emma0812 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 me and my partner have been together 3 years living together for 2 and engaged for 1. i love him more than anything but he has a short temper and punches things. i dont like being around this ells all the time. i know i feel on egg shells i know he would never hurt me. i pick up overtime at work just so i dont have to be at home. its only in the last 9 months his angers got worse, and he is suffering with a little depression we are seeking help for this. but to top it off i cant get him visit my family. i do eveything for him he wont visit my parents who have done loads for us, given us money brought us items for the house etc. he sees his own family once a week. and grandparents hes seen twice since we have been together. family means everything to me. he has refused togo out on boxing day with my family. he moaned tat i wanted to see myh family christmas day night yet i cooked dinner for all of his family. the reason i have sought this online forum is because about an hour ago i asked him come my families tonight hes not seen them since boxing day. and he refused i got annoyed and he stormed off. i was in the middle of cooking tea that he had begged me to cook because he was hungry, when i finished i took it up to his computer room where he had gone to slam the door and he refused to food i had just made bringing it downstairs and slamming it on the table. i know this isnt a massive deal but it really annoyed me as i slaved away for an hour over the meal. i dont know what to do. my head and heart tell me to do different things. i love him so much. Help
salparadise Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Well, I'd say you need to decide if this is the way you want your life to be from now on. You can't control who he is or how he behaves. You can only choose to be with him or not. 3
Quiet Storm Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 What do you love about him? It's important to realize that many people in unhealthy relationships feel that they love the other person, but in reality they love the idea of that person. They love being in a relationship. They love having a companion. They love the intensity of the feelings. But when you dig deeper and actually look at who he is as a person... what qualities make him a good candidate for a relationship with you? This is what you've said about him: 1) he has a bad temper 2) he punches things 3) you avoid him 4) he doesn't care about what's important to you 5) he avoids your family (IMO because he knows he's not good for you) 6) he's unappreciative 7) he's vindictive 8) he's inconsiderate When we are in a healthy relationship, the other person benefits our life in positive ways. It doesn't sound like he is benefitting your life in a positive way. I think this guy is unworthy of your love. I think he is emotionally immature and doesn't have the qualities that are necessary for a healthy relationship. Sometimes we have to accept that even though we love people, they just aren't good for us. When that happens, we are only hurting ourselves by being in a relationship with them. Love is awesome when it's shared by two emotionally healthy people and is reciprocated. When it's not, it becomes detrimental to our own well being. That is what is happening here. You have lots of love to give, but he is incapable or unwilling to be the kind of partner you need to be happy. You end up giving, giving, giving and he acts like a two year old and refuses to eat the dinner you cooked. Or punches things. Remember - we can even teach two year olds to control their emotions and refrain from throwing tantrums. There is so much analyzing that people do, wondering how you can make things better. The truth is that it doesn't matter why he's like this. Maybe he grew up in an abusive household. Maybe he is depressed or mentally ill. Maybe he has low self esteem and this behavior gives him an ego boost. Maybe he is just incapable of regulating his emotions. None of that really matters, though. What matters is that he is not good for you, regardless of what his issues are. It's not a good idea to marry this guy... you are setting yourself up for a miserable life. Your head & your heart want different things, which is a very common feeling in unhealthy relationships. You have to think of it like this... your heart is yourself as a child- trusting, emotional, seeking love, believing, hopeful. Your brain is you as an adult- smart, self protective, realistic, rational, logical. That smart part of you must protect the emotional part of you that trusts & loves blindly, in spite of being treated poorly. I think you logically know that this relationship is not working for you, and that you deserve better. You are just still in that hopeful phase where you want love to conquer all. 3
eye of the storm Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Read Quiet Storm's post several times. Ill just add that his behavior will not get better. It will only get worse. You cannot "fix" another person. And your love will not help him. He is only going to drag you down with him until you start to avoid your family so you don't have to fight with him. You start losing who you are. You life becomes avoiding anything that will set him off. But it won't work because he will find new reasons to blow up. 1
HereTodayGoneTomorow Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Your boyfriend doesn't respect you. There is no love without respect. And if he is behaving this way now..what will he be like years down the line? You must put your foot down and let him know you won't tolerate his abusive behaviour or you're out the door. 1
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