I got arrested when I was younger..When do I disclose that to a guy I'm dating?

May 5, 2015

When I was 21, I was seriously dating a very bad guy...very long story short I don't want to put on the internet.. I spent a night in jail, with a broken bone (courtesy of said boyfriend), and swelling, and it was hands down the worst night of my life. Upon later review, my charges were dismissed. But I live in a state that once that's in the computer..It will be there forever. Were they dropped? Yes. And It says "dismissed". But that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I live in a state that makes that VERY EASILY ACCESSIBLE PUBLIC INFORMATION. Example? Since I know how to do it, I screen guys before dates.

I live in a constant state of anxiety over this. Terrified. I know most people DON'T KNOW that information is readily available, but one guy I went on a date with (granted, he was like me and had gone to law school) plugged me in even before our first date. Once he heard the story, he was like, "I really don't think it's a big deal. At all." But that doesn't mean that a guy who doesn't have a legal background will feel the same.

I'm young, graduated with 2 bachelors degrees, got accepted to and attended law school (obviously, should be another thing showing law schools didn't see what I had done on my c&f as a huge detriment), I don't have to check the "have you ever been convicted of" TO ANYTHING on a job application, and also don't have to check "have you ever been charged with a felony" box, either. Nothing from that night precludes me from owning a machine gun, having a high level fingerprint clearance, etc etc.

BUT IT STILL worries me, and makes me feel like damaged goods. I've only told a handful of people ever that it happened. But I live in terror of any potential dating partner finding out.

Right now, I'm dating a simple, really sweet guy. It's still casual, but we've been on 13 dates (I just counted. ), and I've never told him. I don't want to feel like I'm lying to him, but I also don't want to be like, "Oh, hey, by the way, I'm a thug", either. But I'm starting to feel like NON disclosure would be worse--all it would take is one of his family members to type me in, and poof, he'd feel lied to.

Does anyone have any suggestions how to handle this? I have no criminal convictions--AT ALL--and not even a speeding ticket to my name, but the fact I got wrongly charged with 2 misdemeanors one night in my early 20's will never have "not happened". And it shames and worries me.

Edited May 5, 2015 by Redemption04

May 5, 2015

I think you need to tell him, simply because you are going to be in agonies if you don't. Just tell him you had a bad patch and almost got charged with something, but it was dismissed. Explain more if you wish, but best to let him ask questions.

I don't think this is a big thing that you should have to suffer for for ever. It is a side-effect of the IT age as such misdemeanours would have got lost in a box file in the past never to resurface again. The only reason I suggest telling him is that it will bother you until you do. For all you know, he may have something similar in his past - don't we all have things that we'd rather not publicise? - and may be relieved that you mentioned it.

May 5, 2015

You are making a big deal out of nothing. You did something stupid when you were younger, big deal. If you had done this at 41 I would be much more worry of people's reaction. Just say Hey! I've done something stupid when I was younger......

May 5, 2015

He's never done anything. I checked before our first date. I think he has 2 speeding tickets. No one in his family has ever done anything.

And I know there's so much stigma.

I dated a cop, and I knew he would find out, so I was so worried about it, I told him on our third date, bawling. I didn't want to admit to him I was damaged goods. But I knew I had to. His comment, "This will be in the back of my mind." Talk about making me hate myself even more.

May 5, 2015

What is this non sense about being damaged good??? Will you please get a grip of yourself !! MOST people do stupid stuff when they were young! You don't have a criminal record keeping you from traveling, it's been dismissed. PLEASE see the bigger picture here, you've been hit on the nose when you were 21, nothing more. If it bothers people then move to next!! Let him who is without sin cast the first stone, remember? No one is sinless.

May 5, 2015

Hm, I think you're mistaken about some things hon. First of all, criminal convictions, specifically, are public record. Arrests, charges, nights in jail aren't, unless they go along with a conviction. You weren't convicted of any crimes, so none of that is on your public record and should be essentially inaccessible to any 'regular' people. Those types of details do still exist in court records and law enforcement records, yes, but neither of those entities are at liberty to share them publicly. Sometimes court records specifically still show up if you check for them at courthouses, but the chances of anyone doing that should be really remote.

I'm curious what this website is btw, can you share it?

Otherwise, like Gaeta says, there's really no need to worry about having been arrested once and never charged or convicted. Not a big deal, and any potential BF who learned that (assuming it was possible) and was appalled by it alone would be a good candidate to sh*tcan anyway.

May 5, 2015

Hm, I think you're mistaken about some things hon. First of all, criminal convictions, specifically, are public record. Arrests, charges, nights in jail aren't, unless they go along with a conviction. You weren't convicted of any crimes, so none of that is on your public record and should be essentially inaccessible to any 'regular' people. Those types of details do still exist in court records and law enforcement records, yes, but neither of those entities are at liberty to share them publicly. Sometimes court records specifically still show up if you check for them at courthouses, but the chances of anyone doing that should be really remote.

I'm curious what this website is btw, can you share it?

Otherwise, like Gaeta says, there's really no need to worry about having been arrested once and never charged or convicted. Not a big deal, and any potential BF who learned that (assuming it was possible) and was appalled by it alone would be a good candidate to sh*tcan anyway.

I WAS charged. They were dropped later, but there was a charge (2, to be precise). THAT's how.

May 5, 2015

Um yeah....get a grip, PLEASE.

Spending one night in jail because you were dating a "bad boy" does not make you damaged goods.

Good grief, what must you think of a person who effed up and got a DUI?

May 5, 2015

I WAS charged. They were dropped later, but there was a charge (2, to be precise). THAT's how.

Charges don't matter tho, only convictions.

May 5, 2015

Hm, I think you're mistaken about some things hon. First of all, criminal convictions, specifically, are public record. Arrests, charges, nights in jail aren't, unless they go along with a conviction. You weren't convicted of any crimes, so none of that is on your public record and should be essentially inaccessible to any 'regular' people. Those types of details do still exist in court records and law enforcement records, yes, but neither of those entities are at liberty to share them publicly. Sometimes court records specifically still show up if you check for them at courthouses, but the chances of anyone doing that should be really remote.

I'm curious what this website is btw, can you share it?

Otherwise, like Gaeta says, there's really no need to worry about having been arrested once and never charged or convicted. Not a big deal, and any potential BF who learned that (assuming it was possible) and was appalled by it alone would be a good candidate to sh*tcan anyway.

Maybe she's talking about those mugshot sites?

You know... if you've even been booked for an unpaid ticket you're in it?

Even Bill Gates has one: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/670xX/photos/gatesmug.jpg

So I wouldn't worry OP.

Anyone inconsiderate enough to use that against you is definitely dumping material. A man worth keeping will be on your side about it.

May 5, 2015

On girls google-stalk their dates. Don't worry about it.

May 5, 2015

You are making a big deal out of nothing. You did something stupid when you were younger, big deal. If you had done this at 41 I would be much more worry of people's reaction. Just say Hey! I've done something stupid when I was younger......

I sooooo agree with this advice.... and besides..there is a small chance he has a skeleton or 2 in his closet too...

Keep what happened in perspective, an arrest is not a conviction.. hey.. even Britney Spears has been arrested

I wouldn't say a thing to him.. and if the perfect timing ever presents itself after you have been dating a while then tell him..

May 5, 2015

Don't disclose that until you're at the DTR point of your relationship.... Honestly getting arrested and spending a night in jail isnt a huge deal, it's not like you were convicted and went to prison.

May 5, 2015

Have the arrest record expunged.

May 5, 2015

It's not a big deal... it's not like you are a bunny-boiler

Most guys will just laugh about it. I once dated a woman who got in with the wrong crowd and had a record. She was a good girl, it was not a problem.

If you are really concerned about it, speak to a lawyer about the posibility of getting the record wiped clean, or an SEO about removing mention of it from the net - see: http://www.seo-theory.com/2008/08/07/bad-parenting-may-keep-seos-in-business-for-years/

People love to worry about things that will never be a problem.

Edited May 5, 2015 by Gary S

May 5, 2015

I would get this out there sooner rather than later. I think the fact that you are ashamed of it, and have never done anything like it since tells me that you're a good person who was just in a bad situation. As an aside, you are not damaged goods, so get that phrase out of your head! The women I tend to perceive as "damaged goods" are the ones with physiological issues from being raped, daddy walking out, etc. Things that will later effect our relationship, that I can never fix or change, but that will be a constant recurring issue.

In your case, you were involved in a regrettable situation, but it is what it is. This might not make you feel any better, but I also do pretty thorough searching on most of the women I date (including criminal records). I mention this because I think I would be way more upset if I was going out with someone for a long time, feeling like I was really getting to know them, and developing feelings and then if I found something like that out on my own, I would feel like I was lied to by omission, and probably make a bigger deal out of it in my head than it actually was in reality.

In most cases, honesty really is the best policy. Don't be defensive about it if he is a little taken aback, but also don't feel the need to be overly remorseful for something you did long before you knew him either. Just be honest, tell him that holding it in is bothering you, and explain the situation. I think within reason, I could accept a lot of situations about someone's past, as long as they were honest with me. Communication is key.

May 5, 2015

Honesty's definitely the best policy, but that also has to be tempered by perspective. OP feels that this is a BIG DEAL, but it's simply not. There are people out there with actual criminal records, maybe some of them even not the greatest people literally, and they still manage to have relationships, get jobs, live lives, etc.

I guess running criminal background checks on dates is sort of normal-ish in the modern world, but honestly, if I had a shoplifting conviction from when I was 19 and a date said "Jen, I want to ask you about this shoplifting thing, I'm a little concerned here," I'd laugh out loud at him (very genuinely), pay for his coffee/drink/dinner, thank him for his time, and be on my way.

Maybe she's talking about those mugshot sites?

Could be, but those sites are far from comprehensive. There is no 'master database' that every police department everywhere automatically enters mugshots into.

May 5, 2015

When I was 21, I was seriously dating a very bad guy...very long story short I don't want to put on the internet.. I spent a night in jail, with a broken bone (courtesy of said boyfriend), and swelling, and it was hands down the worst night of my life. Upon later review, my charges were dismissed. But I live in a state that once that's in the computer..It will be there forever. Were they dropped? Yes. And It says "dismissed". But that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
I live in a state that makes that VERY EASILY ACCESSIBLE PUBLIC INFORMATION. Example? Since I know how to do it, I screen guys before dates.
I live in a constant state of anxiety over this. Terrified. I know most people DON'T KNOW that information is readily available, but one guy I went on a date with (granted, he was like me and had gone to law school) plugged me in even before our first date. Once he heard the story, he was like, "I really don't think it's a big deal. At all." But that doesn't mean that a guy who doesn't have a legal background will feel the same.

I'm young, graduated with 2 bachelors degrees, got accepted to and attended law school (obviously, should be another thing showing law schools didn't see what I had done on my c&f as a huge detriment), I don't have to check the "have you ever been convicted of" TO ANYTHING on a job application, and also don't have to check "have you ever been charged with a felony" box, either. Nothing from that night precludes me from owning a machine gun, having a high level fingerprint clearance, etc etc.

BUT IT STILL worries me, and makes me feel like damaged goods. I've only told a handful of people ever that it happened. But I live in terror of any potential dating partner finding out.
Right now, I'm dating a simple, really sweet guy. It's still casual, but we've been on 13 dates (I just counted. ), and I've never told him. I don't want to feel like I'm lying to him, but I also don't want to be like, "Oh, hey, by the way, I'm a thug", either. But I'm starting to feel like NON disclosure would be worse--all it would take is one of his family members to type me in, and poof, he'd feel lied to.

Does anyone have any suggestions how to handle this? I have no criminal convictions--AT ALL--and not even a speeding ticket to my name, but the fact I got wrongly charged with 2 misdemeanors one night in my early 20's will never have "not happened". And it shames and worries me.

Simply segue into a conversation about the dumbest things you two have ever done or experienced. If he says he doesn't have any stories like that, fine. But then you tell him straight up all the circumstances of your experience. Be honest. If he can't accept it or handle it, then move on. It may or may not come out later, but if you feel you're keeping a secret from him, he'll sense it too. You were in a bad spot and in a different "place" then.

May 5, 2015

I tell my dates, "I'm not really bad, just drawn that way!"

May 5, 2015

The insecurity would turn me off way more than the actual arrest. I mean, you didn't even get convicted of anything and you're so convinced you're unworthy that you start bawling while admitting it to anyone. =/

As others said, it's basically nothing and you seem to have almost no self worth because of it.

May 5, 2015

Arrested is an allegation. Only convictions count. If you are that freaked take steps to have the matter expunged.

Personally I don't think you have to disclose anything because anybody who doesn't know the difference between an arrest & a conviction is too stupid to date seriously anyway.

If the other person brings it up, you can tell the truth about it but I don't think you owe that disclosure until you are thinking about marriage

May 5, 2015

I'm in the it's not a big deal crowd. You made a mistake, you paid for it with a night in jail and a broken nose. Hopefully you took a lesson away from the experience and you own it.

The guilt and the crying over it to potential mates seems extreme to me.

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I got arrested when I was younger..When do I disclose that to a guy I'm dating?

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