bigsteve1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 My ex left me around 3 yrs ago cause she wanted to have a child , i had a operation so i couldnt have anymore , well she had one and broke up with the guy now she wants to get back with me ...what should i do
Tone Loc Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Was she the one who broke it off? If so, then you certainly shouldn't ever get back with her, you shouldn't even entertain such a notion. If however you both agreed to part ways based on your differences, then that changes the situation. She had a kid with someone else and now that she got what she wanted, she wants to get back with you...after a three year time span...it's really not my place to tell you what to do with your life, I'm not qualified or experienced to offer any useful insight but mind is screaming to say "absolutely don't get back with her, walk away for good". But again, it's probably not my place to say that.
ravfour4 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 If the only reason she ended things is because she wanted to have kids and you were unable and the break up was relatively civil, it could potentially work. Be careful though, she may just be rebounding after things with this other guy fell apart. What do you want to do? Did you miss her a lot these past 3 years? Had you been with anyone else in the interim?
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Yes i never wanted the break up ...i dated alot and it just wasn't same she would try to contact me and e mail me but i refused to reply ... she wanted to have the "family " thing but as a guy that went thro that with two ex's i told her kids dont make you happy you can love your kids but you need that partner to spend life with
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 im here cause i need to hear different sides of things so its ok please give me your opinion ... my pride says "NO" but my heart says let her come back
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 im here cause i need to hear different sides of things so its ok please give me your opinion ... my pride says "NO" but my heart says let her come back What does your brain say? Pride is a response that is not logical or emotional. Nobody here will be able to answer your question. This is all about what you want and what you can live with. People change a lot in 3 years so she may not even be the same person.
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 I am not the same person , for sure my kids are older i am older , but i wont lie since she left i have this void that no other woman has filled , (my fault too cause she hurt me so bad) i wouldnt really give another woman a "real" chance with me . When i talk to her she tells me how much she misses me and she still loves me ...AUH!!
ravfour4 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 A few questions: -have you kept in contact since the break up? Have you seen her recently and still felt feelings? -if she really hurt you and didn't really care how you felt, remind yourself of that because she could certainly do it again -what do you think the chances are of things working out if you got back together?
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Very good questions 1) yes we kept in contact all through her pregnancy , she wanted to get back then but i just couldnt i was very angry she left me, we talked up till the baby was born then i finally cut it off 2)God i do everyday , but she told me she wanted that fair tale kids husband and i couldnt give her kids so yes i think about her leaving me again..but i will say that in the 4 yrs we dated we never broke up ONCE 3) if we got back together it would work out .. i just have to let things go ..im a proud man so my heart and pride were damaged
ravfour4 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Was she talking about getting back with you while with her child's dad? If so, I'm sure you liked that to some extent, but its not a good sign of a loyal woman. If that guy was/is out of the picture, I'd think this could work out. If you both love each other, this was the main/sole reason for the breakup and you think you can make it work - go for it. Who cares about pride if the end result is you super happy with this woman. Just take it slow and see how it goes.
Methodical Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 This is a situation where you have to decide what's best for you. All indications are pointing to you having unresolved feelings, which is why the breakup hurt you. You have children that are older so you know from experience the love you have for your child is unconditional. A couple words of caution with my interjected thoughts, lol. Raising a child is no easy task and part of me is wondering if she is using you as a fallback guy...not saying she doesn't have feelings for you, just speculating that she may just now be realizing that rearing a child is a fulltime job, in and of itself. Since you are contemplating opening this door again, clear boundaries need to be established before hand bc the child is a part of her life and a LTR basically means you have to accept her child as much as you accept her. How do you feel about this?
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Thank you "RAVFOUR4" yes she even told me that since i didnt come back to her she gave him another chance but she couldnt do it, he asked her to marry her and she said yes , then she decided it wasnt for her (when she told me that ..i fell too my knee's ) but she has asked me to come back many times but in 30 something yrs i have never been broken hearted till her
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Methodical i raised 4 kids actually the 3rd one isnt biologically mine so raising kids is not the issue for me , its really about the broken heart thing , i really loved her and her leaving me cause of the kids thing really hurt, no fighting , no cheating it might be hard at first with her child , but im sure if i choose that road i can get over it
Methodical Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Good for you! Just from what you've said, you won't be content until you have closure and the only way to get that is to give this a chance. Either the void will be filled or you'll know you tried and it wasn't meant to be. 1
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Yes I agree the only thing i'm scared of is it took me so long to work on feeling better and getting over her , im afraid that if i try and fail it will set me back months maybe yrs . i haven't dated seriously since her " Gwyneth Paltrow dated Brad Pitt and she said it took her 5 years to get over him
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Yes I agree the only thing i'm scared of is it took me so long to work on feeling better and getting over her , im afraid that if i try and fail it will set me back months maybe yrs . i haven't dated seriously since her " Gwyneth Paltrow dated Brad Pitt and she said it took her 5 years to get over him Is that risk worth the potential reward? I sympathize with you a bit. I'd like to think that I would be open to her if I were in your exact situation. But I'm not in that situation so I can't say for certain what I would do or how I would feel. I think a face to face conversation with her would be the easiest deciding factor. Meet for coffee or something and get to know present day her. Don't focus on progressing the relationship or anything, just get to know her.
gnick Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 I would tell her that you are no longer interested in her now that she has a kid to worry about
spiderowl Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Yes i never wanted the break up ...i dated alot and it just wasn't same she would try to contact me and e mail me but i refused to reply ... she wanted to have the "family " thing but as a guy that went thro that with two ex's i told her kids dont make you happy you can love your kids but you need that partner to spend life with So, are you saying she didn't have any children? If so, of course she'd want a family. Your saying what you said above might be true for some, but many women have a strong instinct towards children and a comment such as yours above would be hurtful and demonstrate a lack of understanding. In those circumstances, I can see why she left. Having said the above, should you get back with her? That's up to you. I think she had good reason to leave if she felt you lacked understanding, but then again if that was the case why would she want to get back together? Maybe it's just that you've both moved on and the original reasons for the split no longer apply. It depends really whether you can forgive her for leaving or not. If you know you will remain hurt about this, then think twice.
RocketQueen Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Hi, this is quite a dilemma. Is the only reason you broke up because you weren't able to have a baby with her? Was the relationship good other than that? If your answer is yes I think it puts the situation in a different light. You already had your children but I understand a woman's need and desire to have a baby of their own- given the situation it would seem the only options were for her to resign herself to the fact that she would never have a baby with you or call it a day and seek that future elsewhere...that doesn't mean she didn't love you. It may well be that she tried desperately to have that family life with the father of her baby but that the only thing she REALLY wanted was a baby and her heart was always with you? If she still is the one who you think about maybe you owe it to yourself to hear her out, yes it will be difficult. You say in three years you haven't truly moved on, maybe there's a reason for that. It's not going to be easy and if you're going to reconcile it needs to be a slow process. Sometimes pride has to take a back seat. Keep us updated.
SciFiWriter Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Personally, I'd be heading for the hills pdq !! Start asking some very pointed questions if you're even considering entertaining the idea of reconciling. And, if you even suspect that she's BS-ing you - run, Forrest, run!!! (1) How do you stand financially in relation to bio-daddy? Are you better off financially/resources-wise? Are you financially stable etc; own house, car, family network etc ? ie a much better bet as a provider/[step] father than bio-daddy? (2) Is bio-daddy providing for the child? Does she have sufficient means to support the child on her own if she decides that you and she are not working out? If she's being cagey or vague about it - run, Forrest, run!! You are not obliged to pay for/support a child to remain in a relationship with the mother. If she expects that sort of a deal - big big big big red flag warning!! (3) If she - as she appears to have claimed - has dumped him, then, obviously, it wasn't working for her. The reasons may be many and numerous. He may not have been the 'settling-down' type and now you are the better option. She has gotten what she needs from her chosen genetic material provider and may now be looking for her retirement plan/meal ticket. Remember - in some states/countries there is something called 'paternity by estoppel'. Where you willingly take on the responsibilities of the father, the law is then quite happy to hand you the financial and legal obligations for the child if the relationship breaks up - even when the child isn't biologically yours. And, let's face it - she's already dumped you and bio-daddy (allegedly) so, she's got a track record on that score! Certainly - do not EVER (and I mean EVER) move her and this child into your house/home; even in an emergency! (4) Does bio-daddy have any kind of relationship with this child? Does he have visitation/access/joint-custody rights? If he's done a runner, then start asking yourself about the choices she has made! And, then about her decision to try to reconcile with you!! If he is going to be part of the child's life, then there's going to be the element of contact with the child to decide. He will become a part of your life as well as theirs - can you handle that?? (5) That also raises the question of contact between bio-daddy and her. Do you still trust her not to renew their acquaintance - even for a bit of extra-curricular 'jollies'?? Then, she'd be getting the best of both worlds - at your and his expense - she gets the 'jollies' from bio-daddy and the emotional/financial support from you! (6) Essentially - you will become the equivalent of an invited guest in this particular mother-child family unit in terms of any rights - unless you adopt the child. Invited guests can very easily overstay their welcome and become univited! So, be very very very very careful here - you may well have a great deal to lose if the relationship fails. Good luck big guy!
dave_1966 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 I've got to be honest, once someone did all that to me I'd never want to see them again. I would just hate to think I was being manipulated or used by someone with a mouth to feed. Sorry for being blunt.
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 gnick that wouldnt be fair ..i have 4 kids (yes there all older ) but she accepted them with no hesitation , i had my two youngest daughters every other weekend the first yr and a half of our relationship. people still date with kids .its just alittle hard for me cause she was with me before
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 no spiderowl what i was trying to say was kids alone wont make you happy, she thought that if she had kids all would be right , now she has one and she even told me having kids is great but to have a partner makes her complete , ask all the single parents out there it gets lonely ..loving kids is a different love, you still need that passion in life
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 yes RocketQueen we were perfect we fought but never broke up once .. wow you are very insightful yes it was like that she did try , but like i said she would constantly try to contact me but being a stubburn and having way too much pride i refused to answer I relized that i do still love her just hurt that she left me , but as a parent i understand (doesnt mean i have to like it tho )
Author bigsteve1966 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 no dave_1966 she isnt using me the father wants to marry her remember but she said it didnt work out , yes im sure she doesnt want be alone with a new child what woman would , if i told her no she would have moved on , if i told her i was with someone she would have moved on ..but i was way too hurt . broken hearted , yes i did date alot actually but in the end they werent her
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