Violet dateline Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I've been dating a coworker for 7 months. We both agreed not to make it public at work because it could get awkward. Things are really good in terms of our compatibility, we have lots in common and I enjoy his company. I just don't know how seriously I can take our relationship. In 7 months I haven't met anyone in his life other than his young kids. Early on when we first started seeing each other he had a get together at his place that I wasn't invited to. I figured he wasn't ready to introduce me as it was pretty early on. His birthday was a few months later and I took him out for dinner and then after dinner he went to a bar with his friends, I wasn't invited. He had another get together very recently which he did tell me he wanted me to go to and then closer to the date just never mentioned it again and we were texting the night of his "party" and he asked me what I was doing I said "nothing" and he did not extend an invite. The next day he was telling me that his friend brought his new girlfriend and his other friends brought their significant others. I was pretty hurt and I was surprised that he was so open about telling me that his friends had their girlfriends there. He regularly hangs out at this one friends house with a group of other people and I have never been asked to go. When we first started talking we went out to a bar, twice. Since then we have gone out for dinner once on his birthday and I paid the bill. A few times we have gotten take out but I always pay for it since I pick it up on the way to his place. He does cook me dinner on occasion. My birthday was a few weeks ago and he did get me a gift but we didn't go out. Most of the time we spend together is in his apartment, we watch tv and have sex. I have mentioned that I would like to do things other than watch tv and have sex. He tells me he wants to and that we should but we never actually do. We have done a few daytime activities with my child and his kids but it's always things like the park. He tells me he loves me, he said it months before I did and he tells me that since his divorce I'm the best girl that he's dated and sometimes he asks me if I can see myself moving in with him. I don't get it. I don't know what to make of all of this. I'm thinking of breaking up with him, I'm really not ok with just sitting around watching tv and I feel like a dirty secret. Why does he tell me he loves me but he doesn't want anyone else to know?
preraph Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I don't know why you're still there. He's just banging you. He has no long-term intentions whatever. He doesn't want anyone to think you're his girlfriend. This is just as good as being told "You're not my girlfriend." This shouldn't be good enough for you. You should dump him.
Gaeta Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Another case of:: I expect my boyfriend to read my mind. * Tell him you'd like to join in with his friends * If you want to do outdoor activities then organize them - place and time * Talk to him about meeting each other's parents * Talk about making your relationship public at work He's just a clueless man like many men out there that don't know how to organize dates and outings. Did you talk to him about any of this, and why not? 1
La.Primavera Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Tell him exactly how you feel and what your concerns are. They are all valid concerns by the way so don't let him tell you otherwise. He is unintentionally or purposefully treating you as dirty secret or backup. That is an unacceptable way to treat someone you claim to care about. From what you have said he sounds like user. If this is as good as it gets I would run for the hills.
ClickToRead Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Girl, run for the hills! I have been where you are. I could have wrote your post a few years ago. You can take the other person's advice but it will not help. He is hiding you! When he mentions things like that get-together and moving in, that is to keep you hooked. There is someone else. Are you on his social media accounts?
PogoStick Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I don't think that's fair since they mutually agreed to be a secret. She doesn't have a right to expect things to change until she very specifically states what needs to change. Don't say "I want to do things besides watch tv". Instead "I want to go to the zoo." or "I want to go to the hockey match". If he agrees you can even go a step farther and buy the tickets yourself. If he doesn't come around after you take direct initiative with clear communication then you're free to end the relationship.
Author Violet dateline Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 I wrote him a message telling him that it feels like our relationship is just tv and sex. He was pretty upset and said that he doesn't think of it like that at all. He told me that he loves me a lot and said I was his best friend. I'm still confused as to why he never includes me in social things with his friends or why I am a secret from everyone in his life. Before we started dating he was seeing someone else and I know that he introduced her to his friends. What's wrong with me? I'm also not sure that I can be content with just watching tv and never going out. In 7 months he hasn't taken me for dinner once, not even for my birthday. I do genuinely care about him and value his friendship but I don't like being a secret.
Author Violet dateline Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 We are friends on all social media accounts and we text from morning to night, I don't think there is someone else.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 OP do we have to spell it out for you? He just keeps you for the easy sex He might not be seeing other Women, but he wants to keep you at arm's length and doesn't want a relationship. 2
beach Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 When the actions don't match the words - there's a lie in there somewhere. Since he doesn't make effort to include you and change things - it's time to move forward and end it. This is supposed to be the BEST time of seeing each other - and now you've spelled it out for him what you expect - but he hasn't changed a thing. So it's time to find a more compatible man to date - this guy isn't able to provide what you need to feel happy and safe... That would be enough for me to know it's over.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I wrote him a message telling him that it feels like our relationship is just tv and sex. He was pretty upset and said that he doesn't think of it like that at all. He told me that he loves me a lot and said I was his best friend. I'm still confused as to why he never includes me in social things with his friends or why I am a secret from everyone in his life. Before we started dating he was seeing someone else and I know that he introduced her to his friends. What's wrong with me? I'm also not sure that I can be content with just watching tv and never going out. In 7 months he hasn't taken me for dinner once, not even for my birthday. I do genuinely care about him and value his friendship but I don't like being a secret. You need to ask him this directly. Something isn't right in this whole scenario. Perhaps you aren't the only girl in his life.
PogoStick Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Go back and read what I said. What you wrote is a bit passive-aggressive. Mentioning a problem is much different than suggesting solutions. You need to be DIRECT and SPECIFIC.
Redhead14 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I've been dating a coworker for 7 months. We both agreed not to make it public at work because it could get awkward. Things are really good in terms of our compatibility, we have lots in common and I enjoy his company. I just don't know how seriously I can take our relationship. In 7 months I haven't met anyone in his life other than his young kids. Early on when we first started seeing each other he had a get together at his place that I wasn't invited to. I figured he wasn't ready to introduce me as it was pretty early on. His birthday was a few months later and I took him out for dinner and then after dinner he went to a bar with his friends, I wasn't invited. He had another get together very recently which he did tell me he wanted me to go to and then closer to the date just never mentioned it again and we were texting the night of his "party" and he asked me what I was doing I said "nothing" and he did not extend an invite. The next day he was telling me that his friend brought his new girlfriend and his other friends brought their significant others. I was pretty hurt and I was surprised that he was so open about telling me that his friends had their girlfriends there. He regularly hangs out at this one friends house with a group of other people and I have never been asked to go. When we first started talking we went out to a bar, twice. Since then we have gone out for dinner once on his birthday and I paid the bill. A few times we have gotten take out but I always pay for it since I pick it up on the way to his place. He does cook me dinner on occasion. My birthday was a few weeks ago and he did get me a gift but we didn't go out. Most of the time we spend together is in his apartment, we watch tv and have sex. I have mentioned that I would like to do things other than watch tv and have sex. He tells me he wants to and that we should but we never actually do. We have done a few daytime activities with my child and his kids but it's always things like the park. He tells me he loves me, he said it months before I did and he tells me that since his divorce I'm the best girl that he's dated and sometimes he asks me if I can see myself moving in with him. I don't get it. I don't know what to make of all of this. I'm thinking of breaking up with him, I'm really not ok with just sitting around watching tv and I feel like a dirty secret. Why does he tell me he loves me but he doesn't want anyone else to know? Why does he tell me he loves me but he doesn't want anyone else to know? You open a casual, non-confrontational conversation and say something like "I am enjoying the time we spend together. I'd like it if we started meeting friends and family and doing some other activities together. And suggest something you'd like to do. Also tell him you've mentioned him to your friends and family and they'd like to meet him. Then observe his reaction and behavior moving forward. You're simply planting the seed for thought for him. It's non-pressuring. You're using "I" statements and not criticizing him. It would be pressuring or critical if you say "You never do .. . . you don't, etc. And, you shouldn't use negative statements "I don't like that we stay in the house all the time". It's not what you say, it's about how you say it. You're afraid if you let him know you're feelings, he will back off. The truth is that, expressing you're needs or wants in a relationship doesn't change how they would respond if you do it in a positive, supportive, noncritical way. Their response will be their response. But they will default to a non-commital or negative response if they are feeling pressured or confronted.
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