GIGS or something else? :(

[soupdrinker]

Sorry, this is super long, but I wanted to give as much info as possible. I am broken...

 

My boyfriend and I dated for 2 and a half years. It was rocky, admittedly, but we loved each other very much. The issues we had were distance and the fact that we both have three children as we were both married before. Our kids range in age from 4-12. So, we have had our ups and downs with driving an hour and a half to see each other and us both having kids with sports activities and such, but I would spend my free weekends with him, and he would come 1-2 nights during the week and stay the night.

 

Last year he broke up with me twice, 8 months apart. Both times he said he just wasn't sure how the situation would work in a marriage. Admittedly, I had pressured him for engagement because I wanted to make sure our relationship was going to be long-term since we both have children and were both around each other's children a lot.

 

The first time he broke up with me, it only lasted a little over two weeks. He kept trying to text me, saying he missed me and he wished we could be together forever, but that he just couldn't figure out how with the complexity of our situation. We were both on a dating site during that time, and he went out on a date around the week and a half mark. I went out on a date the day before we got back together. I went into NC with him just after his date. I didn't even know he had gone on one, but it was around the day he did that I decided I couldn't talk to him anymore, that it was too painful. I pleaded with him not to contact me, to leave me alone. The night of my date he texted me and basically said he wanted to get back together. He had been crying all day, thinking I was on a date based on a post I made on my FB. We got back together. He was a wonderful boyfriend to me after that for 8 months. Absolutely wonderful.

 

The second time, I had been noticing he was distant for a week or so prior, so I basically forced him into breaking up with me because I knew it was what he wanted. He told me that he loved me but that his feelings were still the same on the situation. I found out he was talking to someone he met on a dating site again (after we broke up), and I confronted him about it, and he insisted she was just a distraction to get over the hurt. I contacted her, and she said nothing sexual or flirtatious was said and that he told her he had just gotten out of a relationship. We ended up back together before the week was over as we stayed in contact, and it evolved. But during that week, I BEGGED him to leave me alone unless he knew he wanted to get back together, that the contact was hurting/killing me.

 

Well, let's just say that he started a new medication in March, and I noticed a huge change in him after that. He went distant again, wasn't really saying he loved me unless I said it first, etc. And just seemed off. Almost three weeks ago I asked him what was up, and he called and said he just felt the same about the situation, that he didn't see how it would work. He said "I don't know 100% that a blended family with 6 kids would work, so I can't make myself commit. I don't want to experiment with 6 kids' lives." So, basically the same reason. He likes my kids, and I like his, but he just can't see us all together. He's a very technical person personally and career-wise, so I get his hesitation. His ex wife also cheated on him with a friend, and they got married. Coincidentally enough, the person she cheated with/married also has 3 kids. They're making it work. I know we could, too. The money is there. The bedrooms are there. It's not like we would be poor with 6 kids stuffed in 2-3 bedrooms. Everyone could have their own room as he has 7.

 

Anyway, so basically we broke it off over the phone. He still liked my business page on FB and still was friends with someone we do double-dates with who is really my friends. I couldn't stand it because it was giving me a glimmer of hope that he didn't want to close the door forever. I contacted him 3 days after phone breakup, and he said it wasn't intentional, that he would unfriend. I asked him to meet with me in person to say goodbye. We met a few days later, so 5 days after phone breakup. We met at a mall halfway between us. He started crying before I did inside the mall. Literally sobbing, holding my hand saying he didn't want this, that it wasn't about me and him, that he loves me, but that he just can't see how it would all work out, and he's not willing to experiment, etc. He said my kids need someone now, every day, and not just once a week, and that he needs someone there for his, too, as he has them 50% of the time. It hurt me so much that he would basically admit he would choose a situation over love. He said it was a tragedy. He also said he didn't know how he would feel in 1 month or 6, but that he knew this was the best decision for now. Something odd to me was that he told me not to go out and sleep with everyone, and I asked why, and he said "Because then I wouldn't WANT to come back."

 

We said goodbye, he gave me his hat, and we agreed not to talk again. I had a panic attack a few days later and reached out again, to let him know and reiterate the fact that I didn't want this. He said he had a rough time too but that he knew it was the best decision for both of our families. I asked if he ever thought he would come back, and he said he didn't know. I said if you're so at peace and you know this is the best decision for our families, how can you NOT know that you WON'T? His response was "Because I don't know. I don't know how I will feel in 1-6 months. I said he must not KNOW it's the right decision for our families then. His response was, "Yes, but how do you know if something is the right decision or not until time goes by?"

 

I asked if we could reconnect in 3 months to see how we both felt, see where we were both at. He said sure. When we reach that point, I have decided I'm not going to contact him...that I will let him wonder why I let July go by. If I haven't heard from him by August, then maybe I'll send a text saying I have some stuff of his and what he wants me to do with it??

I don't know what to do. He always told me I was his best friend, that he never understood people when they said their spouse was their best friend, that he thought it was just something people said. But he said with me, he understood that. He said we have a connection that he's never had before.

 

Is it possible this is a case of GIGS? He basically said without saying it that he would be looking for someone with no kids, possibly 1, so that there were no barriers in his mind about committing. I think that's so stupid, as he will have to have children with them, and what hot single woman in her 30s who doesn't have kids wants to take on 3 of someone else's when she could find someone who also does not have children?? He will still end up with the same amount of children most likely! I feel like he is looking for a unicorn here...hot, successful, independent, no kids, and has that same connection with him that I did, and is crazy about him...

 

Is it possible this is a sudden freakout because he was contemplating engagement and then realized he couldn't do it because he needed to see if he could find something more suitable? It has been 10 days since we texted. I am not itching to contact him, but I do wonder if he will ever reach out/contact me or change his mind? I wonder if he hasn't contact me because it's easy for him or if because he knows based on the last two times that he left me that it hurts me and he wants to be SURE that he wants to commit before coming back...?

 

I really feel like we have something special, but maybe we don't... frown emoticon Does it sound like maybe he met someone else and it gave him the courage to really break up this time?

 

I just don't know what to think or do. I saw how visibly upset he was when he broke up with me, and we have literally texted nonstop throughout the day for the past 2 years. We have always kept in constant contact, so I know he has to be feeling some loss. He told me in text one of the times I contacted him that he had a rough night the night before but that he respected me and didn't contact me even though he knew it would have made him feel better but would have made things worse in the long run.

 

I just wonder if this is GIGS and if he is thinking "This situation isn't ideal for me....I am going to see if I can find what I have with her with someone whose situation I like better...and if not, then I'll go back."

 

I hate feeling thrown away. And I know I shouldn't want him back. And each day, I'm just getting more angry. But he was really my best friend.

[ernie]

Hi,

 

I read your post and I must say my heart goes out to you. I wish I had something positive to say or some words of wisdom but please stay strong

[Jenmarie]

I don't think it's GIGS if he's left 2-3 times already. I think you should let him go and do what's best for yourself. How can you move on if you keep asking him to reconsider? And if he does come back, what is there to say he won't just leave again considering he has left for the same reasons each time?

 

I think you should go NC and focus on yourself and your children for now. I know it's hard and devastating, but if someone had GIGS, they would of eventually came back and realized what they were missing.... he hasn't realized it if he keeps leaving for the same reasons. You're letting him know you'll always be there as a back burner if you keep asking him to reconsider as well.

[soupdrinker]

I don't think it's GIGS if he's left 2-3 times already. I think you should let him go and do what's best for yourself. How can you move on if you keep asking him to reconsider? And if he does come back, what is there to say he won't just leave again considering he has left for the same reasons each time?

 

I think you should go NC and focus on yourself and your children for now. I know it's hard and devastating, but if someone had GIGS, they would of eventually came back and realized what they were missing.... he hasn't realized it if he keeps leaving for the same reasons. You're letting him know you'll always be there as a back burner if you keep asking him to reconsider as well.

 

I get what you mean, but the first time we were only broken up for 2 weeks, and we kept in contact the whole time. He said when he went on his date that he was thinking "What am I doing? This is not X"...

 

The second time was basically the same, but we were only broken up a week.

 

It has only been 10 days since we talked. Maybe this time he feels he needs to get over the panic stage and really see what's out there vs. freaking out and coming back. How can someone with GIGS realize what they had if, like he said, time doesn't go by...?

 

Not trying to make excuses for him, and not saying it's right. But I know that with my ex husband, I didn't realize many of his good qualities and what "I had" in him until later, probably around 6 months after I chose to separate from him.

[soupdrinker]

Hi,

 

I read your post and I must say my heart goes out to you. I wish I had something positive to say or some words of wisdom but please stay strong

 

Thank you

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I find it odd that after a two year relationship when the two of you split it took less than 2 weeks for the both of you to start dating other people!? (Or go on dates rather) After a two year relationship, emotionally stable people take time to heal, not try to hide their feelings of pain & etc by dating other people. I suggest you search baggage reclaim by Natalie Lue. I'm in the process of reading her book because I think my ex was emotionally unavailable (EU) to commit. What is mentioned is people who stay with a man or woman that is emotionally unavailable are also EU as well. Both your actions exhibit signs of being against commitment yet deluding youself you are all for it.

[soupdrinker]

I find it odd that after a two year relationship when the two of you split it took less than 2 weeks for the both of you to start dating other people!? (Or go on dates rather) After a two year relationship' date=' emotionally stable people take time to heal, not try to hide their feelings of pain & etc by dating other people. I suggest you search baggage reclaim by Natalie Lue. I'm in the process of reading her book because I think my ex was emotionally unavailable (EU) to commit. What is mentioned is people who stay with a man or woman that is emotionally unavailable are also EU as well. Both your actions exhibit signs of being against commitment yet deluding youself you are all for it.[/quote']

 

I understand what you are saying. The first breakup happened at the 11-month mark. That's when we both went on the dates. I didn't KNOW he had gone on one, but I found his profile on Match right after we broke up. He had just put it up. He said he was trying to distract himself. So, I guess I was sort of retaliating and also trying to distract my own self. I was really just taking the advice of friends who didn't even know what I was going through.

 

The second breakup was at the 19 month mark, and that's when I found out he got on Match yet again and added a girl to his FB. I messaged her to make sure that he hadn't talked to her before our breakup. She said that he hadn't, that they had met that day.

 

He claimed it was a distraction again, a diversion to distract from the hurt.

 

Honestly, I did not want to be on the date when I went on it, and I knew it was a mistake, regardless of how much I was hurting. For me it was easy to take the advice of my friends to distract my own self because I'm literally alone in the state I live in. My family lives in another state. I moved here when I married my ex. I have a ton of friends, but unfortunately we live in a big city, and they're all sprawled out and have families and obligations of their own and jobs, so they can't always be available physically to me. So I was very lonely...and I made it clear to the guy I went on the date with that I had just broken up with someone and that if anything came of our date that it would be very slow-going. He was fine with it, and he was actually a perfect gentleman. He was a dentist and pursued me for 5 months after the date, checking up about once a month to see if I was still with him.

[soupdrinker]

And I want to reiterate that I do agree with you, I really do. I have not tried to go out with anyone this time, and I won't even consider it until I feel better and like he isn't consuming my thoughts. I learned my lesson. That was the first time I'd ever been broken up with, and being in a state alone without a good support system from family made it easy for me to "just go on a date so you can forget about him"....

[ExpatInItaly]

This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but this is my perspective and others are welcome to disagree: People talk about GIGS like its some syndrome that can be caught, treated and cured. I don't mean that against you OP; I only mean that in general, people are quick to label an uninterested or out-of-love partner as "having GIGS" because it somehow explains or rationalizes a break-up and shifts blame for the real problems onto this strange phenomenon. Perhaps it minimizes the pain of acknowledging that someone just doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Okay, having gotten that little rant out of the way ...

 

No, I don't think it's him just wanting to test the waters with different women. It's happened too many times. The relationship clearly isn't working for him anymore and I don't think you should try to get him back. At the core, there are problems that can't just be fixed by talking them through (ie. blending families, when he doesn't seem to want to do that) You're going to face the same difficulties again if you reconciled.

 

For your own best interest, I would start no contact. Continuing this crazy cycle is only going to bring you more pain, I fear. Take care of yourself, and your kids. They don't need to see their mom hurting. Be kind to yourself.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

And I want to reiterate that I do agree with you, I really do. I have not tried to go out with anyone this time, and I won't even consider it until I feel better and like he isn't consuming my thoughts. I learned my lesson. That was the first time I'd ever been broken up with, and being in a state alone without a good support system from family made it easy for me to "just go on a date so you can forget about him"....

 

 

Hey, honestly I understand! I don't really have a big support system as well when my ex and I BU. I couldn't tell my family because they didn't care or understand. I also thought if I just started dating someone else maybe I would feel better. But again at a time like this, we are in no place to invest in someone else. Sure, it would work for a little while because it's a lovely distraction but after that fog clears, the love won't be there. The hurt will still be there and that's when it becomes unhealthy - when you distract yourself to not "feel". You'll always emotionally be at 50% and you won't be able to give your all to anyone in the future.

 

Our actions are indicative of low-self esteem. We have all these false beliefs that cause us to pursue someone who is incapable of giving their 100% to us. We don't want to be alone (loneliness), or if I love this person hard enough they'll commit to me, or we won't find anyone better. He is showing you very clearly he does not want to commit to you. You must remember, it's not about you. If he is EU, he won't commit with anyone. So, this is why I suggest you look up "baggage reclaim." Read some articles and if you see your ex in any of the descriptions. It's likely he has some emotional baggage.

 

Like I said, the fact that he can't be alone is a red flag. If he can't commit to his own feelings, how can he be expected to commit to another person? The fact that you keep hanging on and have stayed so long with someone who is not committing to you says you have some emotional baggage too. I think the next step is becoming wiser as to why we settle for someone who can't give us what we want. (Low self-esteem, loneliness, etc.) Then learn the ways to heal that, so we can become available to others again in a healthy way. We would know when someone is crossing our boundaries and walk away from someone that can't give us the commitment we're looking for. I'm just starting the journey but hopefully we can use this BU and learn from it for the future.

[soupdrinker]

Hey, honestly I understand! I don't really have a big support system as well when my ex and I BU. I couldn't tell my family because they didn't care or understand. I also thought if I just started dating someone else maybe I would feel better. But again at a time like this, we are in no place to invest in someone else. Sure, it would work for a little while because it's a lovely distraction but after that fog clears, the love won't be there. The hurt will still be there and that's when it becomes unhealthy - when you distract yourself to not "feel". You'll always emotionally be at 50% and you won't be able to give your all to anyone in the future.

 

Our actions are indicative of low-self esteem. We have all these false beliefs that cause us to pursue someone who is incapable of giving their 100% to us. We don't want to be alone (loneliness), or if I love this person hard enough they'll commit to me, or we won't find anyone better. He is showing you very clearly he does not want to commit to you. You must remember, it's not about you. If he is EU, he won't commit with anyone. So, this is why I suggest you look up "baggage reclaim." Read some articles and if you see your ex in any of the descriptions. It's likely he has some emotional baggage.

 

Like I said, the fact that he can't be alone is a red flag. If he can't commit to his own feelings, how can he be expected to commit to another person? The fact that you keep hanging on and have stayed so long with someone who is not committing to you says you have some emotional baggage too. I think the next step is becoming wiser as to why we settle for someone who can't give us what we want. (Low self-esteem, loneliness, etc.) Then learn the ways to heal that, so we can become available to others again in a healthy way. We would know when someone is crossing our boundaries and walk away from someone that can't give us the commitment we're looking for. I'm just starting the journey but hopefully we can use this BU and learn from it for the future.

 

He definitely has emotional baggage and did from the start. I would have known better than to start a relationship with him, but I fell in love with him quite fast and before he let me see that he still harbored so much hurt from his past with his ex. I don't know if I mentioned in my original post, but his ex cheated on him w/ a friend of his, and they're married now. He claims he knew his wife wasn't "the one" when he proposed, but he was 24 and had been with her since he was 20, and her mom had just died, and he said he felt he didn't have a choice. He says he did love her but was never really "in love" with her and about a year into our relationship claimed I was the first person he ever truly loved.

 

Guess not.

 

I'll check out the book.

 

But I think I have decided that I am going to be single for a solid year before I even begin to think about another relationship. This has really taken a toll on me, and I think if I start anything new within the year that I will not be prepared to trust or give myself to anyone else. I am at the point where I am feeling like maybe I don't want a relationship at all and maybe just want to remain single. Shame.

Edited May 6, 2015 by soupdrinker

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

He definitely has emotional baggage and did from the start. I would have known better than to start a relationship with him, but I fell in love with him quite fast and before he let me see that he still harbored so much hurt from his past with his ex. I don't know if I mentioned in my original post, but his ex cheated on him w/ a friend of his, and they're married now. He claims he knew his wife wasn't "the one" when he proposed, but he was 24 and had been with her since he was 20, and her mom had just died, and he said he felt he didn't have a choice. He says he did love her but was never really "in love" with her and about a year into our relationship claimed I was the first person he ever truly loved.

 

Guess not.

 

I'll check out the book.

 

But I think I have decided that I am going to be single for a solid year before I even begin to think about another relationship. This has really taken a toll on me, and I think if I start anything new within the year that I will not be prepared to trust or give myself to anyone else. I am at the point where I am feeling like maybe I don't want a relationship at all and maybe just want to remain single. Shame.

 

 

I know it's hard now so it seems like there's no way out but if you do take that time to care/love/respect yourself, your perspective most likely will change. I had the same feelings as you in the beginning and now a completely different outlook 3 months later.

 

Your ex sounds a little similar to mine. His ex-wife decided she no longer loved him 12 years in and left him in a terrible way. He's scarred because of it. He told me they were young and rushed because they were in love and pregnant but he realizes they weren't compatible and so now he's cautious. Women eat those sob stories up don't we?

 

Hope he doesn't think he's going to find the perfect woman but I've learned to let it go. I don't need his validation that he is wrong and I'm right about him. (It's never going to happen anyway, they'll just continue doing what they please.) Only thing that matters now is I validate myself because I trust my judgement by simply observing his actions. His actions should be all the validation I need to understand he's not right for me.

 

There's a lot to learn on baggage reclaim about discovering people before investing in a relationship so that you start a relationship on actual substance and not fantasized love (from all his fluffed words.) I agree, I wish I never started a relationship with my ex but at least I gained knowledge of how to start a better relationship in the future.