delilah88 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 First time posting and first time putting my thoughts into words. Looking for some advice, insight or maybe just for people to share their own perspective and experience. Sorry in advance for the wall of text. I have been with my partner since I was 19, we are both 25 now. Also lived together for the past 2 years. I feel safe with him, I know that he loves me and that I can trust him 100%. He is a very caring, responsible and affectionate person that I know would make a great husband and father down the line. I feel confident that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and is completely committed to me and our life together. Part of the reason that a lot of these issues are coming to light now is that most of our friends are now getting married / engaged. When people started questioning when it would be our turn, I started to realize that in fact I was not 100% sure. We are both getting older, I don't want to waste our time any longer if there is no future. We have some recurring issues that I just can't seem to resolve on my end.. they have been discussed before but no real resolution has come from these discussions. 1. Sexually - we are not very compatible and never truly have been in my eyes. At the start of our relationship, there was at least the excitement of a new partner and we were intimate almost daily. As time went on, the frequency decreased until now it is only once every 4-6 weeks. These days it feels more like it happens out of obligation rather than desire (on both ends). For the past few months, he often loses his erection and we have to stop. I have always been an extremely sexual person which has only increased with age as I become more in tune with my wants and desires. If I am 100% honest, he does not satisfy me sexually even if the frequency went back up to daily/weekly. I am really concerned about how this will affect us especially if we are to stay together for another 5, 10, 20 years. 2. Togetherness - Although we have been together for as long as we have, we lead very separate lives. We do not share mutual friends, hobbies or interests. Instead of growing together over the years, I feel that we are simply growing older at the same time and place. We spend maybe 2 days a week together (not counting mornings before work) and those times are almost always spent simply watching TV, not really talking or connecting with each other. Don't get me wrong, we have a great friendship - share a lot of laughs and jokes with each other and get along great but not sure that's enough. I feel that #2 could be fixed with a lot of effort on both sides but #1 is just not likely to change. Almost exactly a year ago, we had a huge fight and I moved out for a week. During that time I resolved that it was time to move on however he managed to convince me to work things out. Although we remained together, I feel that I never returned to being 100% committed / attached to the relationship as I previously was. Primarily I would like some thoughts on the above as I feel it reflects the main issue in my relationship. However, in the interest of full disclosure I will also share the following: Recently I went away on a girl's trip and kissed a guy at a bar. To be clear, there was no emotional affair - we kissed in a nightclub a few times before I stopped it from going any further. I never saw or spoke to that guy again. It was me being careless, selfish and getting caught up in an alcohol-fueled moment. With that said, I often go away on vacations without him and even often go out in our hometown without him as well (like I said, separate lives). This has never happened before in our entire time together and in fact I have never even been tempted to. After this happened, I went home and could not stop thinking about it. Mostly about how guilty I felt and how I could put myself in that situation. Also (if I am honest) how great it felt to feel that passion and excitement again, even for a few seconds with a stranger. I guess I am just looking for opinions, thoughts, anything. I have tried to be as honest and objective as I can about the situation. I've heard a lot of girls in their mid-to-late 20s and in long term relationships goes through this - do you think perhaps I am making a mistake in wanting to separate? He is a really great guy in so many ways. I'm scared if I leave him, I will never find someone who loves me as much but I know that is selfish of me to think that way.
chantos Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 (edited) I think you'll do just fine in a sexually-unfulfilling, disconnected, vacant wraith of a relationship the foundations of which you've already destroyed by hooking up with another dude at a bar, rationalizing it away because it wasn't "emotional cheating," then revamping it and saying you actually kinda liked it. I would dump you on the spot if I were your bf. You owe it to him to let him find someone better. You owe it to yourself to find someone who satisfies you better in all aspects. If this is honestly how you feel, (and you are right to come here and be honest), you need to move on. You can absolutely find someone who is better in bed, has similar interests, and loves you. None of this sounds like it was written by a woman who loves her man in any meaningful way. Don't cheat on anybody again. It's selfish and no man worth his salt will ever be with you. We can sense that trait in girls and we use them for sex and send them on their way. If you want to kiss other guys break things off with your bf. Edited May 2, 2015 by chantos
Author delilah88 Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 I think you'll do just fine in a sexually-unfulfilling, disconnected, vacant wraith of a relationship the foundations of which you've already destroyed by hooking up with another dude at a bar, rationalizing it away because it wasn't "emotional cheating," then revamping it and saying you actually kinda liked it. I would dump you on the spot if I were your bf. You owe it to him to let him find someone better. You owe it to yourself to find someone who satisfies you better in all aspects. If this is honestly how you feel, (and you are right to come here and be honest), you need to move on. You can absolutely find someone who is better in bed, has similar interests, and loves you. None of this sounds like it was written by a woman who loves her man in any meaningful way. Don't cheat on anybody again. It's selfish and no man worth his salt will ever be with you. We can sense that trait in girls and we use them for sex and send them on their way. If you want to kiss other guys break things off with your bf. Thank you for your response. Was not trying to rationalize by saying it's not emotional cheating.. I think physical cheating is equally wrong, but perhaps it came off the wrong way in my original email. I appreciate your honesty, it is the reason I came on here instead of seeking sugar-coated advice from friends. The 2 I have confided in have both said it might be a phase that will pass and excused my behaviour as a one-time mistake. Myself, I know I was selfish and am still being selfish right now. You are right - the cheating trait is undesirable for both men and women. It is not something I want to have as a label or continue to do.
Redhead14 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 First time posting and first time putting my thoughts into words. Looking for some advice, insight or maybe just for people to share their own perspective and experience. Sorry in advance for the wall of text. I have been with my partner since I was 19, we are both 25 now. Also lived together for the past 2 years. I feel safe with him, I know that he loves me and that I can trust him 100%. He is a very caring, responsible and affectionate person that I know would make a great husband and father down the line. I feel confident that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and is completely committed to me and our life together. Part of the reason that a lot of these issues are coming to light now is that most of our friends are now getting married / engaged. When people started questioning when it would be our turn, I started to realize that in fact I was not 100% sure. We are both getting older, I don't want to waste our time any longer if there is no future. We have some recurring issues that I just can't seem to resolve on my end.. they have been discussed before but no real resolution has come from these discussions. 1. Sexually - we are not very compatible and never truly have been in my eyes. At the start of our relationship, there was at least the excitement of a new partner and we were intimate almost daily. As time went on, the frequency decreased until now it is only once every 4-6 weeks. These days it feels more like it happens out of obligation rather than desire (on both ends). For the past few months, he often loses his erection and we have to stop. I have always been an extremely sexual person which has only increased with age as I become more in tune with my wants and desires. If I am 100% honest, he does not satisfy me sexually even if the frequency went back up to daily/weekly. I am really concerned about how this will affect us especially if we are to stay together for another 5, 10, 20 years. 2. Togetherness - Although we have been together for as long as we have, we lead very separate lives. We do not share mutual friends, hobbies or interests. Instead of growing together over the years, I feel that we are simply growing older at the same time and place. We spend maybe 2 days a week together (not counting mornings before work) and those times are almost always spent simply watching TV, not really talking or connecting with each other. Don't get me wrong, we have a great friendship - share a lot of laughs and jokes with each other and get along great but not sure that's enough. I feel that #2 could be fixed with a lot of effort on both sides but #1 is just not likely to change. Almost exactly a year ago, we had a huge fight and I moved out for a week. During that time I resolved that it was time to move on however he managed to convince me to work things out. Although we remained together, I feel that I never returned to being 100% committed / attached to the relationship as I previously was. Primarily I would like some thoughts on the above as I feel it reflects the main issue in my relationship. However, in the interest of full disclosure I will also share the following: Recently I went away on a girl's trip and kissed a guy at a bar. To be clear, there was no emotional affair - we kissed in a nightclub a few times before I stopped it from going any further. I never saw or spoke to that guy again. It was me being careless, selfish and getting caught up in an alcohol-fueled moment. With that said, I often go away on vacations without him and even often go out in our hometown without him as well (like I said, separate lives). This has never happened before in our entire time together and in fact I have never even been tempted to. After this happened, I went home and could not stop thinking about it. Mostly about how guilty I felt and how I could put myself in that situation. Also (if I am honest) how great it felt to feel that passion and excitement again, even for a few seconds with a stranger. I guess I am just looking for opinions, thoughts, anything. I have tried to be as honest and objective as I can about the situation. I've heard a lot of girls in their mid-to-late 20s and in long term relationships goes through this - do you think perhaps I am making a mistake in wanting to separate? He is a really great guy in so many ways. I'm scared if I leave him, I will never find someone who loves me as much but I know that is selfish of me to think that way. You have been honest with us about all this, but you're not being honest with yourself. You aren't accepting the reality of the situation. Until you do that, you're gonna be in "limbo" forever. I'm scared if I leave him -- If you are allowing fear to control you, you are not in control. You are operating in this relationship on auto-pilot. Going through the motions of a "relationship" without any real investment. Get real with yourself and your boyfriend. Items 1 & 2 should have been addressed way before you got 2 years into a relationship. 1
Gary S Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 Number one might be fixed with Viagra and counseling. People (him) need to understand that relationships take work, they should give their partner affection and sex whenever they want it. But they say it's such a chore - cry me a river! Number two - if you both sit down and make a list of 50 things you like and compare notes, you'll find plenty to do together. Who does not like walks on the beach? Plus, you should have a date night every week. The real problem is your love level is not stellar for this man. When not in love, people think they have nothing in common. When they are in love, they think they have a lot in common. Isn't it funny how love changes everything (almost)? 1
Author delilah88 Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 You have been honest with us about all this, but you're not being honest with yourself. You aren't accepting the reality of the situation. Until you do that, you're gonna be in "limbo" forever. I'm scared if I leave him -- If you are allowing fear to control you, you are not in control. You are operating in this relationship on auto-pilot. Going through the motions of a "relationship" without any real investment. Get real with yourself and your boyfriend. Items 1 & 2 should have been addressed way before you got 2 years into a relationship. Both #1 and #2 didn't seem to be problems when I was younger.. only in recent years as we have grown older and the "rest of our lives" doesn't seem that far away in the future. I guess now that we are in a "sh-t or get off the pot" situation, these 2 issues are magnified when I think about living with them for the next 20-30-40 years. You're right, I am allowing fear to control me. Fear of what will happen if I let him go, fear of what will happen if I don't. Not fair to him at all. The past week I have been very distant, almost off in my own world as I try to figure out what to do and how to address. The worst part is that he has noticed that I am "off" and is trying his best to do whatever possible to make me feel better. When you say that I am not being honest with myself, what do you mean?
Author delilah88 Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 Number one might be fixed with Viagra and counseling. People (him) need to understand that relationships take work, they should give their partner affection and sex whenever they want it. But they say it's such a chore - cry me a river! Number two - if you both sit down and make a list of 50 things you like and compare notes, you'll find plenty to do together. Who does not like walks on the beach? Plus, you should have a date night every week. The real problem is your love level is not stellar for this man. When not in love, people think they have nothing in common. When they are in love, they think they have a lot in common. Isn't it funny how love changes everything (almost)? #2 - you are right, there are lots of activities that we could do together. We have come up with lists before and did previously set a designated date night every week. The problem was that neither of us put these activities or date night as a priority. If something else came up we would set our plans together aside for the other thing - both of us did this. I agree with your last statement, when I felt in love with him - our "nothing in common" seemed almost more of a benefit than a detriment. We had so much freedom to live our own lives, have our personal space but loved to be together. It was great! Now that the "loving" feeling is dying out, I think the complete opposite. Very interesting observation..
Satu Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 (edited) From reading between the lines, I have gathered the impression that this all about you wanting to have some sexual adventures with a variety of men. That isn't in itself wrong, but you should be honest with yourself about it. You aren't really into the relationship anymore, are you? Its getting in your way, isn't it? Eh? Edited May 2, 2015 by Satu
chantos Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Thank you for your response. Was not trying to rationalize by saying it's not emotional cheating.. I think physical cheating is equally wrong, but perhaps it came off the wrong way in my original email. I appreciate your honesty, it is the reason I came on here instead of seeking sugar-coated advice from friends. The 2 I have confided in have both said it might be a phase that will pass and excused my behaviour as a one-time mistake. Myself, I know I was selfish and am still being selfish right now. You are right - the cheating trait is undesirable for both men and women. It is not something I want to have as a label or continue to do. Are your friends 65 years old? I'd not heed their counsel if not. That phase only intensifies as you age. You aren't even in your sexual peak whatsoever. Since we're all anonymous here I can tell you that I've slept with my fair share of married women in their late 30s just because they weren't getting it right from their husbands. It's not like I go out hunting for that drama either. The women literally throw themselves at you, no convincing needed on the guy's part whatsoever. They'll even call you a pussy and directly challenge your masculinity if you aren't interested. It's insane. Basically the exact same scenario where you did what you did with that other guy, only with 10 more years of sexual frustration built up, and 10 years of prime beauty gone, so you're wondering if you still "have it." All the counseling in the world won't give you that spark if you've never been satisfied by your guy. At 25 with high sexual energy are you going to have bad sex with one dude for the rest of your entire life? Be real... Did you tell your guy you kissed another guy? Seems like not. I have no say either way on what you should do there because it will likely crush him if he finds out but you're a harborer of dark secrets if you don't tell. Lose-lose. Again, more for his sake than for yours, I'd break up with the guy. Follow your instincts here. These are huge red flags. He's probably freaking out right now with no clue of what's going on. If you do break up don't tell him it's the sex. That can **** a guy up. You seem smart enough to know that though.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 This relationship has run it's course. Change is scary but it's time to change. When you are ready to change it will happen (unless you keep kissing random guys in bars in which case he will kick you out for cheating) Get your ducks in a row to move. Break up with him & move. It's as simply as that even though it's emotionally difficult. Whatever you do, don't get engaged or married. 1
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