Lizzy007 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 First off let me say that I came to this forum to get help and advice, not to get judged so please don't answer saying I am a bad person or other nasty stuff because I do really need advice, I feel desperate and hopeless at the moment. I have been dating this man for about 6 months now, we enjoy each others company a lot but we aren't exclusive yet. Back in February things escalated because I did something really stupid. Basically this other guy messaged me on Twitter and I started talking to him even though I didn't think he was good looking and I had no interest in this guy because I have a lot of feelings for my "boyfriend" At that time he didn't give me much attention though and I believe that is why I started talking to the Twitter dude (Not an excuse of course) One day I was over at my guys house and he saw the twitter messages on my phone (I sent him two pictures of me in lingerie) When he saw those messages he got really upset and called me nasty names (He was clearly very hurt and mad) He agreed to give me a second chance though. I blocked twitter dudes number and deleted my account. Ever since things have been rocky. He pulled away and we didn't spend as much time together as we used to. I know what I did was very wrong and I should have thought about the consequences but I regret it dearly and I am willing to do anything to fix things with my guy. I asked him if there is anything I can do to make him trust me again but he just told me that it will take time and that my actions will show if I really mean it. He also told me not to ask him to trust me any time soon and that he wants to take things day by day and move at his own pace. This is the first time I have ever done something like this before and like I said I feel helpless and hopeless so if anyone can give me some advice or tips on how I can show him that I truly am sorry and that I do have feelings for him and want to fix our relationship I would really appreciate it. By the way, to make things even worse he moved away to another state a couple of weeks ago because he got a promotion at his job and they moved him to another office. I really need some help!!!
ls819 Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Put yourself in his shoes... What would make you trust him again? Personally I think you should listen to what he said... Which is to give it time... If he's willing to give you a second chance...prove yourself by not doing it again 1
KatZee Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Only time will tell. You can't make him trust you again, even if you are a saint from here on out. Some people are able to forgive, some aren't. You can't rush it either. I fall into the "never trust again" category. My ex cheated on me. I gave him a second chance and realized pretty quickly that he'd never have my trust again.
El Pallasso Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 You sent another guy two pictures of you in a lingerie??? You're lucky he's still even talking to you at all, much less wanting to be with you. 2
Author Lizzy007 Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 Put yourself in his shoes... What would make you trust him again? Personally I think you should listen to what he said... Which is to give it time... If he's willing to give you a second chance...prove yourself by not doing it again Well I think If he did it and not me I would feel more comfortable having his social media passwords. And I offered him to give him my passwords and to send him screen shots of my call log to show him I've learned from the experience and am not talking to someone else but he said he doesn't want that. He asked for an iMac for his birthday though but I'm not sure if I can afford that. I don't have a job at the moment but he asked me for it and reminded me that I said I'd do anything for him...
Author Lizzy007 Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 You sent another guy two pictures of you in a lingerie??? You're lucky he's still even talking to you at all, much less wanting to be with you. I'm not trying to justify what I did not am I using this as an excuse to make it ok BUT me and him aren't exclusive. we aren't officially together and he talks to other women all the time and even spends time with them. Because we aren't together together. So I mean technically he can't be that upset since he's been doing the same thing and even worse and still does.
El Pallasso Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I'm not trying to justify what I did not am I using this as an excuse to make it ok BUT me and him aren't exclusive. we aren't officially together and he talks to other women all the time and even spends time with them. Because we aren't together together. So I mean technically he can't be that upset since he's been doing the same thing and even worse and still does. Rationalize it any way you want. If you truly believe what you did wasn't a bad thing, you wouldn't be on here asking "how to get his trust back??????" 1
chantos Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 wtf is this... are you the dude's gf or not? 6 months of dating and emotional attachment and you're not exclusive? if not then who cares what you do with other guys. is he banging other girls or hooking up with them? have you had "the relationship talk"... why the hell are you feeling guilt and hopelessness if you're not exclusive... it doesn't add up. obviously you're more exclusive than you're letting on otherwise you wouldn't be here desperately trying to win him back. if the guy is hanging with other girls and doing worse stuff than you and then guilt tripping you for doing the same thing then he is a controlling dude. usually when i am courting a girl i have other girls on the side and i don't care if the girl i'm courting fools around with other guys. she's not my gf and if i wanted to have her as a gf i'd take steps in that direction. but by the 6-month mark if all signs were pointing toward LTR and then she started messing around like you did i would just turn her into a FWB and find another girl. so here is your scenario: either he's messing with other girls and wants to control you, or you burned his trust and he's weak so he'll stay with you or you burned his trust and he's not weak and he'll find someone else. 2
Guitarisgood Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Time and consistency. You're going to have to be patient and go about your things like any every day. At the same time you're going to have to show just as much devotion to your BF so that over said time, things can return to how they were. Thing is, once you break the trust, it can never be really bought back; simply taped over particularly if it's as you did in this case. Unless you plan on moving to where he is working or visiting him a lot to show your devotion, best I say you both part ways and let the time work it's magic. Maybe meet up down the track and see how things are after you've both walked different paths and see whether those two paths will connect again.
veggirl Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I think you should tell him SEE YA. You'd been dating 3 months at that point and you weren't exclusive? Why? And 3 months later you still aren't. If he was that interested, he'd have locked it down within the first 3 months. And now he is trying to guilt trip you into buying him a computer?! lol what!!?? 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I think you should tell him SEE YA. You'd been dating 3 months at that point and you weren't exclusive? Why? And 3 months later you still aren't. If he was that interested, he'd have locked it down within the first 3 months. And now he is trying to guilt trip you into buying him a computer?! lol what!!?? This. Now you're the one being played, OP. This relationship isn't good. Call it a day and move on. And don't repeat the same mistakes again. 1
KatZee Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Well I think If he did it and not me I would feel more comfortable having his social media passwords. And I offered him to give him my passwords and to send him screen shots of my call log to show him I've learned from the experience and am not talking to someone else but he said he doesn't want that. He asked for an iMac for his birthday though but I'm not sure if I can afford that. I don't have a job at the moment but he asked me for it and reminded me that I said I'd do anything for him... Giving up your password is not a solution, it's unhealthy and just inviting him to become obsessive and controlling. Also, you'd be real foolish to buy him a computer worth 1K or more, under his words that you said you'd do "anything" for him. I would not be shocked if you bought it and he dumped you right after. The way he said that just sounds super shady.
introverted1 Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 He asked for an iMac for his birthday though but I'm not sure if I can afford that. I don't have a job at the moment but he asked me for it and reminded me that I said I'd do anything for him... :eek: I'm not trying to justify what I did not am I using this as an excuse to make it ok BUT me and him aren't exclusive. we aren't officially together and he talks to other women all the time and even spends time with them. So what makes him your "boyfriend"? There's nothing here, imo.
Friskyone4u Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Very confusing. Were you exclusive in your mind and his or not when this occurred . ??? Also , if he is going out with other women , flirting with them , and doing l sorts of things he would be pissed at you for , then he is off base here. If all that started AFTER what you did , the he might be doing it out of hurt feelings to get even (not a good solution). The computer this is ridiculous . If he wants you to be his girlfriend , great . If he wants you to provide him with the latest technology , not so great ! Lastly , you the the CORRECT thing offering the passwords . If , and I say IF you were exclusive in his mind and he was behaving at the time , then he does consider this a breach of trust . Any book you can buy on infidelity of any kind will tell you TRANSPARENCY of electronic devices comes right after NO CONTACT on rebuilding trust . If you cheat on someone, you give up some right by doing that and you do not rebuild trust by telling you partner that despite what you have done they have no right to know what you are doing after you just lied to them. And that is not controlling . You should want to do that so congratulations to you for offering. You did not meet the other guy . You have offered all you can to help him heal. His response of buy me a computer and the other girls is way out of line . Either he gets "all in" or you get all out
Maleficent Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 (edited) wtf is this... are you the dude's gf or not? 6 months of dating and emotional attachment and you're not exclusive? if not then who cares what you do with other guys. is he banging other girls or hooking up with them? have you had "the relationship talk"... why the hell are you feeling guilt and hopelessness if you're not exclusive... it doesn't add up. obviously you're more exclusive than you're letting on otherwise you wouldn't be here desperately trying to win him back. if the guy is hanging with other girls and doing worse stuff than you and then guilt tripping you for doing the same thing then he is a controlling dude. usually when i am courting a girl i have other girls on the side and i don't care if the girl i'm courting fools around with other guys. she's not my gf and if i wanted to have her as a gf i'd take steps in that direction. but by the 6-month mark if all signs were pointing toward LTR and then she started messing around like you did i would just turn her into a FWB and find another girl. so here is your scenario: either he's messing with other girls and wants to control you, or you burned his trust and he's weak so he'll stay with you or you burned his trust and he's not weak and he'll find someone else. Gosh and I thought I was the only one who got the part where they aren't exclusive until your post. OP's guy is clearly trying to manipulate her. Edited May 3, 2015 by Maleficent
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I'm not trying to justify what I did not am I using this as an excuse to make it ok BUT me and him aren't exclusive. we aren't officially together and he talks to other women all the time and even spends time with them. Because we aren't together together. So I mean technically he can't be that upset since he's been doing the same thing and even worse and still does. Then maybe you are projecting. You feel guilty. Has he ever said he was upset? If he hasn't, he might not be. Since he has now moved away, how much energy do you really want to put into an LDR where you aren't even exclusive & you are not "together together" whatever that means?
Maleficent Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Rationalize it any way you want. If you truly believe what you did wasn't a bad thing, you wouldn't be on here asking "how to get his trust back??????" Because he manipulated her into thinking it was. Funny the last post I saw here where a girl had been dating a guy for 10 months and was heartbroken because she found out he had been sleeping with other girls, everyone ganged up saying "tough luck sweety you never had the exclusivity talk" Oooh double standards...
road Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Well I think If he did it and not me I would feel more comfortable having his social media passwords. And I offered him to give him my passwords and to send him screen shots of my call log to show him I've learned from the experience and am not talking to someone else but he said he doesn't want that. He asked for an iMac for his birthday though but I'm not sure if I can afford that. I don't have a job at the moment but he asked me for it and reminded me that I said I'd do anything for him... A man that cares for a woman does not even ask for a gift that she can not afford to buy. Yet he demands it and then uses emotional black mail. Then to top it off he moves away and now has converted the relationship into a long distance one. This is itself is the kiss of death. Time to dump him. Yes dump him for he is not treating you right and moved to far away. Yes you did not do right by him though two wrongs never make a right. You have learned a lesson and now are in a better place to start a new relationship.
Recommended Posts