my PMS'ing girlfriend is ruining our great relationship.

[slubberdegullion]

Hope you enjoy being single

 

I'll ignore that, since it doesn't address the issue at hand.

 

You're welcome to have the last word if you want. I'm not emotionally attached to the argument.

 

Remember what the thread started with? It started with a plea for help. So instead of snide comments, maybe it would be better if we focused on the original intent of the post.

 

How do you feel, Bergler, about the discussion that's taken place? Has it helped, or confused the issue?

[HoldOn]

Man,

 

I understand that at one level, only YOU are responsible for your own happiness. However, a relationship is about cooperation and working together to make sure you are both happy.

 

Of course the girl with PMS or the guy with the cold should take care of themselves and try not to be so moody... But the other partner can also HELP with this.

 

If your girlfriend has PMS, don't make any comments about her bloating or joke about her dog dying. If your boyfriend has a cold, bring him some kleenex and make him some tea. "Is that so hard to understand?"

 

I said to her that she's got it all backwards. If women know (and most do) that men communicate to exchange information, then it's up to the woman to make sure that she isn't playing games and expect the men to decode the message.

 

That's silly. Why can't both parties work on their communication.

 

It just seems like you expect the girl to do ALL The work in the communcation and the relationship. How about sharing some responsibility here? How about meeting each other half way??

[slubberdegullion]

Originally posted by HoldOn ...Why can't both parties work on their communication.

(emphasis added)

 

YES! YES! YES! Finally, somebody gets it! It's up to BOTH parties, male AND female!

 

<applauds HoldOn>

[HoldOn]

Umm, why did you say "it's up to the woman" then?

[slubberdegullion]

It's up to the sender of the message to ensure that the receiver gets the point. It's one of those peculiar conundrums of communication that trips people up (myself included) all the time. After all, I know what I mean! Howcom no one else does?

 

It's not about male vs. female here, though some have framed it that way. It's about the process by which we communicate with each other, and the responsibility we have towards one another.

 

For instance, sure, it's easy to say to a husband, "just deal with it" when there's an issue in the house. After all, the husband/wife (in whatever form, married or not) relationship is the primary building block of the household, and that is as it should be. But in the workplace, is it appropriate to tell the boss, "just deal with it"? Is it appropriate to tell a friend or acquaintance, "just deal with it"? Is it appropriate to ask a child the same thing? Of course not. But we expect out spouses to "just deal with it" as if they have a lower value. (I speak of both men and women here... I know plenty of men that bring the poison of their workplace home with them, and I personally think it's disgraceful to contaminate the family home with crap from the office.)

 

I'm not saying that a spouse shouldn't be supportive, and I'm not saying that a spouse shouldn't be caring and gentle in times of stress with the spouse. I'm just saying - which goes back to my original statement - that the primary responsibility for dealing with the issue rests with the person with whom the issue resides. The spouse can do their best to create an atmosphere in the house of support but the spouse cannot, by definition, solve the problem that resides in the other party - whether that's PMS with a woman, teenage angst with a child, depression in a husband or the loneliness of a grandparent.