Broke up with bf yesterday,why do i feel so much guilt??:(

[walkingonair]

We've been dating for 10 months.But there was never no real committment because he has issues with being in a relationship.Since the beginning of us dating he told me that he doesn't want a relationship and that relationshps suck and they all end and that he's crazy.I still continued dating him and he would contact me everyday nd we would see echother once a week and at times he would tell people i'm his gf.But i still felt that he kept me at arms length.We would only hangout once a week and i would sleep over his place for a day and then the next day i felt like he wanted me to leave.He could never spend more than one day with me.Then he started to back away and would only see me once every two weeks yet still would contact me everyday.Then a few months later he asks me to go on a trip for the weekend and then a few days into the trip he says i dont see us being together in the future.Those words really hurt me.But then he said sorry and we continued seeing eachother.Then that same week i find out that he is planning to move to another state.He didn't tell me i found out through a forum cause i know his username on that forum.Moving pretty much for no reason just to move.Doesn't really have a plan on just is very impulsive and immature and wants to move.He finally did tell me two weeks later .But im an idiot and continued seeing him.So yesterday i couldn't take it anymore.He also texted with a few girls and was flirtng with them,he never hungout with them but texted them and i feel like tht's super disrespectful to me.So i said since you're moving soon lets not hangout anymore and then he sid ok.i think you're right.Then i said you flirting with other girls is super disrespectful to me and i deserve respect and he said those are just my friends.(I know they are not his friends because he met one of the girls on a dating site long ago and they stopped talking so now shes talking to him again.)Now i feel sooooooooooooooooooooooo guilty and feel like I hurt him.I felt so awful and sad in this relationship he completely shattered my self esteem.Is ti wrong that i feel guilt?How do i mke myself realize that i idn't do nothing wrong:(

[losangelena]

Then i said you flirting with other girls is super disrespectful to me and i deserve respect and he said those are just my friends.(I know they are not his friends because he met one of the girls on a dating site long ago and they stopped talking so now shes talking to him again.)

 

Now i feel sooooooooooooooooooooooo guilty and feel like I hurt him.I felt so awful and sad in this relationship he completely shattered my self esteem.Is ti wrong that i feel guilt?How do i mke myself realize that i idn't do nothing wrong:(

 

I don't understand the leap between you saying you feel disrespected and you saying you feel guilty. Why feel guilty? You hurt him? How? He told you months ago he didn't want a relationship, that he didn't see you together in the future, he planned to up and move without letting you know, and then up and agreed with you when you said you thought you should stop hanging out. He sounds like he's fine with this arrangement.

 

Move on, OP. Why you stuck with him for this long is some kind of miracle. You deserve to be with someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with you.

[spiderowl]

Wow this sounds familiar! I suspect you feel guilty because you know deep down he was attached to you and just being an idiot. However, if his behavior is getting totally disrespectful and he can't acknowledge to himself that he wants a relationship with you, then he doesn't deserve one. In a way, you are dealing with a wayward toddler - he wants to play away, do what he likes when he likes and deny he needs his mum, but the minute she goes away he'll panic and blame her.

 

He's got his issues but if he doesn't care for you then you have to leave him to it. He'll only learn the hard way. Not telling you he's moving is a huge thing. He can't expect you to stay in a quasi-relationship of any kind if he's going to do this kind of thing. Don't feel guilty; these guys are their own worst enemies and no doubt go through life shooting themselves in the foot. There's no reason you should hang on unless he comes crawling back to you begging forgiveness. Until then, you should move on and put him behind you. Easier said than done though, I know.

[Redhead14]

We've been dating for 10 months.But there was never no real committment because he has issues with being in a relationship.Since the beginning of us dating he told me that he doesn't want a relationship and that relationshps suck and they all end and that he's crazy.I still continued dating him and he would contact me everyday nd we would see echother once a week and at times he would tell people i'm his gf.But i still felt that he kept me at arms length.We would only hangout once a week and i would sleep over his place for a day and then the next day i felt like he wanted me to leave.He could never spend more than one day with me.Then he started to back away and would only see me once every two weeks yet still would contact me everyday.Then a few months later he asks me to go on a trip for the weekend and then a few days into the trip he says i dont see us being together in the future.Those words really hurt me.But then he said sorry and we continued seeing eachother.Then that same week i find out that he is planning to move to another state.He didn't tell me i found out through a forum cause i know his username on that forum.Moving pretty much for no reason just to move.Doesn't really have a plan on just is very impulsive and immature and wants to move.He finally did tell me two weeks later .But im an idiot and continued seeing him.So yesterday i couldn't take it anymore.He also texted with a few girls and was flirtng with them,he never hungout with them but texted them and i feel like tht's super disrespectful to me.So i said since you're moving soon lets not hangout anymore and then he sid ok.i think you're right.Then i said you flirting with other girls is super disrespectful to me and i deserve respect and he said those are just my friends.(I know they are not his friends because he met one of the girls on a dating site long ago and they stopped talking so now shes talking to him again.)Now i feel sooooooooooooooooooooooo guilty and feel like I hurt him.I felt so awful and sad in this relationship he completely shattered my self esteem.Is ti wrong that i feel guilt?How do i mke myself realize that i idn't do nothing wrong:(

 

No, you didn't do anything wrong. But, you didn't do anything right either. You knew this man didn't want what you wanted and kept hanging on hoping he would "come around". Yes, once in a while that will happen, but in those cases, they may say they don't want a relationship in the very beginning usually because they are managing expectations for both parties, but if they do become invested you will start to feel it and you won't be hearing that again. This guy said it multiple times over the course of 10 months. Nothing was changing for him.

 

You are not feeling guilt. What you really may be feeling is regret and maybe a little shame because you're realizing that this was just an F buddy. And, that you allowed yourself to be used.

 

If that is the case, chalk it up to experience and learn from it. Manage your emotions and expectations very on in a dating scenario and listen to what the man tells you. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't act like he is in one and you want one, leave the situation early. Or, if you want to continue in that scenario, keep your emotions in check and just go with the flow until it runs it's course. In this case, it's run it's course.

 

"he completely shattered my self esteem". He didn't try to or do that. He told you upfront what was what. You can't control another person, what you can control is you. If you feel or find yourself in an unfulfilling relationship or know that the man doesn't want the same thing you want, you get out. You manage your self-esteem, they don't have any control over it.

Edited May 5, 2015 by Redhead14

[BlueIris]

You did the right thing. These are more than enough reasons to break up with someone and if you ever start dating someone who does things like this again- keeps you at arm’s length, minimal time together, doesn’t like relationships, etc- end it sooner. No one should stay with a “boyfriend” (which he was? wasn’t? who knows?) who says and does things like that.