Lovelygirl215 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 My ex boyfriend and I broke up and he moved on really quickly and now has a baby on the way, it's killing me. He was my first boyfriend, the only boyfriend I've ever had and I'm still stuck on him. It has gotten really bad for me, I stressed myself to the point where I am now having anxiety attacks. He is now very disrespectful towards me and every time I try to reach out to him he either laughs at me or ignores me. I never did anything to hurt him, I was always there for him. I even got pregnant by him and ended up miscarrying. He left me all alone, he wasn't there for me at all. When we were together I did everything for him. However his attention was always elsewhere. Now I'm really depressed and dealing with anxiety, I don't feel like myself anymore. Him having a baby with someone else is really hurting me. I can't talk to anyone about it because nobody understands why I'm still stuck on him. I just don't know how to move on or what to do.
ravfour4 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Hey there! Welcome to LS! I've been through two major break-ups (still recovering from the second) and can give you a few lessons I learned from the first one. First off, your first love is rarely the "one". From what you say, it sounds like you put more into the relationship than he did and he ditched you when he needed you most, that's not how you want your future husband to be, that's a trait of a loser you no longer want in your life (hence why your friends probably think it should be easy for you to move on - they know you'll find someone better). Try not to think too much about the choices he's making and/or why he's doing what he's doing, he's not thinking clearly and he's not the compassionate person you want to spend the rest of your life with - that's for sure. Let that fool go. Focus on yourself - work out, eat tasty (but healthy) food, spend time with friends, force yourself to go out even if you feel miserable. It will get better. I felt devastated after I lost my first love, I thought I'd never find love again and that I couldn't live without her (we broke up when I was 21). Then I met my second love about a year later, she was amazing and better in every single way - until she turned into the devil Now I'm 26 and hoping the 3rd times a charm
SLee Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 First loves are hard. I'm still dealing with mine myself. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. Here's some advice I can give from what I've learned. First loves are often really absorbing, meaning a lot of people fall head over heals really fast and place a lot of value and identity on the relationship, at least I did. But at this point, you're only learning about yourself and what you desire in a partner. Part of the reason first loves often don't work out. My ex and I were both each other's first loves. Neither of us took the time to grow and develop as individuals and as soon as he wasn't feeling the honeymoon-love 100%, he bailed. It's also difficult to see yourself with another person when you've never been with anyone else. I'm going through it too, so I get how you feel. Before my ex I had a few crushes that never came to anything and a couple high school dates that fell through. Never meeting someone I really wanted to be with before him, makes it hard for me to believe there's ANYONE else out there. But, you have to remember that thought pattern is just rejection pain, and it does get easier with time. DON'T try to reach out to him anymore. Seriously, don't. Not only is he undedicated jerk, but he's still going on treating you like crap. Don't let him. You don't deserve it and you DEFINITELY don't want someone who behaves so juvenilely. It's only going to hurt you more if you reach out. Don't get updates about him and his new gf or anything. Block him on social media, and everything. Remove him from your life. I've talked to my friends and family a LOT about my break up (probably too much, I'm probably driving them nuts.) and it's helped me immensely. If your friends really care, they'll listen, and even though they may not understand, they'll at least hear you out. Sometimes they'll dole out a fresh dose of tough love that may be hard to hear, but it's necessary, at least for me. When I tell friends and even acquaintances about these things, they ask me "what's with that guy? why is he such a loser/jerk/other insults? Why are you STILL hung up on this?" and even though I initially wanted to tell them "No, you don't understand, he's actually really great and blah blah blah", you get the picture. But once I started actually taking in the things they said, I began to realize that they were RIGHT. They see it objectively (even though they're in my corner) and have some very excellent observations that I am/was blind to in the storm of it. So work on tearing down this false image of him. After you lose someone you love(d) like this, it's really easy to create this false version of them in your head that they were perfect, the only one for you, etc. But exes are humans, and not all of them are bad people, but they are NEVER perfect people, because no one is. Here's something that helps me: make a list of things you didn't like about the ex. You mentioned a few already; his lack of dedication and effort, his treating you poorly now, and stuff. Add to it, get those close to you to participate. Every stupid thing he said, every argument he handled poorly, bad haircuts, how his feet smelled. Honestly, anything and everything you can think of. Look at it and add to it when you're sad. It helped me immensely tear down a false idol I built of him, and made me realize what an emotionally immature idiot he was half the time. Your feelings are normal and natural, so let yourself feel them and don't bottle them up. Write them down. Post on LS. Get them out however you can. Also, take care of your mental and physical health. I lost 20 pounds (and I'm short and small framed to begin with) due to not eating and drinking properly after my break up because I just couldn't eat. I've only now began to start eating properly. If you have access to mental health care, use it. It can help immensely. Finally, I'm guessing your fairly young because it was your first love (I'm in my early 20s). Now, I'm usually hesitant to say this because it's the advice my ex told me that had me rolling my eyes at him right after the heartbreak, but there are other people out there who won't treat you like crap. When you're ready to or whenever you can muster the energy, try to meet people, not even as romantic partners if you don't want. Being out where people are in general helps you see that there is more to the world than the ex. I'm not a social person, so it's hard for me, so I literally have to force myself, BUT it helps. Join a local club, or community class. Pick up a hobby you like. Help other people with their projects or hobbies. (I'm really involved in my friend's wedding coming up, for example.) Get closer to friends by opening up. Do something you've always wanted to do. Pick up a new project. Dive into a new book. Whatever floats your boat. Honestly, focussing on something that isn't the ex and forcing yourself to put your time and energy into something else will help. I do a lot of theatre for example, so working on a play (I work on a new one every couple months at school or in my city) is a win-win because it's a very time consuming, often energy consuming (in a good way) activity, and it's a social activity. For me personally, a hobby that consumes a lot of time and physical energy that is also social (theatre, sports, athletic leagues/clubs, etc.) are the best that way. By the time I get home from a 6 hour rehearsal, I'm too tired to even think about the ex and just wanna watch TV and go to sleep. Your first love will always hold a special place in your heart, but remember that it's not your only love. You're a strong, dedicated individual who has so much love to give. Keep that in mind, and think about it in moments of weakness. Other posters have posted this website, and it's great. I've read it multiple times and often read it again when I feel really low: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com 1
Author Lovelygirl215 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 Thank you guys so much, I'm new to this so I don't really know how to reply directly, but I just want to say I love the advice both of you gave me and I am willing to take these steps to get this negativity out of my life. Thank you so much 1
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