Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 So I've been with someone for about 5 months now. I truly care about him and we connect really well. The problem is, I still have lingering feelings for my ex, deep down. We had an amazing connection and I truly believed we would always be together. It's been an effort not to compare my new bf to him in my head, and to just let go of my ex completely. The problem is I ran into my ex last week at the mall and we grabbed a seat on a bench and caught up for about 20 minutes. It brought back so many feelings I tried to bury. He messaged me a few days later telling me that he understands I've moved on but he still feels the same for me. That he's been trying to get on with his life but seeing me in person just made him realize how strong those feelings still are. I've been torn up inside because I don't want to hurt my bf who I care deeply for, but I think I want to break things off with him so I can try to work things out with my ex. Is this a horrible thing to do to someone? (I did mention that I ran into him to my bf, but obviously excluded the feelings that it brought back)
Satu Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 As long as you are open and honest with your boyfriend, you've done nothing wrong. However, if your feelings for your ex are stronger than those for bf, you need to ask yourself if you're being fair with him. Nobody wants to be second best.
Happilydivorced2013 Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Why are you and your ex still not together? Are you romantisizing your past relationship?
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 Why are you and your ex still not together? Are you romantisizing your past relationship? Really good question. I like to think I'm not romantisizing it, but I've definitely questioned it myself - but no, I don't think so because I still remember the issues we had and how hard it became. That being said, the reason we are not together is because we hit a rough patch in both our lives - I was overwhelmed at a new job and devoting an unfair amount of time/energy to work, and he was going through some stressful situations with his family and boss. He was more on edge than normal (he's usually very laid back), and the fact that I was admittedly not very emotionally available or even physically present as much as a should have been put a huge strain on things. We got into petty arguments a lot and it would spiral to the point we were always tense and strained with each other. He eventually decided we needed a breather. It was a weird situation, because it really left the door open for us to work things out, but neither one of us initiated that step. I think the final nail was lack of communication because we both assumed the other was no longer interested. From my perspective, work has balanced out and I fully realize that I should have been there for him more regardless of my job's demands. And on his end, things have smoothed out with his family/boss and he's in a much better place.
badpenny Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 So what do you think would happen the NEXT time you hit a crisis-point? Are you going to be able to cope with it better, together, or is it just going to rip you guys apart, again? Maybe some counselling on effective Communication, Respect and Trust may be in order. And that's not a criticism. I'm genuinely suggesting you consider that, because the chief culprit in break-ups is poor or absent effective communication.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 You are not a bad person, just a human. When you accidentally bump into them in person, I don't think catching up with an EX in a public place for 20 minutes is a bad thing. Going out of your way to connect with an EX is a problem. You need to really exam what you want to do & why. I'm happily married. But I ran into an EX last summer. He was the one that got away. Seeing him & some of what he said threw me for a loop. I was over thinking everything for about 2-3 days. 1
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 You are not a bad person, just a human. When you accidentally bump into them in person, I don't think catching up with an EX in a public place for 20 minutes is a bad thing. Going out of your way to connect with an EX is a problem. You need to really exam what you want to do & why. I'm happily married. But I ran into an EX last summer. He was the one that got away. Seeing him & some of what he said threw me for a loop. I was over thinking everything for about 2-3 days. Thank you for your response. I hope this is not too personal, but if you feel comfortable answering, when you say the one who got away do you feel like he was the one you were TRULY meant to be with, or the one you once thought you were meant to be with? Because a part of me feels like my ex will be the one who gets away if I don't do something. NOT cheat or anything remotely close to that. But perhaps reflect a bit longer on my feelings and possibly cutting things off with my current bf to give my ex and I another chance. I'm very torn up about it.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 The EX that threw me into a tizzy & I were together for 12 years. Lived together for 10. He was one of those marriage is just a piece of paper guys. He always said our relationship was fine, why mess up a good thing? There was some Other problems but we clicked in the bedroom & intellectually. For most of our relationship it was enough but mainly I kept hanging on to something my mom said. She promised me that when I met Mr. Right I'd know instantly. When I met that EX it was like electricity jolted through my body. So I kept hanging on & hoping he'd catch up because I was always madly in love with him & still was the day I finally ended it. Having met & married my husband I can see what a better match he is. I got my so called "closure" during the wedding planning process. Although we had it relatively easy, it was still stressful. I realized that if I had tried to marry the other guy the crucible that is your engagement period would have torn us apart. Still in the aftermath of our break up I wondered why / how I failed. Why I couldn't make him love me enough. When I saw him last summer he was with a woman who I assumed was his new GF. She was a shorter, curvier version of me. lol One of things he repeatedly criticized me about was my skinny angular body. Anyway, they were on their way to a Broadway play. I was astounded because during the time we were together getting him to do anything like that was a huge non-starter that usually led to a fight. I had seen him a few years earlier & he told me he had started traveling. Again I was like who are you & what did you do with my EX? He even admitted I had been right & that traveling was fun. C'est le guerre. As much as miss specific aspects of that relationship & even knowing it had a huge impact on the woman I am today, I would not trade DH for him no matter what.
lgspot Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Kaley, I'm getting old and looking back on life. To this day, I still have three ex-girlfriend/fiancée that effect me the same way when I see them, message, or they email. I immediately shift into "WHAT IF" mode. Strangely I don't feel that way for my ex even though we were together almost 20 years. I think what you are feeling is very common. Don't beat yourself up. The feeling of unfinished business sucks... Some things are just not to be... Take your time. Life is not a race. You'll figure it out... Congratulations on thinking before you act. You've shown yourself to be a good woman.... Either guy will be lucky to have you... Best wishes whatever your choice!?! By the way, I'm a guy. Its not a gender specific quandary. He's probably wondering the same thing..... 1
Satu Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 All the good stuff is only available in the present. Find your joy in the now. 1
Ruby65 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 You're not mentioning that your ex has had a girlfriend for the past six months and that he's told you he's happy with her. Interesting too that you left out the part about YOU having a boyfriend in your other thread! I think you're hoping that leaving out certain relevant pieces of information will get you the answer you want -- which is, to go and pursue this ex, even though you're both involved with other people. 1
BC1980 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Okay, I remember you OP. This is a mess. My question is: do you know for certain that your ex is open to reconciling with you?
Ruby65 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 This is confusing to me, too -- did he tell you he still has feelings for you.... or is this just something you suspect/hope is true? In your other thread, you never mentioned that he told you he still felt the same way. You wrote: My ex and I have been apart for about 10 months, but have remained friends and keep in touch. I still love him very much and feel like he is the one I'm meant to be with, and I feel like he could very likely still hold those feelings for me. The problem is he has a gf for the past 6 months. I know he's happy with her, but I genuinely believe he still has feelings for me. What we had was very deep and loving. I'm debating whether or not I should send him a text that just lays out how I feel and leave the ball in his court. I'm not going to actively try to get him back because I respect the fact he's in a committed relationship. So I'm wondering if it would be appropriate to let him know how I still feel in case he also feels the same. I don't want to come between a couple, but I also don't want to let the person I truly feel is meant for me slip away.
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