Lancelot Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Lancelot wrote Thanks in advance for all your replies I am new to this medium, but I have a story to share too But first, something about me. I am not a Christian but I do believe in Christ's principles I am a true romantic, and it has been very difficult to live in the USA for so long and not to give up my principles... I see a lot of non sense... love is not a "feeling" that comes to you, love is a choice It is a hard one, but it is truly a choice I can make myself "fall in love" with any woman I want, but experience has taught me that I have to save my pearls for the right one When I read in this forum about the way people break up, and myself currently experiencing the same, that from one day to another the other person just ditches you, even if you went completely out of your way for her, I realize there is a lot of immaturity out there... Again, love is not only a choice, love is an art ("the art of loving, Erich Fromm) Having said that, now I am in the position that most of you are... Do I contact or not contact someone I chose to love? And this is what you have taught me... that NO CONTACT is the best answer... But ... I will see her soon at small claims court... I did this because of her lack of disrespect and lack of humanity She is seven months pregnant by another guy... I quit my job many months ago because I coudn't stand seeing her with another guy, and she claimed she wasn't aware I loved her Since she is a "Christian," cares deeply for others, unpromiscous, etc, I believed she wouldn't be or act like the average woman I am known as choosing only "decent" woman, and therefore I was taken aback by all the things that have been happening When she "chose" the other guy, I did something I have never tried to do before, and something that goes against my principles... I told her the other person was a "bad" guy and would only use her, and that I would not play with her feelings and would be there for her no matter what She chose the other guy, I quit the job, she told me she knew what she was doing, and 3 weeks later, after quitting my job, and she not answering me to my messages, she contacts me My male ego wanted to send her to hell, but my "good" side knew deep inside something more troubling was happening And I was right Now she had broken up with the other guy, now she was jobless, and now she had just found out she was pregnant Here it should have been my first clue she is not the person I thought she was... I am old fashion, and to my standards, I could see that she probably had sex with the other guy in the very first dates That should have been the red signal, but since I have been living many years over here, I try to accept the lack of principles most "good Christians" profess they have... The irony of all this is that at our old job, our ex-boss interviewed me for 3 hours, and found out every single piece of my life, and the boss realized I may be the last romantic on earth... I know most of you will crucify me for this, but who cares, you have the right to live your life the way you want, but later in life don't be a hypocrite to your kids I won't because I walked what I preached And I don't even go to church... Then I had to let go of my ego and reached my hand to this "lady" I even told her I would marry her and have the kid as my own... I hunch in my soul was telling me, "reach out or she will end prostituting herself.." Her family rejected the baby, and more shocking for her, again another clue about how hypocritical we all can be ( I include myself), the first thing her mom said was:" have an abortion" She told me to give her time and space and that she coudn't take me now, since it would be a rebound situation We didn't live together, but I believed her. I supported her financially for 4/5 months, struggling a lot because we both were living in separate places, and from one day to another she tells me she is going back to her former state, and that she had been living with someone else, etc, etc (telling me intentionally the most hurtful things...) Then I told her not to disrespect me that way or else... And she didn't believe me, and the else has deep consequences... Reading all the posts, in this section, I have the same experience I put her first, and she didn't I gave it all, and she didn't But I thought this was because she was pregnant, alone, without support, etc, etc I filed a claim at small claims court, and I am fighting for all the money I "lent" her She claims all of it was a gift. I warned her before sending her the Sheriff that I only needed to talk to her, and that I would give a break When I showed up at her town, she ran away in her car (she was getting home) and told me that the next time she sees me she would have a restraining order for me I have never helped someone so much, and be mistreated so much Then I did send the Sheriff, and all of a sudden she emails me asking me why am I doing this? I guess women can be so so clueless Again people, love is not just a feeling, is a commitment to live higher principles Principles that should be common, but that not necessarily are common I have strong feelings for her because I "chose" to care a lot for her, and for her baby too But thanks to this medium, now I realize that my willingness to love has to be tamed, and controlled, and directed to someone kinder and nicer I have been meeting new ladies, and one of them gives me the vibe she could be the one I want to offer everything to her She is so excited about my "gifts" and she will actually be my .... partner in something... I was walking on clouds when I met her, and my friend (male) couldn't describe with words how lucky I am... But there is something that I only know... that I will guard my heart from now on.... Not with resentment but with wisdom Not with negativity but with the realization of the immaturity of most women... I will not act cool, it will not be an act, it will be a way of being I will save my true unconditional love to myself But to women, it will only be a glimpse of the power of love Best of life to all of you
Marshbear Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 When we love and are hurt it is the most awful pain on earth. When we give a relationship our all and we are abused and abased our heart is shattered by the deceit of the one we love. The pain is terrible and the healing the most gut wrenching task we will ever face but we must go on or the love was a lie. I wish you luck in your walk of honor and you will be rewarded for your valor.
moon Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Lancelot, Your story is exactly the reason why no contact is best after a break up. I think you have to use common sense as well. When this woman left you for another man, that should have been your cue to stay away from her. There are patterns in history, even by Christians, of mistreatment of people. I think you have to take people for who they are. If they are showing you that they can't be trusted and that they don't respect you, then things can ONLY get worse. One of my favorite quotes that a Christian told me once is: "Jesus Christ wasn't a doormat and he doesn't expect you to be one either." Think about it. Seriously, I'd drop it with this woman. She's pregnant and has no money. How can you sue somebody who has no money? The judge is going to say......this woman has no money. What can you do with that? She could file bankruptcy also. I mean there's little you can do. You have to ask yourself why you want to be a doormat for this woman. Why don't you have enough respect to find people who value you. It is hard in life, though. Because I know sometimes you just meet people in life you think are going to be one way, but turn out to be another. It is easy to get attached to these same people, too. Hey, you're human!!! So it sounds like you've learned your lesson. When the stovehot........don't keep touching it and feeling more and more pain. STOP yourself and realize you're gonna get burned. I think it's like the theory of Pavlov's dog. A few times of getting burned and you're gonna be more careful. You're going to realize you don't want to keep hurting. You build up an awareness, so I am sure next time you'll remember the pain and find a person more closer to your values and character. Your ex might just be in a different phase of developement from you. Let her go. Let her deal with her own issues and problems and be thankful you're not in her boat. She sounds like she's got a lot of troubles. Good luck.
Author Lancelot Posted April 21, 2005 Author Posted April 21, 2005 Thanks for your reply... But the only thing that you don't know is that if you knew her, you wouldn't say this is the kind of person she is... What I am trying to say is that, after sharing my story with all kind of men, I have seen a pattern, the pattern is that most people think of themselves as good but they go and do the wrong Am I good? No That is why I don't go to church And I have been discovering tons of men who have been burned or deceived, some like me, few months, others, it took them 10 or 15 years to get burned...!!! They lost their house, their car, now they have to pay child support, etc For women it is so easy to cry wolf, but there are actually few resources for abused men And it is even harder because most people put the blame on the victim, whether this is in social problems or economic problems (like blaming teachers when in fact this society treats them like dirt and blame them of everythng) My point is that I feel I was deceived... and that is the major issue I will tell to the judge.... No foundation of any good relationship, or morality, or law system, can be based on lies But even believing in Christ can be the greates deception in human history ever achieved, since scientifically all the things Christ did (walking on water, resurrecting people, etc) are scientifically impossible Then that leaves us again in believing in lies to do the good! Then what is going on? How come we can't be honest without that, without religion, etc How come people can be manipulated so easy? Then, and even more profound question, what is love? Love is irrational, and then, is it love our greatest fallacy? You one day will have kids (or maybe you already have) How are you going to teach them to choose the right person? Base on what? what are the principles you teach and why, and how can you promote those principles, and probably you have done something unjust to someone who cared deeply for you, and you just rubbed it off like nothing Have you ever ponder about the damage you have done in the past, and try to repair it? The only people I have heard and witnessed acknowledging this kind of concept is AA people, but outside that organization, I see people disregarding so easily their trespasses Then Christ should have known better about Judas... specially if he was the son of god and avoid that outcome...
Marshbear Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 The outcome of Christ was ordained by God and yes he could have stopped the outcome but what would our outcome be? If you believe in Christianity then you believe that Christ was God in human form and his death was so we may live. As John 3:16 says: For God so loved the world that he gave is only begotten son that who believeth on him should not parish but have everlasting life...
moon Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Lancelot, I guess we all have to realize we are on different journeys to learn different lessons. I for one didn't have parents who created a foundation to understand what a great relationship is about. I have had problems with this myself. I think the only thing you can do is to keep on learning and trying to get things right. Maybe you'll be 80 and you'll find a person who treats you right, don't know? All you can due is to try to live with integrity. But in this world where there is so much divorce, so much lying/cheating (government too), so much poverty, is it really worth it to wonder so much that love in its self isn't pure and perfect? Fear of the devil (and tempetation) is also a very real part of Christianity. Some fall to temptation. Even a Christian knows you can always pray for forgiveness. But nobody ever said life would be easy. I think the only thing will can really do is forgive because most of the people that are hurting other people in this world have been hurt themselves. So I guess all we can try to do (I put myself in there too) is to be careful who we give our most precious possession to---our hearts. If we are attracted to people who come from backgrounds where they have been hurt and haven't resolved their issues---or very unwhole people, then we are probably not going to be able to get the best from these people. I think after a while you realize that love isn't enough. You have to make sure that other person is responsible and will hold up their end of the bargain. Of course many other things need to also be there---chemistry, love, attracction, etc. But don't you think it's ironic that you are looking to the judge to resolve your love disputes? I mean nobody can help you resolve what you are feeling in your heart----nobody but you. And that's life---love it or hate it---there's not much else you can do. Sometimes your ahead sometimes your behind. But I agree that people should be held more accountable for their actions. I mean it's not like a law can be passed to prosecute those that don't return your love. Would that make any sense? So I guess there is nothing more that can be done but to forgive yourself for getting into the jam and don't throw it all away for love again. Protect yourself more. But I suspect you're going to learn a HUGE lesson from all of this. I think once you learn it it'll pay you back ten fold. Many of us (me included!!) are on that same road---so don't think I am judging you at all. Good luck.
ConfusedInOC Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by Lancelot But even believing in Christ can be the greates deception in human history ever achieved, since scientifically all the things Christ did (walking on water, resurrecting people, etc) are scientifically impossible Umm, not to preach, but.....those things are only scientifically impossible by mortals, not the Son of God.
alphamale Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Originally posted by Lancelot I can make myself "fall in love" with any woman I want, no, you can't LANCELOT BTW...wasn't Lancelot gay? or was that the other Knight?
Merin Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Sorry things turned out the way they have for you... There are of course 3 sides to every story... Alpha is right that you can't force feelings.. regardless if you believe love is a choice or not.. if those feelings of attraction whether they be physical attraction, emotional attraction etc aren't there you cannot choose to manufacture them.
Recommended Posts