His ex-girlfriend accidentally liked a post of mine - ?

May 4, 2015

First of all, I want to say I know this isn't a big deal at all. The only issue is whether to tell my boyfriend.

Backstory: my boyfriend left his girlfriend for a number of reasons, one of which was to be with me. They had had a rocky relationship for a long time, so I won't flatter myself and assume I was the bestest girl ever, but in his own words I was the "catalyst" for the breakup. He was her first real boyfriend and the man she lost her virginity to (she's from a conservative culture), so when he ended things for good she flipped. She got a bad case of Breakup Crazy and isolated most of her friends, found another job halfway across the world, and he and I have continued well for 10 months now.

Today I saw she accidentally liked one of my posts on Instagram. I knew it was her because I'd seen her profile before and recognized the photo. When I went to examine the post her "like" was gone, she'd changed her avatar and locked her own profile down. Oops.

So here's my question: do I tell my boyfriend or not? On the one hand, it's his ex and therefore his business. Besides, she has a history of being kinda unstable. I would want to know if an unstable ex of mine was checking out my current boyfriend.

On the other hand: it was an innocent mistake. I would be completely mortified if I were her, especially at the thought that his new girlfriend might tell. I certainly understand the desire to stalk your ex's new partner, even though I know you shouldn't. It could happen to anybody and it was harmless. (I hate the notion of "tattling", too.)

We're all in our late 20s, if that provides any context. Instagram is the only social media I use because I'm too crotchety and impatient to figure out the others, plus I don't like sharing every last detail about my life. What's the etiquette here? To tell or not?

Edited May 4, 2015 by lana-banana

May 4, 2015

It's social media. Why you two are even connected on social media?

Assuming your BF is also your "friend" on social media, he can see what she liked. There's no need for you to stir up drama by mentioning.

Block your stuff from her in the future.

May 4, 2015

We're not connected, and my boyfriend doesn't have an Instagram account. My guess is she saw a post from a mutual friend where we were together (we were at a party recently) and followed back to my account.

I don't want to stir up drama, so I think it's best not to say anything, but I don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything either. I tell him everything about my exes for trust reasons and he does the same. But I really don't want to embarrass her, and that will probably lead me to not tell him.

May 5, 2015

Don't tell him. In the meantime, lock down YOUR account and make it private, same goes with facebook and any other social media. If you keep it public where anybody can look and like, then expect ex's or strangers to lurk your page.

May 5, 2015

Besides, she has a history of being kinda unstable. I would want to know if an unstable ex of mine was checking out my current boyfriend.

well... how unstable are we talking here? burn down your house, send you dead animals in the mail, threatening letters & calls kind of unstable...? or throwing tantrums and being childish kind of unstable? do you have any reason to fear her in any way? if so -- tell him.

you got it right, pretty much - she probably stalked & well... she's going through it. you come off as a kind and understanding person and i wouldn't tell him if i were you -- simply because it's not important.

even if you do tell him... what can he do about it? just seems like an irrelevant information. he will probably just get annoyed. give her a "pass" this time, you know?

however - if it happens again, tell him.

p.s. i think it's really nice that you don't want to tell him because you don't want to embarrass her. it's very compassionate, kudos to you.

Edited May 5, 2015 by minimariah

May 5, 2015

In terms of how unstable---I don't exactly know. I have tried to keep things as separate as possible and he tries to avoid mentioning her when possible. I really don't want to know. But at a recent event I was drinking with two of her friends, who said she "went completely psychotic", was "deranged" and "out of control", and they tried to help her. I made it clear it was none of my business and changed the subject.

I ended up telling him because he happened to call a little while ago and I just didn't feel comfortable omitting it. It feels like his ex is his business, at least when I have no prior link to her. I also admitted I'd seen her profile before since we have mutual friends. After he confirmed it wasn't intentional and everything was fine, he just laughed. "This whole thing amuses me. Women!"

I did some reading and learned how to block people on Instagram. I remember when I tried a year or so ago you couldn't block individual people from seeing your profile but now you can.

Thanks to all for the advice.

May 5, 2015

In terms of how unstable---I don't exactly know. I have tried to keep things as separate as possible and he tries to avoid mentioning her when possible. I really don't want to know. But at a recent event I was drinking with two of her friends, who said she "went completely psychotic", was "deranged" and "out of control", and they tried to help her. I made it clear it was none of my business and changed the subject.

you know how folks are, if those were her TRUE friends -- they wouldn't tell her business around, especially not to you. so take what her "friends" say with a grain of salt - they probably made it more serious than it is.

she's probably just healing & grieving, it is what it is. also, you mentioned she locked her account - when you block folks on Instagram, it says either that your account is locked or that you have no posts... so maybe she blocked you, too.

Edited May 5, 2015 by minimariah

May 5, 2015

Pick your battles...if it really isn't a big deal then don't make it one. Be blessed!

September 19, 2015

I had her blocked, but was messing with Instagram when I got my new phone and some things may have been reset. I woke up this morning to discover she's following me. It's been more than 15 months now, but she did ask my boyfriend about me recently.

Obviously I will ask my boyfriend what he thinks and defer to his judgment, but I wanted to hear from other people. Is it possible to be friends with your SO's ex? Did she figure it made sense to add me since we have quite a few mutual friends now? Is this the norm among kids these days?

September 19, 2015

First of all, I want to say I know this isn't a big deal at all. The only issue is whether to tell my boyfriend.

Backstory: my boyfriend left his girlfriend for a number of reasons, one of which was to be with me. They had had a rocky relationship for a long time, so I won't flatter myself and assume I was the bestest girl ever, but in his own words I was the "catalyst" for the breakup. He was her first real boyfriend and the man she lost her virginity to (she's from a conservative culture), so when he ended things for good she flipped. She got a bad case of Breakup Crazy and isolated most of her friends, found another job halfway across the world, and he and I have continued well for 10 months now.

Today I saw she accidentally liked one of my posts on Instagram. I knew it was her because I'd seen her profile before and recognized the photo. When I went to examine the post her "like" was gone, she'd changed her avatar and locked her own profile down. Oops.

So here's my question: do I tell my boyfriend or not? On the one hand, it's his ex and therefore his business. Besides, she has a history of being kinda unstable. I would want to know if an unstable ex of mine was checking out my current boyfriend.

On the other hand: it was an innocent mistake. I would be completely mortified if I were her, especially at the thought that his new girlfriend might tell. I certainly understand the desire to stalk your ex's new partner, even though I know you shouldn't. It could happen to anybody and it was harmless. (I hate the notion of "tattling", too.)

We're all in our late 20s, if that provides any context. Instagram is the only social media I use because I'm too crotchety and impatient to figure out the others, plus I don't like sharing every last detail about my life. What's the etiquette here? To tell or not?

I don't think there is any rule of etiquette here. It's totally up to your discretion IMO.

It's not a very big deal so I could see myself probably as it happened saying to my bf, "How weird, so and so accidentally liked my pic on IG" and that would probably be the end of that, we'd say how weird it is and then carry on.

I don't think mentioning it or not mentioning it will really make any difference, so to me it's one of those random "how odd" things you can tell your SO about or not, but it's certainly not an etiquette or ethical issue of whether you ought to or not.

September 19, 2015

So I told him she was following me. He said he thought it was weird and he wondered what she hoped to get out of it. He also said he didn't care how I handled it, but it was obvious from his tone that he was mildly irritated by it. I'm not completely comfortable---most of my posts are about stuff we do/bake/eat/see together, or sweet things he does for me---but I'll ignore it for now.

September 19, 2015

No, just ignore it. I doubt she'll do anything anyway. People FB stalk others all the time, but just looking is all it amounts to.

September 19, 2015

Um why are you drinking with two of her friends? You sound like an absolute troublemaker.

First you "take" her bf away from her, obviously she's obsessing over you, wasting her time, then her friends are bitching about her to you.

Do you seriously not accept any responsibility?

I feel bad for the ex. She needs a real friend to tell her to forget about a guy who didn't appreciate and a girl who took over her leftovers.

September 19, 2015

Um why are you drinking with two of her friends? You sound like an absolute troublemaker.

Uh, because we were at a vineyard together in a big group? And her friends have since become my friends?

First you "take" her bf away from her, obviously she's obsessing over you, wasting her time, then her friends are bitching about her to you.
Do you seriously not accept any responsibility?

I feel bad for the ex. She needs a real friend to tell her to forget about a guy who didn't appreciate and a girl who took over her leftovers.

What an incredibly juvenile mentality. When adults in serious relationships break up, the involved social circles don't just evaporate overnight. You don't "pick and choose". People remain friends with their SO's friends. The social boundaries are fuzzy and awkward, which is why I'm trying to navigate this situation gracefully. Edited September 19, 2015 by lana-banana

September 19, 2015

So what's stopping you from making your own friends?

Every time you go to see these friends of yours, you don't think they go see her and talk about you too?

Newsflash: you're being selfish.

September 19, 2015

So what's stopping you from making your own friends?

Where did I say I don't have any other friends? What do my friends have to do with this?

Every time you go to see these friends of yours, you don't think they go see her and talk about you too?

Newsflash: you're being selfish.

Why wouldn't they talk to her? They're her friends. I haven't said anything to them about her because she's not my business. What they say is their concern, same as any other friend.

You are really reaching here. Because she is following me on Instagram and I am trying to handle it in the best possible way, I'm being selfish? Oooookay.

September 19, 2015

I ended up telling him because he happened to call a little while ago and I just didn't feel comfortable omitting it. It feels like his ex is his business, at least when I have no prior link to her. I also admitted I'd seen her profile before since we have mutual friends. After he confirmed it wasn't intentional and everything was fine, he just laughed. "This whole thing amuses me. Women!"
.

Why???!!! he laughed the whole thing? aka his ex went crazy?

That's not nice. It's very cold-hearted in fact! after all, that's a girl he took her virginity and she comes from a conservative culture and her first bf. can we blame her to take the break up that hard?

so all her heart brokenness served just to 'amuses' him? If the girl knew this, I wonder if she will still flipped and went 'deranged' over this guy.

wow....NOT a good person! If I were op, I will be careful.

Edited September 19, 2015 by loveflower

September 19, 2015

Why???!!! he laughed the whole thing? aka his ex went crazy?

That's not nice. It's very cold-hearted in fact! after all, that's a girl he took her virginity and she comes from a conservative culture and her first bf. can we blame her to take the break up that hard?

so all her heart brokenness served just to 'amuses' him? If the girl knew this, I wonder if she will still flipped and went 'deranged' over this guy.

wow....NOT a good person! If I were op, I will be careful.

He laughed about and was amused by the Instagram thing, not the breakup. I don't see how that's cold-hearted. Their breakup was over a year ago. He still treats her respectfully when she reaches out.

I'm really just asking if anyone has ever been friends with their SO's exes (I haven't) or been in a similar situation.

September 20, 2015

Umm a trouble maker would not have cared about how to handle such things.

This is ridiculous..the OP is actually going out of her way to be nice to her partners ex.....

A trouble maker would have had ill intent. To make the ex jealous or what not. Where as the OP genuinly cared about both her partners AND his exes feelings.

And she is hardly a home wrecker. Her partner wasn't married. I am sure the OP handled it all gracefully. She was the catalyst for the break up, they weren't cheating beyond anyone's back. He broke up with the girl before getting together with the OP......

Why are people having a go at this OP? Unbelievable.

September 20, 2015

I don't get the hatred for OP either. Sounds like she's managing this as well as she possibly can and rather than falling into the 'my partner's ex is such a b!tch!' for no reason trap, she's trying to act politely and cordial with the girl's interests in her mind. Very mature.

It totally depends on the people involved, I've known people (usually older with kids involved, so the exes have to stay around) end up friends with their ex's new partner or partner's ex, if all are going to be spending time together, it's not uncommon at all now for both parents plus partners to spend time together going to a special event like the kid's graduation or marriage.

However, this girl isn't actually reaching out for friendship here, so don't jump the gun. Sounds like all she's done is try add you on social media. Probably to be nosy. I don't think there's any reason to believe she's trying to actually become friends, more that she's looking for hints into your life with her ex. Which could indicate she isn't quite over what happened yet.

I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone having access to my personal info on social media unless I was actually friends with them, and I'd see it kinda weird if my boyfriend's ex tried to add me when we've never spoken a word before. We bump into my ex together now and then (albeit a guy from five years ago, that I dated for four years, and who my boyfriend has known vaguely socially before we got together but not 'friends', never hung out etc) and stop to chat and say hi because it's polite and we both like the guy and have nothing against him at all. But that's way different to me from the idea of our recent exes trying to hit new partners up on social media, especially if the new partner was a factor in the breakup to begin with.

Just do what you feel comfortable with, can't imagine she'll exactly massively care or feel slighted if you ignore the request, it is pretty bizarre.

September 20, 2015

Thanks to everyone for your feedback, positive and negative. It helps to hear others' perspective on the situation.

Probably to be nosy. I don't think there's any reason to believe she's trying to actually become friends, more that she's looking for hints into your life with her ex.

I think this is exactly what it is. A friend of hers mentioned in an unrelated conversation that she was "skeptical of the timeline" regarding my boyfriend and I, which is completely understandable. He did choose to leave her for me but there was no cheating involved; we had been friends for a long time prior. I can see how she'd be paranoid that he was up to something, but it wasn't like that at all. We had a long conversation where we admitted feelings for each other, agreed it was inappropriate to go any further, and shortly thereafter he broke up.

What I don't get is why she felt the need to follow me at all. My Instagram is completely open to everyone because I like to swap recipes and interact with new people. Openly following me when there's no reason she can't stalk me anonymously just seems...weird.

The good news is her friend also said she is doing quite well otherwise, is generally over the relationship and is not bothered by her friends hanging out with me. She immediately moved in with a new guy following the breakup but now they're long-distance. She is very happy with him though and that's all that matters. I wish her well. I can't imagine we'd ever be friends, but maybe someday when she moves back to our country this will all be ancient history.

In conclusion: social media is dumb and everyone should light their computers and phones on fire.

September 20, 2015

He laughed about and was amused by the Instagram thing, not the breakup. I don't see how that's cold-hearted. Their breakup was over a year ago. He still treats her respectfully when she reaches out.

I'm really just asking if anyone has ever been friends with their SO's exes (I haven't) or been in a similar situation.

Thank you for the clarification. In that case, it seems OK.

maybe she was just accidentally request to be friend too? otherwise, no sane person will do such a thing, I think.

September 20, 2015

Backstory: my boyfriend left his girlfriend for a number of reasons, one of which was to be with me.

This statement above is exactly why Craw said what he/she said.

YOU were one of the reasons for the breakup which means you were involved with this guy in one way or another while he was still with her. Apparently, he wanted to be sure to have someone else waiting in the wings before he dumped her.

Maybe she wouldn't be creeping on your internet stuff if he'd shown an ounce of integrity and respect towards her when they broke up and he did it for the RIGHT reasons.

You've seen his true colors now, so you can't be surprised when one day Prince Charming finds himself another 'catalyst' right before he breaks up with you. And then it will be you creeping on the new girlfriend's Instagram and whatever other online nonsense accounts she's got, and accidentally 'liking' her stuff.

September 20, 2015

I would have to assume that they all live in a small town. Bang each other friends in the same circle.

Also, this girl apparently for up and move half way across the world??? Still remains in contact? Homesick n heart broken with her friends back home calling her psycho.

Delightful combo.

Edited September 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

September 20, 2015

This statement above is exactly why Craw said what he/she said.

YOU were one of the reasons for the breakup which means you were involved with this guy in one way or another while he was still with her. Apparently, he wanted to be sure to have someone else waiting in the wings before he dumped her.

Maybe she wouldn't be creeping on your internet stuff if he'd shown an ounce of integrity and respect towards her when they broke up and he did it for the RIGHT reasons.

You've seen his true colors now, so you can't be surprised when one day Prince Charming finds himself another 'catalyst' right before he breaks up with you. And then it will be you creeping on the new girlfriend's Instagram and whatever other online nonsense accounts she's got, and accidentally 'liking' her stuff.

True too.

Without the 'catalyst' he would still be with her. I have reservation about people who jump from one relationship right into another.

Edited September 20, 2015 by loveflower

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His ex-girlfriend accidentally liked a post of mine - ?

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