davidromero43 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 This is an issue I have had for couple years. I think about it every day. When I first saw her, I thought she was so beautiful. Our relationship developed so fast. After a while of dating she asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I told her I don’t know. I told her I was not yet ready to make that commitment. A few weeks later I was out with my friends and I met this girl. She was all over me kissing like she was trying to get mouth to mouth resuscitation. But I knew right then that I didn’t want that. All I could think about was the woman that asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I text her right away that yes, I consider us boyfriend/girlfriend. I knew right then that I didn’t want anyone else. Months later we are talking about our exes. I say I have not been with anyone but her in well over a year, and I’m very happy to never be with anyone else again. She replied it had been months for her and she was just as happy. That she loves me so much. I said “months?”. She said after I said I was not ready to make a commitment, she was so angry that she had sex with a guy friend. She said it was no big deal. She said she really only wanted to be with me. That she didn’t want to be with him. She said she regretted it. She told me to just forget it. Well I have tried to forget it and I can’t. When she brings up a fantastic first date memory, I follow up with “then you f*cked someone else.”. I know I screwed up. We have a great marriage. When I say I want to see a therapist, it makes her angry. She says “just forget about it, I don’t want to relive it either.”. I really just want to forget about it. Why am I so screwed up?
jbrent890 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Dude you create so many threads about you naive. Isn't this the same woman who said that she cheated in previous marriages and relationships and that if you didn't make her happy, she would cheat on you too?
Author davidromero43 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 Dude you create so many threads about you naive. Isn't this the same woman who said that she cheated in previous marriages and relationships and that if you didn't make her happy, she would cheat on you too? I have only started one other thread. But I did put this in an answer to someone's thread. And yes, it was about giving 100% to the relationship. That neglecting the relationship could result in cheating.
redtail Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Maybe you just need to put this into perspective. She chose you. She loves you and married you. The transgression was when she was uncertain from your answer about BF/GF and she was feeling insecure, you've now made her feel secure enough for her to be your wife. Do you trust her now? By your own assessment, you have a "great marriage". If so, don't throw away a great relationship on baggage, unpack and love her like you'll never let her go.
oldshirt Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 This isn't going to be helpful to David at this stage of the game but for everyone else reading this thread, this is reason #3,457,193 of why people should not discuss their prior sexual experiences with current partners. There is never anything positive that can be gained from having these discussions and it can only cause turmoil, resentment, anxiety and problems. Just don't do it and do everything you can to discourage this practice to other people. Private matters are best kept private. There is nothing good to gained from having these discussions. Ever. The only reason anyone would ever even ask is so that they can judge you for it. If you say one person or one act too many, you will be judged as slutty, indiscriminate and skanky. If you say one too few, you are a loser and a pussy. You're only viable option is to not enter the discussion. 1
Million.to.1 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I think the real question here is why are you so insecure? First that thread about the huge cock that almost ripped your wife in half and caused her pain, that you were jealous of for some bizarre reason.....and now this? You will drive your wife away with your totally irrational fears. She wants you! and this is all in your head. Start focusing on being a great partner and lover and stop comparing yourself to men who aren't even in her life anymore!
sandylee1 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 OP She asked the question and you didn't commit at that time, so I honestly think you need to drop it. I do not consider her actions to be cheating and I can understand her feeling hurt when you gave that response. You need to focus on where you are now and how your marriage is now. Forget what happened before as she wasn't dishonest at the time. 1
petit_souris Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 This is an issue I have had for couple years. I think about it every day. When I first saw her, I thought she was so beautiful. Our relationship developed so fast. After a while of dating she asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I told her I don’t know. I told her I was not yet ready to make that commitment. A few weeks later I was out with my friends and I met this girl. She was all over me kissing like she was trying to get mouth to mouth resuscitation. But I knew right then that I didn’t want that. All I could think about was the woman that asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I text her right away that yes, I consider us boyfriend/girlfriend. I knew right then that I didn’t want anyone else. Months later we are talking about our exes. I say I have not been with anyone but her in well over a year, and I’m very happy to never be with anyone else again. She replied it had been months for her and she was just as happy. That she loves me so much. I said “months?”. She said after I said I was not ready to make a commitment, she was so angry that she had sex with a guy friend. She said it was no big deal. She said she really only wanted to be with me. That she didn’t want to be with him. She said she regretted it. She told me to just forget it. Well I have tried to forget it and I can’t. When she brings up a fantastic first date memory, I follow up with “then you f*cked someone else.”. I know I screwed up. We have a great marriage. When I say I want to see a therapist, it makes her angry. She says “just forget about it, I don’t want to relive it either.”. I really just want to forget about it. Why am I so screwed up? I can understand that kind of pain and I don't think you are screwed up at all. Falling in love is a very sensitive process and a big part of its beauty is the mirroring and reciprocity of it all. You and your wife seem to have fallen for eachother at different rythms, that's all. She probably fell in love with you (or realised she was in love) a little before you did and that made her ready for a committment you were not sure yet you could assume. Her action, having sex with someone else at that point, might have been a protective measure (a way to distance herself from you and her feelings for you, to stay on a safe ground, in case you will not want to committ at all). I think a therapist would be a good idea, to get this out of the way and clear things. 2
Author davidromero43 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Her action, having sex with someone else at that point, might have been a protective measure (a way to distance herself from you and her feelings for you, to stay on a safe ground, in case you will not want to committ at all). Exactly what she said. But knowing she gave everything I thought was special to another man, because she was angry with me, just kills me. She thinks I'm completely over it and fine. I would never let my insecurities ruin our great relationship. I have not brought it up to her in many many months. I do not plan to either. I just really wish it didn't bother me.
Minnie09 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Kudos to her for being upfront about 1) wanting to be exclusive and actually expressing it (while you were not, which is fine) and 2) being honest with you about having sex with another dude (it's just sex, and you weren't committed, which was your decision). So I think you should be thankful and consider yourself lucky.
Morro72 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I can understand that kind of pain and I don't think you are screwed up at all. Falling in love is a very sensitive process and a big part of its beauty is the mirroring and reciprocity of it all. You and your wife seem to have fallen for eachother at different rythms, that's all. She probably fell in love with you (or realised she was in love) a little before you did and that made her ready for a committment you were not sure yet you could assume. This analysis certainly describes the period of several years between the time my wife and I met and the time we were married. In our case, we went through several of these cycles, right until we got engaged, each of us taking turns playing the two roles, and sometimes with both of us playing both roles at the same time. I don't have any sage advice other than to say this sort of stuff burns itself out after a while. If it didn't, there would be a lot more people on this board telling stories like the one you're telling - I would be very surprised if a lot of couples don't go through something similar. Meanwhile, now is as good a time as any to say thanks to all of those forgettable, forgotten men and women who unknowingly played their parts in bringing me and my wife together. 2
Vercetti Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Cause you have devotion of your life and soul to her. Made vows to sacrifice anything for her. Only some random that did nothing got to be with her. It's insulting to you that even after encountering you, she would / could do such with someone not you. I don't think anger is the core of what you feel. Perhaps sad, disappointed, diminished. Anger is lashing out over those things, something you can't change that you have no control over. No words will help. You can love and trust her a be happy now. Time will probally even make things better if let it. If really bold could express the insecurity this gives you with her. After all, you just want to be her everything and special right? 1
calvincline47 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I disagree with the posts here. Women should not have sex flippantly like that. Personally, I think you are right to question her, especially if she cheated in a previous marriage. Just think....if she only slept with this guy because she felt vulnerable, what will happen if she feels vulnerable in your marriage?
sandylee1 Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I disagree with the posts here. Women should not have sex flippantly like that. Personally, I think you are right to question her, especially if she cheated in a previous marriage. So men should? He didnt commitat the time. She straight up asked and I don't see where she went wrong. Some people in her position may have chosen to break up with the bf, because he wasn't on the same page, but she decided that if he doesn't see the relationship as serious, why should she. OP - you need to leave it in the past.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Women like rules and labels, so if you don't associate a label then essentially they are free and you are free to do anything you'd like. Yes, they might stay in a way loosely committed to you...but chances are, in time they can and likely will sleep with another man. Especially if you just started dating her and she's asking you, she's not always asking for your behavior but to also determine her own. You should have just slept with that other woman and then committed to her, it's what she may have done.
Popsicle Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 This is an issue I have had for couple years. I think about it every day. When I first saw her, I thought she was so beautiful. Our relationship developed so fast. After a while of dating she asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I told her I don’t know. I told her I was not yet ready to make that commitment. A few weeks later I was out with my friends and I met this girl. She was all over me kissing like she was trying to get mouth to mouth resuscitation. But I knew right then that I didn’t want that. All I could think about was the woman that asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I text her right away that yes, I consider us boyfriend/girlfriend. I knew right then that I didn’t want anyone else. Months later we are talking about our exes. I say I have not been with anyone but her in well over a year, and I’m very happy to never be with anyone else again. She replied it had been months for her and she was just as happy. That she loves me so much. I said “months?”. She said after I said I was not ready to make a commitment, she was so angry that she had sex with a guy friend. She said it was no big deal. She said she really only wanted to be with me. That she didn’t want to be with him. She said she regretted it. She told me to just forget it. Well I have tried to forget it and I can’t. When she brings up a fantastic first date memory, I follow up with “then you f*cked someone else.”. I know I screwed up. We have a great marriage. When I say I want to see a therapist, it makes her angry. She says “just forget about it, I don’t want to relive it either.”. I really just want to forget about it. Why am I so screwed up? Because you are a a hopeless romantic. I am too. Still, I would probably unmagnify this and just stop thinking about it. I naturally tend towards focusing on the positive when I'm in love.
Author davidromero43 Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 ...some random that did nothing got to be with her. It's insulting to you that even after encountering you, she would / could do such with someone not you. I don't think anger is the core of what you feel. Perhaps sad, disappointed, diminished. Anger is lashing out over those things, something you can't change that you have no control over. No words will help. This is very close to describing how I feel.
petit_souris Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Exactly what she said. But knowing she gave everything I thought was special to another man, because she was angry with me, just kills me. She thinks I'm completely over it and fine. I would never let my insecurities ruin our great relationship. I have not brought it up to her in many many months. I do not plan to either. I just really wish it didn't bother me. Maybe she doesn't think that you are completely fine, but... what could she do? Speak about, yes. But other than that? It happened. Try to take it like this: it could be seen as an indirect measure of how into you she was. Even highly functional adults can manage rejection badly, when it comes from someone meaningful. And... it doesn't sound like she 'gave' him anything special at all.
petit_souris Posted May 21, 2015 Posted May 21, 2015 Just think....if she only slept with this guy because she felt vulnerable, what will happen if she feels vulnerable in your marriage? This kind of "what ifs" are an efficient way to be lonely, unhappy, alienated. I'm in that place, and it's quite dark. What if she hadn't slept with this guy, or any other guy, and had been raised in a convent... would she be a certainty? Nope, because we're talking humans, sexuality, love. 1
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