mongo Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 this is just something ive noticed. why in the dating scene does someone always seem to have the position of power over the other? if you look at the threads posted here it can be summed up with either this person has the power or ive got the power. it doesnt matter whether they are male or female. folks seem to portray their relationships as fair playing ground...i dont know if this is ever true. there seems to be no perfectly level ground...even when youre in a long term relationship. one person with more value always is dominant over the other. one is always more in love with the other, than the other is with them. if the above hypothesis is true, then dating is only about advantage. not about relating to other people. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 It's not supposed to be a power game. But the reality is the one who cares the least wins. To truly love you have to risk being hurt & that can be scary. 8
Auspecial Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Everyone has different things to offer, and I think ultimately the best dating relationships are where net/net, the power balance is mostly equal. The problem comes up when either it doesn't balance out well, or when one person is much more selfish than the other. In that case, its not really about power balance, its more that the selfish person is unable to contribute to a healthy relationship.
Dallers Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Push and Pull. When one person pushes to much or pulls too little the cat changes to be the mouse. In a real relationship once you are past the dating stage it should be that the person who cares less supports the other person so that they can then stand on their own two feet again. Sadly that is rarely what happens.
hunk Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 My longest relationship was the one in which I cared less, shortest was when I cared too much. I still have no idea how you get to the sacred common ground or balance of power. If anyone knows how to get there and maintain it i'd love to hear.
Dallers Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 My longest relationship was the one in which I cared less, shortest was when I cared too much. I still have no idea how you get to the sacred common ground or balance of power. If anyone knows how to get there and maintain it i'd love to hear. Neither of those relationships were the right one for you. It's why they ended. The right one will be equal and remain equal because you will support each other and never have to play the cat or mouse game. You just have to find them.
Auspecial Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 My longest relationship was the one in which I cared less, shortest was when I cared too much. I still have no idea how you get to the sacred common ground or balance of power. If anyone knows how to get there and maintain it i'd love to hear. IMO, there isn't a secret code for how this happens. Sometimes its meant to happen, sometimes its not. I have been in a completely reciprocal r-ship years ago, but it was sabotaged by my sister. I haven't had one like that since.
chantos Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I have been in a completely reciprocal r-ship years ago, but it was sabotaged by my sister. *grabs popcorn* Well? Go on... 3
Gary S Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Who you don't hear from on this board are all they nice people who care about each other and don't have a power struggle. They are having too much fun kissing to bother coming here! 3
xpaperxcutx Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 My background is Asian and I've been told by alot of female asian friends it's best if the guy loves the girl more than vice versa. Girls are more emotional and I have seen many girls who sacrifice so much for a guy just because they love him.
pleasedtomeetyou Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Every relationship between two people in the history of man has a dominant and submissive role. It's not unique to romance. That's just the way it is. Equality is never going to happen, so the ideal situation is either to be as close to equal as possible or be with someone who is fine with the role they've been assigned in the relationship. This issue is definitely minimized when both partners have a lot of other people in their lives, btw. I usually see this role conflict happen in those couples who seem to do everything together. It's because they have no outlet to embrace different roles in their relationships.
sagetalk Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 My longest relationship was the one in which I cared less, shortest was when I cared too much. This is close to my experience in life as well. The less you care, the more likely it is to be a success (at least in dating). The more you care, the faster the ejection seat button is pressed. This is my experience with women. It isn't always true, but it is most certainly true of the majority of encounters.
SawtoothMars Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 My background is Asian and I've been told by alot of female asian friends it's best if the guy loves the girl more than vice versa. Girls are more emotional and I have seen many girls who sacrifice so much for a guy just because they love him. This kind of thinking works very well in a handful of Asian countries, but is a recipe for disaster here in America. My wife has some friends and family who have emigrated to the US, and the couples like this are massively struggling. Her brother in particular has a housewife that he just cannot keep from running around behind his back. He actually got fed up last year and had his own affair.... which is an ongoing disaster. Bottom line is this.... in America there is ZERO social pressure to keep women from being their worst selves. Most Asian countries have divorce laws were women get kids but no support or property. In the US women typically get the better deal.
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 this is just something ive noticed. why in the dating scene does someone always seem to have the position of power over the other? if you look at the threads posted here it can be summed up with either this person has the power or ive got the power. it doesnt matter whether they are male or female. folks seem to portray their relationships as fair playing ground...i dont know if this is ever true. there seems to be no perfectly level ground...even when youre in a long term relationship. one person with more value always is dominant over the other. one is always more in love with the other, than the other is with them. if the above hypothesis is true, then dating is only about advantage. not about relating to other people. No it's about being on the same page....if it turns out you are not, you break it off and keep looking. The only reason you see the boards full of these stories is that they refuse to acknowledge that is what they need to do.
katiegrl Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 In my relationship, I have the power, but play it like HE has the power. Boyfriend believes HE has the power, but plays it like I have it. Works well for us! Lol 1
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 You both are on the same page...you both believe you have the power lol 1
Hopeful30 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 My longest relationship was the one in which I cared less, shortest was when I cared too much. Yup. Same here.
Buddhist Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 And that would be the basis on which many people do approach relationship. Sad but true.
neowulf Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 And that would be the basis on which many people do approach relationship. Sad but true. Only the young and inexperienced rush head long into love. Those with a few more scars are well aware of the sting love carries in it's tail. You can only put your heart through the meat grinder so many times before you become hardened. Still, we're all hear, still searching. Guess the pain and disappointment is all worth it in the end
Hawaii51 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 I think there is to certain degrees, but the level at which depends on the maturity of the people involved in the relationship and their egos. Just be the best you- you can be, and screw whatever games the folks bring to the table. I remember having these conversations with my buddies when I was in my early 20s.
Redhead14 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 this is just something ive noticed. why in the dating scene does someone always seem to have the position of power over the other? if you look at the threads posted here it can be summed up with either this person has the power or ive got the power. it doesnt matter whether they are male or female. folks seem to portray their relationships as fair playing ground...i dont know if this is ever true. there seems to be no perfectly level ground...even when youre in a long term relationship. one person with more value always is dominant over the other. one is always more in love with the other, than the other is with them. if the above hypothesis is true, then dating is only about advantage. not about relating to other people. It's not about power. It's about balance. In a truly compatible relationship, there is balance in communication/just about every aspect of the relationship. Sure, one of them may know more about something and the other may acquiesce in a particular decision process or something like that but they share the "power". As long as they have expressed their opionions, needs, etc., they have at least contributed. But in the end, it not that one is more dominant. And, no one should have "more value" in the relationship. They should value each other highly. In the scenario above, the relationship isn't balanced if one of them is "dominant" per se. What you have is one partner who is emotionally weaker, let's say and allows the other to have more control in the relationship. As time goes by though, that dynamic begins to break down and one or the other becomes dissatisfied on some level. The dominant one starts to feel like they are doing all the work. Or the weaker one starts to feel unimportant. Tons of dysfunctional relationships "exist" like this. A woman or a man who isn't confident in themselves, feels lesser, isn't assertive, etc. finds another who can do what they feel they can't do and stays in that relationship because they think they can't handle things on their own. In every scenario, communication and balance are key to it's survival.
Redhead14 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 My longest relationship was the one in which I cared less, shortest was when I cared too much. I still have no idea how you get to the sacred common ground or balance of power. If anyone knows how to get there and maintain it i'd love to hear. Yep, you cared too much or more than the other, so it wasn't balanced. Perhaps you smothered the partner by caring "too much". The other one lasted longer because you cared less. But basically, it's because you stayed in the relationship because it was easier than leaving or you were at least comfortable with it but not fully or equally invested. The one you cared less for or about, probably didn't feel enough from you and it was still unbalanced. The way to get there is find someone who shares the same goals for the long run. Someone who matches your level of caring, communicates well with you. You maintain you sense of self always. You are still two individuals but sharing common goals. When one or the other starts giving up everything for the other, the balance is lost. If you start over giving, the balance is lost. 1
Auspecial Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 *grabs popcorn* Well? Go on... There's way too much to tell.. wink wink
SawtoothMars Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Yep, you cared too much or more than the other, so it wasn't balanced. Perhaps you smothered the partner by caring "too much". The other one lasted longer because you cared less. But basically, it's because you stayed in the relationship because it was easier than leaving or you were at least comfortable with it but not fully or equally invested. The one you cared less for or about, probably didn't feel enough from you and it was still unbalanced. The way to get there is find someone who shares the same goals for the long run. Someone who matches your level of caring, communicates well with you. You maintain you sense of self always. You are still two individuals but sharing common goals. When one or the other starts giving up everything for the other, the balance is lost. If you start over giving, the balance is lost. Many people are not looking for balance. It is of extreme importance to pay attention to the power dynamic of a relationship. I recommend that a guy should keep this tilted in his favor.
Redhead14 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Many people are not looking for balance. It is of extreme importance to pay attention to the power dynamic of a relationship. I recommend that a guy should keep this tilted in his favor. The people who are not looking for balance in a relationship usually have either a control issue or some kind of esteem issue. The ones who feel the need to be in control of things may also have an esteem issue. They want to compensate for something that is lacking in them or they are just control "freaks". The ones who have a lower sense of esteem, lack confidence, etc. will seek someone who can be more in control. They don't want to be the leader. Some may view these scenarios as balanced in the sense that they "complement" one another, as in opposites attract kinda thing. But that's not really what balanced means. Being in balance is when they each bring very good core attributes to the relationship. They are both emotionally healthy and can bring their best selves into it. Yes, there will be some things that one or the other does or knows about better or more than the other and that's where the "complementing" comes in. But it's just parts of the relationship that are that way. The relationship on the whole is mutually supported on an equal or nearly equal level.
Recommended Posts