If some break ups are for the best, then why is it so hard to let go?

May 3, 2015

Let's say your partner dumps you or you choose to dump them for whatever reason. It could be that they cheated on you, or perhaps they don't love you anymore (or you don't love them), or perhaps it's a toxic relationship with elements of abuse of whatever sort...it could be any reason. In such situations, most people would tell you that a break up is for the best and you try to convince yourself of this, but why do we second guess our decisions and why do we dwell on our choices and mistakes? Why is it so hard to move forward and have no regrets or second thoughts and pretend that you're better off?

I'm asking this because as much as I've tried to convince myself that I'm better off without her (for a multitude of reasons), almost every instinct is telling me that I should be with her. I'm struggling to accept this idea that somehow I'm meant to be better off without her in my life. I'm not convinced by this, not one bit, and I can't help but feel guilty for letting her go. It's very confusing.

I'd be interested to hear some of your thoughts.

Cheers.

May 4, 2015

how can you feel guilty for letting someone go?

May 4, 2015

how can you feel guilty for letting someone go?

Guilty because I love her, I didn't handle things well at all, said some unforgivable things. Losing her would mean losing someone that I shared a bond with, a connection unlike any other that I've experienced, I became incredibly attached to her. And I made bad mistakes, I really hurt her, so there's guilt because of that.

I'll quote a character from one of my favourite TV shows, he said this:

"I thought if I could get over her, I could get over anything. I could endure. Conquer. Be a man, stand up to any and all kinds of punishment. I clung to an empty, spinning bed for months. And that... that was when I finally realized how much I loved her. If I needed all that strength, what was the point? I needed to be with her."

That's pretty much how I feel. I replaced her with new women but she's the only one that I really want, so I'm questioning what I'm doing. I haven't found a girl that can match her, but I think I'm still going through a phase where my judgement is clouded.

Sorry for the rant...

May 4, 2015

you're only human, as is she. Don't think about it from such an emotional view point. Think about it logically. Turn the break up into motivation. Since my breakup a couple months ago, I've turned it into something to motivate me to higher levels than I've ever been at in my life. You should do the same. You can always turn negative emotions and feelings into positive ones. You just have to do it. If she's the one and you believe so, then she'll be back. But by that time you'll probably be over it and be a better you.

May 4, 2015

you're only human, as is she. Don't think about it from such an emotional view point. Think about it logically. Turn the break up into motivation. Since my breakup a couple months ago, I've turned it into something to motivate me to higher levels than I've ever been at in my life. You should do the same. You can always turn negative emotions and feelings into positive ones. You just have to do it. If she's the one and you believe so, then she'll be back. But by that time you'll probably be over it and be a better you.

Thank you for your comment. I'm already starting to see the positive things in this experience. But the longer this process drags out, the more I find myself questioning what I truly want. My mind is in full denial, I'm trying to convince myself I don't want her. But the truth is, I don't want to get over her. We promised each other we'd always stick together and I betrayed that promise. My feelings for her never changed or lessened, it's all still there. But I do understand what you mean. Some good things did come out of it, I learned more about myself (found out I'm a horrible person) and learned some important lessons. But I'm very confused still. It's still early days for me.

May 4, 2015

Mind being a bit more specific? Why did you terminate the relationship? Having that information is necessary to offer sound advice. If abuse was involved, for example, then you absolutely needed to remove yourself from a toxic environment. If you terminated it bc she gain ten pounds, that's another ball of wax, so the reasons you are using to convince yourself would be insightful .

May 4, 2015

Mind being a bit more specific? Why did you terminate the relationship? Having that information is necessary to offer sound advice. If abuse was involved, for example, then you absolutely needed to remove yourself from a toxic environment. If you terminated it bc she gain ten pounds, that's another ball of wax, so the reasons you are using to convince yourself would be insightful .

Hi, thanks for your comment.

The reason I left the relationship is because I hurt her very, very badly, broke her trust and pretty much ruined her life, I felt eventually that she's better off without me and it's probably healthy for me to break up with her and it's healthy for her to be without me because I've been nothing but a bad influence in her life. She was physically very abusive toward me but I didn't mind that tbh, I can live with that because I love her. Also, she did gain weight but that was never an issue for me (though it was a huge issue for her).

Yes she's definitely better off without me. I made her cry every day, cheated on her, insulted her and made her feel worthless. As much as it hurts to leave her behind, that's what's best for her (but not for me). Truthfully I'm selfish, I still want her because I'm happy being with her. I've never had a friend like her. Being with two other different women has made me realise what I'm missing out on, neither of them can give me what she gave me even though they're both much older than her. But the truth is, I'm a despicable, vile being, I cannot deny that. And it's wrong for me to keep a girl who's blindly in love with me only then to go on and hurt her and destroy her life, it has to stop. But the selfish part of me is struggling to accept that, I need her, so badly.

I keep on rambling, sorry.

Edited May 4, 2015 by Tone Loc

May 4, 2015

While you may have done some bad things, I think you're taking on too much of the blame of what happened.

In your other post you mentioned she was talking to her ex, emotionally unstable, physically abusive and cheated on you. It sounds like you both hurt each other.

My ex of 4 years broke up with me a few months ago while my father was passing away and hopped into a relationship with a much older man going through a divorce, our relationship had been mostly great up until that point, no other break-ups before. At first I was mad, then I started to blame myself "if I had only been nicer and more intimate, she wouldn't have felt the need to leave", but in reality....I was being a jerk to her for a reason. She had become distant, was terrible at communicating her thoughts, wasn't making an effort to grow and just wasn't there for me when I needed her most. So yeah, I was being distant, but it's because she was distant first. A relationship is a two-way thing, both people play a role in the break-up so don't be so hard on yourself.

May 4, 2015

Hi, thanks for your comment.

The reason I left the relationship is because I hurt her very, very badly, broke her trust and pretty much ruined her life, I felt eventually that she's better off without me and it's probably healthy for me to break up with her and it's healthy for her to be without me because I've been nothing but a bad influence in her life. She was physically very abusive toward me but I didn't mind that tbh, I can live with that because I love her. Also, she did gain weight but that was never an issue for me (though it was a huge issue for her).

Yes she's definitely better off without me. I made her cry every day, cheated on her, insulted her and made her feel worthless. As much as it hurts to leave her behind, that's what's best for her (but not for me). Truthfully I'm selfish, I still want her because I'm happy being with her. I've never had a friend like her. Being with two other different women has made me realise what I'm missing out on, neither of them can give me what she gave me even though they're both much older than her. But the truth is, I'm a despicable, vile being, I cannot deny that. And it's wrong for me to keep a girl who's blindly in love with me only then to go on and hurt her and destroy her life, it has to stop. But the selfish part of me is struggling to accept that, I need her, so badly.

I keep on rambling, sorry.

Don't you think if you feel this way just because you don't have something you once had for quite some time? Like a little kid with a toy, he might not play with it but when you take it, he throws a fit. I'm only saying this because if you truly loved her and she was everything to you, you wouldn't cheat or hurt you. Maybe you guys had a great bond but things about her or the relationship made you feel that there was other woman out there that can fill your needs or satisfaction at the moment of time.

I'm thinking you're missing the bond of being around someone and that connection you shared with someone. You could easily took her for granted or didn't know what you had till it was gone but choosing the things you did and breaking up with her was not only better for her but better for you. Sometimes you need those rough patches or slap in the face moments to help you realize and understand better for the next person to walk into your life. To help you grow and not choose the things to hurt the girl.

I could be totally wrong but I'm saying this because I feel like I took my ex for granted. However, she broke up with me because she wasn't happy anymore.

Anyways, I think you probably miss the thought of her more than the reality of her. After break ups, we always compare new ones to our exs which means we haven't given ourselves enough time to cope and move on.

But if I'm wrong and you strongly feel like she's the one you truly want a future with then maybe you should improve on yourself, better yourself. So when the time is right, you two can build even a better and stronger relationship with each other.

May 4, 2015

While you may have done some bad things, I think you're taking on too much of the blame of what happened.

In your other post you mentioned she was talking to her ex, emotionally unstable, physically abusive and cheated on you. It sounds like you both hurt each other.

My ex of 4 years broke up with me a few months ago while my father was passing away and hopped into a relationship with a much older man going through a divorce, our relationship had been mostly great up until that point, no other break-ups before. At first I was mad, then I started to blame myself "if I had only been nicer and more intimate, she wouldn't have felt the need to leave", but in reality....I was being a jerk to her for a reason. She had become distant, was terrible at communicating her thoughts, wasn't making an effort to grow and just wasn't there for me when I needed her most. So yeah, I was being distant, but it's because she was distant first. A relationship is a two-way thing, both people play a role in the break-up so don't be so hard on yourself.

Hi ravfour4, thank you for your comment.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad passing and your relationship ending, I can't imagine what that's like. You know, what you wrote really strikes a chord with me, about the part where you felt like you started to treat her badly because she was being a bad girlfriend. I think I went through the same thing, I started to drive and push my ex away because she was becoming too difficult. Still though, no matter how bad she acted, to this day I still love her, we were together for 9 months and we went through so many ups and downs yet I never stopped loving her for a second, she makes me weak.

I hope things are okay for you with your breakup and the passing away of your father, really sorry again to hear about that. Are you getting on okay? Still thinking about her or have you moved on? Do you have any second thoughts or what ifs, would you take her back if she came to you and told you she wanted to be with you or has too much damage been done do you think? Sorry for the barrage of questions, you don't have to answer them all or any of them.

May 4, 2015

Don't you think if you feel this way just because you don't have something you once had for quite some time? Like a little kid with a toy, he might not play with it but when you take it, he throws a fit. I'm only saying this because if you truly loved her and she was everything to you, you wouldn't cheat or hurt you. Maybe you guys had a great bond but things about her or the relationship made you feel that there was other woman out there that can fill your needs or satisfaction at the moment of time.

I'm thinking you're missing the bond of being around someone and that connection you shared with someone. You could easily took her for granted or didn't know what you had till it was gone but choosing the things you did and breaking up with her was not only better for her but better for you. Sometimes you need those rough patches or slap in the face moments to help you realize and understand better for the next person to walk into your life. To help you grow and not choose the things to hurt the girl.

I could be totally wrong but I'm saying this because I feel like I took my ex for granted. However, she broke up with me because she wasn't happy anymore.

Anyways, I think you probably miss the thought of her more than the reality of her. After break ups, we always compare new ones to our exs which means we haven't given ourselves enough time to cope and move on.

But if I'm wrong and you strongly feel like she's the one you truly want a future with then maybe you should improve on yourself, better yourself. So when the time is right, you two can build even a better and stronger relationship with each other.

Hi cali dude (I'm from cali too representing pomona). Thank you for your comment.

It must be love what I'm feeling because I'm trying to replace her and always been trying to replace her with other women, but no other woman can do for me what she does for me. I've got two girls now and one girl previously, none of them are as good as the girl that I want, the only one that I love. She must be the one, I've been with her for nine months, I know she's a deeply flawed individual with lots of issues (anger issues, violence, trust issues, depression, troubling personality traits, the list goes on). But she's also very beautiful and we're completely comfortable around each other, I've never had a friend like her. I don't care that she hurt me now, maybe you think I'm crazy for thinking like this and maybe I'm a little unhinged, a little offbeat, but the fact is that we're both very attached to each other and it feels so strange to have gone 13 days without contacting her.

I don't know what's wrong with me because I hurt her about a thousand times over the course of nine months get she still stuck by me even through all the trouble I put her through, and I stuck by her despite the fact she's an angry, moody, violent person. It's an attachment on a really deep level, difficult to explain. I did take her for granted, and I know for a fact I don't make her happy and she hates me now, probably wants to see me dead. It's difficult to accept the loss of someone that I've grown to develop such an intense bond with. Even when I'm with my other women, all I'm thinking about is her. I don't want to get graphic, apologies, but even when I'm being intimate with other women (I think you know what I mean) all I'm thinking about is this girl, wishing it was here that I was with instead of the other women. She's not even that great but I need her, I can't be without her. So how am I supposed to live without her, because every other woman is going to be second best to her, I can't have what I want. And it's best for her, she's better off without me.

Tldr : don't worry, it's just a wall of text me rambling

May 4, 2015

Hi cali dude (I'm from cali too representing pomona). Thank you for your comment.

It must be love what I'm feeling because I'm trying to replace her and always been trying to replace her with other women, but no other woman can do for me what she does for me. I've got two girls now and one girl previously, none of them are as good as the girl that I want, the only one that I love. She must be the one, I've been with her for nine months, I know she's a deeply flawed individual with lots of issues (anger issues, violence, trust issues, depression, troubling personality traits, the list goes on). But she's also very beautiful and we're completely comfortable around each other, I've never had a friend like her. I don't care that she hurt me now, maybe you think I'm crazy for thinking like this and maybe I'm a little unhinged, a little offbeat, but the fact is that we're both very attached to each other and it feels so strange to have gone 13 days without contacting her.

I don't know what's wrong with me because I hurt her about a thousand times over the course of nine months get she still stuck by me even through all the trouble I put her through, and I stuck by her despite the fact she's an angry, moody, violent person. It's an attachment on a really deep level, difficult to explain. I did take her for granted, and I know for a fact I don't make her happy and she hates me now, probably wants to see me dead. It's difficult to accept the loss of someone that I've grown to develop such an intense bond with. Even when I'm with my other women, all I'm thinking about is her. I don't want to get graphic, apologies, but even when I'm being intimate with other women (I think you know what I mean) all I'm thinking about is this girl, wishing it was here that I was with instead of the other women. She's not even that great but I need her, I can't be without her. So how am I supposed to live without her, because every other woman is going to be second best to her, I can't have what I want. And it's best for her, she's better off without me.

Tldr : don't worry, it's just a wall of text me rambling

It's completely normal to feel what you're feeling but also know this and understand this, what you feel about your ex now, you won't feel the same in months or in a year. The woman you're with now seems like a rebound for you, someone to get your mind off your ex. You're not ready for another relationship and that's okay, it takes time. You're comparing your ex because you're not over her.

I'm in the process of grieving with my ex of 2.5 years and it's been almost 3 months and I miss her everyday. She was my best friend, she was everything to me but I'm managing and improving myself each and every day which you should do. I hold onto little hope as far as crossing paths again but I won't just sit here and wait. You should do the same; be single, have fun, be around good people, enjoy what you love, improve yourself and if it's meant to be, you guys will find each other again.

At this point, you just have to be strong and let time do its process cause time heals everything. Let this be a lesson to never make the same mistake again because you will find someone that will become your best friend and more. When that happens, remember this feeling so you can be a better you and to have what you want and not take it for granted.

You might always have something little for your ex because she was a good part of your life but feelings fade and your feelings for her will fade. If you guys reconnect then great but if not, that's okay too because you'll find someone that blows your mind away. It always happens.

May 4, 2015

It's completely normal to feel what you're feeling but also know this and understand this, what you feel about your ex now, you won't feel the same in months or in a year. The woman you're with now seems like a rebound for you, someone to get your mind off your ex. You're not ready for another relationship and that's okay, it takes time. You're comparing your ex because you're not over her.

I'm in the process of grieving with my ex of 2.5 years and it's been almost 3 months and I miss her everyday. She was my best friend, she was everything to me but I'm managing and improving myself each and every day which you should do. I hold onto little hope as far as crossing paths again but I won't just sit here and wait. You should do the same; be single, have fun, be around good people, enjoy what you love, improve yourself and if it's meant to be, you guys will find each other again.

At this point, you just have to be strong and let time do its process cause time heals everything. Let this be a lesson to never make the same mistake again because you will find someone that will become your best friend and more. When that happens, remember this feeling so you can be a better you and to have what you want and not take it for granted.

You might always have something little for your ex because she was a good part of your life but feelings fade and your feelings for her will fade. If you guys reconnect then great but if not, that's okay too because you'll find someone that blows your mind away. It always happens.

Thanks for the comment. I'm sorry to hear you've had a break up too, I suppose everyone here is going through a break up or a separation of some description. But some of what you say scares me a little, I don't want the feelings that I have for her to fade. If I lose her for good, it would be a huge loss for me in the long run because I don't see how there can be another woman who is as good as her. It's something I'll have to take responsibility for and accept, and it'll be better for her this way. I could live with that and I'm sure I'll learn to cope, but I know that I'll always love her. I've known it since the beginning.

I just have to accept the loss and move on. I'll have to live knowing that I ruined something which could have led to something great. The logical part of me accepts that completely, but I'm still in the denial phase of this recovery process and I'm very confused. It scares me to think that she'll stop loving me, I need to wake up and smell the roses because she's back with her ex now anyway and he's the one that she wants, so I already have my answers and all the closure that I need, yet it's still hard to accept that. We promised each other we'd always be together no matter what happens. Ahh... I don't know anymore.

May 4, 2015

You let her go because its the best FOR HER, this is what love is all about, how you care for the other person, never mind if you have to sacrifice something for yourself, as long as you protect her, keep her safe and hopefully, she'll find happiness without you.

If you guys are truly meant to be, you will find your way back to each other.

May 4, 2015

Thanks for the comment. I'm sorry to hear you've had a break up too, I suppose everyone here is going through a break up or a separation of some description. But some of what you say scares me a little, I don't want the feelings that I have for her to fade. If I lose her for good, it would be a huge loss for me in the long run because I don't see how there can be another woman who is as good as her. It's something I'll have to take responsibility for and accept, and it'll be better for her this way. I could live with that and I'm sure I'll learn to cope, but I know that I'll always love her. I've known it since the beginning.

I just have to accept the loss and move on. I'll have to live knowing that I ruined something which could have led to something great. The logical part of me accepts that completely, but I'm still in the denial phase of this recovery process and I'm very confused. It scares me to think that she'll stop loving me, I need to wake up and smell the roses because she's back with her ex now anyway and he's the one that she wants, so I already have my answers and all the closure that I need, yet it's still hard to accept that. We promised each other we'd always be together no matter what happens. Ahh... I don't know anymore.

I don't want to lose my feelings for my ex either but even if I did and we crossed paths, I know I can fall for her again and again. I'm sure it would be the same for you two. Just let the healing process take its course and if it's meant to be she will come back but if not, don't worry because something better that is made for YOU will come your way. Leave your mind open for what is out there.

I know it's hard, I still have little hope for my situation but you always heal and move on if that's what happens.

May 4, 2015

Try to look at it as a priceless, essential life lesson. That's how i've dealt with my breakup, which was the worst experience i've ever had with another person - I completely destroyed her while she literally gave me 100%, i've never been treated as well by another person as this girl and i threw everything in her face. BUT, it was meant to be. I had to go through that to learn NEVER to treat a person that way again. I didn't even know I was actually capable of behaving how I did. I had to see the pain I was capable of causing another human being in order to realize there were things about me I drastically needed to change, and I have been. I hated myself for a long time but I needed to feel that. Like you, I was a pathetic person. But look at us now - we are reflecting, regretful and upset. We have learned this lesson and we can take it into our next relationship, and every other relationship we ever have with anyone else in our lives. It's a blessing in disguise. We've destroyed the relationship with our exes - but for the sake of being able to have stronger and more fulfilling relationships in the future that will make us and our partner infinitely happier.

Sign In

If some break ups are for the best, then why is it so hard to let go?

Recommended Posts

Tone Loc

casey.lives

Tone Loc

sutsie

Tone Loc

Methodical

Tone Loc

ravfour4

Calidude6

Tone Loc

Tone Loc

Calidude6

Tone Loc

still_an_Angel

Calidude6

hunk

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...