ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Just wondering your opinions here. We were together a little over a year and a half. He broke it off. I was and still am devastated. Went out with some friends the other night, and was surprised to get some male attention, and one guy asked for my number. I almost felt guilty, though, because I'm still hurting over the loss of my ex, even though it felt amazing for my self esteem to talk to another man. I felt guilty for talking to someone else even though, in my heart, I know it's over with my ex. So it brings me to the question: is it improper to "talk to" or go on dates while you're still mourning the loss of a relationship? I'm aware that this is the very definition of a rebound, but it really does feel nice to have that attention again. Also, is it unfair to any new guy/girl who comes into a dumpee's life to date them while you're still hurt, or can a meaningful relationship come from having that comfort when you need it most? Thanks.
Ambivalence Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 All I have to provide you is the male perspective. After a break up, the best thing to do is go out and have sex with a lot of women in order to realize that she wasn't special, and not good enough for the guy. I'm sure the same thing can be applied to women. Go out, give guys you are attracted to your number, and pull at the end of the night. You'll find a guy who is better very fast. 1
Thermals Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I don't see why using other people should be part of anyone's healing process. 6
Hawaii51 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Neah, I kind of feel attached in longer relationships, and it takes a bit before I go on emotionally or physically. I don't have an appetite for women, just that woman, but it's only that way cause I love her that itchb
Redhead14 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Just wondering your opinions here. We were together a little over a year and a half. He broke it off. I was and still am devastated. Went out with some friends the other night, and was surprised to get some male attention, and one guy asked for my number. I almost felt guilty, though, because I'm still hurting over the loss of my ex, even though it felt amazing for my self esteem to talk to another man. I felt guilty for talking to someone else even though, in my heart, I know it's over with my ex. So it brings me to the question: is it improper to "talk to" or go on dates while you're still mourning the loss of a relationship? I'm aware that this is the very definition of a rebound, but it really does feel nice to have that attention again. Also, is it unfair to any new guy/girl who comes into a dumpee's life to date them while you're still hurt, or can a meaningful relationship come from having that comfort when you need it most? Thanks. It is only unfair or improper to date while still mourning a relationship if you are not upfront and honest with whomever you are dating. You have a casual conversation with a potential dating partner to see if you are on the same page. In other words, if you are dating after a break up, you need to be clear that you are only dating casually and not looking for a committed relationship. There are men who are on that same page. They are dating for companionship and fun. If you are on that page, it's ok to date them. However, you should not look for or expect support from them in managing or processing emotions. can a meaningful relationship come from having that comfort when you need it most? There are instances when a relationship begins and is born out of "sharing" or getting through a tragedy or difficult time. However, that bond in your case would be unbalanced. In other words, you are not sharing a mutually emotional experience. Your bond would be to him but the bond will become weaker as you process the emotions related to your previous relationship and become stronger. The cases where bonding through a tragedy occurs is about when both parties are affected emotionally and equally by the event or issue. You bond and become stronger together. If the potential dating partner is looking for a relationship for himself, you should tell him straight up that that is not what you want for yourself. And, don't say "I am not looking for a relationship YET". Yet will often create a hope in a potential partner and they will date you because they think you may come around to them. It may in fact happen, but it's unlikely.
Vintage79 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I don't see any issue in talking with guys, but I'd probably hold off on dating until you're essentially over your ex. If you feel guilty talking to a guy, chances are it's too soon to date (but I don't see why you can't talk to guys even if you're in morning - that prevents you from talking to half of the world). Realistically, recovery can take a while, and in my view, it is a strong function of how hurt you were at break-up, and how well you process loss. I have been in a variety of longer relationships (1yr+), and I don't feel like I've ever had a rebound. Many of those I dumped the other person, or it was mutual - but for me, one time I didn't feel like really trying to date/get involved with someone new for almost 6 months, while I was fine moving on after a 6 year relationship in a week. The 6th month person hit me hard, the 6 year person, it was almost like it never existed. As for dating while you're hurt - not so sure, I think it depends on what you mean by hurt. As mentioned, if you feel guilty for talking, or dating the person, because you're thinking of your ex, it's a telltale sign of it being too soon. Dating in that situation just fills the new relationship with all sorts of trouble and while good things could certainly come of it, it's not really fair to the other person and not cool on your end.
towch Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) Just wondering your opinions here. We were together a little over a year and a half. He broke it off. I was and still am devastated. Went out with some friends the other night, and was surprised to get some male attention, and one guy asked for my number. I almost felt guilty, though, because I'm still hurting over the loss of my ex, even though it felt amazing for my self esteem to talk to another man. I felt guilty for talking to someone else even though, in my heart, I know it's over with my ex. So it brings me to the question: is it improper to "talk to" or go on dates while you're still mourning the loss of a relationship? I'm aware that this is the very definition of a rebound, but it really does feel nice to have that attention again. Also, is it unfair to any new guy/girl who comes into a dumpee's life to date them while you're still hurt, or can a meaningful relationship come from having that comfort when you need it most? Thanks. This is me right here. With the 8 months affair, no closure, dumping and ignoring i received from my Ex you would think i wouldn't care but just like you when i talk to a girl i feel like i am cheating and shouldn't be doing that. I cant say when is too soon, all i can do is share what i am experiencing. I sometimes feel like i am doing something wrong. Sometimes it triggers my Ex, i start to compare. It think it only means you are a good and loyal person. It is your loyalty kicking in (at least for me) even when they don't deserve. You also want to be careful about not getting hurt again. I was talking to a girl for 2 weeks, she already started calling me baby and honey. She sent me an amazing text the day before yesterday. Yesterday she got angry but wouldn't say why (i am guessing because i am not talkative on the phone). She proceed to tell me how she is not sure anyway more and cancelled how plans for the weekend. I don't really feel any hurt apart from the fact she was someone to talk to at an emotional point. All i am saying is you are already hurting in one department unless you are sure you can handle another, stay away or build a wall for the mean time. I think i am going to write a thread on inconsiderate and ignoring people. Edited May 7, 2015 by towch
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Thanks for the responses, everyone. I was upfront with the guy that I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and that I was hurting and not sure how to feel about talking to other guys. I think he lost interest because I wasn't texting back frequently, and that's ok. I'm not hurt because I wasn't into it as much as I could be. Why is it that we even feel "guilty" when we're dumped and a chance to talk to someone else arises? Is it a form of denial? Are we hoping our ex partner will return so we push new opportunities away? Our minds work in strange ways after s breakup. Perhaps it just means we are loyal as someone above said. 1
havocser Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I personally would wait it out. I waited almost 2 years after my last ex to start dating again because I knew I wasn't completely over him and that's not fair to anyone involved if you still have somekne else in the back of your mind. I think if you're just looking to get laid here and there and have some fun it's not an issue but you should make that very clear and upfront that you are still dealing with past relationships and aren't ready for a commitment. No need to put on new love goggles when the old ones aren't off! It could cause for a very emotionally unstable relatkonship with lots of insecurities
yxalitis Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I totally disagree with this notion...that you have to wait to "get over" an ex. If the new person is right, its right. My current GF basically seduced me because she knew I had just broken up with my ex. She thought I was a good catch, and she didn't hesitate. We have been together 9 months now...
DC77 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 First I want to say dating and sleeping with as many people as possible after a breakup is not only selfish and irresponsible, it's also a way of running from your issue without ever really dealing with it... Having said that, you'll know when you're ready when you're no longer thinking of your ex. Comparing your date to your ex. Or feeling guilt. Flirt and casually date, but as others have already said, be upfront. This is a time to work on you and finding what makes you happy with who you are and finding the strong confident woman you are. I know it sounds cliche, but keep yourself busy. You'll think less and less of him until you don't think of him at all. Then you'll be ready... If you do go the other route, yes there is the slight chance you will meet someone that will save you...but I think this is very rare. And the hope and expectation can be debilitating and take you on a very emotional rollercoaster where people get hurt often you...Been there.
joseb Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 The problem with dating soon after a breakup is that you are still in a very emotional state and unlikely to make good decisions. To the point that almost anyone will seem right. For a while at least. After my LTR cheated on me, I went out with the first girl I met and ignored the fact she was crazy because it felt like a relief to find someone again so soon. It was only many months later I started to realise what a bad relationship it was. Apart from wasting this girls time, the worst part was I learned nothing about myself or what went wrong with the LTR, I was straight onto something else. I think if you don't feel like you are ready for dating, you are not. How long was it since your breakup?
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I've always dated around shortly after a breakup. I find that talking to new guys and going out on dates helps me to come to terms with the fact that it's over, until I am actively dating again it still feels like I am being faithful to the ex. I am always up front and honest with people that I'm not ready for anything serious, just some fun times. Generally I've started dating a couple weeks after a split. It really does help me to move on and get used to being single and being my own free agent and meeting new people is fun and gets you out and about and enjoying life again. I find it hard to feel truly single until I have slept with or kissed someone else, basically done something I wouldn't have done while in a relationship. That moment with someone new is kinda a 'no going back now' feeling. As long as you're honest, date when you're ready. It's funny someone saying that when they're in that position they find themselves believing the next person they meet is the right one, to fill the void left by the ex, without seeing them objectively, leading to lots of pain when you realise it's not what you wanted after all. But I seem to be the opposite. After a break up it takes a HELL of a connection and compatibility for me to even think of dating somebody exclusively again.
joseb Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 It's funny someone saying that when they're in that position they find themselves believing the next person they meet is the right one, to fill the void left by the ex, without seeing them objectively, leading to lots of pain when you realise it's not what you wanted after all. But I seem to be the opposite. After a break up it takes a HELL of a connection and compatibility for me to even think of dating somebody exclusively again. I actually am like this after my latest breakup - It would take a very very special person to make me want to date exclusively. But I think this is partly because of my past experience jumping into something soon after a big split up. I see a lot of people here on LS that seem to swing from one branch to another. I think if you really are able to date casually, and are clear with the people you meet about this, then dating again after a short time (weeks, months) is probably fine.
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 I waited 4 1/2 years between my first breakup and my next relationship. By that point it felt really nerve wracking to be in a relationship again at first. I did feel at the time that he was different and special. Boy, was I wrong. Proves you can still take your time after a breakup and that next person may still not work either.
joseb Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 I waited 4 1/2 years between my first breakup and my next relationship. By that point it felt really nerve wracking to be in a relationship again at first. I did feel at the time that he was different and special. Boy, was I wrong. Proves you can still take your time after a breakup and that next person may still not work either. Yip, no guarantees in life and love! How long was this last relationship, and was it a bad breakup?
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Yip, no guarantees in life and love! How long was this last relationship, and was it a bad breakup? 19 months. When I met him I wasn't looking for a relationship. The breakup was really hard on me, because he told me he wanted to go and have fun with his friends and not have to answer to a girlfriend. He just packed his stuff up and moved out almost two weeks ago and wouldn't even sit down and talk to me. I felt I deserved a talk. He was so dead set on leaving that it makes me wonder if there is someone else.
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