mimiMobile Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Hi, I'm going to try to write here again - I've written a few times but have gotten few responses so I will try to keep it brief this time around. The purpose of this post will be to gain support and understanding on how to forgive myself and move on. I am very hard on myself and keep finding my thoughts drifting to my ex and beating myself up over what had happened. Cliffs: - I am about to be 28. He is 34 - Dated for 3 years - Lived together for 2 years - Ex changed careers and became a police officer, schedule changed drastically - end of 2014 I decided to move out because I felt unappreciated but with the understand we'd still be together - fast fwd after move out - I realize it was a huge mistake, saw that he did in fact appreciate me but in his own ways that I failed to see while we still lived together - turned around and asked to come back - he was furious of my move out, thought it was a slap in the face and that I "jumped ship" and abandoned him - I apologized and did SO many things I regret like showing up unnanounced and drunk dialing Fast forward to now. We are civil. We've grabbed drinks, he's come to visit me, I've randomly seen him while he was on his shift and it has always been positive. He kissed me and we interacted like civil human beings. But whenever I brought up the relationship, he quickly became defensive and said he was still angry and needed to know what was best for him and what was best for me. He asked me not to wait "out of love and respect for you, it's just not fair you sit and wait while I figure it out," which makes it even harder because it's such a "nice guy" thing to say. Yet, any time we interact it's full on flirt mode. At first, I thought I was the one that got dumped and was absolutely destroyed. For 2 months I didn't eat and had to go out of state to my family to gain sanity. But when I came back, I was met with "you moved out on ME" speech and now am under the assumption that I completely screwed things up when I decided to move out. I beat myself over my decision every single day. And the embarassment I caused him. I've apologized and have asked to come back. I saw him this weekend and invited him over for dinner. His response was weird. I asked him over a messenger and he responded with a smiley face. And nothing else. I fully recognize I need to wrap it up and move on because this isn't doing me any good. And if he's confused and can't break things off with me cleanly, that's something he needs to do on his own without further emotional damage to me. Can someone please help me? I literally hate myself for moving out and feeling like I destroyed everything. I want to understand why it is so difficult to forgive me for him but know I probably will never understand. It makes it really hard because i moved out to this state for him and all of my connections are through him - like family and friends. So I've had to start rebuilding from scratch and not a day goes by when I don't miss him. I want to live side by side with him and I feel like absolute crap for what I did.
Ruby65 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Didn't he ask for a period of time without contact? Are you giving him the time he asked for? If not, that might explain the strange smiley face response to your messaging him. In any case, he's told you not to wait for him.... that's pretty definitive. I wouldn't brush this off as him just being a nice guy or self-sacrificing, I'd say that's him telling you this break could be permanent and you shouldn't put your life on hold for him -- that you should move on. I'd take his advice and wouldn't continue living where you are currently if it's not where you're happiest living. If he decides he's made a mistake, let him chase after you!
Author mimiMobile Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 (edited) Didn't he ask for a period of time without contact? Are you giving him the time he asked for? If not, that might explain the strange smiley face response to your messaging him. In any case, he's told you not to wait for him.... that's pretty definitive. I wouldn't brush this off as him just being a nice guy or self-sacrificing, I'd say that's him telling you this break could be permanent and you shouldn't put your life on hold for him -- that you should move on. I'd take his advice and wouldn't continue living where you are currently if it's not where you're happiest living. If he decides he's made a mistake, let him chase after you! Hi Ruby, Thank you - I do remember your posts from a while back. I don't know how space is define, per se. With all of my heart, I feel I have done everything in my power to say and hopefully show that I am extremely sorry. I fully believe there is nothing more I can do -- about the contact, it's always a mirky water type of thing. When I stay away and then we see each other, like a week ago when he had to drop off my piano, he couldn't take his eyes off of me and kept saying how gorgeous I was and attempted (and succeeded) so kiss me numerous times. Then he called me 5 minutes after he left, etc. And then silence again. It's just that at this point my head is getting tossed around in so many directions that I need to give myself a reality check and admit that YES he is not interested now and may never be interested again and I have got to believe I need to move on. Guilt always ends up crawling back and the feelings of missing a piece of my heart and the cycle starts all over again. I have a highly addictive personality and that is something I recognize. I've always suffered from extreme passion in sorts - like throwing myself into studies or a hobby or whatever. But love is above all my #1 addiction and I'm trying SO hard to just keep my mind occupied on everything and anything else but at the end of the day, I have dreams about him and I wake up thinking about him and trying to ignore those thoughts and all of the energy put into forgetting gets me so exhausted. I saw 2 therapists in the last 3 months. They honestly did me absolutely no good. One of them was awful, said I needed to be medicated =\ and that she couldn't help me. And frankly, talking about my failed relationship over and over I feel like is counterproductive. Because I keep revisiting all of the mistakes I made and feeling even more guilty and then that guilt sits at the pit of my stomach and eats away.. slowly.. sigh. About the location - I'm so tired of moving. I'm international. Born in Russia. Grew up in Japan. Did schooling in California. First in LA then San Francisco then Berkeley. Lived in Boston then Cambridge. Then moved up to my current state for him. I'm just so drained of relocating. I can't do it anymore. I need to learn to be able to make a life for myself out here, even if it means constantly having the reminder that he was the reason I came out here. Maybe that is a thought that will one day pass or will not bother me as much? In any case. Thanks for your input. I've gotta get myself together and kick my healing into overdrive or else. Edited May 4, 2015 by mimiMobile
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