BikerAccnt Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 because it's becoming increasingly clear that my GF of a bit more than a year is losing/lost interest in me, but won't come out and say it. She'd broken things off with me once before, back in October, but we got back together and , truthfully looking back on things, it's been a bit of a struggle ever since. We don't fight, argue, or even disagree about much. But it's clear she doesn't feel towards me, the way I feel towards her. I love her, I don't think she loves me, or is even capable of it at this point in her life. Recently, about two month now she's kept me at arms length, doesn't call, text, or much respond to them either. She She's got a tough life, and I cut her a lot of slack because of it, too much slack perhaps. She's putting a daughter thru college, helping her son deal with a pre-mature baby, has an ******* of an ex-husband, just recently lost her job and had to take a part time one with screwy hours, and now, the death of a friends kid. Working with her schedule has always been difficult, but now, it's becoming impossible. With all this going on I've stuck by her, but now, especially with the lack of communication/dates I think I've reached my limit. She just blew me off for this weekend, too much going on to fit me in apparently, and it wasn't even by phone, but by text. Comon, she's 50 and I'm 55. Pick up the freakin' phone. So I feel like a heel, thinking about breaking up with her with all the **** going on in her life but...a relationship is supposed to be about two people helping each other thru and over life's hurdles, and if she doesn't want my help, who am I to force it on her. At first I thought it was just because of everything going on, and I'm sure that's part of it, but I 've also become sure it's something deeper. Anyway, thinking about giving it another week, both for her, and for me to get my thoughts together, then, if nothing changes, I think I need to be the bad guy; because I think she needs me to be this time.
erklat Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 Mirror her. She doesn't text, you don't either. See where it goes but keep your foot near the door. I wish I had that attitude when I saw that my ex was loosing interest. 2
LooperDooper Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 Beware. These are early signs she's slowly stepping out and there is nothing better than your instinct in these situations. If you sense it, be the one to end it early before she does. At least it'll give you the opportunity to break clear rather than be strung along. But seriously beware with her actions because when she is ready (or when she has somebody else) she'll step out so it's easier on her. Don't be the one being stepped on. 1
xxoo Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 With all this going on I've stuck by her, but now, especially with the lack of communication/dates I think I've reached my limit. She just blew me off for this weekend, too much going on to fit me in apparently, and it wasn't even by phone, but by text. Comon, she's 50 and I'm 55. Pick up the freakin' phone. So I feel like a heel, thinking about breaking up with her with all the **** going on in her life but...a relationship is supposed to be about two people helping each other thru and over life's hurdles, and if she doesn't want my help, who am I to force it on her. At first I thought it was just because of everything going on, and I'm sure that's part of it, but I 've also become sure it's something deeper. The bolded is key. Hard times should have her leaning on you more, not distancing herself. But a year in and going on dates has got to be exhausting. At some point, you just want to go home and chill, and it's much easier if your partner lives there, too. Then you can share a meal, talk, have sex, cuddle, fall asleep, at the end of each day without added stress. Have you two ever talked about advancing the relationship?
Author BikerAccnt Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 The bolded is key. Hard times should have her leaning on you more, not distancing herself. But a year in and going on dates has got to be exhausting. At some point, you just want to go home and chill, and it's much easier if your partner lives there, too. Then you can share a meal, talk, have sex, cuddle, fall asleep, at the end of each day without added stress. Have you two ever talked about advancing the relationship? At our ages there really isn't much advancing to be done.. Neither of us are interested in getting married again, nor were we interested in moving in with one another at this point. Though occasionally we'd banter about it, especially as I will be moving this year. But, she still has a kid at home she's helping put thru college and no real interest yet. And truthfully, I'm not sure I would be ready for that again yet either. Dating I suppose is the wrong word, we were much further along than that. We were exclusive, only saw each other and she spent the weekends here whenever she could. We'd be together from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. She could not however, say she loved me. I think she is/was afraid to. I know a lot of people my age, who are perfectly happy with long term relationships without living together. After all, by this time, many of us own our own homes, our own things, and it gets harder to meld them together.
xxoo Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 We'd be together from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. She could not however, say she loved me. I think she is/was afraid to. Being together from Fri-Sun sounds fine. I got the impression you went out on dates by the comment of not being about to fit you in. Couldn't she just go "home" to your place at the end of a long day? Sometimes that's all we can fit in, but it means a lot. Her not saying she loves you is surely the more important thing.
Ruby65 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 I know a lot of people my age, who are perfectly happy with long term relationships without living together. After all, by this time, many of us own our own homes, our own things, and it gets harder to meld them together. I don't know a lot of women in this age group who'd be any happier with perpetual dating than when we were younger. I certainly wouldn't continue to see someone who wasn't wanting to fully merge lives and make it official. I think this is a good point that's been raised and that you should consider that she might've just gotten tired of waiting for more commitment and that caused her to lose feelings for you.
Author BikerAccnt Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 Being together from Fri-Sun sounds fine. I got the impression you went out on dates by the comment of not being about to fit you in. Couldn't she just go "home" to your place at the end of a long day? Sometimes that's all we can fit in, but it means a lot. Her not saying she loves you is surely the more important thing. I agree, not saying the I love you is the important thing, though she did say a couple of times "just because I can't say it, doesn't mean I'm not showing it." Still...one wonders.. I would stop by her place once a weeknight or so on my way home, as I had to pass it, but she also is a hairdresser, and did hair weeknights after her regular job. So, I would end up sitting there and talking to her and her hair customers. They all like me. This is what I meant by very busy and hard to fit me in. She had her full time job, till she lost it, her hair customers, (would actually need to go home many saturday's, do her hair customers, then come back over) and then she started working part time around the holiday's too. It just became impossible as of January to really see her more than once a week. And that just isn't enough . She's got a lot of issues, but a heart as big and warm as the world. It's really sad to see it ending, but I think it is.
Author BikerAccnt Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 I don't know a lot of women in this age group who'd be any happier with perpetual dating than when we were younger. I certainly wouldn't continue to see someone who wasn't wanting to fully merge lives and make it official. I think this is a good point that's been raised and that you should consider that she might've just gotten tired of waiting for more commitment and that caused her to lose feelings for you. No Ruby, don't think so. She told me many many times, she would never get married again, and had no interest in moving in with me, or anyone else. On this point I'm certain. At least for her. Besides, I wouldn't want to move in with someone, who can't tell me they love me. Also, I think deciding to move in with someone after just one year, is too soon. At least with my marriage, it turned out that way.
Ruby65 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 If she's not seeing a future of at the very least living together... then no, she's not that into you. 1
Author BikerAccnt Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 If she's not seeing a future of at the very least living together... then no, she's not that into you. With that, I think I can agree. 1
Ruby65 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 I only point it out so you can recognize this red flag in the future and walk away sooner. It doesn't have to do with age, or having your own home. Especially a struggling single mom is going to want you there all the time, to help and support her like a real partner. But yeah -- major red flags: not saying she loves you... and saying she'll never get married again and doesn't even want to live together. Onward and upward! You can do better. 1
xxoo Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 I agree that not considering moving in together, ever, may be tied into lack of investment overall. Going to each other's homes grows tiring, esp when life gets stressful. People move in together for ease of relationships as much as anything else. Taking that off the table limits things, and maybe is used to limit things.
Author BikerAccnt Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 You may be right. Though I say I don't want to get married again, I don't hold the door closed against it. And I'm certainly not against living with someone again myself. Though, after 2 failed attempts at it - one marriage, one LTR - I'm certainly very gun shy. Saying that you are never willing to consider it again...yeah, I should have seen that as a natural way to limit the relationship, right from the start. And my getting as close as I have, I think, has scared her off. I don't think it's so much she's lost feeling for me as, maybe she never had it to the degree that I did, and that my strong feelings, are causing her to pull back.
Ruby65 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 I agree. When someone's telling you from the start no marriage, no living together... that's not something you say to someone you're fully invested in or see a future with. It sounds like she was comfortable with your gun-shy approach because she wasn't that into you anyway, but then when you wanted more she pulled back.
spiderowl Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 There's lots of sad things going on in her life, yes, but that's the time when you really need your guy around for comfort and support. The fact that she's excluding you speaks volumes. I think you are right and she's lost interest. You might as well call it a day then at least you'll know you can move on when you've got over this. Sorry. xx
Author BikerAccnt Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) So..this is a follow up post to my "guess I need to be the bad guy post. So, as I mentioned, my GF of a bit more than a year has made it pretty clear over the past 2 months that she's lost interest in me. Ok, Fine. I don't like it, want it but, it is what it is. IT also seems clear that for whatever reason, she's loath to communicate that with me/break up with me. We haven't spoken on the phone in over a week, not had a text since Saturday. Last night, I decided I wanted an official end, so I called her. She works evenings, different days and schedules, so it was a crapshoot if she'd be home, or if she even was, if she'd pick, up the phone. I got her voicemail. I left a short message saying that I'd like to get together with her so we "could talk, have a quick discussion that we both know we need to have." I asked her to call me and let me know when her schedule permitted and I'd arrange mine so we could meet." Nothing so far. I know I only called her yesterday but still, had I received that type of call, I'd have returned it or texted as soon as I could. Anyway, I am rather pissed that a good relationship is probably going to end on the sour note of a fade-away. It's not what I would have expected from her and it's rather surprising to me. I'm actually a bit more upset about that, than about the relationship running it's course. For me, I want a firm affirmation that the relationship is over. I don't really care why, I can't make someone love me if they don't, I just want the end spelled out. Right now, if I don't hear from her by Saturday, I plan on calling her one last time, and even if it's by voice mail, tell her that in my opinion, the relationship is done . Something along the lines of.. "I had been hoping to hear from you so we could talk, but if you feel you need to end things without doing that, that's your choice. I just wanted to say goodbye and wish you and your family the best of luck." I know, I know, I shouldn't, I should just drop it. BUT for me, I need to end things. I can't leave it open ended. I want her to know that I know it's over. So is this an absolutely horrible Idea or what? I don't expect it to accomplish anything relationship wise, I expect it to give closure for me. For some reason, it doesn't feel real to me, unless I say it to her. Even if it ends up being said to her voice mail. --edited to remove the calling her out for fading away -- I think that would be as bad on my end, as it is on her for doing it. Edited May 7, 2015 by BikerAccnt
Ruby65 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I'd go ahead and text her that message instead of waiting until Saturday. At least that way she knows what you were calling about and you won't spend the next three days waiting to hear from her. I think it's a fine message.
NopeNah Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I'd go ahead and text her that message instead of waiting until Saturday. At least that way she knows what you were calling about and you won't spend the next three days waiting to hear from her. I think it's a fine message. Yep! If you're intent on doing it,just rip off the band aid,instead of slowly pulling it.
Author BikerAccnt Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Thanks Ruby. There's really nothing more to say in the message that I can think of. If I said anything further, it probably wouldn't be good. I like your idea of not waiting till Saturday. I may give it till tomorrow (Friday) morning, so in the event she was busy or is getting her thoughts together, she can call. And I like your idea of doing it by text, no need for me to leave another voice mail if she can't even give me the courtesy of a return call. Sad really, first time since I was divorced, and all the dates in between, that I actually fell in love with someone. I'm going to be 55 soon, and am really tired of the game...and would not have expected the fade away, from someone this age.
BlueIris Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Breaking up with someone is a necessity sometimes. It's better than staying together when you don't want to. Try not to point fingers or get into good guy/bad guy thinking. It's power struggle and pointless. The relationship just isn't going to work for you. Just tell her that and express your appreciation of what you had together and wish her well.
Author BikerAccnt Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Well, I sent the message this morning, and she responded. This was all via text, she didn't want to "talk". I kind of wish she hadn't, it would have been easier. At first, she was like "well I could have stopped by to see why she wasn't calling." and she could understand why I wouldn't want to be "with a nut job like her anymore" . After that, she settled down a bit. We are still breaking up, it's very sad. I don't think she really want's to (or shes' just throwing me breadcrumbs), and I know I don't, but, it seems to be what's best. I asked her point blank if she wanted me in her life, wanted to break up, and she replied "Right now I can't give you an answer. I don't have a life and I don't know where I a am going. Every moment in my head is a struggle. I can't be who you want me to be. I can't figure me out, Why would I drag you down with me. U have a job, u have a life and u can find the right girl who isn't messed up like me. IT's not a want to, I need to, to let u be u and to find the right woman. I'm not her right now. I'm lost" So, we agreed to step back and end it. My heart hurts...What a crappy Friday.
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