Sharing my story

[karolanne]

Hello everyone,

 

I want (and need) to share my story. I'm not sure if I'm expecting anything by doing so.

 

First, please, excuse my bad English. My mistakes won't be on purpurse.

 

I'm a 42 years old woman and I'm codependant.

 

I've been single for about 5-6 years on purpurse, to work on myself and most of it, on my self-esteem. Then, came a time when I felt that I was ready to meet a man.

 

Last April (2014), I met a man. And like a codependant, I felt in love with him very fastly, too fast. It wasn't the case for him, but he finally felt in love with me.

 

Unfortunatly, in last September (2014), I learned that I have a breast cancer. I couldn't work anymore, so, I went to live with my new boyfriend. And honestly, since I'm a codependant, I was happy to make that move despite the circunstances.

 

Then, started the abuse and the violence. I was trapped in an abuser/victim relationship. I was trapped because of money, but because, yeah, I know, I said it at least twice already, I'm a codenpendant,

 

I had a surgery (general anesthesia) in last December (2014). Less than 24 hours after my surgery, I was back home. In the middle of the night, my ex-boyfriend woke me up (he was on drugs and alcool). And I can't remember what happened because of the anesthesia + the morphine. But I ended up in the street at 4 o'clock in the morning with nothing at all. He kept my purse and my phone. I couldn't call anyone. I had to walk to a friend, wake him up. He asked my ex to give me my things. The time I walked back home, I was exhausted and had to beg him to let me sleep on the couch.

 

That was the kind of relationship I had.

 

I called what I can call "friends" and asked them if they can take me with my dogs (2 chihuahuas) since last November. I even called what I have left of family. No one wanted to take me, dogs or not. The main reason was that they (friends) knew my ex, that he can be violent, and they didn't want to have any troubles with him.

 

In last February, not long after Valentine day, I left his place because I couldn't live with that anymore (it reached the point when he was telling me when I could go to the bathroom, could go to pee). I ended up in my car, in winter (Quebec winter - minus 20-30 celius). I found a friend who accepted to take my dogs and then, I was heading up to a violented women shelter. Then, my friend decided to take me with the dogs. She saw how miserable I was...

 

Despite everything that he've done (belittle me, beating me, spitting on me...), since I'm a codependant (yeah, I know, fourth or fifth time), I was still contacted him. But as an abuser, when I left his place, he felt that he lost control and to protect himself (his emotions), it wasn't hard for him to turn the page and move on.

 

So, I ended up doing everything an ex shouldn't do, going to showing up at his place and begging him to take me back.

 

When I told him that I was about to have another surgery on May 12, his answer was "I wish you die alone in your ****hole". He said that I didn't deserve to be loved from anyone and that I'm the meanest person he ever met in his life.

 

Las time I saw him, I touched his shoulder and he immediatly went to the bathroom to wash his shoulder saying that I was disgusting, full of germs and I don't know what else.

 

Then, I read some books, but it didn't help much. I finally call a crisis center and five minutes later, cops were at my door to take me to a crisis center.

 

Came back home and continued to read books about break up, codependency and self-esteem.

 

Today, I'm at 7 days of NC. And I'm pround of me.

 

Last Monday, he sent me an email stating that the hospital called him because they couldn't reach me on my phone. They wanted to confirm the schedule of the surgery. He said some nice tings in his email and asked me to tell him when my surgery will be done.

 

I was asking myself, since it's a serious matter, perhaps I should reply to him that at least, I got his message.

 

I asked myself that question for 3 days. I felt like it's a serious matter but if I reply to him, I break my NC wich will have bring me to lose the little pride I got from being able to doing the NC.

 

Finally, today, I told myself "if it was really important to him, he would at least have called me, or sent another email to make sure that I got his first one". So, I decided not to reply. Then, I still have my pride for doing the NC.

 

First book that started to help me is "Ignore the guy get the guy from Leslie Braswell". I didn't buy it because I wanted my ex back. I new for a long long time that I was in an unhealthy relationship. Not, it was the content of the book that appealled me (on amazon, you can look at the content of some books). With this book, I realized that I did almost everything a "crazy ex" would do. I even texted the author on Facebook. I said "ok, I've done almost everything a "crazy ex" can do. Now what?". And she replied. She said some encouraging words. Only one thing she said that I didn't agree with "no man on earth deserve you to want to kill yourself". To wich I replied "it has nothing to do with him at all. It all has to do with me".

 

The other book that is helping me a lot is "Self-Esteem from Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning". But I want to mention that this book is absolutly not for begginners. I mean, I did my first suicidal attempt I was about6 6-8 years old. I have quite some experience with therapies and introspection. This book is a real cognitive therapy. So, it's only for the one who are used to introspection.

 

This man was the worse or the best man I could date depending on your point of view. The worse because of all I had to go through, but the best because this relationship made me realise that the self-esteem I had build in the last years wasn't properly built.

 

Last thing: it took me to get the cops taking me at a crisis center to hear for the first time of my entire life some encouraging words from my mother and my brother. My mother's boyfriend told me "we love you". So, it wasn't my mother who told me so, but I know it came from her too but it's just something she would probably never be able to tell herself because of her own self issues. And my brother told to my mother (not to me), tell karolanne that I'm pround of her that she called a crisis center and went with the cops. That was the right thing to do. And he apparently added" she has to learn to love herself and respect herself the same way I had to do it".

 

Take care everyone. If you're not loving yourself yet, work on it, believe me, it's the only happy result you can have, it's by learning to love yourself.

 

Karolanne

 

xoxoxox

[Hawaii51]

Good story Karolanne; Godspeed and Aloha!

[karolanne]

Thanks! I didn't expect any one to read all my story. Thank you for your time.

 

xoxoxox

[Tone Loc]

Thanks for sharing. It's a very sad story but with a good ending, a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm very sorry you had to go through that, I can't begin to imagine the pain and suffering you've experienced. You've been through so much, but this is a character-building experience. You should be proud of yourself, don't look back on this with guilt or regret but rather you should be happy that you're out of that terrible abusive relationship. No on deserves to go through that, to be knocked down like that is so vicious and inhumane, it's very sad to read.

 

You really need to move on from him and never contact him again. It might be hard, you might feel the need to contact him but please don't! Block his email, block his number, change your phone number and email address if you have to...yes, you should be proud of yourself for taking the big step to walk away from him. You have to look after yourself now, work on building your confidence, self esteem and happiness because he can never give you that, but surely someone else will. A good man who has values and a functioning moral compass and who knows how to take care of a woman, not a loser who humiliated a woman just to feel good about himself or to feel like a man, he's far from a man. He's a sick, twisted thing.

 

You have a lot of insight into your feelings and about the real nature of the relationship, which is very helpful. Just remember, never contact him again, you have to stick to it.

 

You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged an artillery shell here, like one of those massive mortar strikes.

 

Best wishes take care

Edited May 7, 2015 by Tone Loc

[lgspot]

So sorry for all you've gone through.

Blessings

[karolanne]

Thank you Tone Loc and lgspot for your words.

 

Tone Loc, I have absolutly no idea what means "You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged an artillery shell here, like one of those massive mortar strikes.". Canyou re-word it? Thank you.

 

That brings me to something else that is important in life.

 

One day, someone of about 55 years old told me "I wish I can meet myself when I was 20 years old and tell me what I know today and I'll be abble to make different choices". To wich I replied "you weren't ready to hear it when you were 20 years old.". The example I gave him was that when you're a kid, you say "I can't wait to be an adult and have no one to tell me what I can do or not and be abble to do wathever I want". And the adult answer "no, you don't want to be an adult. It's way more complicated than being a kid". To wich the kid answer "no, you're wrong. I want to be an adult".

 

No one can be ready before it's time to...

 

Another personnal story. I studied psychology to university. I didn't get my grade yet, but just enrolled 2 weeks ago and I'm starting my classes in 2 weeks (YAY!!). But this isn't my point.

 

In a classe, a teacher said that according to the well-know psychiatrist Andrew Owsald, a man (including woman) will reach his rock bottom not before 44 years old. So, 44 years old or after. To wich I immediatly replied "bull*hit!". Now that I'm 42 years old, I believe it. I also believe that at 42 years old, I reached my rock bottom (yeah, more probable that I'm 2 years in advance than what I though 10 years ago! lol).

 

So, my point is: no one can learn things until he is really ready.

 

xoxoxoxo

[lgspot]

Thank you Tone Loc and lgspot for your words.

 

Tone Loc, I have absolutly no idea what means "You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged an artillery shell here, like one of those massive mortar strikes.". Canyou re-word it? Thank you.

 

That brings me to something else that is important in life.

 

One day, someone of about 55 years old told me "I wish I can meet myself when I was 20 years old and tell me what I know today and I'll be abble to make different choices". To wich I replied "you weren't ready to hear it when you were 20 years old.". The example I gave him was that when you're a kid, you say "I can't wait to be an adult and have no one to tell me what I can do or not and be abble to do wathever I want". And the adult answer "no, you don't want to be an adult. It's way more complicated than being a kid". To wich the kid answer "no, you're wrong. I want to be an adult".

 

No one can be ready before it's time to...

 

Another personnal story. I studied psychology to university. I didn't get my grade yet, but just enrolled 2 weeks ago and I'm starting my classes in 2 weeks (YAY!!). But this isn't my point.

 

In a classe, a teacher said that according to the well-know psychiatrist Andrew Owsald, a man (including woman) will reach his rock bottom not before 44 years old. So, 44 years old or after. To wich I immediatly replied "bull*hit!". Now that I'm 42 years old, I believe it. I also believe that at 42 years old, I reached my rock bottom (yeah, more probable that I'm 2 years in advance than what I though 10 years ago! lol).

 

So, my point is: no one can learn things until he is really ready.

 

xoxoxoxo

 

Your point is so true...

Yet in the words of my step daughter about the time she turned 21, "it sucks to be an adult."

[karolanne]

Indeed, around 20 years old, that's when you begin, I really mean begin to grasp the fact that it sucks to be an adult...

[AlwaysAKL]

stay strong and you are on the right path now. Once you learn to love and appreciate yourself, you take all power away from others...good job!

[karolanne]

Thanks AlwaysAKL.

 

Yesterday and today are harder for me to respect my NC. But I managed...

 

[karolanne]

Hi folks,

 

I'm pround of myself because I've been respecting my NC rule for 13 days now. But everywhere, they say that it's harder at the beggining and then, becomes easier. But for me, the first few days were easy and since few days, it's hard.

 

Today, I had a breast surgery to remove some cancerous masses. The hospital required someone with me to drive me home. But I couldn't find anyone (lost almost all my "friends" with the break up). And my ex offered me, before I start my NC rule, to come with me. But I preferred to go alone than calling my ex to ask him.

 

Finally, I went with my niece, but she doesn't drive, but we told the hospital that she'll drive me home after the surgery. I was abble to drive. If I weren't and felt that I was a danger on the roads, I'll have take a cab to my niece's place and sleep on her couch. But I felt ok and drove back home safely.

 

So, yeah, respecting the NC rule is harder for me these days. I guess it's because of the stress of going under surgery, not sure. I guess it's because I've lost all my self-esteem so I feel like I couldn't make it on my own and needed my ex for support. But the truth is that he almost never supported me in this obsacle of my life. So...

 

Take care everyone.

 

K

[Ruby65]

Congratulations on getting through that surgery!!!!

 

It sounds like you really took care of yourself -- I'm very glad to hear your niece was there for you, even if she couldn't drive. I think your emotional wellbeing was more important than having a driver, as you say you could've called for a cab if you were unable to drive yourself.

 

Please be extra gentle with yourself through your recovery.

 

No Contact starts out easier because at first you're often so hurt and angry that the last thing you want to do is ever contact your ex again! But then as the days go by it starts to feel more REAL and FINAL, and this can be very hard for some people. My own experience of NC is that it vacillates from easy to hard, up and down, back and forth.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you on your recovery from the surgery!

 

Keep posting.

[Twigyy]

Awesome! Take care of yourself, and I'm sure your family will help you heal too. One good tip is to stop counting the days that you've done NC. Since you will never know how long it will take to heal, and also it helps to forget, and your days will be better. Keep it up. You deserve to be happy.

[RoseHeart]

I'm a few days away from 5 weeks NC myself and can say that it does become easier. At least for me. The first day or so was easy for me too but it did actually also become more difficult for me around week 2 and week 3. As time is passing it is becoming easier for me to accept that he won't contact me. At first I was like "he will likely contact me" at around week 1 then it became "He will maybe contact me" around week 2 and 3 and now after a month I have a "He will not contact me" feeling. I'm sure that after another month I'll be thinking "He definitely won't contact me". So it's all about moving through the phases gently and allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions during the time.

 

I'm sure the NC has been extra hard due to your surgery. That is a big thing to go through and I can see why you'd struggle but yet you can be happy about yourself because you pushed through and didn't break NC. You'll feel far better about it in the long run. Just hang in there. It definitely gets more and more easier and you start losing that hope every time you go on your phone or see a new message notification hoping it's them.

[Phoenician]

may God bless you after your surgery ;

Keep on looking hi ; someone who desrves you will be one day your mate .

hugs

[ManyDissapoint]

Hi folks,

 

I'm pround of myself because I've been respecting my NC rule for 13 days now. But everywhere, they say that it's harder at the beggining and then, becomes easier. But for me, the first few days were easy and since few days, it's hard.

 

Today, I had a breast surgery to remove some cancerous masses. The hospital required someone with me to drive me home. But I couldn't find anyone (lost almost all my "friends" with the break up). And my ex offered me, before I start my NC rule, to come with me. But I preferred to go alone than calling my ex to ask him.

 

Finally, I went with my niece, but she doesn't drive, but we told the hospital that she'll drive me home after the surgery. I was abble to drive. If I weren't and felt that I was a danger on the roads, I'll have take a cab to my niece's place and sleep on her couch. But I felt ok and drove back home safely.

 

So, yeah, respecting the NC rule is harder for me these days. I guess it's because of the stress of going under surgery, not sure. I guess it's because I've lost all my self-esteem so I feel like I couldn't make it on my own and needed my ex for support. But the truth is that he almost never supported me in this obsacle of my life. So...

 

Take care everyone.

 

K

 

You are very early in your NC journey. It WILL get easier, but it's a matter of months, not days.

 

There will be many trials and tribulations that will feel doubly painful because you are going through them alone. Even something as simple as going grocery shopping alone or making dinner alone can make you feel strong pangs due to your brain's associations. These are all brain chemicals which must be cycled out of your system.

 

It's all in the program, and it gets better. I promise.

[brokengirl85]

Wow you're very brave!!! You're right on being proud.

[karolanne]

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words.

 

It's still hard for me today to respect my NC, but I'm hanging on! Even if he sent me an email with the hope to trigger me (for some of you who followed my situation - I was in an abusive relationship), I didn't reply. Oh, I thought about million ways to reply to his email, but I didn't!!!

 

My post-surgery is going better than I expected. So, I'm very happy.

 

After all, I feel better now than I was few days before. So, I'm pretty sure I'm on the right path.

 

Take care everyone.

 

karolanne

[karolanne]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm having a hard time to not contact my ex today, in fact, since the surgery and the two emails he sent me.

 

I feel like to just be in his arms and burst out in cries and say "see? You see how strong I was?"

 

Yeah, I know, it's only a positive reinforcement based on a variable ratio (the worses one) "the need to feel right". I know that, it's still so hard tho.

 

I mean, if I compare the list of pros and cons of this relationship, the cons' list is about 3 miles longer than the pros one. And it's the same of the list of his strenghts and weaknesses. There is absolutly no "reasonable" reason to want to be with him. It's only that wrong core beliefs based on the need to feel accepted by my abusive parents by thinking and saying the same bad things as they say about me.

 

I'm like a little girl who seeks approval and love from him.

 

Any suggestion to get over this rough time? I mean I have it since after the surgery and I tried almost all tips I've found in my books or on the web and I'm still stuck there.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Karolanne

[brokengirl85]

Variable interval ratio needs to transform in fixed schedule. So, block him and start having your routine. Once you'll know there's no more variable, you'll start to feel better. Human beings like predictable things. Just block him. You know it's the right thing to do.

[karolanne]

Hi brokengirl,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

I didn't block him yet because he wasn't a concern before. I mean I'm the codependant. He is the abuser. When I left him, it was the worse insult you can do to an abuser. So, it wasn't hard for him to pretend to or to have moved on fastly. He never tried to contact me before. I was the one who always initiated contact.

 

The first email he sent was to wish me luck for my surgery. I didn't reply because I wanted to respect my no contact rule. Without a reply from me, he got mad and replied again with a tiny trigger thing for me.

 

I don't want to block him because I'll feel like it's only a bandage on the wound.

 

So, what I just did, wich seems to have worked fine for me: I writed a letter to myself in wich I told me what I needed to hear from him. In fact, I just loved myself, simply told me that I'm pround of me, that I'm strong to have been through this surgery on my own.

 

Take care.

 

karolanne

[brokengirl85]

Karolanne, if he's the abuser, reason enough to block him. Are you hoping he'll contact you again?

Btw, he wishes you good luck but you ignored. That's not right. You should have thanked him and wished him good luck as well. Then, tell him to not contact you anymore, then block him for good.

 

When you're in an abusive relationship you don't realize it and it's very difficult to change things. You and him will probably re connect sometime, my guess is in a month if you don't block him. But you need to take care of yourself so you won't be dragged again in the toxic cycle. Seek help.

[karolanne]

Brokengirl,

 

Thanks for your reply. Your words sound right to me (sorry for my bad English - I'm not sure this is the way to say it) and they make me think.

 

Yeah, I'm on a waiting list to see a therapist, taking ages...

 

I though about replying to his good luck email. But then, I told to myself that if he really was worring, he would have picked up the phone. Anyway, I wasn't sure about what I should do or not about that one. I didn't want to break my NC but at the same time, I felt bad to not be at least polite.

 

If I wish that he contacts me again? Hell yeah. I'm in the "Hope trap" right now. Do I wish to go back with him? Of course not.

 

And you know what, while replying to you, I realised that the reason why I don't want to block him is because I tried it before and it didn't work for me. I was struggling more asking myself "what if he tried to contact me? What if he tried to send me something nice? What if...". Having him not blocked is proof to me that we won't be back together. Which makes me realise that damn, I'm not as strong as I though: it seems that I'm only waiting for a positive sign from him... yeah, that's it, that's the simple truth.

 

ok, ok, I shouldn't be too hard on me right now. At least, I'm not showing at his place anymore begging him to take me back while he's insulting me in every possible ways. Last time, I ended up calling a crisis center and they sent the cops to my place to pick me up and bring me to a crisis center. I mean, I did almost everything a crazy ex will do...

 

Jeez, I'm feeling better and worse now... I was so pround of my 13 days of NC. But I was just there, hoping from a sign from him... oh no oh no.

[karolanne]

ok, the initial shock is gone. ouf

 

I'll make it, folks, I'll make it