katiegrl Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I have to present another side of him though. Funny sometimes how people can be outstanding in certain facets of their life and completely dysfunctional in their romantic life. This man is the definition of selflessness. He volunteers twice a week in food banks and in other charitable organizations. He is constantly on the road collaborating to a project or another always related to the homeless and the poor. Saturday night we were walking downtown on our main street. Friends and acquaintances came up to him. I could tell he is well liked and respected. He also gave money to every street performers and homeless people we came across. He's a successful business man and often these people are self absorbed but he is definitely not, he's turned toward the others. Also people with means often will give to charity and grab their charitable receipt and feel better but not him, he's in the field on weekly basis trying to make a difference. And that impresses me. That's all well and good, but if he is an insecure, manipulating, overly sensitive, emotional. guilt-tripping control freak in his relationships, what good is all that? I am NOT saying he IS all those things, I am just trying to make a point. There are red flags here that should not be ignored Gaeta, no matter how "impressed" you are by his altruism. 1
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I have to present another side of him though. Funny sometimes how people can be outstanding in certain facets of their life and completely dysfunctional in their romantic life. This man is the definition of selflessness. He volunteers twice a week in food banks and in other charitable organizations. He is constantly on the road collaborating to a project or another always related to the homeless and the poor. Saturday night we were walking downtown on our main street. Friends and acquaintances came up to him. I could tell he is well liked and respected. He also gave money to every street performers and homeless people we came across. He's a successful business man and often these people are self absorbed but he is definitely not, he's turned toward the others. Also people with means often will give to charity and grab their charitable receipt and feel better but not him, he's in the field on weekly basis trying to make a difference. And that impresses me. All that is great...but as you rightfully pointed out: the skill set for being a good romantic partner and just a good person, humanitarian, business man, lawyer, doctor or candlestick maker aren't the same. This is what I mentioned in your other thread, that I totally get you being enamored by a man's success and ambition which seems to be a running theme, but please don't allow a man's business acumen, volunteering and so on blind you to how he would be as a romantic partner to you. The two aren't the same. Those are all impressive things and nothing is wrong with being impressed by them, at all, but don't substitute that for finding out whether or not he has the emotional maturity and relationship IQ or plain values and character relationship-wise to be a good match for you. 2
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 That's all well and good, but if he is an insecure, manipulating, overly sensitive, emotional. guilt-tripping control freak in his relationships, what good is all that? I am NOT saying he IS all those things, I am just trying to make a point. There are red flags here that should not be ignored Gaeta, no matter how "impressed" you are by his altruism. !!!! Precisely.
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I absolutely agree about the fact that he shouldn't have been expecting support from her after 3 dates. And, as for being smitten at that point as well, I'd say he needed a distraction from all that was going on. He clearly wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. Nevertheless, if he/she wants to "try" again, she will need to keep things moving slowly until he demonstrates what she needs to see. And that is, a strong, emotionally stable man who has had some difficulties but is moving past them. I meant to add that, the concerning part for me is that he seems to have no perspective almost 3 years later. I would understand if it was 3 months later and he still felt slighted because he was still caught up in his own drama, but if after 2.5 years you can't gain any perspective to put yourself in Gaeta's shoes to say well you know what, I can see where she was coming from, I was a mess, the situation was a mess, I wanted a distraction, I wasn't ready, she ran, it makes sense....for him to have not even the tiniest thought or inkling of understanding her position years later, and he's still thinking he was the one slighted and still thinks she is "impetuous, judgmental" etc and he almost seems self-righteous about it just doesn't sit well with me. 2
katiegrl Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I meant to add that, the concerning part for me is that he seems to have no perspective almost 3 years later. I would understand if it was 3 months later and he still felt slighted because he was still caught up in his own drama, but if after 2.5 years you can't gain any perspective to put yourself in Gaeta's shoes to say well you know what, I can see where she was coming from, I was a mess, the situation was a mess, I wanted a distraction, I wasn't ready, she ran, it makes sense....for him to have not even the tiniest thought or inkling of understanding her position years later, and he's still thinking he was the one slighted and still thinks she is "impetuous, judgmental" etc and he almost seems self-righteous about it just doesn't sit well with me. Totally agree Miss Bee 100%! It is a HUGE red flag, perhaps one of the biggest there is! Personally, I would be completely turned off by that, but to each his own. Gaeta, if you choose to go forward, just be cautious and pay attention to how he treats YOU, not other people. I mean how he treats others is important, but ultimately YOU are the one pursuing a relationship with him, not everyone else. 1
gaius Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 NO ONE is required to deal with the drama of someone they've seen 3 times. Anyone who expects this is insane. It's one thing if you have been together 3 months even and later something came up, then of course that's different but nothing "came up" in his case. He KNEW FULL WELL he was in the midst of a nasty divorce and decided to be reckless and try to date and put innocent women who have nothing to do with it in an awkward position. That's his own selfishness and poor judgment. If I were going through a nasty divorce the last thing I'd be doing is trying to form a "serious bound" with a new man. I would NEVER want to put a new guy in that position and would actually be concerned about any person willing to sign up for drama with someone after 3 days. Most sane folks won't. This isn't a case of leaving when the going gets tough, this is a case of being strangers and one person is up to their neck in drama and shouldn't be dating but is recklessly doing so anyway and then expecting that sane people should sign up for their drama after 3 dates. Someone who can maturely assess their own situation and decide to opt out until they are a better candidate for dating wouldn't do that or have these expectations and be still upset years later. Haha, it would be a shame MissBee if you took yourself off the market because you had some divorce drama or other stupid stuff going on in your life. You think you're not worth a guy putting up with a little drama for? This guy was totally upfront about his situation, he wasn't deceptive or trying to wrangle her into anything against her will and she decided to ditch him because he wasn't worth the drama. Which means he wasn't worth much in her eye. And he shouldn't forget that. I have a lot of drama going on right now and there's someone who's been very supportive. It makes me want her even more than I normally would if I just ran across her randomly. I don't know what planet people are living on where the healthy thing to do is to gravitate toward those that ditch us at the smallest excuse.
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 Totally agree Miss Bee 100%! It is a HUGE red flag, perhaps one of the biggest there is! Personally, I would be completely turned off by that, but to each his own. Gaeta, if you choose to go forward, just be cautious and pay attention to how he treats YOU, not other people. I mean how he treats others is important, but ultimately YOU are the one pursuing a relationship with him, not everyone else. Good point. I'm not saying he's a narcissist but for example, narcissists are notorious for being charming and wonderful to strangers and acquaintances but are a nightmare to their significant others or family. This is why it's sometimes hard because to outsiders the narcissist is the greatest guy and doesn't at all seem like a terror for those not close to him and people just can't believe he is actually a horrible guy. All that to say, Katie girl is right that you shouldn't be caught up by how he treats the homeless or people he isn't dating but focus on how he treats you and makes you feel. Also Gaeta , if you proceed I'd ask him about the divorce and why it happened and see how he responds and pay close attention. 1
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) Haha, it would be a shame MissBee if you took yourself off the market because you had some divorce drama or other stupid stuff going on in your life. You think you're not worth a guy putting up with a little drama for? This guy was totally upfront about his situation, he wasn't deceptive or trying to wrangle her into anything against her will and she decided to ditch him because he wasn't worth the drama. Which means he wasn't worth much in her eye. And he shouldn't forget that. I have a lot of drama going on right now and there's someone who's been very supportive. It makes me want her even more than I normally would if I just ran across her randomly. I don't know what planet people are living on where the healthy thing to do is to gravitate toward those that ditch us at the smallest excuse. Ahh yea I would. For my own sanity. I've never been married or divorced and even just normal break ups sometimes require having a time out to regroup and be all there to offer myself in my best capacity to someone else. Much less being dragged through a divorce I can't really imagine thinking it would be great to build a relationship at this current moment when 3/4 of my energy and head space and conversations with the new guy will likely center on my divorce drama...yea that's not my idea of an aphrodisiac or starting things off on a good foot. That's my preference for myself and dating. I try to stay clear of those who seem to try to date at all cost with no concern for if they are even offering more than they are expecting someone to put up with. I'm worth a lot but I don't think me being neck deep in drama is good for the start of a relationship and would never fault a man for deciding he didn't want to deal after 3 dates. Some people will clearly be undeterred and that is their choice. It most times doesn't end well for them, but point is this guy is acting like Gaeta was wrong for not choosing his drama and you too are making it seem like it's normal for people to want to sign up for drama after 3 dates and I'm here to say this isn't so. The people who choose to do it, bless them, but most reasonable people are right to not choose that when they don't know the person from a can of paint. Edited May 6, 2015 by MissBee
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 There is drama and there is divorce drama which is totally different. I dated for a year a man with serious financial drama and I was fine with it because it did not involved bitterness, betrayal, and mourning. Divorce drama is something I won't get into. The person state of mind is fragile, he's filled with confusion, bitterness, his mourning isn't done, he has not moved on. Most of the time these men need a band-aid to make them feel better and when everything is back on track you're being discarded for a new model.
GemmaUK Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 Gaeta, what was the divorce drama about? Why were 3 lawyers involved? Also, why could he only see his children with supervision? I know this was all back then but I'm curious as to his history.
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 Gaeta, what was the divorce drama about? Why were 3 lawyers involved? Also, why could he only see his children with supervision? I know this was all back then but I'm curious as to his history. When they had disagreements she would call the authorities, she called 2 times. He said he never touched her ever but that was the word of a man I had seen 3 times and I was not ready to gamble on that one. He had domestic violence charges pending so he was not allowed to see his daughter without supervision before court. Apparently his ex also called immigration on him for something. So he had 1 lawyer for the divorce, 1 for the criminal allegations, 1 for immigration. He told me all charges were dropped, he got his daughter's custody solved and his immigration problems got dropped as well. There was so much drama going on I never asked him what lead their marriage to this destructive end.
GemmaUK Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 OK. I just had a heart in mouth moment reading that. Gaeta, don't pursue this one. Please don't. He had domestic violence 'charges', that is way more than allegations. I don't give a Scooby if his he says his ex is a nut or whatever. Do you have the ability in Canada to find out about any charges or convictions? In the UK we can only find out about convictions (I think) - which is not necessarily much good. My questions came from a few of the same feelings MissBee had and his history is all you need to back up what she has said. I would very quietly walk as far away as possible from this guy.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 When they had disagreements she would call the authorities, she called 2 times. He said he never touched her ever but that was the word of a man I had seen 3 times and I was not ready to gamble on that one. He had domestic violence charges pending so he was not allowed to see his daughter without supervision before court. Apparently his ex also called immigration on him for something. So he had 1 lawyer for the divorce, 1 for the criminal allegations, 1 for immigration. He told me all charges were dropped, he got his daughter's custody solved and his immigration problems got dropped as well. There was so much drama going on I never asked him what lead their marriage to this destructive end. Okay. First of all, you NEVER take a man's word for ANYTHING regarding domestic violence, the charges for such a crime or that the charges were supposedly 'dropped'. You don't even KNOW this guy. And, to add to that, he STILL is harboring resentment (and butt hurtedness) towards you because you bailed on that kind of potentially serious drama TWO YEARS AGO. And now he's being all careful..."walking on eggshells" around you...being sensitive with EVERYTHING he says to you...and is being overly apologetic about almost anything he says or does towards you so as not to "rock the boat" with you so to speak. Now...he could very well have been INNOCENT of all of the domestic violence drama during that time...and he could be trying to be VERY careful around you because he really likes you and wants to have you back in his life - even though he only KNEW you for a very SHORT period of time TWO YEARS ago. But...do you really want to RISK having a guy like this back into your life, when you actually know SO LITTLE about him and about his prior divorce/domestic violence drama???? Personally, I wouldn't touch that. It may sound mean or uncompassionate, but if I were you, I'd rather start fresh with someone NEW who has/had NO divorce/domestic violence drama in his life and who isn't paranoid or resentful towards me from the get-go. You're a smart gal Gaeta, and I think you deserve BETTER than this guy. I mean, you can go for it if you want...but if I were you, I'd always sleep with one eye open if you stick with this guy. Whatever you decide to do, good luck! .
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