katiegrl Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 No need to fret guys...I give him another two months tops. With the wedding planning and all, reality will hit, he'll begin to freak out and start acting weird, distancing himself, and the OP will be back on this board asking "what happened"? 2
mortensorchid Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Hon, slow down here. You barely know each other. I knew people who did this, none of them are with the other person anymore because they jumped in. One gal moved in with him a scant four months of knowing each other. All of a sudden she got pregnant and they got married. Their second child was two years later. That was four years ago, they are divorced today. Be with each other longer, you barely know each other. 1
Gottabestrong Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Yes, in general I think it is too early, but I also think it is very cute and romantic that he proposed. How about you postpone the wedding date a little? Maybe to the day you became a couple officially, that way you can still be engaged and plan your wedding, but you are also not rushing into marriage too much and will have been together for at least a year before you get married. You never know what is going to happen, I have a friend who got married to her boyfriend within three months of meeting each other! We all thought it was way too soon and were waiting for the inevitable fall-out. Well, 17 years and 3 kids later they are still together and still look very much in love with each other. My cousin on the other hand was with her boyfriend for 7 years before they got engaged , he dumped her one month before the wedding saying it was because he realized that he did not want to be married or have kids. A year later he married a woman with four kids. So, yes, I believe you never know what is going to happen. Surely the odds would suggest it was better to wait before taking such an important step, but maybe you two are the one in a thousand/million that make it work. Congratulations and good luck! 1
Author girlywoman25 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Didn't you post up-thread that you plan to marry in Novembet?!?! I meant to say we are not getting married right away.
Redhead14 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 We're 26 and we been together for 4 month before he proposed to me. I accepted because we both feel we're right for each other. Like they say when you find the "one" you'll know. I worry thought how my friends and family are going to take it since we haven't been dating for long. I need some input thanks! It is quick to go into an engagement especially since you haven't dated much. But, what you do now is plan for the wedding to happen at least a year out. The truth is that even the period of engagement is another stage of the relationship where you are evaluating the potential partnership on a deeper more intricate level. You begin to share financial information and seeing how you each handle finances. If there is a difference in "styles", that is something that the two parties need to get on the same page about and if one or the other or both need to make some changes in order to be "compatible", they need to observe whether they are making the necessary changes and that they can stick to them. That by itself, could be a dealbreaker. They also need to address each others vision or lack of vision for having children and whether they share the same ideas/values for raising children. Parenting skills, etc. The way a person handles stress, the way a person deals with crisis are all things that need to be observed and whether you can support them and vice versa. And, the single most important thing to be sure is in place is the ability to communicate effectively and that you both have good conflict resolution skills. Get on the same page about how conflicts will be handled. I would not recommend living together at this point either. That will put undue stress on the relationship. It's still very delicate at this point and plain and simple, it's hard to live with someone else. You both still need to maintain your individuality for a while. And, don't co-mingle finances, i.e. buy a house together until you are sure the wedding will happen. The point is that up until the point of marriage, the evaluation process continues and you are finding out more and more about the other person. The more things that you can address, iron out, etc prior to the wedding, the better chances for success. Just because you are engaged, doesn't mean that there won't be things that could end the relationship. You are "engaged" in evaluating the partnership for a future together, but not fully committed yet. It is better to break off an engagement than to go through a divorce. Marriage is the point where the "real" commitment comes in. Yes, there will be things that come up that you two haven't experienced together before. But after the marriage takes place, you have declared your commitment to the relationship and are more or less obligated to "work on" issues that arise, even if they would have been dealbreakers before. There are no more dealbreakers. The deal is sealed. And, yes, you could still divorce the person, but the point of having a commitment is that you are "committed" to accept whatever comes your way and put the effort into figuring it out. All I'm saying is that all through your dating to marriage journey, it's a process of evaluation, observation, compromise and building the foundation for a successful marriage. You two are young. You haven't seen it "all" yet. I think it can work for you, but manage your emotions and expectations for a while. Give it time. All the best to you. 1
Gaeta Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I meant to say we are not getting married right away. You still did not answer: Why the rush in getting married? November is in 6 months it's still rushing. 2
preraph Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 It's too soon, but it's okay to be engaged for a couple of years, and that's how long it can take to really get to know someone. Please get and stay on birth control because you do not know him well enough. Men can be on good behavior for the first few months of dating (women too) and then let their guard down and you see all the ugly parts. Find out if he's helpful around the house and has a job and goals and a plan and is responsible and most of all if he treats you respectfully or if he just evades and tries to keep secrets from you. Long engagement. Do not get married anytime soon and do NOT start planning the wedding for at least one more year because once you do, you have deposits and all that expense and will be trapped. 1
smackie9 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Quick proposal means you can have a long engagement to make sure that you do want to marry. You can drag it out for 5 years if you want to. 2
losangelena Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 My parents were engaged a week after they met and married after four months. Too soon? Probably, actually, but they didn't care. The entire world thought my mom was pregnant (she wasn't), but they could have given f*ck-all about what others thought. If internet boards had existed then, my mom would never have written a post like this. Now, they did have money issues, communication issues, and disagreed over how to raise us, but if you ask my mom (my dad died about ten years ago), she'll tell you it was still a happy marriage. These are things that may have become deal breakers had they dated longer, but once they were in it and married, they found ways around them. I personally would not want to move so fast, but that's just me. 1
regine_phalange Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I'd wait to see his other side, the flawed one. All people have one. And if his flawed side is decent and doesn't make the relationship dysfunctional, then great. I think after a couple of years is a good time to decide whether you want to proceed with the marriage because then you know him well enough. 2
Gaeta Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 OP: If you want to be taken seriously then don't get married in 6 months. I will tell you right now at your wedding people won't be talking about what a beautiful couple you are, they will be taking bets on how short this marriage will last. 4
PogoStick Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 WAYYYY too soon. What's the rush? If you're so perfect for each other then it will still be right if you wait a year or two. (I suggest two). If you're wrong you're screwed with divorce or having to cancel a wedding that you've already sent out invitations and possible paid deposits on all kinds of services.
norajane Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) I guess I don't understand why anyone would make a decision on a partner for a lifetime after only dating 4 months. I take longer to research buying a new car. Since you have made that decision, if you haven't started talking about the important things, now would be a good time to start. Stuff like: - Where you want to live now, and what your thoughts are for the future. Is one of you going to want to move to Wyoming because ranching and horses are his thing while you're strictly a big city girl? That may be an extreme example, but it can be shocking for people to later find out their spouse HATES living in a small town but the other HATES a big city, and they never knew because they met when they both lived in a certain place for school or whatever. Does one of you want to settle in the suburbs while the other wants to travel all over the world first while living in a dingy but super cheap flat? - Money and finances. Are you talking about how each of you thinks about money, spending money, saving money, what to spend on and what to save for? Is one of you a saver and one a spender? Does one of you rack up debt like it's nothing? Do both of you rack up debt? What is your plan for managing money together? Joint accounts, separate? - Kids. If, when and how many? How do you intend to raise them? Will one of you be a stay at home parent, or do you both expect to continue working? - Sex. Yeah, it's great now in the first flush of romance, but those initial heady hormones die down after the first 18 months to two years...do you have similar sex drives? Does one of you want sex every day, three times a day, or really only once every couple of weeks? A mismatch in frequency leads to sexless marriages, and that's a hell most people would not sign up for. Also, a mismatch in sexual style and adventure can also lead to unhappiness and feeling like you got a dud. 40 years of marital sex with one person really needs people who are on the same page with their expectations and actual desires. - Lifestyle. Is one of you an extrovert who likes to go out and party with friends all the time, while the other prefers solitary hiking and Netflix? Of course opposites can do perfectly well together, but not if it breeds resentment because one is out partying with other people while the one at home is lonely and sad. Or the one at home is perfectly comfortable alone, but the one who likes going out is sad that s/he never gets to enjoy being out WITH their spouse. Just saying - use your engagement to really explore what marriage means to both of you. I can always trade in a car that doesn't handle snow and ice as well as I'd hoped, but it's much harder to divorce. Edited May 7, 2015 by norajane
redglass Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 In my opinion, it's way too soon. I have a friend who met a girl and he proposed to her six weeks later - big sparkly ring and the whole shebang. They were both 23. I think I was one of the only people who told him in was crazy to get engaged so fast. He didn't take it well. 1.5 years later they got married. And then 1.5 years after that they got divorced and the whole thing ended in tears. Their reason for breaking was because she wanted to move across the country - to her home town - and he didn't. If they had only waited, they could have worked out that they weren't compatible. Yes, after three years there would have been a break-up, but that's a hell of a lot better than a divorce at only 26. The fact is, you can't be sure who you are or where you want to be until you reach your late 20s. Of course, it could work out for you. But I think it's way too fast and you're way too young. 1
Diezel Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 If you are 100% sure of this, why does this thread exist? Are you 100% sure? 4
Redhead14 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 We're 26 and we been together for 4 month before he proposed to me. I accepted because we both feel we're right for each other. Like they say when you find the "one" you'll know. I worry thought how my friends and family are going to take it since we haven't been dating for long. I need some input thanks! How much do you really know about this man? A man who proposes so quickly often has an agenda that is less than about being in love. Do you know if he can support himself? Is he struggling with finances? Has he introduced you to friends and family? What is his background? How has this relationship developed? How did it start? 1
d0nnivain Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I'm not offended. We want to get married in November. That is too soon. IMNSHO, you need to date at least one full year before you even think about getting engaged. To get engaged at 26 to a relative stranger after 16 weeks of dating is FAST. To try to marry when you will not have even known each other for a year is insane. Yes it can work but you might also win the lottery. I think your odds of winning the lottery might actually be better. If it really is forever, why not adopt a more sedate pace & marry in November of 2016? If it makes a difference many wedding gowns take up to 8 months to create & weddings are expensive. You will do well to give yourselves time to save, time to get to know each other more etc. Many organized religions will not bless your union if you try to have an engagement shorter than 1 year. 2
Author girlywoman25 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 It is quick to go into an engagement especially since you haven't dated much. But, what you do now is plan for the wedding to happen at least a year out. The truth is that even the period of engagement is another stage of the relationship where you are evaluating the potential partnership on a deeper more intricate level. You begin to share financial information and seeing how you each handle finances. If there is a difference in "styles", that is something that the two parties need to get on the same page about and if one or the other or both need to make some changes in order to be "compatible", they need to observe whether they are making the necessary changes and that they can stick to them. That by itself, could be a dealbreaker. They also need to address each others vision or lack of vision for having children and whether they share the same ideas/values for raising children. Parenting skills, etc. The way a person handles stress, the way a person deals with crisis are all things that need to be observed and whether you can support them and vice versa. And, the single most important thing to be sure is in place is the ability to communicate effectively and that you both have good conflict resolution skills. Get on the same page about how conflicts will be handled. I would not recommend living together at this point either. That will put undue stress on the relationship. It's still very delicate at this point and plain and simple, it's hard to live with someone else. You both still need to maintain your individuality for a while. And, don't co-mingle finances, i.e. buy a house together until you are sure the wedding will happen. The point is that up until the point of marriage, the evaluation process continues and you are finding out more and more about the other person. The more things that you can address, iron out, etc prior to the wedding, the better chances for success. Just because you are engaged, doesn't mean that there won't be things that could end the relationship. You are "engaged" in evaluating the partnership for a future together, but not fully committed yet. It is better to break off an engagement than to go through a divorce. Marriage is the point where the "real" commitment comes in. Yes, there will be things that come up that you two haven't experienced together before. But after the marriage takes place, you have declared your commitment to the relationship and are more or less obligated to "work on" issues that arise, even if they would have been dealbreakers before. There are no more dealbreakers. The deal is sealed. And, yes, you could still divorce the person, but the point of having a commitment is that you are "committed" to accept whatever comes your way and put the effort into figuring it out. All I'm saying is that all through your dating to marriage journey, it's a process of evaluation, observation, compromise and building the foundation for a successful marriage. You two are young. You haven't seen it "all" yet. I think it can work for you, but manage your emotions and expectations for a while. Give it time. All the best to you. Thanks so much !
Author girlywoman25 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 OP: If you want to be taken seriously then don't get married in 6 months. I will tell you right now at your wedding people won't be talking about what a beautiful couple you are, they will be taking bets on how short this marriage will last. I understand. How I see it is that by November it will be almost a year since we been together. We started dating in January.
preraph Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Cautionary tale: My old roommate dated a younger guy for a couple of years. He joined the Navy, got stationed out of state. They married and she went to live with him. As soon as the got there and didn't have her family or friends around for support, he began physically abusing her. He never had before. He waited until he got her isolated. She called me the same night. I said "Come home," and she did and got a divorce, and then he followed and stalked her, breaking into her new apartment and following her to work, etc. This lady is no shinking violet. She's a very social person with a lot of balls. She did have some abuse in her family background, so maybe that was what attracted him. But anyway, she got him put away by the Navy and he was classified by them as a sociopath. I was around him while they dated I didn't trust him. I caught him carrying off some of my record albums. So my antennae was up, but there was nothing about him that would have made me think he'd start whaling on her. He hid that. 1
Author girlywoman25 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 How much do you really know about this man? A man who proposes so quickly often has an agenda that is less than about being in love. Do you know if he can support himself? Is he struggling with finances? Has he introduced you to friends and family? What is his background? How has this relationship developed? How did it start? We were friends first I met him.through a mutual friend. Yes I have met his family and friends and vice versa. I don't believe he has a hidden agenda and I'm not going to go into his background. Thanks
Author girlywoman25 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Cautionary tale: My old roommate dated a younger guy for a couple of years. He joined the Navy, got stationed out of state. They married and she went to live with him. As soon as the got there and didn't have her family or friends around for support, he began physically abusing her. He never had before. He waited until he got her isolated. She called me the same night. I said "Come home," and she did and got a divorce, and then he followed and stalked her, breaking into her new apartment and following her to work, etc. This lady is no shinking violet. She's a very social person with a lot of balls. She did have some abuse in her family background, so maybe that was what attracted him. But anyway, she got him put away by the Navy and he was classified by them as a sociopath. I was around him while they dated I didn't trust him. I caught him carrying off some of my record albums. So my antennae was up, but there was nothing about him that would have made me think he'd start whaling on her. He hid that. Wow sad story. It really makes me think 1
Vercetti Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Knew wanted to be with wife first time saw her. Every step early on knew. We both did. Went from unspoken understanding to what both wanted quickly. All this honeymoon phase reading here. Well you were friends with the person and it progressed. You got to know him well as a friend, that's usually a bit more open then those playing date game a few months. Those saying wait...you're not getting married tomorrow are you? Even if waited years and lived together doesn't mean it's going to work. Beyond that, why care friends and family reaction...you two are the important ones. My advise is skip a big wedding. Spending money and having everyone watch is not going to make you're connection more real. It is going to stress you out extending money and consideration to those that will have little to no impact on your daily life with husband. Now if the ideal of a low key wedding without half the town / people flying in / debates of guest list / what type of food / how tall a cake / what DJ...isn't appealing for you THEN might want to rethink if really want to be married. I agree with posters that warn about getting caught up in excitement of an event. Wife and I married without the event. It really was our day and night. Our timeline. We did not have to jump through hoops for a bunch of people rare if ever see after wedding. It was relaxing. Money went to building our life together. Plus way I see it, if you did wish to back out...do you want to be pressured to go through with it simply cause so many people showed up?
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