Jenmarie Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Don't tell him anything if he has a girlfriend. You really need to respect that and hold your feelings in if he's happy with her. It'd be selfish if you didn't.
stillafool Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 If you ex still had feelings for you wouldn't he have let you know in some type of way before he got involved with his now gf? Were you in a relationship when he made this girl his now gf or were you single? If you were single why didn't he chose to try to get back with you instead pursuing a relationship with her?
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 (edited) If you ex still had feelings for you wouldn't he have let you know in some type of way before he got involved with his now gf? Were you in a relationship when he made this girl his now gf or were you single? If you were single why didn't he chose to try to get back with you instead pursuing a relationship with her? He started dating this girl shortly after we decided to part. We were giving each other space and he sort of spontaneously messaged me being flirty and playful the way he use to be, and was sort of making hints about getting back together but not in a direct way. I was still sore from the split (it had only been about a month) so I didn't push the issue because I didn't want to get hurt if we were rushing back too soon or he changed his mind. I think it was very shortly after that he started dating his gf. I believe he was set up by his friend who knew her. Even after they started dating he would make an offhand comment to me about missing my company, or that I look beautiful... things like that. Never anything inappropriate, but things that give me pause. I know him so well and feel like he may have been putting out feelers to me. But I truly do respect that he's in a relationship so I never really gave much response beyond a simple thank you. But now more time keeps passing and the feelings aren't fading and I'm finding it hard to keep acting like I don't miss him and love him. He would NEVER cheat emotionally or physically and I would never encourage it anyway. Which is why I had been thinking of just putting it out there in a simple text and leaving it at that. If he feels the same way he can decide how/if he wants to move forward. I have been in the position where I was left for another woman that my then bf fell for. It was someone he worked with - there was no affair, but feelings developed during the time they spent together at work. He ended things with me once he realized he had feelings for another. Shortly after we broke up he started something with her. They are now happily married with 2 kids, so I see now it was for the best. But man, it WRECKED me. The thought of even potentially doing this to someone is killing me inside. But so is the thought of not at least attempting to be with someone I love and may love me too. Like my ex and his now wife, in the long run it may be for the best. Edited May 3, 2015 by Kaley
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 I havent read all of the posts here. Probably your ex still have feelings for you. The big question is what kind of feelings does he have and how strong are they. One could feel care for an ex without loving them. If your ex bf is an emotionally stable person he would not have gotten into another relationship that is still going strong after 6 months if he still had strong feelings of love towards you. But if you still love him and you think he might have these feelings for you as well you should tell him. That way you wont have to go on with your life with regrets, thinking what if i told him back when i had the chance. But be prepared that he might give you an answer you dont like. He might also not give you an answer at all, and he might even block you out of his life. If you decide to tell him you have to promise yourself one thing: If the answer is anything but 100% positive you have to go NC and move on with your life without your ex in it. Please let us know what you decide Thank you for your kind response. I think the part you mentioned about regret is the biggest thing. If he tells me it's over for good, it will sting but I will eventually heal and move on. I'm not going to fight for him or try to ruin his relationship. But if I don't let him know how I feel, I don't want to live wondering what if I did? What if he felt the same way? What if we could have built a life together? Those are all huge IF's but life is too short to spend it wondering and living with regret. Again, I would let him know how I feel and leave it at that. No begging/crying/etc. I know there's more than a good chance he's happy with how things are in his new relationship. I would accept that 100%
Author Kaley Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 I again want to thank everyone who's been commenting and offering advice. I know I'm running around in circles despite nearly everyone telling me to let go and move on. But getting out all these thoughts and feelings has been very therapeutic. I barely slept last night because I was tossing and turning with turmoil about what to do with all my feelings and doubts. I'm still not positive what I'm going to do, but I am realizing that not telling him maybe the better route at the end.
Riptide91 Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Honestly, I say do it. There's two things that could happen, 1. He's going to basically tell you he has moved on and he only wishes to be friends, which since I don't know much of your backstory, I'd say is most probable. 2. He reciprocates your feelings and realizes that even though he has a current girlfriend, his feelings for you are very strong and he would take the chance of leaving her to try with you again. Love doesn't have rules, and isn't always logical.
BC1980 Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 He has though. Maybe not that he wants me BACK (as in over his new gf) but has definitely implied that there's still feelings there. I may be misunderstanding, mind you. But I'm definitely not some love-sick puppy who deludes myself into thinking someone likes me when they don't. If anything, I'm very insecure and usually need to have someone's feelings spelled out to me to realize they're there. The fact that I'm getting the signals I am from someone I know so well (therefore, feel like I'm not misinterpreting them) is what's making me question telling him how I feel. If there was no contact or no clues whatsoever that he cares for me, I would not even think of messaging him, even though I still love him. I'm far too insecure to put myself out there without thinking there was a fair chance it would be reciprocated. Not saying I'm going to message him. Literally every response to this post has told me otherwise lol. I mean, he could still have feelings for you, but he might have stronger feelings for his current GF. I just think that telling him how you feel would open you up to more heartache down the line, and you'll probably be embarrassed by it too. I don't think it's necessary to do that to yourself. I also have to question a guy who stays in contact with his ex. He would do the same thing to you, and he sounds like he just goes from one woman to the next. It doesn't sound that great to me.
erklat Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Hey everyone, My ex and I have been apart for about 10 months, but have remained friends and keep in touch. I still love him very much and feel like he is the one I'm meant to be with, and I feel like he could very likely still hold those feelings for me. The problem is he has a gf for the past 6 months. I know he's happy with her, but I genuinely believe he still has feelings for me. What we had was very deep and loving. I'm debating whether or not I should send him a text that just lays out how I feel and leave the ball in his court. I'm not going to actively try to get him back because I respect the fact he's in a committed relationship. So I'm wondering if it would be appropriate to let him know how I still feel in case he also feels the same. I don't want to come between a couple, but I also don't want to let the person I truly feel is meant for me slip away. Apparently he doesn't think that you're meant for him. You really don't want to be that person that sent the text. Only because of the hell of anxiety you'll be living through when he ignores you. If I thought there is 0.001 percent chance it could work I'd say you send it. It's been 10 months. Strap up, you'll feel better soon. I sucked for 11 months and I was the worst there is in terms of recovery.
Ruby65 Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Honestly, I say do it. There's two things that could happen, 1. He's going to basically tell you he has moved on and he only wishes to be friends, which since I don't know much of your backstory, I'd say is most probable. 2. He reciprocates your feelings and realizes that even though he has a current girlfriend, his feelings for you are very strong and he would take the chance of leaving her to try with you again. Love doesn't have rules, and isn't always logical. I think there's a third option, and I think that's what's most likely to happen. Which is, she says nothing and he continues to keep her around as an option, an ego-stroke, a backup plan. He obviously enjoys the attention, he's flattered by her interest in him and even when he has a girlfriend he flirts with her while pretending to be "just friends". So, not the best boyfriend. He's being emotionally unfaithful and has before with the OP during another relationship. I don't think OP wants to create a clear-cut boundary, which is what she risks by either coming clean or going No Contact. I don't think this guy wants to create a clear-cut boundary, which is what he risks by being upfront and honest about his true feelings for her. So, I predict this situation will continue as it has this past year.... she won't come clean about her feelings, he'll continue to enjoy the ego-stroke of their flirtation.... until OP meets her next boyfriend and moves on despite her lingering attachment to this guy. That's my take, anyway.
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