Eliza Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Hi. I was dating a guy for a year (living with him for 5 months) and I think he may have emotionally abused me (I left with no self esteem and quite depressed, so I think this was the case). In a nutshell he would have angry outbursts, swear at me, ignore me, tell me I wasn't wearing the right clothes, told me I smelled, my perfume was disgusting, that I hugged him too much, tried to kiss him too much, cooked him dinner when he didn't really want it, didn't like me touching him, he wouldn't have sex with me (but loved his porn) and basically made me felt I was an unattractive, overweight, disgusting slob that was in his way. He was never happy (I have since discovered this is his track record with women). I got out of the relationship pretty quick. My friends and family assured me all he said was rubbish and to wipe out the relationship from my mind. Now 4 months later I have met a lovely guy who seems interested in me. I was very confident the few first days (we've been dating a couple of weeks) but have noticed that when he gives me a compliment, I straight out don't believe it. Plus, I am starting to get a little scared that I'll get hurt again and starting to withdraw (I always vowed I'd never be one of those people!). I am having trouble accepting the little 'blokey' things that he does (like very obvious perving and his girly magazines) that sets off alarm bells. He is being perfectly innocent I'm sure, but it stirs up heaps of stuff in me. Ok, so I know you're probably thinking, this chick needs some counselling. I agree. My question is. Do I put this new relationship on hold while I sort out my self esteem, or should I continue seeing him while I have counselling? How much do I tell him about how I'm feeling? I don't want him to feel he has to change (porn is his business. I used to like porn until my boyfriend rejected me for it. Unfortunately, I think now I'll always see it as a threat). The last think I want to do is scare him off 'with issues'. He's such a bubbly, easy going guy. I would love to keep seeing him. Advice would be most welcome.
quankanne Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 counselling sounds like a very good investment when you've been through a traumatic experience and need those psychological tools to help you find the path you'd like to be on. seeing a counsellor while you're dating the new guy shouldn't be a conflict of interest; just explain in very general terms that you are seeking counselling to help you heal from the troubled relationship you had with the jackass ex. I think as you continue to date this new guy, you'll have a better idea when to broach certain subjects. If he is as easy-going as you write, he will most likely be respectful of your need to heal, and do his best to help you in that process. in the meantime, just enjoy the time you spend with your new beau and know that the bad times are behind you. quank
HoldOn Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Wow! I had almost the exact same experience. My ex made me feel worthless and unloved and would leave for days at a time. And everything was my fault. After two years I got together with my current bf, but it was still hard for me to accept that he was not a liar and manipulator. My question is. Do I put this new relationship on hold while I sort out my self esteem, or should I continue seeing him while I have counselling? How much do I tell him about how I'm feeling? I don't want him to feel he has to change (porn is his business. I used to like porn until my boyfriend rejected me for it. Unfortunately, I think now I'll always see it as a threat). The last think I want to do is scare him off 'with issues'. He's such a bubbly, easy going guy. I would love to keep seeing him. Here's what I did: 1. NO WAY did I talk to my bf about my "issues". NO no no. Those were my problems to work through, not his. 2. I did see a counselor. I made the appointment w/o telling my bf and then I causally told him that I was seeing a therapist, just for someone to talk to and it had nothing to do with him. He was fine with that and hardly pressed the issue. 3. Here was the KEY for me. I had a mantra that I would repeat to myself when I started to feel that new bf was too good to be true or when he wasn't giving me his full attention. "John* is not the boogey man. He's a good guy and he likes me." I'd just repeat it over and over again. Now the "like" is changed to "love" though. 4. No need to break up with current beax. Just try to relax. and get your help separately. I was definitely insecure after my last relationship. But I was not going to let my ex control my happiness in the present *names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Questioning_1 Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 wow i am in a very similar situation. I have been with my bf for about 9 months, I have serious problems with my self esteem and get easily bummed out, I worry and am depressed, etc. I have opted for therapy but was not sure whether to postpone or even break up with my bf and get myself sorted, but the truth is i would miss him badly if i did in addition i think we are serious enough with each other and comfortable enough that maybe i can get some support from him. do you think its a big problem having some emotional support form a bf or is it ok? (in small doses of course hehe
HoldOn Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 Of course it is okay to get some support from your bf. But don't become a drain on him. Don't smother him. It's not his role to make your life complete or cure your issues. That is your job. Don't have long talks about your issues, just have FUN with him. He's not your counsellor and he's not your girlfriend. He's not your ex. He's certainly NOT your husband. So don't try to give him those roles. He has a whole different role! I don't think you need to break up with him OR totally hide your issues. You can mention them casually, but don't cry about it or freak him out. Be upbeat around him. Remember your mantra! --whatever mantra you want to have. "BF loves me, he's a great guy." Repeat as necessary.
meanon Posted April 23, 2005 Posted April 23, 2005 Don't put the relationship on hold. Tell him what is going on if you would like his support or if issues (like porn) arise which bother you. Deal with your past, but don't let it dominate your new relationship.
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