Aries82 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I need a friend because I am really struggling with NC and I think that I screw up any chance that she contacts me again. Maybe I am stupid but I want to call her, beg her for another chance, I love her and I just want to hug her, I am on the edge and can not take it anymore.Our last contact was on february and I was really harsh to her and told her to leave alone if she does not want be with me. Here it is in short: we were together for 7 years and she left me, humiliated me etc.Every two months she contacts me, she cries and justifying herself and reasons for the break up. Her birthday was on March I did not sent her anything and I died that day, I was crying and struggling with that decision, Easter came I also did not sent anything, I am feeling really bad for that. I do love her, she was my wife (we lived together and we were engaged), I miss her and I still cry almost every day even after 9 months of our separation,I do want her back. My birthday was in April and she did not sent me anything. Can I do something, did I made mistake because I did not say happy birthday to her, did I pushed her away? Last time she contacted me she asked that I send her a nice mails, so I did and she ignored.Please be honest, I am really depressed. Thank you
LooperDooper Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 No, no, no, no and NO. You didn't push her away for not saying happy birthday. Do NOT confuse your situation with guilt tripping yourself for the things you said, the things you didn't say or the things you didn't do. Life is life. You let her walk out if she decided to walk out and you heal. You heal for you to feel well and to start enjoying life just a little bit more each day. I'd suggest ignoring her in the future from her calls, I've never been in a 7 year relationship so I can't comprehend what you feel, but I can extrapolate my pain and multiply it to know it is not something I'd like to feel. But you need to remember any person can come back whenever they choose to. You can't wait for that, nor can you make it happen, but you can realize they have their own choice and if they choose to find you they will. Nothing you say can change it because human beings are stubborn as hell. Continue healing, let her go, realize your life is very meaningful and you can live on without her. Focus on other things and just calmly take day by day as one. And as a suggestion, start working on NOT over-thinking anything you do or say, it doesn't work in your favour. Best of luck and I hope you truly begin healing piece by piece starting today. 4
joseb Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 You are split up. Why on earth would you send her something for her birthday? For easter? Why would you expect her to send you something for you birthday? She left you, so you need to move on with your life. > I was really harsh to her and told her to leave alone if she does not want be with me. How was this harsh? This sounds perfectly reasonable. 3
Author Aries82 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 Thank you, thank you so much. I was just feeling really bad and I am trying to move forward but I do miss her. I found a new job, bought a new car I have a few friends, new life in my country, but without her it seems pointless. When I look other people with their partners, someone to share their day and I am alone after 7 years, it is a struggle every day. I think emotionally I am not moving at all. Thank you for your support, I have a bad day.
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Even though you were together for such a long time & intended to marry, you split for very valid reasons. The time to address whether this could be repaired was before you pulled the trigger & ended it. Especially if the reasons that drove you apart haven't been fixed, there is no hope. You will be sad for a while. This was a significant relationship that you are entitled to grieve for a while. 3
Author Aries82 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 It was not a valid reason, not enough for me. She used this : - remember when you were mad at me few years ago, that is why I am leaving you - I wan to be free - I hate myself, etc. She used some arguments from our past (there was not many, she was saying for 6 years that we are perfect couple). Reasons are not important anymore, but it was clear to me that she was trying to justify ending with anything. Thank you for your reply
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 She wanted to be free is a valid argument. For whatever reason, as unsatisfying as it is to hear, she no longer wanted to be with you. Love isn't logical. 2
Author Aries82 Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 Ok, I guess, but I do not get that, sorry. If she wanted to be free why she still want me as friend, she even showed up on my doorstep 4 months post breakup to justify herself and offered me a friendship, she was crying and she could not speak clearly, she drove 4 hours for that (she lives in a another country). Sorry but I am confused by her actions even today. When she called last time she said: "I know that I am selfish but I can not help myself". Now she is free. Thank you, I need this, truth is awesome to read. 1
coryreply Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I get why you want to reach out to her. NC is not easy. What would your advice be for someone going through the same thing?
SLee Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I'm sorry you're going through all this. NC is very hard but it's necessary for you to be okay. Make a list of the things you don't like about the ex throughout the relationship: Every issue they wouldn't resolve, the way they handled arguments, every fight that got bad, even a bad haircut they got or something. It's hard not to see them as this perfect idealized version of them, but if you can make that list and think on it or look it over when you really miss them, it helps a lot. I have some great friends who told me to text them if I feel like texting my ex, which has helped immensely. Honestly getting your feelings out to people online or people in your life helps a ton. You didn't make a mistake. You're not her SO anymore, you're not her friend. You're her ex. You don't owe her anything anymore and vice versa. NC is meant for you to heal so you can erase her from your life while you heal. That's how you have to treat it. It feels harsh and cruel to do that with someone you were so close with for so long, but that's the bottom line. If you fear you are too depressed to function, seek professional mental health care if you have access to it. Otherwise let your friends and loved ones know how you feel and they can help. The deep bouts of sadness are murder. I still am in the midst of things, so I understand. But it does get better. They'll get less and less over time. You just have to stick to your guns here. 4
sowhynot Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 It helped/helps for me to write stuff down when it's getting a bit painfull - a personal private diary if you like. PC or app on a phone like 'colornote' so you can do it prettty much anywhre, anytime. Put down whatever you feel - it's only for you so you can be totally honest. Venting in this way gets things off your chest and you do feel a bit better afterwards.. And it's good that after a few weeks, you can read the earlier entries and know that - hopefully - you're not feeling quite as bad about it all as you were. 2
Satu Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) You're not in a relationship anymore, and neither of you owe the other anything. But I get the feeling that the two of you are just unhappy people who don't like life very much. Its time to properly rebuild your life into something that makes you happy. You and she are not that something. ***************************************************** *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Edited May 1, 2015 by Satu 1
Author Aries82 Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 I get why you want to reach out to her. NC is not easy. What would your advice be for someone going through the same thing? Thank you for your reply. Well, you can learn on my mistakes, NC and NC, even if you have a really bad day. I have tons of letters and mails for her, but I won't send that to her, it is for me, my venting for me. You can send me a private message if you need to talk to someone, I am not well, but I can help.
Author Aries82 Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 Thank you all for your help, you are my biggest support. You are right Satu I am not happy, since she broke my heart, since she humiliated me on her FB wall, since she called me a fool after my begging and crying, after all these years, for what reasons, there are no valid reasons for that. I did not cheat, I gave up everything for her (my career, almost my family, my friends) and left in a another country to live with her without papers, I washed toilets for few bucks to buy a food (I have 2 collage degrees). I am in my 30, and I will be happy some day. Thank you all
coryreply Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Thank you for your reply. Well, you can learn on my mistakes, NC and NC, even if you have a really bad day. I have tons of letters and mails for her, but I won't send that to her, it is for me, my venting for me. You can send me a private message if you need to talk to someone, I am not well, but I can help. Thank you so much! I love the support on this forum.
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