goodguy Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 About a month ago, I ran into T at a local bar. She seemed so familiar, but I couldn’t place who she was. So I went up and talked to her and she told me she remembered seeing me at the old gym I used to go to like 3 years ago. When she said that, it all came back to me that she was the girl that I always noticed because she was so pretty. So I got her number that night and we met for lunch one Saturday, which led to dinner, which led to going out that night, which led to her spending the night at my place (no sex, just kissing and cuddling). I went away on vacation the following week, but we talked almost every day and I couldn’t wait to come home and see her. When I got home, we resumed what we had started and basically have been seeing each other every day the past two weeks. We have been intimate during this time and it has been great, we really connect physically and mentally (We are both 27). Also, during this time she told me about her ex-boyfriend a lot. They had been broken up for 4 months before we met. From what she has said, he was a real jerk. They went out for 3 years and he never told her he loved her, told her she was fat, always was rushing her away from her family, and would ignore her when he was around his friends, not to mention a bunch of other things that are too much to list right now. Plus, her friends and family HATE him for what he has put her through. They had broken up once before, and she gave him another chance which he blew by lying to her so he could go to a strip club with his friends. He never proposed or asked her to move in with him those 3 years because he said he wasn’t ready, but she really wants to be in a committed relationship which will lead to marriage and a family. This was the basis of their breakup. So the entire time her and I have been going out, he has been calling and text messaging her. He saw her with me at a bar and called her phone and left like 10 messages yelling at her and in the process told her that the skirt that she was wearing was way too short. (She has a great figure and likes to wear trendy clothes which she looks great in, and I like to see her in them as well) Last week she finally put her foot down and told him she was seeing somebody else and for him to stop calling. She was so excited to be moving on with me and she arranged a barbecue on Saturday for me to meet her family and we had an awesome day. We spent the entire weekend together, and did everything TOGETHER, something she said she has never experienced before, she couldn’t believe that I actually wanted to work out with her at the gym and not ignore her. Sunday night when she got home she called me and told me what awesome time she has with me and she feels like she is on vacation whenever she is with me. She also has said that she worries that I am too good to be true. So when she didn’t return my calls on Monday, I kind of suspected something was up. She called me yesterday and told me she had been crying all day because her ex showed up at her house and proposed to her. She told him she can’t say yes right now, she needs to think about it (I think she should have told him to go to hell). He told her he has changed, that seeing her with someone else made him realize how much he loved her and he could now give her all the things she had wanted from him before. I told her that this guy is full of it, it’s not out love that he is proposing, but out of jealously, all of these things that you wanted out of him are right here in front of you in ME, times ten. I flat out told her that I could not fathom how she could still be in love with this guy after all the crap he has put her through, that people don’t change for the long term, he might be good for 2-3 months, then he is going to be back to making her life hell and she’s going to have so many regrets. But, I guess love is blind. She started crying when she told him how much she cares for me (to which he began yelling at her for crying), and that she is not sure what she is going to do. She told me in the past to never let go of her, and I told her last night that I was going to fight for her, but how do I do that and make her realize what is so obvious, that we would so much better than they ever were, that she will be loved and know about it, and we would truly be partners? I want to fight for her so bad, but she told me that she just wanted to be alone for a while and figure things out on her own. I don’t know what to do, do I leave her be and let her realize on her own what she wants, or do I keep trying to contact her to let her know how much I want to be with her? Because I know the ex is going to be constantly hounding her. Just looking for some advice…
Marshbear Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 You are experiencing that :thing women do when they have a good man there but the one that treats them rotten shows up and they are so thankful he is still paying attention to them syndrome. Women want what they can't have and if the ex shows up and wants them again they go running back for more.Women do it all the time. The safe guy (you) will be there if they want but they still love the fact that he paid attention to them. The ex doesn't want her but she will not see that until he either leaves her for good or she falls out of love with him. Love is blind as they say and I would tell her how you feel but also tell her if she goes back with him you will not wait for her. Chances are she will go with him and then she might come crawling back to you later when he leaves her again. The decision will then be yours....
MadDog Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Don't waste any more time with her. Here's why: 1. She's not over him (hence the contstant talking about him from the very start) 2. He seems like a psycho who could end up trying to kill you (although that's not much of a problem if you're a tough guy) 3. She likes the abuse (and you don't seem lilke the kind of guy that would give her what she likes) I'll bet if you told her what a stupid bitch she was for even talking to the guy, she'd totally be into you. She's one of those girls that like being put down and abused. She's definately got a few screws loose. You could probably sleep with her if that's what you wanted but what would be the challenge?
faux Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 In my past, I have noticed that women who talk about how bad their exes were sometimes are not always telling the truth. It does sound like this guy is not a great person, but it also does not sound like she is over him. If she has to take the time to think about his proposal, it sounds like trouble. Ultimately, whatever she wants to do is up to her. I think that all you can do is let her decide.
Author goodguy Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 I haven't contacting her since Tuesday, and haven't heard anything from her either. Should I even bother to call her this weekend? She said she was going to meet one of her girlfriends that lives out of town to try and get away from everything for a little bit. What about just sending her a text message to let her know I am still thinking about her and I miss her?
innerconflict Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Hey goodguy....I sympathize your situation. The other posters are right on target. Don't initiate contact...no matter how hard it is. This girl may be great but it is obvious she is not strong enough to kick this guy out of her life. Do you really want to be with someone who allows others to treat them like dirt? And than go back for more? You seem like a great guy...find yourself a great girl who is able to have a mature relationship.
simplyconfused Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Maybe you should somehow let her know you are considering starting family in the future with her as well. That may sound like a stupid advice, but maybe she really wants to marry (esp since she is 27) and she is in a situation where there is a guy who already proposed her and another guy she just started meeting up with and maybe she is not happy with the prospect of waiting for possibly another 3 years if she stays with you and then it possibly not working out at the end.. I dont think it's a good idea for calling her as well, but if you do talk to her I'd tell her something like that, that's if you are ready for it/ considering it yourself.
Author goodguy Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 Simplyconfused, she absolutely knows that I really want to start a family as well. Even though we have only been seeing each other a month, we have talked about what we want out of our futures, which is kind what made us closer because we are very similar in that respect. We are both very close with our families and want to start ones of our own. She had told me that her parents had told her (half joking, but half serious) not to bring anybody home anymore unless she was serious about that person. So when she made it a point to have a family barbecue so that her family could meet me, I felt like she felt strongly towards me. While we were there she told me her ex would always rush her out of her parents' house, but I enjoyed myself just hanging out with her family because I am used to doing the same thing. She even took me to see her "adopted grandmother" (a super cute 103 year old woman who she became very close with while she was working at the retirement home). I hit it off so well with the woman that my girl couldn't believe it. She said in the 3 years she was with her ex, he never came with her once when she would ask him to come visit with her. Even the 103 year old woman told me she hated the guy and that T and I looked so good together. But, obsviously since we have been only dating a month, our future right now is all speculation. I mean, I can't compete with a marriage proposal, but I did tell her that we have such a bright future together and she knows how I feel about wanting to be with her long term. I think what you said about her feeling like she'd be taking a huge risk to be with me and then having nothing to show for it is true. So I told her I understood that, but even if we didn't end up together, at least she wouldn't be subjecting herself to this jerk who is ultimately just going to hurt her. I told her I could definitely see us ending up together, but the only way we can find out is if she took that chance and broke her pattern of crap with this guy.
simplyconfused Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Well in that case, i'd probably say give her some "space" and just be there for her (though not if she tries it with her ex first and then comes back to you). Ultimately however harsh that sounds you can't do anything in that situation in the sense that she'l have to decide for herself and take it that way if she does love you she'l stay with you. Best of luck with it !
Author goodguy Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 Well, I got a call from T last night and she left me a voicemail saying she is moving in with her ex and that we probably won't talk much anymore. She said it was easier for her to leave a voicemail because hearing my voice would just set her off crying. I called her back and obviously she didn't answer so I left a message telling her that I felt so sorry for her because she is 100% just going to get hurt again. Obviously she needs to be mistreated and I am not the one to do that. I told her I had an awesome month with her, and would always remember the connection we had. I told her when he hurts her again she will remember the great times and future we could have had and kick herself, but I will have moved on. She could have had paradise, but she blew it. I told her goodbye and that was that. I erased her number, email, and everything. She has no self respect and I can't be with someone like that, even though somewhere down the line she will come back, I will just have to turn her down. What's with women, are there any out there that want to be treated with respect by a smart, fun, good-looking, successful guy?
MadDog Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 Originally posted by goodguy She said it was easier for her to leave a voicemail because hearing my voice would just set her off crying. Isn't your voice on your voicemail? This chick can't even tell a convincing lie. In either case, you shouldn't have even bothered calling her back (waste of time.) You could have been spending that time finding the next girl you could be having fun with. Life's too short to be preaching to the deaf. At least you realized she's a waste of time. Lots of people seem intent on wondering what they can do to change their situation and make a girl like her see the error of their ways. The bottom line is, you can't. If people have issues, they have issues and there isn't much you can do about it. At least you know that a cooler, hotter chick is just around the corner. All it takes is a little luck and some skill. Happy hunting.
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