At an Impasse

[Jnk1296]

To be perfectly honest, I told myself I wouldn't bother others with this anymore, so... I'm not really sure why I'm doing this.

 

But I'm lost. And I'm still holding on. And I'm still telling myself to let go, but I can't let go until it bleeds...

 

This is a long post, and I'm really sorry for that. But I've been holding on to this for what seems like such a long time now and I need to vent it to someone.

 

Back in March of 2014, I was involved with running an online game server of which I'd been part of for several years. We had just enlisted a new moderator to help deal with managing the community. She was nice, polite and seemed to know a thing or two about dealing with unruly players.

 

Two weeks after she joined on, she suddenly quit on us, citing religious reasons and claiming things that I'd personally rather not repeat here for fear of offending others. That said, though, we fought briefly on this topic, and then she left (and I removed her from Skype). We never heard from her again.

 

Jump to July of the same year. We get a message from another moderator telling us that she's returned. Though I still held feelings against her for the stunt she pulled, I decided to be nice and greet her. She apologized to me personally for what had happened, said she'd missed us and the requested me to re-add her to Skype. Again, being polite, I did so.

 

Through a course of events that still manages to amaze me to this day... a mere fifteen days later and we had managed to fall in love with one another. We had discovered that we had... to be honest, more in common with each other than I ever personally had had with anyone else that I had ever met. At first we only did calls for a few hours each night, but they slowly grew longer, until we came to the point where, no exaggeration, we would go from roughly 9PM - 8AM, every single night, discussing every topic our minds could conjure up.

 

I could try to type out a long, drawn out description of how our relationship went, but, it's a futile effort. After this long, my brain has managed to repress a lot of memories, save for the most important. But I recall this; we never fought, save for once. We were always thrilled to see / talk to one another, we never wanted to end our calls at the end of the night. Were it not for the 500+ mile distance, we would have literally been joined at the hip.

 

This went on for 67 days. We kept a day by day tally of how long we'd been together. A tally I was proud of.

 

But the flaws were there. When people tell you that "love is blinding", they truly mean it. I knew from the start that there were problems. Major problems. Not ones that affected us short term, but that, if we were to ever get married or move in together or try to start a family, would have had severe implications.

 

But I tried to ignore them. And I tried to appease her desires. In every way that I could. The largest of which being religion, a topic which reared it's head several times...

 

She was vehemently religious, and I, personally, had never cared much for the religion.

 

But she refused to be with someone who wasn't as faithful as she was. So I bartered with her, I made deals and pleas and promises that, much as I wanted to, I was unable to keep. I still recall the last time we really spoke to one another, I swore that I would start practicing with her. And that made her happy.

 

Two days later I found myself nearly in tears over the fear that said religion would kill our relationship. And I told her my feelings, and she tried her best to comfort me. Then silence.

 

After establishing a routine of daily contact, the three days of total and complete silence that followed threw me for a loop and had me worried. I tried to play it off, tell myself that she was away for a few days, but in the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong.

 

On the third day, I messaged her mother on Facebook for a status update.

 

Instead, what I got was in no subtle terms a complete and total slap to the face. I got insulted in ways that no person should have been insulted. Told I was a cause of codependency, told that I would have run her into the ground, told that i was a terrible person for her. She had broken us up and was completely glad to have done so.

 

That, in and of itself was enough to shred me to pieces.

 

That which stung more, though, was the fact that she, being as obedient to her mother as she was, not only did nothing to try and stop this from happening, but also took up for her mother, took up her mother's feelings about me, and then turned around and began insulting me behind my back to our only mutual friend (who was kind enough to relay the messages to me.)

 

I don't really know what it is, but there's something about love. There's something about that moment when the one person you love and care about more than anything else on the entire planet tells you you're not good enough for them. When they tell you that they'd sooner give you up then risk damning themselves to an eternity of hell for knowing you. When you give up the core of your own personal being to keep with this person who's become your crutch and who wants to change you but you hold on as hard as you possibly can because deep down, you realize that this person is all you have left of the life you used to know. And because you realize that you never have, and possibly never will love any person like this again. There's something about making those commitments, only to have them thrown in your faces days later with no warning and no care.

 

She never said goodbye. She never even wanted to. She cut off all ties to me, closed her Skype account, changed her facebook and blocked me from every aspect of her life. A week earlier, she told me that she would always love me and that "(I'd) shown her a kind of love that (she'd) never felt before and (would) never feel again." A sentence that will forever haunt me. And without warning, she turned her back on me and every feeling she'd ever felt and sworn me off as "someone who didn't belong." That was exactly the way she phrased it...

 

The first three days were the hardest of my entire life. I'm sure many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. One moment you're okay, then you suddenly think of her for only a split second, and then you're sobbing inconsolably. You try to watch YouTube, find a new song you've never heard before and suddenly find yourself in the fetal position, rocking back and forth slowly on your bedroom floor.

 

From there, it's been more or less of a bi-polar roller coaster. Some days I would be alright, others I'd be more depressed than I could possibly imagine. For three months, even, I kept a 60,000 mg bottle of prescription pain killers on my dresser behind my television as a "just in case". I spoke to no one, I kept to myself. In the months since, I've become better. I've started working, which gets me out of the house, but it's a hard, labor heavy job with co-workers who are all 10-years older than I am, minimum, so I don't really get the chance to communicate with anyone my age.

 

That said, I'm now here. 221 days later (approx. 7 1/2 months later)...

 

Out of those 221 days, I can say with 100% certainty that there has not been a single day that I have not thought about her. The thoughts have become less and less intense, and during the day I rarely think of her at all. It's when the nights come around and I have no one to talk to and nothing to do that I start to think back again. But after so many days, all I can ever think about anymore is the pain.

 

I've tried to forgive. I've tried to forget. I keep wanting to set her on a pedestal, but I can't look past the person she became. I feel guilty for everything I ever did, things that I never should have felt guilty for. I once knew that I was the victim, that she did this to me. But anymore, I feel like everything was my fault. That I should have done this differently, that I should have said that thing instead of this thing. That I should have read between the lines more.

 

It's hard to forget and let go, though, when you know that the two months you spent with her were inarguably the happiest months of your life. There was no higher high, and there has been no lower low.

 

I'm at an impasse now. I know I need to let go of her. I know that she doesn't think of me. I know she's moved on. One month after the break up, I managed to get her cousin to tell her that if she ever needed anyone to talk to, that I would still be there for her (yes, a very stupid move on my part.) Her only response to me was a simple, blunt "f*ck you." And to this day, I still don't know what I did to deserve her scorn, what I did to deserve all this pain...

 

I still think back a night when we decided to sleep together in a Skype call (and I mean literally sleep, not the sexual variant). I still remember waking up in the middle of the night and hearing the sound of her voice through the microphone, hearing how peaceful she sounded. And in that moment, realizing the beauty of what I had and how lucky I was to have her. There is no more beautiful thing than to be with the person you love...

 

God, I miss her...

 

I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want someone who will listen anymore. She was my best friend, she was my world. And now, eight months later, I still cling to this small little shred of what once was. And I can't for the life of me let go...

Edited May 6, 2015 by Jnk1296

[RoseHeart]

I'm terribly sorry for your loss and pain. My heart goes out to you. You were treated very unfairly and this all is very shocking to me. You deserve someone who thinks the world of you and who doesn't want to change anything about you. That person is out there and I know it. You shouldn't have to change in order to fit someone's ideal. Don't sell yourself short like that. Sometimes a certain pain doesn't go away till you find someone else and fall in love again. I can testify to that. Majority of the time I have to fall for someone else in order to truly heal and get over someone else. I've accepted that it's the way my mind works for some reason and maybe it's the same for you. You cannot put a time on it. Seven and a half months is not that much when you look at the bigger picture even though I know it feels like eternity. The longest it has taken me to ever get over someone was roughly a year and a half and even then it was only because I fell in love with another guy. So my advice and motivation to you is that it can get better and you can experience the same love with someone else. I promise. I also thought I could never love someone else again as my first love but it is very much possible to move on from that. It just takes the right person to enter your life and unfortunately timing is the only problem so you'll need patience.

[Jnk1296]

Yeah, patience is one of those things I struggle with anymore. It's funny to me, honestly. I used to be happy being alone. My longest relationship before this was only something like two weeks, so as far as I'm concerned this was not only my first love, but my first real relationship period. And it took 18 years to do it. I've always had a difficult time really communicating with others, I suppose.

 

But I know you're right. Eventually, there will come someone else. I just don't know when and how, especially with my current social life (or lack thereof lol.)

[Jnk1296]

Well, I feel somewhat empty inside, but somewhat accomplished at the same time.

 

I finally went through and got rid of EVERYTHING.

 

I'd kept a box on my dresser for some time now that held some photos and letters and what not, and a flash drive with most of what I had of her, but I went through, added every last thing I could to it, got it off my computer, took the drawing I had of her off my wall, put that in the box, then sealed the box in cellophane and duct tape to the point where I'm going to really have to be hell bent to get it open again. lol

 

But that's everything. It's now just me and my memories and a rectangular shaped blob of duct tape that I haven't yet decided where to hide. i feel empty about it, but, at the same time, vindicated, in a strange, weird way.

[Satu]

I know you think you love/loved her, but there doesn't seem to have been any real foundation for a relationship outside of your own head.

[Jnk1296]

I'll only reply to that by saying that you weren't there. But trust me, it wasn't something I just made up in my head, if that's what you were insinuating...