Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I went on a first date with someone I had met at a friend's get together a few weeks back. He's a nice guy who was a total gentleman (i.e. opened doors, payed for the meal, etc), but I didn't really feel much of a click, you know? I have to admit, I usually start dating someone after I've already become friends with them. The three relationships I've been in all started because I was friends with a guy, and feelings developed on both ends. So when we actually go on a date, we already have a deep connection. I've been single for a while now and this is my first date since my last relationship ended. I found myself comparing him to my ex (and missing my ex in the process) but realize it's not fair to compare one date against a serious long-term relationship. Is it normal to not really feel a connection with someone right off the bat, or should there be some sparks? Like I said, he was nice and it wasn't awkward - I enjoyed his company and had a few laughs. I just didn't leave feeling giddy and excited for more. Will a few more dates possibly make me feel different? He did say he'd like to do it again sometime...
Gary S Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Usually, if it's going to happen, you'll feel something in the first 45 minutes of the date. In other words, attraction can be a special thing, it does not happen very often. How long was the date? That said, women often fall in love slower... like you have in the past with friends. This is why meetup and other groups/classes are great for women, it gives them time for feelings to develop.
Dallers Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Usually, if it's going to happen, you'll feel something in the first 45 minutes of the date. In other words, attraction can be a special thing, it does not happen very often. How long was the date? That said, women often fall in love slower... like you have in the past with friends. This is why meetup and other groups/classes are great for women, it gives them time for feelings to develop. There is a certain spark the moment you meet in my opinion or shortly after you meet. Once eye contact has been achieved I normally have a feeling it's there or it's not. From that point on there are no time limits it can blossom or fade. I'm a guy though.
dantrucks Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 There is a certain spark the moment you meet in my opinion or shortly after you meet. Once eye contact has been achieved I normally have a feeling it's there or it's not. From that point on there are no time limits it can blossom or fade. I'm a guy though. I agree, I usually feel the spark with mere eye contact. And have ad girls tell me the same too. But yeah, spark is only that, a spark, something that tells u there may be something here. I could see how there is no spark but in between getting to know someone u begin to feel infatuated by them
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 Usually, if it's going to happen, you'll feel something in the first 45 minutes of the date. In other words, attraction can be a special thing, it does not happen very often. How long was the date? That said, women often fall in love slower... like you have in the past with friends. This is why meetup and other groups/classes are great for women, it gives them time for feelings to develop. The date was about 3 hours in total - went for a meal, went for a walk, then drove me home. He's a great guy on paper and has TONS of qualities I value so I'm hesitant to write him off prematurely. But at the same time I can't help but feel something was missing.
Dallers Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 The date was about 3 hours in total - went for a meal, went for a walk, then drove me home. He's a great guy on paper and has TONS of qualities I value so I'm hesitant to write him off prematurely. But at the same time I can't help but feel something was missing. No spark. No game. You cannot force something. It's like having all the materials but forgetting to bring your tools.
Gary S Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Here's the big question... did you kiss him? Would you kiss him?
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 Here's the big question... did you kiss him? Would you kiss him? There was no kiss. Would I kiss him? That's a good question. He's a very attractive guy, but I'm the type of girl who values personality big time when it comes to attraction. I usually date sort of sweet/sentimental type of guys, and I think the fact that this guy was sort of different may have thrown me off. He's the typical "mans man" and is into tools and football and working out. I've never really been involved with that type of guy, so even though he was nice and polite and all those good things, a part of me seemed to long for the super sweet (even dorky) type of guy I've grown accustomed to, if that makes sense? But again, it was a first date so it may be early to pass that type of judgement on his personality.
Gary S Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Okay, so there is no real attraction. 3 hours is more than enough time, odds are you won't feel a spark later, sorry. You are most likely wasting your time if you go on a second date with him. I'd meet another guy. A lot of women will go on multiple dates with a guy they approve of to see if something develops. It rarely ever does... all you do is build false hope for the guy if he likes you, and waste each other's time. I know he looks good on paper. However, approval is no substitute for attraction. Unfortunately, we can't choose who we fall in love with.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 For me if the spark was there I would have felt it at the BBQ. I only ever went on a date with a few guys I knew for a while before the date. That friendship first thing never made sense to me.
Popsicle Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 For me, it's always immediate. If it's not immediate, it has never happened later.
Antares Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I agree that physical attraction can be felt pretty immediately. But to play devils advocate; I've had experiences in my life where attraction came much later, after knowing someone for a while. I knew someone for like a year and then suddenly saw her as beautiful and wanted to date them. And a few years ago I was dating a girl for about 6 months. She admitted later on that the first couple of dates she didn't really feel any spark for me. She initially kept it up because she liked hanging w me and did feel that I was attractive. Just not quite connecting romantically on those first couple of dates. There wasn't an official spark. She admitted that it was on the third date that she finally felt it like crazy. That date we had really started to open up to one another. So who knows. It really depends on the situation. I'm somewhat of a guarded person who opens up slowly and expresses myself at a pace. But once it's there, it's there. Maybe that's why I'm single and hate the initial stages of dating. haha
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 Okay, so there is no real attraction. 3 hours is more than enough time, odds are you won't feel a spark later, sorry. You are most likely wasting your time if you go on a second date with him. I'd meet another guy. A lot of women will go on multiple dates with a guy they approve of to see if something develops. It rarely ever does... all you do is build false hope for the guy if he likes you, and waste each other's time. I know he looks good on paper. However, approval is no substitute for attraction. Unfortunately, we can't choose who we fall in love with. I definitely agree with you there! Actually, my last ex was someone who took interest in me right away after meeting at a party. However, I didn't feel anything towards him (I was crushing on someone else at the time, actually) and let him down gently. We ended up becoming friends and over a few months feelings developed even though I never would have thought they would. It's like I couldn't help but fall for him over time. Now that I'm typing this, I think this may be why I'm hesitant to write this guy off so soon...
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 I agree that physical attraction can be felt pretty immediately. But to play devils advocate; I've had experiences in my life where attraction came much later, after knowing someone for a while. I knew someone for like a year and then suddenly saw her as beautiful and wanted to date them. And a few years ago I was dating a girl for about 6 months. She admitted later on that the first couple of dates she didn't really feel any spark for me. She initially kept it up because she liked hanging w me and did feel that I was attractive. Just not quite connecting romantically on those first couple of dates. There wasn't an official spark. She admitted that it was on the third date that she finally felt it like crazy. That date we had really started to open up to one another. So who knows. It really depends on the situation. I'm somewhat of a guarded person who opens up slowly and expresses myself at a pace. But once it's there, it's there. Maybe that's why I'm single and hate the initial stages of dating. haha I think I'm a lot like you! It takes me a while to open up and feel comfortable with someone, which is probably why I've always dated people after being friends with them initially. It's like I get to know someone without any pressure or awkwardness of dating. I also hate the initial stages of dating too! 1
mortensorchid Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 I think that "spark" is what we are confusing with lust. Because lust happens all the time if and when you think about it, but is the spark something else other than just lust? It should be. Define what sparks are and are not. Do not confuse sparks with lust, because there is a difference. I know plenty of people who have never been able to do just that, and once you have, you can determine what will / won't happen. Do not confuse lack of sparks with potential, unless the person is a complete and utter loser at first glance. The bottom line is that it's complicated and it's a delicate balance. Give it at least 3 dates and then you'll know if you at least like the guy or not. If not, then not.
fitnessfan365 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Usually women want to be "friends" with guys they have no interest in romantically. So the fact that you let three guys out of the friend zone is really rare. But I guess you're one of the exceptions to the rule. The "spark" is kind of a mystery and it depends on the individual. Some women may feel a "spark" by a guy that's mysterious, a bit aloof, kind of a challenge, etc.. The drama and tension they feel from not knowing makes them get that butterfly feeling. Other women may feel a spark by guys that are direct, straight forward, real gentlemen, etc.. You just never know.
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