johnjohnsmith199 Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 the story so far - she moved out about 5 months ago on a pretext on going to do work on her rental property. After 3 1/2 months of me asking her "is everything ok with us " she would tell me Yes and I only moved out to do work on the property. After 3 and 1/2 months I had enough and told her that if she did not come home that we were through and I wanted a seperation. she replied that I want to see a counsellor before she move back to sort out some problems. No worries and we went to the counsoller where she told him that the reason she moved out was that we were having problems. I was shocked as I had asked this for 3 1/2 months always being told no sweetie I love you and will be back soon , we are fine. I felt betrayed , angry and hurt why she had waited so long to tell me that we were having problems. 1 week after the counsellor I turned up at her house after trying to call at 11PM with no answer after shes just called me to say shes at home. I arrive at 11:30 PM to find her on the phone and she lies to me saying its a fiend of hers who cant get her kids to sleep so she calls my wife. I replied "bull****" and told her that she was lying and she had never tried to get kids to sleep as the last thing you want to do is be on the phone with your friend. She told me to get out if I didnt believe her and when I refused until she told me who it was she was on the phone too she called the police who had me removed from her house. She told me the next day that she wanted a seperation as I had been verbally abusive towards her the night previously. Before she moved out we would fight about her getting drunk on Fridays after she had promised not too, she has been touched up but was too drunk to notice, which used to make me worry about what she was up to as sometimes she would not be contactable for a few hours while she was drinking. She has promised in the past that she would not come home drunk time and time and time before and I would get upset and ingnore her for a few days when she did. she said that this is the reason that she left as she could not deal with being ingnored time and time again but this did not stop her getting drunk. Just before she moved out she came home drunk (Again) and when I confronted her about it she told me " to get used to it" I tried but couldnt get used to her getting drunk every Friday and comming home at 11:30 PM and so drunk that she couldnt keep her eyes open and couldnt hardly stand up straight. I tried to reason with her that if she coulnd stand he being upset with her drinking why she would continue to get drunk after promising not to. she doesnt think she has a drinking problem and that I sould see a counsellor as I worry about her too much. I have spoken to my sister who called her to see what was going on after I explianed that it was over between me and her but could not except that it was all my fault, but she was not prepared to give me a second chance as she didnt beleive I could change to her needs. My sister told me that she doesnt want to be married anymore and that she will come up with any reason/excuse to tell me and herself because of guilt and not wanting to hurt me. I love her so much and cant let her go, I think of her constantly and the reasons why she left. What can I do? , what should I do ?
Merin Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Well it seems all the warning signs that the relationship (marriage) was in trouble were there but often times people will go into denial because accepting means change.. At this time you're feeling very angry and thats normal.. everyone goes through different stages at different times.. it may be a good idea for you to seek one on one counseling to help you work throu your feelings of resentment at the choices your wife had made.. continuing on with this kind of anger will only serve to eat you up and push her further away... I really do believe that sometimes you have to take a big step back from the person you Love in order to gain any clarity in whats happening.. although you cannot detach yourself entirely you also don't need to remain so close to the flame so to speak... You said your wife asked for a seperation.. but the 2 of you are still in counseling right? So at this point I wouldn't say all is lost... but I would say that you need to make yourself okay as an individual (seperate counseling perhaps as well as joint) in order to give anything to the relationship you're trying to save. Last thing.. while it's nice that your sister wants to help you out.. she isn't in the marriage with your wife and the only person who can honestly say whats going on in your wife's mind, is your wife. Hang in there
ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Ouch. That's a tough situation. She does have a drinking problem if she comes home and can barely walk, but the issue is you can't tell her she has one. She has to figure it out on her own. Until she realizes what she is doing wrong and understands she has a problem, she isn't going to be able to fix anything.
Author johnjohnsmith199 Posted April 21, 2005 Author Posted April 21, 2005 Thanks Merin but the counselling is over and now she says that she doesnt want to even try anymore. The real thing that makes me upset was the fact that she cant come out and say " I dont want to be married anymore" or " I enjoy my drinking more than our marriage" She has to balme everything on me and I cant ecept that . She doesnt tell me want shes thinking only telling me what I want to hear.
Merin Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by johnjohnsmith199 Thanks Merin but the counselling is over and now she says that she doesnt want to even try anymore. The real thing that makes me upset was the fact that she cant come out and say " I dont want to be married anymore" or " I enjoy my drinking more than our marriage" She has to balme everything on me and I cant ecept that . She doesnt tell me want shes thinking only telling me what I want to hear. Well John.. I'm sorry.. Blame is a funny thing when it's a matter of the heart.. At this point, if she has made up her mind that divorce is what she wants and she doesn't want to try any longer than as much as you may want to hear those words.. one you're more than likely not going to because no one likes to feel responsible when things go to sh*t, and two.. perhaps it's time that YOU decide you don't need or want this toxic crap in your life anymore and end it on your terms....
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