Gaeta Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 More than 2 years ago I went on 3 dates with this man. Nice gentleman and all but he was tangled in the middle of a very ugly divorce. After our 3rd date I decided to put an end to our dating. He was very smitten and mixed with his legal problems it was too much (of course I explained to him why I did not wish to pursue) Last xmas, out of the blue I get a text from him wishing me happy holidays. It was a nice surprise. We exchanged a few words and left it at that. It was a bad time to get into things I was on vacations at my parents. Last week I was cleaning my contacts and came across his name and thought let’s see what he is becoming. I texted him, it turned into a phone call and we agreed to get together Saturday. So that brings us to last Saturday: During dinner he told me I had crushed him back then. He had opened up to me about all of his legal problems and instead of being understanding and supportive I judged him and left. Then 2.5 years later I call him and he runs to me, he must be out of his mind. So we kept in touch since last Saturday. I can feel he is walking on eggshells around me. He apologizes a lot, he often wants to clarify things he said, he wants to avoid any misunderstanding, he also says things like he doesn’t want to overwhelm me, impose himself too much etc. He teases me a lot about being impetuous. It makes me feel a little bit like a monster and it takes away spontaneity. I like him, we get along wonderfully, he is also 53 and It's rare I get asked on dates from men in my generation. I see potential. I’m not sure if I should take the role of the leader because of our history? He is definitely sitting in the back seat with his seat belt on with what happened 2.5 years ago.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 It would appear he's holding back because your history together so if you like him, enjoy his company and would like to move things along, GO FOR IT! What do you have to lose at this point? 2
mammasita Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 It seems like there's a ton of potential. Its been 2 years, that's ample time for him to be clear of whatever trouble he had and certainly enough time for him to be over his divorce. I say go for it! 2
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 All his legal matters are solved. The last details were finalized March 2015 so she dragged and fought him for 2.5 years. He also said he did not date at all those 2.5 years after I ended things. I'm not crazy about being in the driver's seat, I would like this to be mutual but under the circumstances I may be asking to much.
amaysngrace Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I'd just explain that you saw him 2.5 years ago as not ready to be in a relationship but you're glad he's ready now or something. Maybe that will put him more at ease. But.....if he has a habit of dwelling on the past and can't just go from here he may not be the man for you. You seem too grounded to deal with that nonsense. 2
Redhead14 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 More than 2 years ago I went on 3 dates with this man. Nice gentleman and all but he was tangled in the middle of a very ugly divorce. After our 3rd date I decided to put an end to our dating. He was very smitten and mixed with his legal problems it was too much (of course I explained to him why I did not wish to pursue) Last xmas, out of the blue I get a text from him wishing me happy holidays. It was a nice surprise. We exchanged a few words and left it at that. It was a bad time to get into things I was on vacations at my parents. Last week I was cleaning my contacts and came across his name and thought let’s see what he is becoming. I texted him, it turned into a phone call and we agreed to get together Saturday. So that brings us to last Saturday: During dinner he told me I had crushed him back then. He had opened up to me about all of his legal problems and instead of being understanding and supportive I judged him and left. Then 2.5 years later I call him and he runs to me, he must be out of his mind. So we kept in touch since last Saturday. I can feel he is walking on eggshells around me. He apologizes a lot, he often wants to clarify things he said, he wants to avoid any misunderstanding, he also says things like he doesn’t want to overwhelm me, impose himself too much etc. He teases me a lot about being impetuous. It makes me feel a little bit like a monster and it takes away spontaneity. I like him, we get along wonderfully, he is also 53 and It's rare I get asked on dates from men in my generation. I see potential. I’m not sure if I should take the role of the leader because of our history? He is definitely sitting in the back seat with his seat belt on with what happened 2.5 years ago. You can get the ball rolling to decrease his insecurities, etc., but it needs to get balanced fairly soon. In other words, you can encourage him to come toward you, but he needs to be able to respond in kind and consistently before too long. If you've removed or decreased level of insecurity and he doesn't respond to that and drop those insecurities, I wouldn't invest myself too much. He's said he's struggling with what you "did" to him 2.5 years ago? That's a long time to be harboring insecurities like this. I'd say it's not all about that either. I'd say there's leftover "stuff" from the divorce as well. He needs to demonstrate that he is prepared for another relationship and you two should move very slowly. 4
katiegrl Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 All his legal matters are solved. The last details were finalized March 2015 so she dragged and fought him for 2.5 years. He also said he did not date at all those 2.5 years after I ended things. I'm not crazy about being in the driver's seat, I would like this to be mutual but under the circumstances I may be asking to much. Gaeta, yeah you are gonna have to be the pursuer here, at least for awhile. You burned him once, you're gonna have to show him (via your actions) ...that you're serious about going for it this time, and won't bail at the first hint of trouble. But before you do, be sure you REALLY "do* want to go for it. Cause if you change your mind and bail again, he's gonna be very hurt, and you will be left feeling very guilty.... 2
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 But before you do, be sure you REALLY "do* want to go for it. Cause if you change your mind and bail again, he's gonna be very hurt, and you will be left feeling very guilty.... I know that is an important factor here. It's a tall order too to decide at this point if I am jumping in. I have everything to discover about him, I don't know how I'll feel about him in 2-3-4 more dates.
losangelena Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I'd say leave it. You don't need to manage his emotions, but still, I'd be very hesitant to get back with a guy who said I'd had that kind of effect on him after just a handful of dates. Too much, there's too much baggage already, and it's barely off the ground. Find someone you can start fresh with. 2
katiegrl Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 You can get the ball rolling to decrease his insecurities, etc., but it needs to get balanced fairly soon. In other words, you can encourage him to come toward you, but he needs to be able to respond in kind and consistently before too long. If you've removed or decreased level of insecurity and he doesn't respond to that and drop those insecurities, I wouldn't invest myself too much. He's said he's struggling with what you "did" to him 2.5 years ago? That's a long time to be harboring insecurities like this. I'd say it's not all about that either. I'd say there's leftover "stuff" from the divorce as well. He needs to demonstrate that he is prepared for another relationship and you two should move very slowly. Great post Red. And with regard to what you "did to him" 2.5 years ago, I don't think what you *did* was all that god-awful tbh. You had a few dates, and didn't wish to pursue. Big freaking deal, it happens every day. To say you *crushed* him because of that sounds a little over the top/overly emotional imo, especislly 2.5 years later, and I would be very cautious proceeding.... Just me. 1
katiegrl Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I know that is an important factor here. It's a tall order too to decide at this point if I am jumping in. I have everything to discover about him, I don't know how I'll feel about him in 2-3-4 more dates. Of couse you won't, and you shouldn't, getting to know someone takes time! But the way he is acting, saying you *crushed* him after only three dates? And attempting to guilt trip you by telling you "I opened up to you, and instead of being supportive you just bailed"? You had "three" dates for crying out loud.. sheesh. Hell, one would think you suddenly dumped him after a long term committed relationship. And to be harboring insecurity 2.5 years later because of it? Sorry, I just find that incredibly weird, and if it were me, I would be thinking twice about this.. Again, just me... 1
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 Great post Red. And with regard to what you "did to him" 2.5 years ago, I don't think what you *did* was all that god-awful tbh. You had a few dates, and didn't wish to pursue. Big freaking deal, it happens every day. To say you *crushed* him because of that sounds a little over the top/overly emotional imo, especislly 2.5 years later, and I would be very cautious proceeding.... Just me. When he told me about crushing him I said to try to understand me. I was starting to date a him, he tells me this movie-like-story about his divorce, having 3 lawyers involved, having so see his child under supervision, his ex constantly coming around the corner with new tricks. Any sane woman would have withdrawn herself from the race. That's not how he sees it. He said he confined in me something very personal to show he trusted me and I judged him instead of believing in him.
amaysngrace Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) Did you ever come right out and say you didn't believe in him? Um...hello...it was probably a good call not to since he sounds unstable. Three dates? smh Edited May 6, 2015 by amaysngrace
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 Did you ever say you didn't believe him? I told him back then that I could not believe his story just on his words after so little time dating.
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 More than 2 years ago I went on 3 dates with this man. Nice gentleman and all but he was tangled in the middle of a very ugly divorce. After our 3rd date I decided to put an end to our dating. He was very smitten and mixed with his legal problems it was too much (of course I explained to him why I did not wish to pursue) Last xmas, out of the blue I get a text from him wishing me happy holidays. It was a nice surprise. We exchanged a few words and left it at that. It was a bad time to get into things I was on vacations at my parents. Last week I was cleaning my contacts and came across his name and thought let’s see what he is becoming. I texted him, it turned into a phone call and we agreed to get together Saturday. So that brings us to last Saturday: During dinner he told me I had crushed him back then. He had opened up to me about all of his legal problems and instead of being understanding and supportive I judged him and left. Then 2.5 years later I call him and he runs to me, he must be out of his mind. So we kept in touch since last Saturday. I can feel he is walking on eggshells around me. He apologizes a lot, he often wants to clarify things he said, he wants to avoid any misunderstanding, he also says things like he doesn’t want to overwhelm me, impose himself too much etc. He teases me a lot about being impetuous. It makes me feel a little bit like a monster and it takes away spontaneity. I like him, we get along wonderfully, he is also 53 and It's rare I get asked on dates from men in my generation. I see potential. I’m not sure if I should take the role of the leader because of our history? He is definitely sitting in the back seat with his seat belt on with what happened 2.5 years ago. My 2 cents: I'm a little annoyed that he expected that a woman he went on 3 dates with was supposed to hold his hand through his ugly divorce and legal woes...the fact he was even trying to date during all that doesn't even make sense. I think he's being unfair and absurd to make it seem like you were the wrong one for running the hell away when most sane women would.' It seems like he is guilt tripping you and his jokes about you being impetuous and so on aren't funny to me, they make me bristle because I've interacted with men like this, who criticize you through "jokes" and who guilt trip and then make you feel like you're wrong when you aren't and who take you on an emotional mind trip ride very subtly. It doesn't leave a good taste in my mouth for things to start off that way. You weren't his 3 year gf who up and left him during a crisis, you were a 3 day stranger who decided most wisely that he should tend to his house and get it in order before trying to add someone else to it. His attitude now, IMO, should be "You know what Gaeta, back then wasn't good for me or you. I was upset that we didn't pursue anything because I liked you, but I understand why you didn't and I don't fault you. Now that things are different I'm happy that we've reconnected and hope we can go from there anew" THAT is the attitude I'd be applauding and if you posted that I'd be like heck yea, try it out. That would make him seem reasonable, mature, someone caring and understanding and one who grew. But for him to be all pissy that you walked away from his drama on date 3, and to this day he doesn't get why anyone would and has dubbed you judgmental, not supportive and impetuous....yea he doesn't sound like a winner. He sounds immature and where it's all about him and it doesn't sound like the makings of a fresh and bright beginning to me. 6
amaysngrace Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I told him back then that I could not believe his story just on his words after so little time dating. I'm with Miss Bee. He just sounds really emotionally immature or controlling or something. I can't quite put my finger on it but something is definitely not normal about him. 3
gaius Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 It would depend on the guy, but for one who's really looking to establish some kind of bond with you that's not cool. =/ Just up and running off because he's having a hard time with something and you don't want to deal with it. I don't think he's ever going to forget that so it's probably better just to move on.
katiegrl Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 When he told me about crushing him I said to try to understand me. I was starting to date a him, he tells me this movie-like-story about his divorce, having 3 lawyers involved, having so see his child under supervision, his ex constantly coming around the corner with new tricks. Any sane woman would have withdrawn herself from the race. That's not how he sees it. He said he confined in me something very personal to show he trusted me and I judged him instead of believing in him. Of course any sane woman would have done the same. Did it ever occur to HIM that it was too damn soon to be laying all that on you...after only 2-3 dates? Obviously not... And now, years later, instead of acknowledging that it was too soon for all that, he attempts to guilt trip you be telling you YOU weren't supportive? Gaeta, you exercised great judgment back then when you stopped seeing him. My advice would be to exercise good judgment now too...and let this go... 2
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I'm with Miss Bee. He just sounds really emotionally immature or controlling or something. I can't quite put my finger on it but something is definitely not normal about him. Ditto!!! I don't have the words now to flesh it out but I know that kind of interaction and literally physically bristled when I read it because I just some weeks ago had to dump a guy after date 3 whose behavior reminded me of this. He expected too much of me when I was no one to him yet, he would jokingly criticize me and say I was stubborn and all kinds of other judgments himself when we didn't know each other well at all, he would talk about me having to make things up to him because I did xyz and it all felt very off...until finally he snapped one day and I realized he was bat shyt crazy! My spidey senses are going up about this man that he is also the type who expects too much too soon, tends to easily feel slighted, then puts the woman he is with in this constant position of needing to "make it up to him" and where he blames her for making any decisions for herself and not for him and he just sounds unreasonable to me. Like I said, not a thing is wrong with saying he felt disappointed then because he liked you, I think a fair man could say that. But the fact that he is holding a grudge or is all like "Omg you crushed me, I can't trust you, I'm on egg shells because you didn't want to bear my burdens after 3 dates almost 3 years ago and I'll never let you live it down until you prove to me...." yeah all this is nonsense and I wouldn't want to be with a man who felt that way at all. Starting off a relationship where he is putting you in the position to pursue like "you messed up" before, listen to that...it makes not a lick of sense! You didn't mess up or do anything wrong by deciding not to date a man who was going through a ton of divorce drama...HE messed up by trying to bring an innocent woman into his mess. HE should be making it up not you. He wasn't the victim of you being horrible or anything and my fear is that the fact that he's making it seem that way is very telling of who he is and how things might proceed later. 3
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 It would depend on the guy, but for one who's really looking to establish some kind of bond with you that's not cool. =/ Just up and running off because he's having a hard time with something and you don't want to deal with it. I don't think he's ever going to forget that so it's probably better just to move on. NO ONE is required to deal with the drama of someone they've seen 3 times. Anyone who expects this is insane. It's one thing if you have been together 3 months even and later something came up, then of course that's different but nothing "came up" in his case. He KNEW FULL WELL he was in the midst of a nasty divorce and decided to be reckless and try to date and put innocent women who have nothing to do with it in an awkward position. That's his own selfishness and poor judgment. If I were going through a nasty divorce the last thing I'd be doing is trying to form a "serious bound" with a new man. I would NEVER want to put a new guy in that position and would actually be concerned about any person willing to sign up for drama with someone after 3 days. Most sane folks won't. This isn't a case of leaving when the going gets tough, this is a case of being strangers and one person is up to their neck in drama and shouldn't be dating but is recklessly doing so anyway and then expecting that sane people should sign up for their drama after 3 dates. Someone who can maturely assess their own situation and decide to opt out until they are a better candidate for dating wouldn't do that or have these expectations and be still upset years later. 5
Redhead14 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 My 2 cents: I'm a little annoyed that he expected that a woman he went on 3 dates with was supposed to hold his hand through his ugly divorce and legal woes...the fact he was even trying to date during all that doesn't even make sense. I think he's being unfair and absurd to make it seem like you were the wrong one for running the hell away when most sane women would.' It seems like he is guilt tripping you and his jokes about you being impetuous and so on aren't funny to me, they make me bristle because I've interacted with men like this, who criticize you through "jokes" and who guilt trip and then make you feel like you're wrong when you aren't and who take you on an emotional mind trip ride very subtly. It doesn't leave a good taste in my mouth for things to start off that way. You weren't his 3 year gf who up and left him during a crisis, you were a 3 day stranger who decided most wisely that he should tend to his house and get it in order before trying to add someone else to it. His attitude now, IMO, should be "You know what Gaeta, back then wasn't good for me or you. I was upset that we didn't pursue anything because I liked you, but I understand why you didn't and I don't fault you. Now that things are different I'm happy that we've reconnected and hope we can go from there anew" THAT is the attitude I'd be applauding and if you posted that I'd be like heck yea, try it out. That would make him seem reasonable, mature, someone caring and understanding and one who grew. But for him to be all pissy that you walked away from his drama on date 3, and to this day he doesn't get why anyone would and has dubbed you judgmental, not supportive and impetuous....yea he doesn't sound like a winner. He sounds immature and where it's all about him and it doesn't sound like the makings of a fresh and bright beginning to me. I absolutely agree about the fact that he shouldn't have been expecting support from her after 3 dates. And, as for being smitten at that point as well, I'd say he needed a distraction from all that was going on. He clearly wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. Nevertheless, if he/she wants to "try" again, she will need to keep things moving slowly until he demonstrates what she needs to see. And that is, a strong, emotionally stable man who has had some difficulties but is moving past them. 2
MissBee Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I absolutely agree about the fact that he shouldn't have been expecting support from her after 3 dates. And, as for being smitten at that point as well, I'd say he needed a distraction from all that was going on. He clearly wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. Nevertheless, if he/she wants to "try" again, she will need to keep things moving slowly until he demonstrates what she needs to see. And that is, a strong, emotionally stable man who has had some difficulties but is moving past them. Of course. She can go in with her expectations, deal breakers and boundaries and see what happens slowly. I'd be turned off by his behavior though, but nevertheless, you can keep those red flags in mind and see if they only persist or get better.
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 He was divorcing. He was feeling hurt, angry, upset and was dating to make himself feel better or even to get one up on his wife maybe. He decides to open up re his divorce and instead of getting soothing noises from you, you were in full dating mode so binned him as all that "nonsense" is just red flags, hassle and complications, no-one on a date wants to hear all that. But I guess he was reaching out to you as a human being, not as a potential date. I guess he may have been seriously wounded there, as he had already been wounded by his wife and was not in a great state. So he may have indeed been crushed. With his walking on egg shells and you feeling like a monster, I do not see this as a great basis for a relationship really. Time will tell, though. 1
Author Gaeta Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 I have to present another side of him though. Funny sometimes how people can be outstanding in certain facets of their life and completely dysfunctional in their romantic life. This man is the definition of selflessness. He volunteers twice a week in food banks and in other charitable organizations. He is constantly on the road collaborating to a project or another always related to the homeless and the poor. Saturday night we were walking downtown on our main street. Friends and acquaintances came up to him. I could tell he is well liked and respected. He also gave money to every street performers and homeless people we came across. He's a successful business man and often these people are self absorbed but he is definitely not, he's turned toward the others. Also people with means often will give to charity and grab their charitable receipt and feel better but not him, he's in the field on weekly basis trying to make a difference. And that impresses me. 1
katiegrl Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) I absolutely agree about the fact that he shouldn't have been expecting support from her after 3 dates. And, as for being smitten at that point as well, I'd say he needed a distraction from all that was going on. He clearly wasn't ready to date anyone seriously. Nevertheless, if he/she wants to "try" again, she will need to keep things moving slowly until he demonstrates what she needs to see. And that is, a strong, emotionally stable man who has had some difficulties but is moving past them. I agree, but given the fact their first interaction after 2.5 years is one wherein he attempted to guilt trip her, instead of accepting responsibility for his role in why she left, doesn't bode well for establishing a healthy relationship with a stable man. Edited May 6, 2015 by katiegrl
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