do) Still fresh from it, I have no useful insight, other than than telling you you are not alone. Sometimes that helps. It is hard also when the world will tell you she was cheating, and you will think this yourself, but, like mine also, all those years and no ring is a major red flag, and I'm sure in the 15 years you knew somewhere inside it wasn't going to happen. If she really doesn't care, you knew that on some level, but never thought it would come to a break up. This may all seem harsh, but the sooner you accept the truth, you can move on. I fought in the beginning and trying to get someone to stay who just doesn't love you causes more emotional damage than imagined. I'm not trying to dismiss shorter term relationships, but, the longer ones have deep, solid life bonds that will rip you apart in the beginning. I look back at my shorter term ones where I thought the world had ended, and laugh at them. This is a much different type of break up. I'm here if you need to talk. Also, read Divorce forums, they tend to be closer experiences with these longer term relationships and living together, shared family..etc.. Edited May 7, 2015 by 10yearsgoneaway 1
Ruby65 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 And you, after 15 years would know her enough to know she is telling the truth. And also like you his father had also said the same. Classic signs aside, you know she wasn't cheating if she wasn't. You just know. Yeah.... you *know* what you *want* to believe is the truth. I had an emotional affair on a longterm partner I'd been with many years, and absolutely denied it with every fiber of my being.... and if you asked him today, 20 years later, he'd STILL swear on his life I was telling him the truth! I've been shocked -- astonished! -- completely blindsided twice by people who I would've bet my life on would never have cheated on me. But they did. People who are unfaithful -- physically or emotionally -- are able to get away with it because we love them and trust them and *want* to believe in them. It's human nature.... but that doesn't make it the truth. 1
10yearsgoneaway Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Yeah.... you *know* what you *want* to believe is the truth. I had an emotional affair on a longterm partner I'd been with many years, and absolutely denied it with every fiber of my being.... and if you asked him today, 20 years later, he'd STILL swear on his life I was telling him the truth! I've been shocked -- astonished! -- completely blindsided twice by people who I would've bet my life on would never have cheated on me. But they did. People who are unfaithful -- physically or emotionally -- are able to get away with it because we love them and trust them and *want* to believe in them. It's human nature.... but that doesn't make it the truth. I...do still wonder. you are right. But in my situation, he never wanted the relationship and we had breakups in the past. He once said about him being an only child that he was glad because "he could not stand having someone always around" I think he tried and just couldn't do it anymore. We still talk, he's not seeing anyone, and generally enjoys being alone. This was something I always knew about him and worried about. Over the years I thought about leaving but was too weak, so, once I "settled" it came back and kicked my butt. Most times they cheat, sometimes, they just don't want you. If he did cheat, it was only over the internet or emotional. There was never a time he was unaccounted for. No mystery texts, or phone calls. We also have nothing in common. so far that we hate some of each others interest. We had our issues and a not great relationship. living in a 900 sq ft condo for the last 3 years with financial issues is what compounded it all. In this circumstance, I don't think cheating is what happened. Breaking points were reached is all.
Author Ravers groove Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Thanks to all who have took the time To respond I honestly don't think she is cheating There is no room for it as she doesn't Go out etc . We are always in the house At night and so on . It's not as if she's mostly Out specially at the weekends I understand I should be sleeping in the bed and not her But just now it's so overwhelming . Also It's as if I'm just glad that we're still in the same house I know that no contact is best , it's quite hard When you get hit with something like this I could sleep at my mums but only on her sofa As my sister and nephew have rooms there She could stay at her mums but has stated that She doesn't want to upheave our daughter I have the engagement ring it was the first To come off . The house we are in is rented Therefore requires our 2 incomes to keep it running It's a tricky situation
Ruby65 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 For your sake, for your well-being and healing, it's for the best if you don't continue to co-habitate. If she's made this decision, let her live it. So I'd recommend crashing on another sofa for a few weeks if you think it's best for your daughter to stay with her mom.
Author Ravers groove Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Never a truer statement ruby If she's made this decision , let her live it She has mentioned that I would need to pay for our daughter This I understand but her figures of £100 a week are way out That amount would cover the rent whilst I slept On a sofa , you can see where I'm coming from This is worse than I have ever imagined
NopeNah Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I disagree about the "no ring" statements in here. When has a "ring" ever stopped a breakup/affair/divorce? I mean, there's a section on here for divorce and infidelity,after all. After my divorce, I vowed to never marry again. To me it's only legal paperwork,for tax reasons,ect.. I know some view it as a status symbol and most girls dream and what not...Anyways... Good luck to you,buddy! 2
10yearsgoneaway Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I disagree about the "no ring" statements in here. When has a "ring" ever stopped a breakup/affair/divorce? I mean, there's a section on here for divorce and infidelity,after all. After my divorce, I vowed to never marry again. To me it's only legal paperwork,for tax reasons,ect.. I know some view it as a status symbol and most girls dream and what not...Anyways... Good luck to you,buddy! True. A ring won't stop a split up. But when you are with someone for years and there is no step forward...that could be an indicator that someone isn't fully invested.
10yearsgoneaway Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Never a truer statement ruby If she's made this decision , let her live it She has mentioned that I would need to pay for our daughter This I understand but her figures of £100 a week are way out That amount would cover the rent whilst I slept On a sofa , you can see where I'm coming from This is worse than I have ever imagined It is going to be awful for a while. In your distress, you will make bad judgments I stayed. For a month. Against ALL advice. It was my home after all. I also thought, maybe if I stayed there would be reconciliations. But they are done..they are done. It will cause heartache and fights...and the fights will be unlike any other during the relationship. Trust me, I know it seems like a deep hole. I was only working part time, so I had to find a place, get a job, cope with that enormous rejection from him. His dad even tried to talk sense into him and took my side. I am starting my life from the very bottom and beginning. I stayed at the house for a month after the break up. ( he said we could be roommates) He was nice about it, asked if needed anything when he went to the store, was quite, respectful. But the heart and brain do not communicate well. Everything hurt and prevented acceptance. You need to move out asap - even if you go back at a later time for financial/child reasons - you need that space to deal with the loss. You need to get out of relationship habits with them. You can't do it in the same living space.
Esraem Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 For your sake, for your well-being and healing, it's for the best if you don't continue to co-habitate. If she's made this decision, let her live it. So I'd recommend crashing on another sofa for a few weeks if you think it's best for your daughter to stay with her mom. I can tell you that cohabitation is hard since I have been doing it for the last 3 weeks since being served. If it wasnt for my lawyer saying to not move, I think I would have. The reason for not moving is I am going for custody of my daughter. Good Luck!
dave_1966 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 True. A ring won't stop a split up. But when you are with someone for years and there is no step forward...that could be an indicator that someone isn't fully invested. The ring is meaningless, I recently split with my ex gf of ten years. In that time of her two closest married friends one suffered a divorce where the husband blindsided her and left overnight, and the other one slept with another man and after councelling they are holding it together for the kids. We outlasted a number of other marriages in her circle. You can be totally invested without marriage. I would advise this guy to move out of the home and let his partner sort her head out whilst paying all the bills. He needs to be out of that toxic environment to gain some distance and possibly make her miss him. He should also seek councelling if she's willing, and see his doctor about medication to help him sleep.
Author Ravers groove Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Just broke down this morn This feeling is like no other . I'm trying to stay strong This situation has completely took over What am I supposed to do
Toodaloo Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 You get some proper advice. Pop down to Citizens Advice to sort out what would be considered a suitable amount of maintenance for your daughter based on your earnings. Start giving her that by standing order each month. There are guidelines for this that are based on you having enough to live while also supporting your daughter. Get yourself on housing lists and search for house shares and get out of that house and into a place where you can call home and have your daughter to stay with you. Move. Lay down access rules. Concentrate on work. Get out with friends, get plenty of excersise and concentrate on eating properly. Do not dither about.
imbax Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 wow reading your story really makes my own break up sound minuscule in comparison. I am terribly sorry for your loss, I believe that with every journey comes so much love. The longer the journey the more love there is. Truly sad story man.
Author Ravers groove Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 It really is heart breaking I'm lost , crying , and so on It's like my life has ended , how can I go on This pain is unbearable
imbax Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 It really is heart breaking I'm lost , crying , and so on It's like my life has ended , how can I go on This pain is unbearable mate your life has not ended. You still have many many years ahead of you. Stay positive and keep a strong mind set. Times are tough. Let the sadness engulf you. Sometimes I find it easy just to do that and have a cry. Be strong man 1
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