Doesn't Drive or Have a Job

May 7, 2015

The point is to discuss those who choose to live with parents, not to drive and not to work. IE: those too lazy to get off their arses, get a job, car and rent a flat, like the vast majority of able-bodied and able-minded people manage to do perfectly successfully every year.

If someone is able bodied and choosing to live their life sponging off others, then I don't see how it's superficial for me to choose not to date them. Most people at my stage of life (own my own house and have a job and car) are not looking for someone who sponges off others by choice. If I wanted that I would get a cat!!!

I understand that. But my point meant to highlight the fact that not everyone fits that bill of "own my own house, have a job and have a car." Do I think some people intentionally abuse the system of welfare benefits? Sure, I do. Some people are lucky to have stability, whereas others are not that lucky. Whether it's by luck or by choice, not everyone has a job, car or money to pay rent.

May 7, 2015

No, because I don't see the point in a partnership if I'm the one who's going to have to do everything myself.

So, does that mean that my grandfather wasted his life being married to my grandmother because he was the sole provider who worked, who drove, and who paid all the bills? My grandmother didn't work but stayed at home to raise her children. Was she lazy because she chose not to work or chose not to learn to drive?

I can see why some people want the relationship to be balanced -- that both partners work and contribute financially to the relationship/marriage, especially with the higher cost of living and how expensive education is these days.

But that again is one mindset. It's like saying that only a man and woman should marry, or that being gay is wrong. One mindset. I'm not saying it's wrong to want to be with someone who has those things. We all want different things in life.

There are plenty of stay-at-home parents who don't contribute financially, and some who do. There are plenty of spouses who don't drive (either because they physically can't due to blindness or have a physical handicap), and who live as single parents.

May 7, 2015

not everyone fits that bill of "own my own house, have a job and have a car."

And I choose not to date those people. That doesn't make me shallow, it just means I value equality and balance in a relationship. I am far more likely to find a compatible partner if I restrict my search to those with jobs, cars and their own place. Temporary glitches excluded, of course.

As I've said multiple times I'm not judging people or suggesting that they are inferior people if they don't have these things. Just that I wouldn't choose to date them. And if someone wants to choose not to date me because I am bald or because I am divorced, then I have no problem with that. Everyone has a right to set their own standards in dating. It's not a judgement on that person as a person, it's a judgement on how suitable they are as a potential partner.

So, does that mean that my grandfather wasted his life being married to my grandmother because he was the sole provider who worked, who drove, and who paid all the bills? My grandmother didn't work but stayed at home to raise her children.

Come on now you're just being ridiculous. For a start they were different times. Secondly someone giving up work to have kids during the course of a relationship, is hardly the same as choosing to date someone who doesn't work. They are apples and oranges.

May 7, 2015

And I choose not to date those people. That doesn't make me shallow, it just means I value equality and balance in a relationship. I am far more likely to find a compatible partner if I restrict my search to those with jobs, cars and their own place. Temporary glitches excluded, of course.

As I've said multiple times I'm not judging people or suggesting that they are inferior people if they don't have these things. Just that I wouldn't choose to date them. And if someone wants to choose not to date me because I am bald or because I am divorced, then I have no problem with that. Everyone has a right to set their own standards in dating. It's not a judgement on that person as a person, it's a judgement on how suitable they are as a potential partner.

Come on now you're just being ridiculous. For a start they were different times. Secondly someone giving up work to have kids during the course of a relationship, is hardly the same as choosing to date someone who doesn't work. They are apples and oranges.

How am I being ridiculous? It's not apples and oranges though. My grandparents met in high school. Couples nowadays meet in high school in the 21st century and marry, or meet in college and marry. Same fruit in my opinion.

What if the spouse never worked in the first place? My cousin met her husband in college and she never got a job, but just had several children. And that was in the 1990s. Sure, she has a college degree but she chose not to get a job and to get married. Her husband sure didn't mind the fact that his wife only had a college degree but no job.

I never said you were shallow because of what your standards are. I merely pointed out that not everyone shares those same standards, either because of their circumstance or because of their choice. And my definition of compatibility is different than yours, because I'm willing to date someone who doesn't drive, or who is in-between jobs, or whose living situation is temporary for whatever reason if I felt chemistry with the person. I'm willing to be flexible with those 3 things.

May 7, 2015

Driving is important to me because I'm a car geek, and that is one of my expectations if I were to date...he has to be a car guy.

Job, yes. I want a man that is my equal financially. And a man with a job/career shows he has ambition, is self reliant, and responsible. These are attributes I look for in a partner.

Living at home, it depends. If he is taking care of an elderly parent, or is transitioning because of a divorce or relationship separation then I would accept the situation.

May 7, 2015

If I was out of work, living at home, and didn't drive I wouldn't be dating anyone until I got my s hit together.

May 7, 2015

So, does that mean that my grandfather wasted his life being married to my grandmother because he was the sole provider who worked, who drove, and who paid all the bills? My grandmother didn't work but stayed at home to raise her children. Was she lazy because she chose not to work or chose not to learn to drive?

I can see why some people want the relationship to be balanced -- that both partners work and contribute financially to the relationship/marriage, especially with the higher cost of living and how expensive education is these days.

But that again is one mindset. It's like saying that only a man and woman should marry, or that being gay is wrong. One mindset. I'm not saying it's wrong to want to be with someone who has those things. We all want different things in life.

There are plenty of stay-at-home parents who don't contribute financially, and some who do. There are plenty of spouses who don't drive (either because they physically can't due to blindness or have a physical handicap), and who live as single parents.

The OP wasn't talking about a stay-at-home mom. Was talking about a guy without means and no kids in the picture. What's his excuse?

May 7, 2015

And my definition of compatibility is different than yours, because I'm willing to date someone who doesn't drive, or who is in-between jobs, or whose living situation is temporary for whatever reason if I felt chemistry with the person. I'm willing to be flexible with those 3 things.

Eh, I think you haven't read my posts properly. I quite clearly said that temporary unemployment, temporary carlessness, or staying with parents temporarily while between pads, is perfectly fine with me.

But someone who is not financially stable and independent, whilst I'm sure they are a lovely person who will make some lucky guy very happy, would be off my dating radar.

May 7, 2015

I have always dated people no matter what their circumstances. The last guy I dated, didn't have a license and had no money. He treated me awesome, we had fun together but he lived 45 min. away from me. He had a part time job because he was going to school still but the no license thing eventually got to me. I had to go pick him up all the time and then he wanted me to drive him to work and to school all the time and I got sick of it. So I broke things off. After I did, I was glad because I found out he didn't have a license because he got 3 dwis and wouldn't be able to get his license for 10 years!

Sad thing is that he was a good guy but I only dated him 2 months and driving him all over already was getting to me. So I won't date anyone who does not drive anymore. It became a big hassle.

May 7, 2015

I don't drive, where lived never saw the point of the liability. In other words the opportunity a car would open up wouldn't offset the expenditure.

Job. Can't recall time had a traditional one. Have savings and investments. Own land and house, taxes and utilities are insanely low where settled. Yet am a entrepreneur, like money don't mind mental or physical work.....just never been the clock in type cause always felt could be networking something better.

Living at home. Nah can't do it, would rather be homeless / couch surfing / perhaps even in jail. If I fail so hard that's the only option, I'm gonna find another option. Nothing wrong with relationship with parents...but maybe if moved back home there would be.

Married, never had a problem with wife. Only some of her friends that kept prying into " what does he do." Given private her and I had to bite the bullet, my / our finances not open to the public. Was sorta funny single people renting with roommates having doubts and wondering, while soon to be wife and I are doing floor plans for cabin in mountains of a resort town.

Anyhow point is, not every guy lacking car / job is a slacker. If not a slacker they hate HATE when people want them to explain themselves. Opportunity is an abstract concept to relate. Then car from my perspective, why go to work XX amount of days just to pay for car to go to work? For me cost of car / upkeep / insurance is 5$k a year in pocket. Then nope after a few years of that was not tempted for a nice used car BAH.

May 7, 2015

Adding to Vercetti's post, I'm finally going to be carless (careless?? lol) next week again.

It's been a while since I had no car. I can't wait to be free of one again and get the bit of equity left in my car back so it can stop shrinking. I locate my moving abode where I can walk to everything or take public transportation and just rent a car if I want to go to whole foods or on a driving trip.

This doesn't slow me down with the ladies at all, in fact, it actually makes them more interested since I'm not very typical/boring.

I also have no "job", though i do make decent money.

Living with parents? I'll choose death.

May 7, 2015

I don't know about the no driving part, but my first ex could never keep a job. It isn't materialistic to be unhappy with that. He drained me financially. Blindly, I paid for both of us whenever we went out, his court fees, gas, etc. he couldn't keep a job for longer than a month or two, and it became emotionally exhausting having to worry about the both of us. When he left me, I had drained my entire savings to help him and I was left with nothing all while having to find a new apartment because he kicked me out.

Don't do it.

May 7, 2015

I haven't dated since I was 18, and at the time I had a car but no job, she had neither but was working on getting both. In this economy, I could understand no job, and even living with parents because of that, but I'd hope they were both temporary. No job and not looking for one (unless in school or filthy rich, in which case what do they see in me anyways?) would turn me off, as I'm really not interested in letting someone mooch off of me, not that I make enough money for that anyways. No car is a pretty big inconvenience, seeing as I live in the country at least 12 miles from anything.

May 7, 2015

Where I live, our "mass transit" is pretty blah...it really only makes some sense if you work downtown during the day. Even with our terrible traffic, you're generally going to have an easier time getting around the city if you have your own car.

I wouldn't rule out dating a woman without a car, but it would definitely make dating more of a hassle for both of us, and I have to take that into account.

As for no job...it depends on why. The thing I care about is if she has some decent DIRECTION in her life. In other words, she has goals, ambitions, passions, she partakes in activities, she does things that help herself (or someone else, or society in general) improve, learn and grow. She also has some pride. Not being lazy or aimless, not mooching off others, not going thru the motions, not overly content with the status quo, not wallowing in self-pity, not being "lost". People with good direction and purpose in their lives are generally more interesting to be around.

May 7, 2015

Adding to Vercetti's post, I'm finally going to be carless (careless?? lol) next week again.

It's been a while since I had no car. I can't wait to be free of one again and get the bit of equity left in my car back so it can stop shrinking. I locate my moving abode where I can walk to everything or take public transportation and just rent a car if I want to go to whole foods or on a driving trip.

This doesn't slow me down with the ladies at all, in fact, it actually makes them more interested since I'm not very typical/boring.

I also have no "job", though i do make decent money.

Living with parents? I'll choose death.

When was really on the down ( 18-21 ) is when ended up multidating not even knowing what it was. Just knew had to get this one over with cause someone is waiting. Was all over the place. Only figured something out, the only thing that matters is me. I have nothing more then me here now interacting. Job / house / car is pointless next to all I can really offer is me. Don't like me, really not gonna like me when back on top.

Get so bloody mixed up when guys post lists of things women want that they must have to get women. Crashing in the VIP pool room of a coffee shop with a leather backpack bottle of CKone a cigar and silver threaded sport coat...don't worry about me mom.

May 7, 2015

Driving - depends a lot on where they live. If they live in a city with lots of public transportation (or own a limo ha), it may not matter at all. If they live away from public transportation and their lack of driving and owning a car prevents them form moving forward in their life, then it isn't a situation I would want in my life.

Living at home - if it is temporary, if they are under 25, or if they are caring for a disabled or elderly parent or sibling, cool. Otherwise, definitely a "yellow flag" - not a dealbreaker, but something I would want more info about.

Lack of a job - dealbreaker. Even if it is temporary, their focus on starting a relationship when they are unemployed shows poor judgment to me.

Basically, I wouldn't want to date someone who has no interest in self-improvement or motivation to make something of his life.

I don't believe these are shallow reasons to exclude someone at all. Actually, going off "chemistry" and ignoring all of a person's issues sounds much scarier to me. I love chemistry too, but it has to be balanced with logic.

All that said, I realize that there are exceptions to every rule.

May 7, 2015

I also have no "job", though i do make decent money.

Then you have a job. Just because you have no employer doesn't mean you have no job. If you are making money doing something, you have a job.

May 7, 2015

Then you have a job. Just because you have no employer doesn't mean you have no job. If you are making money doing something, you have a job.

There are lots of people that even when independent, saving, and ect...can not get it through skull if not clocking in doing the same thing every day. When you going to get real job / something stable. What explain to them up months cover down months and your entire bloody budget. Well if had stable real job then wouldn't have down months. What then explain down isn't making as much as wanted.

It's a circle of misunderstanding and putting someone on the back foot. Also think there is a element of jealously. Why they get up with the sun when you stroll pass thier job dressed like Bond. Why they talk about work stress when your talking about ideals and actions. Why they have dress code and boss when you only deal with people want to deal with. Why they want to know what you do while you don't seem to care what they do.

Delt with this from teen to mid thirties. Own everything no debts saving investing cash flow...and people STILL question. Renting / roommates / underwater mortgage / sideways car loan / no savings / no investment / can't tell asset from liability.....and they play 20 questions and they will get ticked if point out the reality of thier situation.

Wish " oh I get by " was enough to shut them up. At one point took a picture of stacks of cash, gold and silver coins and bars artfully arranged. Pushed to hard put phone in face with a look and " you tell me."

May 7, 2015

Driving- I don't mind if they near a bus/train station or in my home town as most places easy to get to...

Living at home- I don't mind if they are working & earning a Living etc it's a big no if they living off mum & dad.

Lack of Job- I don't mind if they are looking for work etc but if they don't have a job & sponging off mum & dad etc then thats a big no no but better if they are have a job & earning good money to support them selfs

May 7, 2015

Not making any guesses or assumptions on WHY the person is in this situation and he's a regular (not multi millionaire celebrity) guy. If a man has no car, no job and living with parents all at the same time, no I would not date him.

If I was way, WAY younger it might not matter so much, but I'm at an age where any guy I would care to date must be established in a job, own a home and of course should be able to pick me up on dates. I'm very old fashioned that way.

May 7, 2015

Eh, I think you haven't read my posts properly. I quite clearly said that temporary unemployment, temporary carlessness, or staying with parents temporarily while between pads, is perfectly fine with me.

But someone who is not financially stable and independent, whilst I'm sure they are a lovely person who will make some lucky guy very happy, would be off my dating radar.

I did read your posts properly. And I did I agree with what you said about people whose problems are temporary as bolded in your post above. I feel the exact same way and have dated men in those situations.

The only part of your post that I disagree with, is the "not financially stable and independent" part. That's where our great divide begins as far as how different our dating standards are.

Now, I'm not saying that I want to date a financial-disaster-deadbeat-codependent-mooch-of-a-man who carries his clothes around in a plastic bag, sleeps under bridges and whose idea of a romantic date is to dumpster dive behind a 4-star restaurant.

Obviously, I want to date a man who is financially stable. But if he has temporary financial problems due to a bankruptcy or divorce, has student loans, or is recovering from a bad business deal -- those I can overlook as long as he is in the process of a financial recovery.

It really wouldn't bother me if he didn't drive, as long as he gave me gas money. Or, if he made less than me at his job, so his share of the rent/mortgage was less than what I'd pay. But, if he is a mooch or freeloader then yeah, I'm on the same page as you and the others.

May 7, 2015

There are lots of people that even when independent, saving, and ect...can not get it through skull if not clocking in doing the same thing every day. When you going to get real job / something stable.

If you are doing something you love to do, are putting work into making it the best it can be, and are paying your bills, that's good enough for me. I get what you are saying though.

May 7, 2015

Delt with this from teen to mid thirties. Own everything no debts saving investing cash flow...and people STILL question. Renting / roommates / underwater mortgage / sideways car loan / no savings / no investment / can't tell asset from liability.....and they play 20 questions and they will get ticked if point out the reality of thier situation.

Totally true!

I get frustrated when people think mortgaging a house, car and vacation makes them wealthy or somehow ahead financially.

People who don't understand net worth and are vocal about it irritate me. lol

May 7, 2015

But what they have or don't have indicates exactly the type of person they are. If someone isn't fully independent, it means they rely on their other half to prop them up with resources and support.

Most experience temporary set backs as others pointed out but no adult should expect others to support them continuously.

I don't drive. I never have, and it's unlikely I ever will. I am independent. I'm able to take care of myself, do my own grocery shopping, and even take my pets to the vet. Granted, a lot of that has to do with where I live and the excellent public transit system we have, but lack of driving ability has little to do with independence for me. Everyone's situation is different, and all factors should be taken into consideration before a judgment is passed. Better yet - don't judge at all.

May 7, 2015

Some of it is a generation gap with people suppose. Just delt with things different in twenties. Figured if was getting by with less money, why increase expences when get more money. Seemed to negate the more money thing. Grasshopper and any. Delayed vs instant gratification. Research a bloody video game buy more then most research a 30 year adjustable rate loan with a balloon payment.

Anyhow nice that some relate...just some people geeee. There is a reason in a cabin on top a mountain.

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