Gaeta Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I didn't do it repetitively, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling guilt to the point of not functioning. None of you think he was in the wrong at all. When we fought other times he would tell me **** you, slam doors, flip me off etc. I guess all that is my fault too? You did not mention any of this in your original post. Were we suppose to guess it? 4
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 But you physically abused him by hitting him, so this is really a case of the pot calling the kettle black. It is if it's out of context or unfounded. Bitch, tramp etc. is more about verbal abuse. If these "descriptors" fit the situation, then if said in anger and in the heat of a moment is kinda the way arguments go sometimes. If you're acting like a child and he calls you a child . . . it's still not really right, but not actually abusive. It's maybe a gray area at best. Verbal and emotional abuse in concert really constitutes the verbal aspect. In this case, however, you have cancelled out his misstep by doing something worse. Is he in the habit of calling you names in other situations? Have you ever felt threatened by him?
katiegrl Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I didn't do it repetitively, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling guilt to the point of not functioning. None of you think he was in the wrong at all. When we fought other times he would tell me **** you, slam doors, flip me off etc. I guess all that is my fault too? If that's true, then you should have left and never looked back. That's on YOU. 3
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) If that's true, then you should have left and never looked back. That's on YOU. In the end, this particular incident is about physical abuse and likely some other issue in the relationship. It wasn't working apparently. So it's best that's it's over. It's beyond who is at fault. It takes two to make it work. And, you are focusing on his name calling only here. You are not taking responsibility for your part. Again, shifting/not embracing your responsibility in the situation. Edited May 1, 2015 by Redhead14
Author ButterflyHMW Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 I'm taking full responsibility for hitting him, I know it was very wrong. But I don't believe what he was doing to provoke me was right. Hasn't anyone ever been in a situation where they've been pushed to the limit?
fred123 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Id put my mortgage on it that he didnt leave cos she hit him on the shoulder. That was not the reason. 1
Author ButterflyHMW Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 A lot of people told me that there was another reason. It just seems like such a small reason to give up a 1 1/2 relationship. I understand it was completely wrong, but I didn't lay him down on the ground and beat the hell out of him
katiegrl Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I'm taking full responsibility for hitting him, I know it was very wrong. But I don't believe what he was doing to provoke me was right. *Hasn't anyone ever been in a situation where they've been pushed to the limit?* No because I don't hang around long enough to ever *reach my limit." I am long gone WAY before reaching that point. As you should have been too.
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I'm taking full responsibility for hitting him, I know it was very wrong. But I don't believe what he was doing to provoke me was right. Hasn't anyone ever been in a situation where they've been pushed to the limit? When I feel I'm being pushed to my limit, I will tell my partner that and let him know that I want to work the situation out but at a time when we are both calm and can give the issue and each other the respect it/we deserve. I will ask for a time out. I will not lash out at them in return. In addition, since my partner is always loving, attentive, shows me that he cares enough through out the relationship, I will not be picking a fight with him for not stopping off to see me. If I think that he doesn't care anymore or is giving me other significant reasons to feel that way, I will sit down with him and ask him if there is anything we need to address in the relationship for him to discover why that is happening. That is the mature way to handle relationships. He was wrong, you were wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right. You got on his case over nothing and it appears to happen a lot, he was pushed to his limit. He should have taken a step back himself. This turned into an ugly mess for no other reason than some kind of insecurity or unaddressed problem in the relationship PERIOD. If you are trying to determine is he was an abusive partner, you have to look at the entire relationship. People argue, it gets heated and deteriorates the communication level. It happens usually once in a while in every relationship. Being angry and slamming doors, etc. is immature at best. Not necessarily abusive. In order to really determine whether a partner is abusive, you need to think about whether you are generally afraid of them. Abusiveness causes fear in a partner. When he calls you names or slams doors, do you feel threatened by him also? Do you worry he will hurt you physically? If not, it's just the anger talking.
sandylee1 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I didn't do it repetitively, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling guilt to the point of not functioning. None of you think he was in the wrong at all. When we fought other times he would tell me **** you, slam doors, flip me off etc. I guess all that is my fault too? The relationship doesn't sound like it was healthy and unless something else was going on, I wouldn't give my bf hassle for not stopping by work to see me like you did. I don't think calling your partner a liar or that they are being childish in an argument is abusive. People say a lot of things during arguments, but I honestly don't see those words as abuse. Your problem here is that your mouth wasn't as quick as your BFs, so you retaliated physically. If he hit you back, you wouldn't be too happy and I'm sure he is stronger than you. I'm not sure if you guys argued a lot like this, but when it moved to being physical, it drove him away. When I was dating before marriage, I would do what your BF did. I will not tolerate being hit in a relationship and I'd say the same to my children. Sorry, this won't be what you want to hear, but it's a dealbreaker for many. 1
SingleDude Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I'm taking full responsibility for hitting him, I know it was very wrong. But I don't believe what he was doing to provoke me was right. Hasn't anyone ever been in a situation where they've been pushed to the limit? Please, girls like you are the ones doing the pushing and when a guy gives it back you play the "poor me I've been verbally abused" game. Been there, done that. Moving on. 3
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I understand that, but isn't name calling verbal abuse? We've explained the difference to you. Name calling is not necessarily abuse unless it is accompanied by threatening behavior. If he is calling you names while raising his hand to you in a threatening manner or you are in general afraid of this person, then it become verbal abuse. If we threw everyone who called another person a name out of anger, we'd all be in jail. Again, you are looking to put the entire blame for the situation on this man. He's out of your life now. It doesn't matter anymore. If you feel it was abusive, then it was. He's to blame. So be it. In addition, you are looking to find one person who will agree with you here to justify your actions. There are 10 responses here that don't agree with you. This is the equivalent to going to a bunch of doctors until you find the one who gives you the diagnosis you want, not the right one. 1
Author ButterflyHMW Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 I repeatedly asked him to stop with the insults as I was just crying and crying, he wouldn't stop. It's like the more I asked to stop the more he just dug and dug.
katiegrl Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I repeatedly asked him to stop with the insults as I was just crying and crying, he wouldn't stop. It's like the more I asked to stop the more he just dug and dug. Then YOU leave! I mean seriously, why didn't you? 3
Author ButterflyHMW Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 I'm not looking to put the entire blame on him. I've actually put the blame on me if you've read my multiple posts. All I wanted was for someone to agree with me a little bit.
Author ButterflyHMW Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 I didn't leave because I was trying to talk to him and resolve the fight
katiegrl Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Then YOU leave! I mean seriously, why didn't you? Butter, you are failing to understand something very fundamentally important. If YOU choose to stay with a man who is insulting you, demeaning, degrading and disrespecting you, THAT is on YOU ... and no one else. Let him go insult and demean another woman... you're out ta there!
katiegrl Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I didn't leave because I was trying to talk to him and resolve the fight So how was that workin for ya....not very well apparently. As it sounds like it only made him more furious. You don't try to rationalize with someone who is that angry. You just don't, it doesn't work. You leave ... and IF you want to resolve it later, when the air has cleared, you do so then, not while in the heat of battle... doing that won't resolve anything and will only make it worse.
Author ButterflyHMW Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 I stayed because I knew that I was the one getting upset so easily - so I felt like I deserved whatever he was giving me. The same as the night I lashed out on him. If that makes sense.
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I repeatedly asked him to stop with the insults as I was just crying and crying, he wouldn't stop. It's like the more I asked to stop the more he just dug and dug. You were crying and crying . . . During an argument a strong woman will control that and use her assertiveness to get what she wants. She may cry for a minute, but will compose herself. Crying if used often will become less and less tolerable to a man. He doesn't want to argue with a child. There probably was a time when he would submit when you cried, yes? It is a form of emotional blackmail to a man. And, often the issue doesn't get resolved because he'll shut down in response to her shutting down by crying. If it happens all the time during an argument, at some point, the man will lose empathy for her. I'm not saying it's right or wrong . . . you both were pushed to your limits but if you were both mature enough, you would have handled the situation like adults who love and respect each other. Bottomline, there was a problem with the relationship. And, if you feel you were being abused, don't stand there crying, remove yourself from the situation. You cannot control him, but you can take control of yourself.
katiegrl Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I stayed because I knew that I was the one getting upset so easily - so I felt like I deserved whatever he was giving me. The same as the night I lashed out on him. If that makes sense. Okay well I am sorry you felt you *deserved* that...please seek therapy as that is a very unhealthy way to feel, and an invitation for men to abuse you .... if their nature is to do so. 1
Author ButterflyHMW Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 He wanted to wait until things had cooled, and I couldn't. That's my fault, my insecurity. So I think it pushed him more and it pushed me more too. I just don't know how to move forward knowing he can't forgive me
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 He wanted to wait until things had cooled, and I couldn't. That's my fault, my insecurity. So I think it pushed him more and it pushed me more too. I just don't know how to move forward knowing he can't forgive me Ah, you've come around Now you will be able to move forward. You were feeling guilty about all this because you knew it was all about your own insecurities and that he actually tried to deal with it more effectively. You can't control him forgiving you. You can forgive yourself and then learn from this experience to become a stronger woman and a better partner for someone in the future. You've made a mistake. The way to recover from a mistake is to learn from it and do everything you can to prevent it from happening again. Look at the reasons for your insecurities as well. Do some self-analysis. Embrace all the things you like about yourself and work on the things you don't like about yourself, one at a time. You'll come though all this a wiser, more mature and strong woman 5
Ruby Slippers Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 He "hit" you with words, and you hit him back with your hand. You were both behaving irrationally because you're not a good fit and/or are too immature to handle disagreements in a more mature way. It reminds me of my first real relationship as a teenager, where our arguments would get heated and then we would get slightly physical with each other in stupid ways. It was very childish. This relationship is over. Move on.
Recommended Posts