davemag Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 For about a year, I dated a strong introvert (an INFJ). She was wonderfully thoughtful, communicative, and engaging, but she also held a lot inside and had dealt with significant depression for which she was medicated. There was a lot good there along with some baggage, but she was in counseling and never had any active issues (at least that I saw or was told about). There is no doubt we were in an exclusive relationship; she was the one who was trying to see me all the time. Everything seemed to click. Then, about a year into the relationship, she went away on a trip for a week. The day she left, everything seemed fine to me. The day she arrived, she sent me various photos of her family and her trip. Usual phone and e-mail correspondence. But, in the days to follow, her communication dried up. She was busy when I called, said she would get back to me, and never did. The day she arrived home, I get an e-mail telling me she had done some thinking and wanted to talk. When we got together and talked, she ended it, and, six months later, we haven't spoken since. Perhaps it is asking for too much to have concrete reasons why someone ends the relationship. I certainly didn't get any. She told me there was no one else, and I believe it. I was not at the time familiar with the notion of the INFJ doorslam, an abrupt turn where someone previously close to the INFJ gets left out in the cold while explanations are few. In a heartbeat, I went from having happy times with the person I was going to marry to never hearing from her again. Does anyone have experience with the INFJ doorslam and whether it's worth aiming for a second chance? Or at least a better explanation? I've dated since, but this relationship left scars. I'd appreciate learning what others would do and have done when they got left out in the cold and can't explain it.
spiderowl Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 (edited) I am an INFJ and I've never heard of that doorslam! It sounds like her feelings changed and she knew there was no point dating you because it would be leading you on. I'm sorry this has happened but one never really gets a proper reason for a break up because feelings are not under our control and sometimes we don't even know why our own feelings have changed. By the way, I don't think I'd completely cut an ex off unless he was pestering me or trying to control me. You don't sound like the kind of guy who would do that so I guess she just can't handle being in contact for any reason. Edited May 3, 2015 by spiderowl
NC-Thomas Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 It's only worth fixing when she fixes it. The situation is out of your control. If she loved you, she would have come back. Sadly enougg she didn't. Time to cut your losses and move on. Also, you state you were going to marry her. What I don't understand is, why marry someone you only dated 1 year ?
medzeer Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 That is called love, the most amazing and terrible feeling ever. Haven't you really never met someone, who you fall crazy in love and wanted to spend with them the rest of life with? I am not sure if you are lucky or not
La.Primavera Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 It's not unreasonable to want answers but you should have asked her back when she broke it off. She hasn't contacted you because the truth is that she doesn't care about you. As hurtful as it is, her silence is your answer. Even if there was such a thing as a INFJ doorjam, would that give her the right to toss you aside like garbage? Absolutely not! At some point you will see that you are worthy of so much more than this. There is a much better woman out there for you. She will treat you with love and kindness and respect.
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