Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 As usual, I got the "let's just be friends" e-mail tonight. And the funny thing is, I don't care that much. I think I am building up an immunity to rejection. I am starting to believe love, at least as I envision it, does not exist. Maybe one day I will be so completely devoid of emotion that I will be content buying a house, getting a dog, and watching the sun set alone.
Three of Swords Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam As usual, I got the "let's just be friends" e-mail tonight. And the funny thing is, I don't care that much. I think I am building up an immunity to rejection. I am starting to believe love, at least as I envision it, does not exist. Maybe one day I will be so completely devoid of emotion that I will be content buying a house, getting a dog, and watching the sun set alone. Dam^' to getting the 'let's be friends' email - that really bites. Sorry to hear that. Worse than the "it's not you, it's me talk" (which I got a few weeks ago). Is there such an thing as immunity to rejection? At my second job I work at a call centre - get rejected repeatedly every day - still not immune. BTW - no need to watch the sun set alone - I could sit there with you. Maybe other LSrs might join you to?
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam I am starting to believe love, at least as I envision it, does not exist. Maybe one day I will be so completely devoid of emotion that I will be content buying a house, getting a dog, and watching the sun set alone. It will feel like that for the moment. But not for ever. Allow yourself to grieve right now, but remember it will pass.
gd1039 Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 WhereSpiritsRoam - I'm sorry she said that. I don't know how much detail her e-mail went into, but you may have to press harder for answers. Maybe she just needs to completely put the idea of dating you out of her head for now, even though she really does still like you. Maybe she wants to see if you stick with her until shes better, as a friend, even though you know she has no intention of dating you, even though she really might. If you don't know already, find out why she just wants to be friends. It might be that she does like you but isn't ready to date anyone still. Being immune to rejection is a good thing, but not so much if you are just used to the depression of being rejected (which is how you feel I think). It's good to not care because you know there are other oportunities out there don't not care because you're doomed to become single. Relax, take it easy, and find out whatever else you can so you have all your answers. It sucks, I know it does, but even if this really is the end with her nothing besides a little time will make you feel better. It could be 2 days or it could be 2 months, but eventually you will put this behind you. Remember, there is 0 emotion conveyed through typing, so you can't be sure of the tone she had when she wrote you that email. She may have been crying her eyes out...
amerikajin Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 While I do think that reducing contact could be beneficial, it may also do some harm. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes the heart forget. A word about "being busy". It only works if the person is interested to begin with. There may be some situations in which a woman may be interested but is either cautious about dating you or is playing the field. If a woman thinks you're hooked, but hasn't quite made up her mind whether she's hooked, she'll prefer to take it slowly. The "busy" technique does work in some situations, though, because it makes the girl realize that she'd better make a decision one way or the other. But being busy by itself doesn't do anything. It's not going to get you what you don't already have. If she's not interested, you could have the social life of Brad Pitt and it wouldn't matter.
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by amerikajin If she's not interested, you could have the social life of Brad Pitt and it wouldn't matter. It would matter to WhereSpiritsRoam
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Her e-mail was fairly detailed, just explaining that she isn't ready to date anyone - seriously or otherwise. She basically wants me to move on because she can't even give me a rough timeframe of when she might be ready to date again. Let's face it - she's only 19. While she is a very mature 19, she's still at the age where she just wants to date around and not have any strings attached. I can't blame her for just wanting to party and have fun - that's similar to how I was in college. At 25, I want someone who wants to be with me right now, and I'm done playing the waiting game. I think there is the possibility that she really does like me, but she could sense that I was not happy being just friends right now and made this move for her own emotional benefit. Now she doesn't have to worry about me at all, but should she want to date down the line, she feels like she could come looking for me. The thing is, even if that materializes, I hope to be long gone by then. I know it wasn't the most mature thing to do, but I never responded to her e-mail. I just deleted it and went to bed. What was I going to say anyway? She's made up her mind and I've learned the hard lesson that pleading your case or trying to defend yourself is almost always futile. She's a hot, sweet girl who likely knows that and thought that she could find someone hotter and/or who lived closer, and I can't say that I blame her. Another girl I've been talking to the interim said she will likely be moving to Orlando. I just can't catch a break these days. I wonder if someone upstairs is trying to send me a message that I should just throw in the towel.
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam I wonder if someone upstairs is trying to send me a message that I should just throw in the towel. No, He just has someone better in mind for you...
Marshbear Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I had a similar experience with a girl I liked and were friends. I wanted to move forward and she did not want to date me or anybody now. She liked me but the timing was off. You can't take it personally if she doesn't see you in her life right now. I see my friend and see still isn't dating anybody ( I think she has men issues ). If fact a friend of mine told me she said that she didn't want a man in any way, shape or form. My point is you may be at different roads now and sometimes no matter if you like the person or not it isn't want you want. I would continue my life and see what happens. Usually when you are looking for a G/F you can never find one ( women sense your neediness ) and when you aren't they are all over the place. You can try to stay in touch with her or not, the choice is yours. If you sense she likes you but isn't ready then give her room. Who knows what might happen....
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 I am starting to think that romance is a LOT more about about timing than it is love. I've gone on a ton of dates these last few months - a few just weren't interested, but most weren't "ready" for what I was looking for. I used to be a believer in romance, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not Brad Pitt, and I don't make six-figures, but I try not to be a jerk or anything and yet all I get are the "you're a nice guy, but..." speeches. I hear so many women say, "guys don't care about romance" and "there are no good guys out there." Well, we're here - just consistently finishing last for reasons that are outside my scope of understanding.
amerikajin Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 I am starting to think that romance is a LOT more about about timing than it is love That's true, but not necessarily for the reason you think it is. I think the timing is all about the maturity of the two people involved in the relationship. It has to do with one's ability to recognize attraction and how to sustain it in a relationship, which is something I think people learn over time. But as for the "I just don't know if I'm ready to be in a relatiosnhip" line...that's a write off, bud. Sorry. The reality is, no woman who's really interested in a guy ever says that. It's possible that you might be putting pressure on them before they get comfortable with you. One thing I've learned is that the first three or four dates shouldn't be really serious at all, it should be more like a casual "let's just get to know each other" kind of thing. Keep it light, keep the conversation upbeat, crack a joke or two...don't start getting serious until you know she's ready to start seeing a more serious side of you. Another thing is, it's often pretty difficult to be pulled out of the "friend" category. Try to make her respect you as an independent man rather than a friend.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by amerikajin But as for the "I just don't know if I'm ready to be in a relatiosnhip" line...that's a write off, bud. Sorry. The reality is, no woman who's really interested in a guy ever says that. I would tend to agree with you, but she's still stuck on her ex, and she has made it pretty clear that she can't even consider something new until those issues are resolved. You're right, though - if someone wants to be with you, they will do everything in their power to let you know it. The fact that she's willing to let me get away is probably a solid indicator that I wasn't much on her radar to begin with.
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam I used to be a believer in romance, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not Brad Pitt, and I don't make six-figures, but I try not to be a jerk or anything and yet all I get are the "you're a nice guy, but..." speeches. I hear so many women say, "guys don't care about romance" and "there are no good guys out there." Well, we're here - just consistently finishing last for reasons that are outside my scope of understanding. Back to the "nice guys finish last" debate. There have been so many of those that I'm not even going to attempt to summarise. But you need to be more than just nice. Dynamic with accomplishments would help. So would not taking crap from women - you can be too nice.
faux Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 If you are not OK with just being friends with this girl, don't waste her, or your time by acting like you are going to just be her friend. There is a strong possibility that this girl will never end up dating you, so be sure that you are perfectly fine with "just friends" in case this happens. She has unresolved issues with an ex of hers, does not want to be in a relationship right now, and wants to put her academic career first. I would say forget about "playing your cards right", and try to find someone else to date, unless you really just want to be her friend. It does not matter what your friends think, or what you think; it matters only what this girl thinks about the idea of dating you.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by faux If you are not OK with just being friends with this girl, don't waste her, or your time by acting like you are going to just be her friend. There is a strong possibility that this girl will never end up dating you, so be sure that you are perfectly fine with "just friends" in case this happens. She has unresolved issues with an ex of hers, does not want to be in a relationship right now, and wants to put her academic career first. I would say forget about "playing your cards right", and try to find someone else to date, unless you really just want to be her friend. It does not matter what your friends think, or what you think; it matters only what this girl thinks about the idea of dating you. She's awesome, but even she is not worth my effort to just be friends. Maybe one day if I have a g/f again, she would be a great friend to have. But that is something I have zero interest in at this time. I made it pretty clear that I wouldn't be happy with just a platonic relationship, and she will see that when I briskly move past her. I just can't believe that this happened when you consider all the nice things she said about me and all the time she made for us to hang out. It's like I was a mid-season replacement TV show that she decided not to renew.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 I know I'm going to get slammed for this, but I decided to reply to her e-mail today. I wanted to know if I had definitively been taken off the "date material" list or if she is just really confused right now, like she has been since I've known her. Firmly and directly, I told her exactly what I wanted, which was a relationship. I said that I could no longer hang out or just be friends, but if her feelings ever changed down the line, I would be open for re-establishing contact. In short, I just layed it out there. I don't play games. I believe in honesty, even if it stings.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 I think that's a very savvy way to put the ball into her court: to slam it down firmly, and with no question at all about what your intentions are. I'm curious to see what her reply is and how she words it.
alphamale Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam In short, I just layed it out there. I don't play games. I believe in honesty, even if it stings. the above is your main cause for concern WSR. I suggest you re-evaluate your policy.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia I think that's a very savvy way to put the ball into her court: to slam it down firmly, and with no question at all about what your intentions are. I'm curious to see what her reply is and how she words it. Me too. I will post her reply on here for your analysis. I am confident that she will be 100% honest with me - she has been so far, which is what attracted me to her in the first place. However, she is a very smart girl, fully capable of word trickery, so I'll let you all tease that apart if she tries something like that.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale the above is your main cause for concern WSR. I suggest you re-evaluate your policy. Yeah, honesty has burned me many times. But I know there are honest girls out there, even if they are harder to find than Osama. To me, it's worth the effort to seek out such people.
gd1039 Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 If you aren't out of the "date material" but she just isn't ready to date right now, hang in there. You aren't going to be able to change her mind and you know that. If she decides that you are not "date material" any more, its up to you to move on or still be her friend but not the same way you have been up to this point.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by gd1039 If you aren't out of the "date material" but she just isn't ready to date right now, hang in there. You aren't going to be able to change her mind and you know that. If she decides that you are not "date material" any more, its up to you to move on or still be her friend but not the same way you have been up to this point. Yeah, those are the only two ways it can play out. I expect to get a definitive answer. I think either one will involve me disappearing for awhile...probably a long awhile if it's the latter.
Three of Swords Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Honesty has been my downfall to. It seems people would rather play games. I HATE games - cause I never seem to remember all the rules. I think the fact you laid it all out was good - now the 'ball' is in her court. Hope it all works out for you. One way or the other.
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by WhereSpiritsRoam Yeah, honesty has burned me many times. But I know there are honest girls out there, even if they are harder to find than Osama. To me, it's worth the effort to seek out such people. They are the majority WSR. It's just that the bad minority of girls move quickly from one relationship to the next, so they get around a lot, hurt people a lot and are thus more evident.
Author WhereSpiritsRoam Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 Well, she never responded to my e-mail, so I'm assuming that she understands and accepts my position on things. If she took issue with how I felt, she certainly would have replied. I did tell her that there was no need to write back if she was ok with everything I wrote. So, I guess no reply is a good reply. Onwards and hopefully upwards, as they say.
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