petit_souris Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Hello everyone! I'll try to be concise. Been with my husband 15 years; year 9 - he had an affair. We broke up over it, then reconciled a few months later. The affair was 7 years ago. Nowadays we enjoy life together most of the time, we have the occasional arguments, but we are mostly ok. I just sometimes feel like I shouldn't have accepted it. And that makes me feel bad. Am I wrong to still feel that at times?
badpenny Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Why DID you accept it? Is 'accept' the right word...? Seems to me part of you didn't. There's still some underlying resentment, almost as if you feel that, looking back, he wasn't sorry enough. What about this issue, still rankles, exactly? 1
Zenstudent Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 No, you can change your mind at any time and when it suits you. I think it's quite normal to feel that way. I, at least, am with you :-) 3
Author petit_souris Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 I haven't changed my mind about being with him... I care about him. But sometimes I feel like... at that moment I couldn't choose differently, because I was too scared to lose him. And that makes me ... bitter, about it all? Maybe bitter is overstating it, just more like sad that it happened.
understand50 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 "I haven't changed my mind about being with him... I care about him. But sometimes I feel like... at that moment I couldn't choose differently, because I was too scared to lose him. And that makes me ... bitter, about it all? Maybe bitter is overstating it, just more like sad that it happened." petit_souris You can, and it looks like you have, forgive, but you will never forget. The fact that it happened 7 years ago, is meaningless, you will always be angry about the affair to some extent, and sometimes wonder if you did the right thing by reconciling. I think this is normal, and I think this happens to every BS. What you need to ask yourself is how is the marriage now? Is your husband a good and loving partner? If the affair had not happened would you be happy in the marriage? If so, I hope you can work with your husband to talk it out. Maybe you have not gotten all the information you needed from him, or after passing of years you need to ask more questions. If you are unhappy, there maybe other issues, you need to look at. Cheating colors everything, and some times you need to step back and look at what is going on. 363840 2
Satu Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 The key question is: "How do you feel about your life now?" Now is the only place you're ever going to be. 6
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I haven't changed my mind about being with him... I care about him. But sometimes I feel like... at that moment I couldn't choose differently, because I was too scared to lose him. And that makes me ... bitter, about it all? Maybe bitter is overstating it, just more like sad that it happened. Look at it this way - he took 9 years to decide he was going to be unfaithful. Based on my math, you have 4 more years to decide if you're going to forgive him. Take your time ... Mr. Lucky 5
Author petit_souris Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Why DID you accept it? Is 'accept' the right word...? Seems to me part of you didn't. There's still some underlying resentment, almost as if you feel that, looking back, he wasn't sorry enough. What about this issue, still rankles, exactly? I had to accept the fact that it had happened... if we were to be together again. And some part of me will never be ok with that fact that it did happen, and I had to live with this. I know I had the choice to move on, but I couldn't do it. He was/is sorry, and I am sure he is honest about that. And what rankles... sometimes I miss being able to trust easier, I miss that innocence. And... our love life was a bit affected by that too. 1
Author petit_souris Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 "I haven't changed my mind about being with him... I care about him. But sometimes I feel like... at that moment I couldn't choose differently, because I was too scared to lose him. And that makes me ... bitter, about it all? Maybe bitter is overstating it, just more like sad that it happened." petit_souris You can, and it looks like you have, forgive, but you will never forget. The fact that it happened 7 years ago, is meaningless, you will always be angry about the affair to some extent, and sometimes wonder if you did the right thing by reconciling. I think this is normal, and I think this happens to every BS. What you need to ask yourself is how is the marriage now? Is your husband a good and loving partner? If the affair had not happened would you be happy in the marriage? If so, I hope you can work with your husband to talk it out. Maybe you have not gotten all the information you needed from him, or after passing of years you need to ask more questions. If you are unhappy, there maybe other issues, you need to look at. Cheating colors everything, and some times you need to step back and look at what is going on. 363840 At the present moment: he is good, he is loving, we trust eachother to a certain extent; we sometimes fight but don't insult eachother, and we make our decisions together etc I don't know how things would have turned out without the affair, maybe we wouldn't even be together now...or maybe we'd had already had some kids. I feel guilty aout this, but sometimes I feel... I should have moved on and tried to find someone who wouldn't do it, even after 7, 8 or 9 or 20 years.... but that's just an ideal, no? People say most men cheat anyway. Maybe it's just something people like me say to have some consolation, I don't know 2
Author petit_souris Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 The key question is: "How do you feel about your life now?" Now is the only place you're ever going to be. Yes, I know now is the only place I have, but somehow I often try to escape the 'now' because I am not content with my life as it is, but I have no idea what it should look like to allow me some peace of mind. But I can't blame that on his affair, surely. It's me, in the end. 1
Author petit_souris Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Look at it this way - he took 9 years to decide he was going to be unfaithful. Based on my math, you have 4 more years to decide if you're going to forgive him. Take your time ... Mr. Lucky I wish life could be more like math. I have been asking myself if I am still angry with him, but I think the anger is gone. I'd like to speak about this with him, instead of writing it here but... if I bring it up, he seems overwhelmed with guilt and he shuts off. And... I feel it will drive him away from me, and that can re-create the conditions for that to happen again, no? 2
Lion Heart Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 ...or maybe we'd had already had some kids. I feel guilty about this, but sometimes I feel... I should have moved on and tried to find someone who wouldn't do it, even after 7, 8 or 9.... Ok did I catch something here ^^^^? What's going on there? I'm DEFINITELY NOT GONNA drill you about not having children with your WH. Come on, we're all friends here. Can you extrapolate on the quote above? From your other posts, I gleaned 2 things as well as this ^^^^. 1) you do not / have not brought up the A when you've needed to for fear of 2) you appearing like a nag and driving him away again. I'm concerned at the onset of your R, that your WH openly or inadvertently blamed your behaviours for his A ie used blame-shifting as a technique for NOT taking 100% responsibility for it. Like saying or implying that your "nagging" brought about his A. Has this happened? Lion Heart. 3
Popsicle Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 The key question is: "How do you feel about your life now?" Now is the only place you're ever going to be. This is the most important thing. It is key. It is a common occurrence that when you are unhappy with the now then the past will continue to come up. I'd recommend working on improving the now. 2
Satu Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Yes, I know now is the only place I have, but somehow I often try to escape the 'now' because *I am not content with my life as it is, but I have no idea what it should look like to allow me some peace of mind. But I can't blame that on his affair, surely. It's me, in the end. *Time to make some changes, then. Start by changing some small things first. 1
Popsicle Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I wish life could be more like math. I have been asking myself if I am still angry with him, but I think the anger is gone. I'd like to speak about this with him, instead of writing it here but... if I bring it up, he seems overwhelmed with guilt and he shuts off. And... I feel it will drive him away from me, and that can re-create the conditions for that to happen again, no? Yes, you are wise. I think that you should consider maybe talking to a therapist. It would help, I think. Is that something you can do? 3
Satu Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Bear in mind that your pain is your pain, and his pain is his pain. They are very different. What you need, and what he needs, are different. I agree with Popsicle, that you should consider therapy. First for both of you, in individual therapy, followed up with couples therapy. There is a way forward, you just need to find your starting point. 3
Popsicle Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Bear in mind that your pain is your pain, and his pain is his pain. They are very different. What you need, and what he needs, are different. Very true. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I'd like to speak about this with him, instead of writing it here but... if I bring it up, he seems overwhelmed with guilt and he shuts off. And... I feel it will drive him away from me, and that can re-create the conditions for that to happen again, no? If you buy into that dynamic it pretty much rules out any chance of recovery and guarantees you'll be...here, posting about your anger and resentment. "Too painful to talk about" can also be a calculated strategy by a WS to deflect blame and rug sweep any painful truths. What he's done has damaged your marriage and hurt you, a reality he needs to recognize and own. And in doing so, he allows you to move forward from injured party to engaged spouse. Right now, you're stuck in place. And that begs the simple question "is this place where you want to be"? Sounds like no... Mr. Lucky 1
Author petit_souris Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Ok did I catch something here ^^^^? What's going on there? I'm DEFINITELY NOT GONNA drill you about not having children with your WH. Come on, we're all friends here. Can you extrapolate on the quote above? From your other posts, I gleaned 2 things as well as this ^^^^. 1) you do not / have not brought up the A when you've needed to for fear of 2) you appearing like a nag and driving him away again. I'm concerned at the onset of your R, that your WH openly or inadvertently blamed your behaviours for his A ie used blame-shifting as a technique for NOT taking 100% responsibility for it. Like saying or implying that your "nagging" brought about his A. Has this happened? Lion Heart. The children part ... is complicated. After we got back together, it took a while to feel safe again and I didn't want to have a child when things between us were still uncertain. Lately we started 'trying' but nothing happened. Maybe it's too late? We did discuss the affair back then, when it happened, and I did nag him about it (couldn't help it), but maybe I didn't know how to address the essential. As to his motive... he said he didn't feel appreciated by me anylonger, before it happened. I know I have my part of 'guilt' in it.
Author petit_souris Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Yes, you are wise. I think that you should consider maybe talking to a therapist. It would help, I think. Is that something you can do? Actually....I did one year of therapy after it happened (I was a bit of a mess). At first I loved it, felt like I was making a lot of progress and learn stuff about myself, but towards the end I just... started to feel it's all pointless. Last year I went back to therapy for a while, but I just couldn't do what the therapist asked of me and quit it.
Author petit_souris Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Bear in mind that your pain is your pain, and his pain is his pain. They are very different. What you need, and what he needs, are different. I agree with Popsicle, that you should consider therapy. First for both of you, in individual therapy, followed up with couples therapy. There is a way forward, you just need to find your starting point. Yes... he is doing some therapy now and he seems to like it. I sort of lost my patience with therapy; it helped, but at the end... I was still myself, which I can never escape. And that kind of made me feel even more disappointed. Maybe I'm just going through a rougher time, hence the pessimism.
Satu Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Yes... he is doing some therapy now and he seems to like it. I sort of lost my patience with therapy; it helped, but at the end... I was still myself, which I can never escape. And that kind of made me feel even more disappointed. Maybe I'm just going through a rougher time, hence the pessimism. I might be wrong, but my intuition is telling me that on some level you are blaming yourself for what he did. Are you?
Author petit_souris Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 I might be wrong, but my intuition is telling me that on some level you are blaming yourself for what he did. Are you? Look... on some level, maybe. But I know it was his choice to deal with things he didn't like, in that particular way. We always have choices, but some are easier to make, I guess. And... I'm not the easiest person to be with, I'm fully aware of that. I am sure he loves me, even if some might argue that if you love someone you wouldn't cheat on them. I just... feel his warmth and regret. Maybe it's my pride that can't recover from that? Before all this happened I was of the opinion that "I would never forgive or take back a cheater; if you cheat, it means you simply don't love that person".... but events made me change, or at least try to change, that absolutistic point of view on things. We all tell ourselves a story, in the end, no?
No Limit Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 It isn't rare for a betrayed spouse to fall out of love. Especially when the wayward one doesn't give as much effort as he or she could. 1
Popsicle Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Actually....I did one year of therapy after it happened (I was a bit of a mess). At first I loved it, felt like I was making a lot of progress and learn stuff about myself, but towards the end I just... started to feel it's all pointless. Last year I went back to therapy for a while, but I just couldn't do what the therapist asked of me and quit it. I understand. I found therapy to be pointless too when I went before divorce. I just know it's good to talk to someone (not your spouse) who doesn't have an agenda and is knowledgeable enough to help you work through things. 1
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