fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Staying friends with an ex...Is this possible? I've never wanted to before. Gave it the old college try today. Failed miserably. The whole time we were together, she wears jeans or athletic pants. Today she shows up to the movies (Avengers 2) wearing a skirt. It only got worse from there. Up until today, I thought that I'd been OK with the break up. But seeing her in person, knocked the wind out of me. I could tell that the feeling was mutual on her end. She called me tonight. At first she tried to put on a brave face and say we could still try to be friends. I shot it down instantly. Then she admitted how attracted she still is to me, and how much my reaction to the skirt turned her on. I mean she knew what she was doing when she wore it.Who wears a short skirt to a "friendly" get together? We both agree that neither one of us is over the other and I was honest with my feelings. But I also know she needs space to deal with her life and decide if I have a place in it. So I told her that I'd give her space to live her life, and if she's still feeling good about me she can reach out and we'll see each other. If I don't hear from her again, it will suck. But at the very least, I'll never have to try to be 'friends" with her again. That was my main goal. I'd rather never see her again then go through today over and over.
hunk Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Why don't you just ask her to get back together? Just straight up "i'm still very attracted to you and want a sexual relationship with you, if this isn't going to happen then I have no interested in being friends with you or hanging out like this again" Obviously you could reword it better but give her something along the lines of that. What have you got to lose. She was obviously trying to provoke some kind of response from you with her behavior and I think just assuming the role and telling her you want her wouldn't really be that bad. If you can tell her that's what you want and you're completely willing to walk away if she's not on the same page - I dunno, I feel like it could do the job judging by how you've described your dynamic with this girl. It's basically communicating you want to **** her brains out again but you're completely willing to drop it. I feel like deep down she might want this from you. Your call obviously but I think I would probably do this if I were in your position. It shows you're not gonna mess around, you know what you want but you also know you can do without. At the very least she'll respect this and you won't go through this stupid limbo / purgatory of a fake friendship.
SerCay Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Personally I believe that whenever a person says "I need space to think if you have a place in my life" it usually means "there's no place for you in my life but I love you and I'm comfortable around you so I want to see if thats worth it"....whatever the situation is. I've seen this hundreds of times. It's like when buying clothes, they always say, if you hesitate, don't buy it. When you're not sure it means you don't like it enough. If I were you I wouldn't get myself more involved with her. There's many other sexy women out there. Give her the space she says she needs and focus on yourself meanwhile. Whatever the outcome might be at the end, this way you will hurt the least. Ps. Of course she wore the skirt on purpose. She wanted your attention. Because she knows you'll give it to her. Which on itself gives her an ego boost. So been there, so done that.
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 I think people that succeed at being friends with an ex kind of 'fell in friendship' naturally and it's not something they planned. When it's forced like I am reading in your post it often becomes a frustrating experience. I am reading also a double meaning behind this 'offer of friendship'. There is too much sexual tension still for it to materialize in a healthy fashion. I am suggesting you, like above poster, to simply offer to date each other again.
SoftViolin Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 In my experience - post break up, even very mutual and amicable, people stay "friends" to keep the other person close. Maybe there are feelings, attraction still there, or you are simply comfortable with this person. You are not sure you are ready to fit this person in your life full-time, but you are attracted and they make you smile, laugh, feel good - insert what have you here. Or, as it seems to be in your case, you stay friends hoping you'll stay close to her and on her radar, while she sorts her life out and hopefully doesn't take long doing it. You made the right call by cutting the 'friendship' tie. There is never a way to be friends with an ex, where there are still feelings - someone will be miserable. It hurts and sucks, but we all want to wake up next to someone feeling grateful and happy this person is with us, and knowing for d@mn certain they feel the same way.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 (edited) FFan in my experience it doesn't work for several reasons. Tried this with my ex. One, if she wears anything revealing, it makes me want to jump her. Sadly physical attraction doesn't go away in a breakup. Two, things will go OK for a while, then you think about why you broke up and it can cause bitterness and resentment. Especially if there's another guy now. I'd just cut her out of your life if you can. If you have mutual friends and you can't, just be cordial. The only type of friends that can work is FWB since you're still getting a slice Rarely some people can make it work I guess, I haven't been able to pull it off though. Edited May 4, 2015 by barcode88
Author fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Why don't you just ask her to get back together? Just straight up "i'm still very attracted to you and want a sexual relationship with you, if this isn't going to happen then I have no interested in being friends with you or hanging out like this again" Obviously you could reword it better but give her something along the lines of that. What have you got to lose. She was obviously trying to provoke some kind of response from you with her behavior and I think just assuming the role and telling her you want her wouldn't really be that bad. If you can tell her that's what you want and you're completely willing to walk away if she's not on the same page - I dunno, I feel like it could do the job judging by how you've described your dynamic with this girl. It's basically communicating you want to **** her brains out again but you're completely willing to drop it. I feel like deep down she might want this from you. Your call obviously but I think I would probably do this if I were in your position. It shows you're not gonna mess around, you know what you want but you also know you can do without. At the very least she'll respect this and you won't go through this stupid limbo / purgatory of a fake friendship. Hmm.. I think you misunderstood my opening post man. That's exactly what I did. She called me last night because she could tell that neither one of us is over the other. At first she tried to put on a brave face by saying we could still try to be friends. But as I said, I shot that down. Was honest that I am still attracted, want her sexually, and have no interest in friendship based on how it was being around each other. Then she admitted how she is still extremely attracted to me as well, liked my reaction to the skirt, etc. But just because we had one tension filled afternoon at the movies and still want each other sexually, doesn't mean we should get back together either. The last thing I want is to have a few sexually charged weeks only for her to back out and realize she made a mistake. That's why I told her that I was giving her time and space to live her life and process what she wants. She knows that if she reaches out it will be because she wants to try again. Do I hope to hear from her eventually? Yes. But, either way she knows that I would never settle for friendship with her. That was my main goal. So at this point, unless I hear from her, she is out of my life and I am not chasing after her.
hunk Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Ah ****, sorry dude I didn't think you'd actually straight up told her that, I thought you had just said you told her you didn't want to be friends but nothing else. In that case then, going back to NC is your only option. We both know you're going to hear from her in the next few weeks, and when you do you need to assess based on the quality of her contact and what she says. You've already got this and know what you need to do, there's nothing really more to add. Just be real with yourself regarding whether or not it's the relationship you want with her or the physical intimacy and hookups for the sake of old times and because you're just both super attracted to each other.
Author fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Ah ****, sorry dude I didn't think you'd actually straight up told her that, I thought you had just said you told her you didn't want to be friends but nothing else. In that case then, going back to NC is your only option. We both know you're going to hear from her in the next few weeks, and when you do you need to assess based on the quality of her contact and what she says. You've already got this and know what you need to do, there's nothing really more to add. Just be real with yourself regarding whether or not it's the relationship you want with her or the physical intimacy and hookups for the sake of old times and because you're just both super attracted to each other. Yep exactly. Back when we were together. the main problem arose when I brought up seeing each other more often. Up until then it had been 2x a week which doable to her with her hectic life. The problem though, is that she assumed that would always be enough for me. So after I brought it up, she started becoming distant, not wanting to flirt, admit sexual excitement, etc.. Since she was now questioning things, she didn't feel comfortable anymore. That's why we talked and both agreed it wasn't a great fit because her life isn't changing any time soon. But based on yesterday, we were both in denial. Obviously we still want each other. However, she needs to decide whether it is simply attraction based or if she genuinely wants to be with me. I mean I could easily get her to spend more time with me again, seduce her, and remind her why she considered me the best sex of her life. But just sex was never my interest with her. My sexual attraction is based on how much I like her as a person and I could never be in something only sexual with her. That's why I am allowing her time and space to process what yesterday meant to her.
jen1447 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 I'm friends with most of my exes to some extent. It can work but you (mainly the dumper or person with the emotional advantage) have to apply a very precise set of rules that exist around a new set of boundaries. That doesn't include wearing sexy outfits and trying to seduce each other. It's friendship and emotional support without hope of romantic reconciliation. 1
Author fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Jen, I don't know how they do it. Based on your personality, I know you're no slouch in bed, and physically you're a knockout. So they're stronger than me. But yep. Fri she sends me a text saying how excited she is and then Sun she shows up in a skirt even though we're attempting to be "friends". I'm definitely not a saint and the idea of having "forbidden fruit" is hot. Making her admit how much she's missed me in bed, etc.. But if I seduce her when she is still on the fence, all I get is a fling. If I'm going to have her, I want all of her. That takes time and space for her to process what she wants. Granted giving her space will be hard. But it has to be done.
Lokin4AReason Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 after at what my soon to be X has done to me, no way in hell ( even if it freezes over ) I can be friend(s) w/ her .. shes on her own ... and I am not looking back ( better off w/o her, she was nothing but negative ) ...
Author fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 after at what my soon to be X has done to me, no way in hell ( even if it freezes over ) I can be friend(s) w/ her .. shes on her own ... and I am not looking back ( better off w/o her, she was nothing but negative ) ... That sucks man. It's a shame when exes can't have an amicable parting of ways. I've had a few that ended badly. But for the most part, all my exes and I parted on relatively good terms. I've just never believed in remaining friends. If it's someone that you've had sex with that you're attracted to, it's just way too hard to feel platonic around her. With this ex, I honestly thought I was fine with it. Since we've been broken up, I haven't been pining or missing her. Just glad for the time I spent with her and being accepting of the differences. But when I spent time with her yesterday, I was brought back to reality.
jen1447 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Jen, I don't know how they do it. Based on your personality, I know you're no slouch in bed, and physically you're a knockout. So they're stronger than me. But yep. Fri she sends me a text saying how excited she is and then Sun she shows up in a skirt even though we're attempting to be "friends". I'm definitely not a saint and the idea of having "forbidden fruit" is hot. Making her admit how much she's missed me in bed, etc.. But if I seduce her when she is still on the fence, all I get is a fling. If I'm going to have her, I want all of her. That takes time and space for her to process what she wants. Granted giving her space will be hard. But it has to be done. Neither of you are well-suited to post-romance friendship then. It's not the exes who do it btw, it's me. I make it absolutely clear the romance is over without actually socially rejecting them, and then proceed with that as the new foundation. Usually the way it works is they cry to me on the phone and stuff like that for a while (and I always take their calls), then eventually with my help they get to stand on their own two feet again, and after a while the contact dwindles down to real friends/acquaintances levels. But they have the advantage of not having to suffer major social rejection (that's what all dumpees go thru) and they can move on more quickly. But they never once get any mixed messages from me. lol, I've actually done that when I was 'dumped' too, by an ex who struggled mightily with having to dump me. I helped him do it and move on. (He was an artist/carry the weight of the world type.) 1
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Time to let go. I agree there is just the physical attraction that is appealing, but the same old problems/issues are still going to be there. You broke up for a reason....the issues couldn't be resolved. You both are just going through separation anxiety, and all you both need to do is go no contact so you can adjust to not being together anymore. It's not a bad thing to go no contact even tho you feel panicked emotionally. In time that will fade along with everything else. Staying friends is just prolonging the pain, and is not the healthiest way to heal your aching heart. 1
Author fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Neither of you are well-suited to post-romance friendship then. It's not the exes who do it btw, it's me. I make it absolutely clear the romance is over without actually socially rejecting them, and then proceed with that as the new foundation. Usually the way it works is they cry to me on the phone and stuff like that for a while (and I always take their calls), then eventually with my help they get to stand on their own two feet again, and after a while the contact dwindles down to real friends/acquaintances levels. But they have the advantage of not having to suffer major social rejection (that's what all dumpees go thru) and they can move on more quickly. But they never once get any mixed messages from me. lol, I've actually done that when I was 'dumped' too, by an ex who struggled mightily with having to dump me. I helped him do it and move on. (He was an artist/carry the weight of the world type.) So you're usually the one that ends things. Same with me. Also, I'm sure you're extremely clear about the rules and where you stand. You're a blunt, direct, straight shooter. So I doubt you'd lead anyone on. But trying to look at it from their POV, I don't see how they could accept crawling back just for friendship. Real life isn't porn. So there are a lot of beautiful women that rely on their looks and can get lazy in bed. However, a beautiful woman with skills, that's like a unicorn. I mean there is a reason why guys are breaking down into tears over you woman. So that's why I'd be honest, say I could never be platonic, and cut my losses. For me, it would be like being around my favorite food all the time and never being allowed to eat. Torture. Haha
jen1447 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 They're certainly free to stop contacting me at any time, but look at all the people here who post about "going NC." It's enormously difficult, and not just for my exes. Very few people who actually have the olive branch extended will refuse it, and as long as you're firm and unwavering about what you're offering, it doesn't result in more turmoil for them. Instead it makes the separation easier. I'm not just straight up gone like so many other exes are, I'm just a phone call away. That's comforting without being misleading, and what people in that boat need most is comfort.
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 It takes a LONG time to be friends with an EX I am actually friendly with 2. Both I have posted about. One was my HS BF -- it was a very innocent relationship of short duration 30 years ago. Hadn't talk to him in years. Bumped into him at my high school reunion. He & my husband hit it off & they became friends so now the 2 couples do stuff together. The other was my grad school BF. 20+ years later our careers caused us to routinely cross paths. We have seen each other at work about every 6-12 weeks for the past 4 years. About 2 years ago, he offered me a lucrative short term partnership, which I accepted after talking to my husband. DH was only OK with it because it didn't require the EX & me to be in the same place at the same time. He was actually paying me well to attend something on his behalf that he could not get to. As long as their is an inkling of sexual desire there, you can't be friends. So it's best not to try. That is not so say you need to be rude or impolite when fate throws you together by chance, but no reaching out & going on quasi dates. 1
Author fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 (edited) They're certainly free to stop contacting me at any time, but look at all the people here who post about "going NC." It's enormously difficult, and not just for my exes. Very few people who actually have the olive branch extended will refuse it, and as long as you're firm and unwavering about what you're offering, it doesn't result in more turmoil for them. Instead it makes the separation easier. I'm not just straight up gone like so many other exes are, I'm just a phone call away. That's comforting without being misleading, and what people in that boat need most is comfort. In a way though, it makes it harder. When someone ignores you, it gives you closure and brings you back to reality. When they're there for you, but at a distance all it gives you is false hope and frustration. There's only been one ex I've had a really hard time getting over. Since our problems were always based on outside factors in her life, and not us as a couple, I missed her. In my mind if enough time passed, maybe her life would be different and we could try again. She'd respond instantly to my text, we'd chat, flirt, etc.. Then I'd call to make plans and she'd say maybe. So I tried walking away, but couldn't get her out of my head. Tried a few months later, and same thing. Instant response, great convos, and "maybe". Gave it a few months and tried one last time. Same thing. All I really wanted was for her to ignore me to give me that sense of closure. But she never did. Even though she did care about me and was trying to help me in her own way, I also think her ego liked the fact that the guy who broke up with her couldn't get over her. Edited May 4, 2015 by fitnessfan365
SingleDude Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Staying friends with an ex...Is this possible? Yes, I'm friends with one after a six month deal and great friends with my ex-wife after a ten year deal. It is very possible.
jen1447 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 In a way though, it makes it harder. When someone ignores you, it gives you closure and brings you back to reality. When they're there for you, but at a distance all it gives you is false hope and frustration. That's not my experience at all. I don't think ignoring = closure, closure = answers. And there's no false hope if you don't give any. And your ex didn't do you any favors by saying "maybe." Mixed messages. 2
Phoe Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 I personally have never done it. 4 exes. 1 of whom I would've liked to be friends with but, knew it would never be possible. The other 3 I want nothing to do with. Ever. *shudders*
lana-banana Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 However, a beautiful woman with skills, that's like a unicorn. Seriously? 1
PogoStick Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Just get another girlfriend or two so that you don't need her anymore. That takes the pressure off. Then you can just invite her over once in a while for a fun hookup.
katiegrl Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Hmm.. I think you misunderstood my opening post man. That's exactly what I did. She called me last night because she could tell that neither one of us is over the other. At first she tried to put on a brave face by saying we could still try to be friends. But as I said, I shot that down. Was honest that I am still attracted, want her sexually, and have no interest in friendship based on how it was being around each other. Then she admitted how she is still extremely attracted to me as well, liked my reaction to the skirt, etc. But just because we had one tension filled afternoon at the movies and still want each other sexually, doesn't mean we should get back together either. The last thing I want is to have a few sexually charged weeks only for her to back out and realize she made a mistake. That's why I told her that I was giving her time and space to live her life and process what she wants. She knows that if she reaches out it will be because she wants to try again. Do I hope to hear from her eventually? Yes. But, either way she knows that I would never settle for friendship with her. That was my main goal. So at this point, unless I hear from her, she is out of my life and I am not chasing after her. So you broke up because you wanted more time (at least 3 days per week), and she wasn't able to give you more time. So even if she did reach out and want to try again, would you be okay with only two times per week like it was before you broke up? Or would you only want her back on your terms of 3+ times per week? You weren't clear on that... In any event, being that you are both still so attracted to each other, I don't see how a friendship could possibly work. And not sure what her motive was with the short dress... seems like kind of a tease which actually isn't very nice IMO.
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