ninjastylez Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 Two months ago, i made a huge decision in my life, either accept a job abroad, or stay for a girl i got to know shortly before. There was a thing in her which i cant describe with words, something that made me stay, something special about her. She had her first ever long relationship after me, but alerady half year passed after that, which was a huge shock in her life, when it ended. It was all great, she was wildly happy and excited that i stayed for her, she was shining and lively. Her parents, her friends, all were so surprised that shes such alive again, everyone wanted to meet me, the guy who got her out of the mud and grey. It has gone like that for two months, when it happened; She broke up with me, saying that special thing is gone for nearly two weeks now, and she cant tell why, but shed rather end it now, before i get more hurt later. She realy a trustworthy and mature girl, but she lacks experience in relationships, which i think got her scared now. First time i encountered something strange, was when in same time (two weeks ago) her workplace problems started and i ran into a wall she built around herself. A wall in which she rather choses to solve problems by herself alone, and not allowing me to try and help. In a way i think this was the real problem, she didnt let me in when the bigger problems came, and she closed in and had bad days where even my presence didnt help her. Maybe I am wrong, but i feel its something that could be helped in her to be gone, the wall to fall down, but now i am in despair how to do it. She worth it all the time and effort, i stayed with her for a reason. Problem is i dont know how and where to start....she said she doesnt at all want to lose me because im still more then a friend, but less to be a partner. Does any of you faced something like this before with such a hard-to-crack girl? Do you readers think i should apply NC and come appearing again later? Was thinking during that time she might feel my abscene and reconsider her decision, because as far as my opinion goes, where there was already such a flame, it could be ignited agaun. Or maybe its a thing only i think could be helped, and i should let it go? Sorry for the long post, and in advance thank you for any replys and help. If anyone has a question regarding this situation, im happy to make the story more clear.
ravfour4 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 She sounds kind of immature. Of course she's going to be super happy to see a guy make a huge decision to stay with her rather than pursue his "dreams", I'd probably have done the same thing - a woman you love > a job most of the time. It sounds like after that the "romance" wore off a bit and maybe the distance you're feeling when she's not letting you help her with her issues is just overall distance in the relationship - unless things are otherwise great except for when she has a large issue. If it's just that, I'd flat out say, "I'd love to help you out with what's going on, is there anything I can do?". Maybe she's just the type of girl who needs space and likes to think alone, if that's the case, let her. Maybe she just isn't feeling it as much as she was before in which case the relationship may be coming to a close. I don't think going NC etc. would change the way she reacts to stressful situations, that's something innate to who she is. 1
Satu Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 Just as you are being yourself, she is being herself. If it fits, it fits. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If it fits for you, it might not fit for her. She has the right to be who she is, as do you. Can you accept her as who she is?
Author ninjastylez Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 Like i said shes immature in relationship history, and not overall (not by age, not the way of thinking) Everything was fine until the time her workplace stuff came in sight and thats when she started caving in. She wasnt always like that, because even her parents told her its something wrong since her past relationship. That sometimes she doesnt let in her parents anymore too. She herself said shes afraid of the future, because now she doesnt know if she will feel that "special thing" again as in her first relationship, and as in the beginning of ours. She also admited, the reason she started solving her things alone, because when her problems came, people got tired and annoyed listening to her all over again, so she started to close them out, and get around by herself. It just feels theres some way around that wall to get to her, to show her shes not alone with her problems, and things would change if shed open up a bit more to me.Just like she done in the beginning. I just dont know which way to beging with now.
ravfour4 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 If she doesn't think anyone will listen or that you'll get annoyed - tell her you want to hear her problems and that you promise you won't get annoyed and that you really want to help. If that's truly it, she should open up if she knows you're sincere. Or say "are you sure you don't want to talk? I'd really like to know what's going on if you want to tell me"
todreaminblue Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 walls are hard to break when you arent the one behind that wall....the only real thing i can say is tell her you are there for her when she needs to talk.....that you want to listen...not that you feel you have to listen...just be there dont mention that you are there again..dont exude pressure..she knows you have told her already....and like all walls that were ever built.....theres always a crack that opens up ..just give it time....good luck.deb
Author ninjastylez Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 walls are hard to break when you arent the one behind that wall....the only real thing i can say is tell her you are there for her when she needs to talk.....that you want to listen...not that you feel you have to listen...just be there dont mention that you are there again..dont exude pressure..she knows you have told her already....and like all walls that were ever built.....theres always a crack that opens up ..just give it time....good luck.deb I told her the last time we met, that even if i wont contact her for a time because i need to get my head together, doesnt mean I dont care about her, and if anything happens and she needs me, she should write and ill be there. I just dont know which would be better...start a No Contact period, and during that not reply at all, harsh and evil, but maybe this way she will feel the lack of me. And when the NC is over, appear again in her life, maybe making the same or better impact as first time. Or just wait for her to come to me without NC time, and be there when she needs it, but then im afraid id be stuck as only a friend in her eyes forever.
kitkatleen Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I have this wall that I've build up over the years too. It's because I'm too afraid to be hurt again. I've been betrayed so many times that I choose to be behind the wall. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. I'm really hard to get close to but my ex managed to break it down through pushing it. I keep pushing him away but he keep pulling me back. Though in the end he left me.. I just feel like we are a tough nut to crack.. I don't know if she's the same but just know it's not easy.
Author ninjastylez Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 I have this wall that I've build up over the years too. It's because I'm too afraid to be hurt again. I've been betrayed so many times that I choose to be behind the wall. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. I'm really hard to get close to but my ex managed to break it down through pushing it. I keep pushing him away but he keep pulling me back. Though in the end he left me.. I just feel like we are a tough nut to crack.. I don't know if she's the same but just know it's not easy. Thank you for sharing your view and opinion, Im glad to hear it from someone whos on the inner side of that wall. The situation is kind of same with her. By any chance could you share some thoughts how did your ex manage to crack it a bit open, and what were the things he did that managed to pull u back to him?
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I'm still stuck on the part where you picked some girl of a great employment opportunity. That doesn't sound like a good idea to me unless you were looking for a reason not to take the job. Anyway, you can't generally break down other people's walls. All you can ever do is stick around long enough & behave honorably so they voluntarily let you in. She was unwilling to do that.
Author ninjastylez Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 I'm still stuck on the part where you picked some girl of a great employment opportunity. That doesn't sound like a good idea to me unless you were looking for a reason not to take the job. Anyway, you can't generally break down other people's walls. All you can ever do is stick around long enough & behave honorably so they voluntarily let you in. She was unwilling to do that. Well might have been my stupidty, but i reconsidered stuff, and decided human connections over a job opportunity. No idea how to express it or write down, but ive seen something in her, which i didnt see before in any girls i dated. Otherwise i wouldnt have registered here asking for others advices and opinions. Still to make her let me i know i need time, but still im at the point where i cant decide what would be better, as i wrote above. Basically go with the total 30 days NC time, or simply speak again when shes looking for my company and comfort.
kitkatleen Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Thank you for sharing your view and opinion, Im glad to hear it from someone whos on the inner side of that wall. The situation is kind of same with her. By any chance could you share some thoughts how did your ex manage to crack it a bit open, and what were the things he did that managed to pull u back to him? Hmm good question. Sometimes I push him to the point of forcing him to leave but he will stay firm and tell me he loves me and no matter how I push, he will pull me back. Slowly I began to open out, he listens to me and isn't afraid to tell me off. Sometimes I just need to hear the truth. And then I'll stop and think, then I'll realise that I'm wrong, it's really hard. But honestly it's not easy and we struggle with the wall as well. My ex eventually left me, he stopped loving me. Now my wall is back up even stronger.
lolablue17 Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Well, yes, i've experienced girls like her, each had her special way... It could be one of few things, or maybe all together. 1. Sorry but the most common is "another guy". It doesn't mean necessarily cheating, but don't be surprise if she suddenly has "a new boyfriend". 2. She may have commitment issues, and to be with the same one for a long period scares her. She said she doesn't want to hurt you (that's why she ended it now) but she really was talking about her self. The only problem with this version is that if this is the case she would have told you that she is confused, and doesn't sure about you. She could share it with you. But why did she say: "The spark has gone"? That brings me back to reason one: the existence of another guy in the picture. 3. She has short term needs. She needs high level excitements and thrills. You gave up a job for her - WOW!! You've built high level of expectations which are very difficult to be fulfilled. If you approach her now with 100 buckets of flowers + tickets to a great show which you have had to make lots of efforts to get, or to spend a lot of money for it, Maybe she wouldn't have left you. But you can't base a relationship on these kind of gestures. If she's looking good she will always find the new one for her, until she's older and then she's expected to live an unhappy life.
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