thank you Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I'm not sure how unusual this is but I'd love some help and advice if anyone has any? I was dating someone for almost two and a half years. Everything was really good, but I knew he had baggage (in fact he told me to my face once that he was an emotional retard, and I just didn't listen) and we never really progressed past dating. Maybe due to naivety (I haven't had any relationships before apart from a couple that lasted a month or so) I accepted all this and felt really good. Just before Christmas he moved halfway across the country for two reasons. One was to look after his best friend, who is very disabled and whose mum died. He needed a lot of support. The other reason was that he started his own business and his friend lives in a city where he got so much more work than he was getting here. His plan was to make as much money as possible and move back as soon as he could. It was really hard doing long distance but he visited quite often and we had two small breaks in the middle which were really good and I thought everything was fine. Since Christmas he had been suffering from palpitations and blackouts. Finally a month ago he was diagnosed with arrhythmia, and had painful open heart surgery to replace one of his valves and to give him a pacemaker. I felt in my soul things would change, but a week ago he sent me a long letter explaining that his life had changed and he could no longer see me. I took care and time to reply and said I was gutted and sad but not angry and I just felt really sorry for the way things had turned out. He replied straight away and we had a chat online where he told me I was amazing and he felt privileged to have taken me out but everything had changed and he had (quite by mistake) become quite clear on what he needed to focus on, which was getting better. He also dropped in the fact that his heart was still taken by his ex. He also said he would respect whatever I wanted but "for his part" he "still wanted to know me" and "I'll still tell anyone who asks you're one of the hottest, coolest, finest, loveliest and most amazing people I know." We agreed to stay friends but I don't know how. I don't know how to feel or more importantly, how to act with him. I want him to know that I wish him the best, and I don't want him to think that I'm ignoring him or don't want to know his progress. A friend would check in daily to make sure he's okay. He is really sick and I feel so sorry for him. On the other hand I don't want to pester him, and make it all about me, and keep begging for reassurances that it's not my fault. I don't want to cry on his shoulder or try and use him to make me feel better. I want him to respect me. I also feel angry at him for finishing it, angry at myself for being so naive, gutted, sad. Honestly I'm a mess. All my friends are saying it's a good thing because it would have just kept going round in circles forever. Just dating with no commitment and it would have had to end anyway. They're right. But it doesn't feel right. I want him back. I sent him a long panicky message saying I don't know how to be friends and he told me to 'chill out'. I regret sending the message. How do I support him through this without being clingy or losing his respect? Should I cut all ties? I know he doesn't hate me and I don't want him to start now. Is it even up to me to support him when he's the one that ended it? I just don't want to be cold but I don't want to hurt myself or come across as an idiot. Is NC the best way? Please help me.
imbax Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I'm not sure how unusual this is but I'd love some help and advice if anyone has any? I was dating someone for almost two and a half years. Everything was really good, but I knew he had baggage (in fact he told me to my face once that he was an emotional retard, and I just didn't listen) and we never really progressed past dating. Maybe due to naivety (I haven't had any relationships before apart from a couple that lasted a month or so) I accepted all this and felt really good. Just before Christmas he moved halfway across the country for two reasons. One was to look after his best friend, who is very disabled and whose mum died. He needed a lot of support. The other reason was that he started his own business and his friend lives in a city where he got so much more work than he was getting here. His plan was to make as much money as possible and move back as soon as he could. It was really hard doing long distance but he visited quite often and we had two small breaks in the middle which were really good and I thought everything was fine. Since Christmas he had been suffering from palpitations and blackouts. Finally a month ago he was diagnosed with arrhythmia, and had painful open heart surgery to replace one of his valves and to give him a pacemaker. I felt in my soul things would change, but a week ago he sent me a long letter explaining that his life had changed and he could no longer see me. I took care and time to reply and said I was gutted and sad but not angry and I just felt really sorry for the way things had turned out. He replied straight away and we had a chat online where he told me I was amazing and he felt privileged to have taken me out but everything had changed and he had (quite by mistake) become quite clear on what he needed to focus on, which was getting better. He also dropped in the fact that his heart was still taken by his ex. He also said he would respect whatever I wanted but "for his part" he "still wanted to know me" and "I'll still tell anyone who asks you're one of the hottest, coolest, finest, loveliest and most amazing people I know." We agreed to stay friends but I don't know how. I don't know how to feel or more importantly, how to act with him. I want him to know that I wish him the best, and I don't want him to think that I'm ignoring him or don't want to know his progress. A friend would check in daily to make sure he's okay. He is really sick and I feel so sorry for him. On the other hand I don't want to pester him, and make it all about me, and keep begging for reassurances that it's not my fault. I don't want to cry on his shoulder or try and use him to make me feel better. I want him to respect me. I also feel angry at him for finishing it, angry at myself for being so naive, gutted, sad. Honestly I'm a mess. All my friends are saying it's a good thing because it would have just kept going round in circles forever. Just dating with no commitment and it would have had to end anyway. They're right. But it doesn't feel right. I want him back. I sent him a long panicky message saying I don't know how to be friends and he told me to 'chill out'. I regret sending the message. How do I support him through this without being clingy or losing his respect? Should I cut all ties? I know he doesn't hate me and I don't want him to start now. Is it even up to me to support him when he's the one that ended it? I just don't want to be cold but I don't want to hurt myself or come across as an idiot. Is NC the best way? Please help me. Just let him know that you will be there for him but give him space and leave him alone for now. It doesn't sound like he is ready for a serious relationship with all the stuff that's going on in his life. I think you need to back off a little so that you don't get too engulfed into him and I know how hard this is to do. Unfortunately, you have to be strong minded. 1
Ruby65 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 Oh, sweetie -- I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Here's my read on this: he wasn't fully invested to begin with and now there's no place in his life to continue something he wasn't that into from the start. When someone tells you that you're "amazing".... wow, that's always been the kiss of death in my experience, anyway. If he's asking to be friends.... that means his feelings for you are gone to such an extent that he won't mind hearing about you dating other guys. Can you honestly say you could stand to listen to him talk about dating other girls? No, of course not -- because you were in love with him. This isn't temporary, this isn't because of his surgery -- although that was most definitely an inciting incident. It is NOT appropriate for you to "be there" for him after his surgery. It's not good for you to try some form of friendship -- or have any contact with him whatsoever! You don't need to hold his hand through this breakup.... all that does is help him move on without you, while making it harder on you. That's a lose/lose. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck to you -- keep posting! 1
Author thank you Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's really hard isn't it? I've never really been through this before. Thank you so much for being on my side. 1
imbax Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 It's cool, I think we're all going through a rough patch in life each with their own unique stories which share similar backbones. It's like a rollercoaster of emotions and generally I am a guy who is quite consistent with my mood most of the day. It just sucks to have to feel this way over my ex-girlfriend. I have lost my confidence and my self-esteem. I feel ugly for being dumped by my hot ex-girlfriend. I hope it seriously gets better for us soon because I feel like I am going crazy in my own mind. I guess ways that you can probably help yourself is by distracting yourself in some work / friends / hobbies and take your mind off your old partner for as long as possible. I don't want to create hate or anger but sometimes that's necessary to accept. Right now, I have accepted the decision and the initial stage of shock and hurt is out of the way. You know, it's the worst feeling always being their for someone who doesn't really want you there or appreciates you. It's not their fault, it's just that they don't "click" with you. And hopefully one day, everyone who has had their hearts broken into pieces can find true happiness and share it with their new found love of their life. 1
Recommended Posts