Should you feel sorry for cheaters and the people they cheat with

[toolforgrowth]

I don't view it as a question of "should" or "shouldn't". We're all entitled to our opinions, and some people may feel differently than you do.

 

Personally, I didn't feel sorry for my xWW at all. I was simply angry with her. But now, I do feel a little pity entering the equation. I don't think she's one of those people who really learned much from her A (other than to not piss me off), and I think she's going to repeat her bad decisions. She doesn't have the capability to truly connect with another person. And I pity her for that, because her life must be so empty.

 

I couldn't live like that.

 

They'll make of their lives whatever they choose to, regardless of what we think. Some of them can overcome, and some can't. I think the number who can't is far greater than those who can, but that's just my opinion.

[Shepp]

Nope.

 

 

 

 

Don't have much to add to that really.

I judge by actions. Cheatings an action. Only you are responsible for your actions. There is never any noble redeaming feature for cheating. I have no sympathy for cheaters. There actions would call there character into question in my mind.

[GorillaTheater]

I'll reserve my sympathy for those who have cheated, recognize that they f*cked up royally, and commit themselves to the work required to repair relationships and regain their integrity.

[cocorico]

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I'm asking that if a person who risks the health of his or spouse or the person that aids in destroying a family isn't bad, then who is? I never called anybody bad, I asked a question. I would seriously like to know what constitutes a bad person if th above actions don't fit in the category of bad.

 

Murder is bad. Rape is bad. Assault is bad. Child abuse is bad. Child neglect is bad. Bullying is bad. Domestic violence is bad. Tax evasion is bad. Tax avoidance is bad. Pollution is bad. Putting too much salt and processed sugar into processed foods is bad. Fast food is bad. Genocide is bad. Lying under oath is bad. Racism is bad. Homophobia is bad. Colonialism is bad. War is bad. Invading other countries is bad. Slavery is bad.

 

Right, your question has been answered - happy now?

[Quiet Storm]

I feel like we are all responsible for our choices and must face the consequences that result. But I do believe many people are messed up emotionally because of bad parenting, sexual abuse, physical or mental abuse, trauma, childhood neglect, dysfunctional families, etc. I don't say that to make excuses for people, but I do think we are often products of our environment. Those problems often result in selfish behavior and the ability to detach from negative emotions easily (blocking out guilt and shame). The people that overcome these issues without professional help are usually the exception and are usually very introspective and self aware people, or they have strong positive role models in their life. In my life, I have found this to be true- Hurt people, hurt people.

[truncated]

Murder is bad. Rape is bad. Assault is bad. Child abuse is bad. Child neglect is bad. Bullying is bad. Domestic violence is bad. Tax evasion is bad. Tax avoidance is bad. Pollution is bad. Putting too much salt and processed sugar into processed foods is bad. Fast food is bad. Genocide is bad. Lying under oath is bad. Racism is bad. Homophobia is bad. Colonialism is bad. War is bad. Invading other countries is bad. Slavery is bad.

 

Right, your question has been answered - happy now?

 

 

What do all these have in common? They involve hurting someone else, dishonesty, avoidance of responsibility, etc. and cheating certainly does as well.

 

ergo, cheating is bad.

[kjohn]

Actually I disagree. To me, cheating is very black and white. We create shades of grey to help assuage our guilt and justify our behavior.

 

I agree with this 100%

[jbrent890]

What do all these have in common? They involve hurting someone else, dishonesty, avoidance of responsibility, etc. and cheating certainly does as well.

 

ergo, cheating is bad.

 

Beat me to the punch haha.

[Phoe]

I never felt sorry for the men who cheated on me.

 

In the past, I had been even more angry with the women, than with the men who'd cheated. I blamed them. Easier to be angry at a strange woman who had sex with my boyfriend, than to be angry at a man I had cared for so much.

 

Over time, my anger towards those men did grow, and then eventually subsided into.... Disdain, perhaps?

 

But with time, the anger at the women eventually subsided into feeling sorry for them. They had been lied to as well. They did not know I was in the picture. I did speak with one and I know she felt very hurt and disgusted at him and herself... Still, this did not stop her from entering a relationship with him. No surprise when he left her for the ex he had been with before me.

[autumnnight]

I believe cheating is bad. I also believe neglecting your spouse, withholding physical intimacy from your spouse, being a lazy bum, having angry loud outburst at your spouse, belittling your spouse, etc etc etc are bad.

 

I may not feel sorry for someone while they are cheating. I also don't feel sorry for the person who treats their spouse like a piece of furniture when it doesn't end well.

 

When someone's spouse cheats and leaves them I feel sorry for them. When someone's spouse leaves them because they neglected, withheld from, and took for granted the leaving spouse...my general thought is, "what did you expect?"

 

Other than that I agree with whoever posted reserving sympathy for the BS and the WS who is truly remorseful.

[gettingstronger]

I have to say I learn a lot from both the OW and infidelity boards. There are posters on both I feel a kinship with. I don't think its sympathy but more of an understanding that few touched by infidelity come out unscathed. I like watching people grow, change and heal because that's what I'm doing. I don't look for sympathy, I look for insight and understanding.

[SpiralOut]

I feel sorry for cheaters because they are obviously unhappy. I have never been cheated on, so that's why I don't feel any anger. Had I been cheated on I would probably have a totally different answer to this question.

 

 

Anyway, I'll never forget the "friend" I once had who cheated on her boyfriend with a married man. She was deeply unhappy, and the man was obviously using her. She truly believed he would leave his wife for her. He and his wife did divorce, but he moved away and dated a completely different woman. I saw what it all did to her.... the guilt, the self-loathing, the denial denial denial. I don't think she ever did admit to doing anything wrong. She blamed it all on the wife. Then, her boyfriend found out and they broke up, right after buying a house together. She was couch-surfing for a while. I think she slept in her car a few nights. She was a nervous wreck, lost weight. Then, became desperate for a new boyfriend so he could move in with her and help pay for the house. She dated two men, both used her. They refused to date her because they didn't trust her to not cheat on them too. She got genital warts from one of them.

 

 

Anyway, moral of the story is that sometimes cheaters get what they deserve. Hopefully that will help you to feel sorry for them.

[cocorico]

What do all these have in common? They involve hurting someone else, dishonesty, avoidance of responsibility, etc. and cheating certainly does as well.

 

ergo, cheating is bad.

 

That is not ncredibly faulty logic!

 

By the same logic you could say: what do all these have in common? They're actions done consciously by people! Just like playing tennis, giving to charity, volunteering at the food bank, working at the petrol station, buying groceries or walking down the road.

 

Ergo, all of those things I listed must be bad.

 

Logic doesn't work that way. Bitumen is black and squid ink is black. What do bitumen and squid ink have in common? They're wet! Therefore water, which is also wet, must be black!

 

Ergo, water is black!

 

Sorry, that's a first year fail. Nice try, but you'll have to repeat the class.

[Phoenician]

Actually I disagree. To me, cheating is very black and white. We create shades of grey to help assuage our guilt and justify our behavior.

 

try to live with a selfish BPD , sexually deprived for 17 years and then tell me about it ;

Why I stay , because my kids won't survive without me .

I haven't cheated though attempted once ; but to tell you the truth What stopped me was my fear that my kids know , don't care if wife knows anymore.

 

when I have the opportunity , I will come and tell her ,this way it is not cheating !

[cocorico]

Where in my post did I say we should burn people to the stake?

 

Where did I say you did?

 

My point is this, would you feel sympathy for the man who beats his wife? Would you feel sympathy for the teen bullying your child? I don't thin you would.

 

Interesting assumptions, but off the mark. One of my kids was bullied at school, and I did feel "sympathy" for the bully, as I knew his background. I brought it to the teacher's attention, and we worked through it as a school community. My kid is fine. And, on the wife-beating - no, I'm not "sympathetic" to domestic violence. But I did volunteer crisis counselling (for an organisation like the Samaritans) and I did have to counsel people who abused their partners (as well as partners who'd been abused). As a counsellor I was able to treat the caller with respect, empathy and genuineness, as we were trained to do, and I certainly gained insight into what leads people (men and women) to abuse their partners. I certainly never told them they were bad; I focused on the issue they were presenting with and helped them to consider better ways of dealing with the triggers that provoked abusive behaviour in them... which I still believe is more constructive than telling them they were going to hell (or to jail).

 

At the end of the day cheating is abuse. I have read stories of pregnant women losing their children because of an STD their husband brought home. I read about man that tried to off himself when he found out the child he raised for 10 years wasn't his.

 

There will always be extreme outliers. The outliers do not describe the reality of the bulk of cases - even if tabloids and Ricky Lake would like you to think so. Most infidelity is not characterised by STI transmission, because most APs are not walking bags of sepsis but are normal, sexually moderate mature and responsible humans who get caught up, one time, in a "forbidden" relationship with a partner who happens to have a commitment elsewhere. Most APs practice safer sex during their R. Most APs are very conscious of the risks and seek to minimise those, for their own protection and the protection of their loved ones.

 

Are all As without risk? No. No Rs are. Ms are not without risk - your partner may be asymptomatic but be infected with a STI from a previous R about which you know nothing. They may have a second, secret identity with huge gambling debts or Mafia links, about which you know nothing. They may harbour dark, deep fantasies of a kind you'd consider perverse in the extreme, about which you know nothing. Life involves risk. As are no different from other Rs in that respect.

 

This is not an exaggeration, I have been on this site for months and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen an OM/W say that they were sorry for the pain they caused the BS on anyone who may have been involved. Most times it is just vitriol or my personal favorite my APs marriage is none of my business.

 

Their M was "my business" only insofar as, had it been any less toxic, he would have been as impervious to my come-on as he'd been to all others previously. So yes, a small part of me is rather grateful to her for being so ghastly, as without that I wouldn't have gotten a look-in.

[Got it]

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I'm asking that if a person who risks the health of his or spouse or the person that aids in destroying a family isn't bad, then who is? I never called anybody bad, I asked a question. I would seriously like to know what constitutes a bad person if th above actions don't fit in the category of bad.

 

Then what is your concern with this topic? Why are you looking for someone to argue with you to change your opinion on this/to feel sympathy?

 

What I consider "bad" may differ from you and vice versa. Why does it matter? I don't have a need to label people that you seem to. I am not looking to define whether people are bad people or not. I don't see the use of sweeping generalizations but we just may differ.

[Got it]

Why should we tell you what you should or should not feel? Isn't that the crux of your posts? That whether or not you should or not feel something. And seeing someone can sway your opinion.

 

What is the point to that? You shouldn't feel anything you don't feel. If you don't feel sorry for cheaters than don't feel sorry. There is no prerequisite for it.

 

So again, what is the point? Is it get dissenting opinion? To get assenting opinions? To be told you are right? To be told you are wrong? Are you not confident in your own opinion?

[truncated]

That is not ncredibly faulty logic!

 

By the same logic you could say: what do all these have in common? They're actions done consciously by people! Just like playing tennis, giving to charity, volunteering at the food bank, working at the petrol station, buying groceries or walking down the road.

 

Ergo, all of those things I listed must be bad.

 

Logic doesn't work that way. Bitumen is black and squid ink is black. What do bitumen and squid ink have in common? They're wet! Therefore water, which is also wet, must be black!

 

Ergo, water is black!

 

Sorry, that's a first year fail. Nice try, but you'll have to repeat the class.

 

 

I don't ( and most others) need to take a course to learn about compassion and how to treat others kindly. Seems that doesn;t apply to everyone

[truncated]

try to live with a selfish BPD , sexually deprived for 17 years and then tell me about it ;

Why I stay , because my kids won't survive without me .

I haven't cheated though attempted once ; but to tell you the truth What stopped me was my fear that my kids know , don't care if wife knows anymore.

 

when I have the opportunity , I will come and tell her ,this way it is not cheating !

 

 

I mean this really kindly, but by staying in your marriage, you are doing more damage to your kids than you would by leaving. If your wife is a horrid as you say, then gets your ducks in a row and then divorce with your head held high, knowing you did your best but never lowered yourself to cheating.

[Wondering33]

I don't think people come here for sympathy, I think they come for advice from others that have been there before them. Empathy & sympathy are two different things.

 

Cheating isn't the right thing but to generalize every relationship & every person that's ever cheated isn't logical. There are how many billions of people in the world & about 60 million married couples in the U.S. alone & going by a (very) rough statistic of 40% of marriages face infidelity that's about 24 million & out of all those people, you think the only reason they cheated is because they all have ego issues? That's a lot of people to generalize & think all their stories to be black & white.

 

Everyone has a story & past by the time they become an adult, some people have had things happen to them that they consider a lot worse than being cheated on, some people have seen people do a lot worse then cheating on their partner & some people think it's the worst thing ever & commit murder & sucide over it. Some people cheat bc they have ego issues, some cheat bc they're done with the relationship & that's their way out, some bc their S hasn't had sex with them in years, some bc they have been abused & don't have the strength to leave, some bc they were cheated on first. & on & on & on.

 

My point,is there are millions of people & millions of different reasons they do this. Some feel cheating was validated, some don't. I don't believe in every case the person that cheated is a "bad" person to the core just like I don't think every BS all of a sudden became a saint bc they were cheated on. It's all personal perspective & no opinion is right or wrong.

[whichwayisup]

I have been wrestling with myself on creating this thread. I feel that I'm going to get a ton of flack for it, but I think it will develop into a good debate. The title says it all. When I read the stories on here I try my hardest to feel sorry for the remourseful cheaters and OW/OM, but in the end I cant. At the end of the day, I feel that they brought everything on themselves. I understand that some people are lied to, but you are still getting involved with someone that is married. It really does make me wonder if it is an ego thing. To know that you can offer something the BS can't. My sympathy goes towards the people that did not ask for what happened to them. The individuals that still live unknowingly with people that would hurt them that like. I hate comparing BSs to OW/M, but the major difference is that the BS had no choice in the matter. Again, I'm interested to hear thoughts on this? To be honest, I'm hoping there is someone that can help me garner some type of sympathy for these people, but I think that is like waiting for a train that doesn't come.

 

By their choice or not, just showing compassion for someone's plight sometimes is good enough. I don't think an OW/OM or WS is asking for people to feel sorry for them.

 

I will however feel more for an OW/OM who was led to believe that the WS was totally separated/divorced...even some WS go so far as to lie about their marital status from day one. That's just shi.tty.