Melon11 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I've been in 3 relationships, and they all seem to start and end the same way - so undoubtedly I am the problem. In the beginning of the relationships, I tend to be very easy-going, and assume the best of the other, and try not to come off as over-bearing by not questioning their relationships with other women. Trusting them, until they give me a reason not to anymore. Relationship #1 - he cheats on me, I beg him to get back with me despite him telling me this, I try to make things work, but hold resentment, constantly get moody, he tells me I'm crazy, puts me down, yells, and after 3 years of suffering I realize he was abusive and leave. Relationship #2 [this one was different] - Good guy, treats me well for 1-2 years, I start becoming insecure about his best female friend, feel like he does nothing about how I feel, resent him for that, and leave. Relationship #3 - I realize I was being unreasonable for accepting guy #2 to leave his best friend for me, so I go SUPER easy on this guy 3, and don't express discomfort over guy 3's overly-friendly relationship with his ex. Guy #3 takes advantage of me being so laid back, hangs out with her alone all the time. I accept this. After doubting my feelings for a long time and reasonable evidence, I finally tell him, I don't feel good about him and his ex. He cuts her off, but I don't get over it for a while. He "helps" me get over my "paranoia" by being super affectionate and loving, but eventually gives up and tells me I'm too dense to comprehend male-female relationships, tells me I'm a horrible person who can't handle relationships. Guy #3 broke up with me yesterday, threw all the gifts I gave him back at me, I had just started begging him and apologizing but he left (thinking I must have done something wrong again). But seriously, I mean throwing gifts I put effort into back at my face...? Isn't that disrespectful (I don't even have the mental capacity to know for myself if that's disrespectful or not anymore) What do I do wrong in these relationships to always end up this way? I know with relationship #2 I let my paranoia and insecurities get the best of me... but with guy #3, I made SURE I suppressed my feelings (which seem to always be invalid) until I was 100% sure that what I was feeling was wrong. But then I develop resentment, and then these men get frustrated and angry with me, and start putting me down for being unable to get over petty things. Can someone help me out?
StalwartMind Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 As always, it can be difficult for someone else to assess any relationship(s), when you haven't experienced it such as the people involved. I do believe that you perhaps go a bit from one extreme to another. It can be truly difficult to find someone that is ideal for you and there is every chance that neither three were for you, regardless if they otherwise fit the bill. When it comes to being a great natural match then it helps greatly if you are able to read your partner most of the time. No one can do this perfect but I'm sure you know and feel when someone gets you better than others. Combine this with each person having a different view of how they perceive something to be considerate, caring, loving the suddenly there are all kinds of factors that make up whom we are. We can't change the past but we can learn from it and help shape our future. I don't feel it's healthy for anyone to dwell on past mistakes or success for too long as the future is always unknown. However with that said I do believe it's wise for you to not compromise your feelings and rather be direct and blunt with any future partner. Not everyone has the same patience of mental strength to deal with or actually help someone improve, but again don't underestimate that someone out there actually will possess all such qualities. People disappoint others every single second but that doesn't mean something good can't come from it. In your situation it seems that could do well with finding someone, even a friend to help strengthen yourself so your paranoia and insecurities never take complete hold of you. I don't think it's healthy for you to ignore this, nor to keep it from your partner, granted that yes I guess many will see it as something negative but again someone worth living for and with will want to help you overcome this or at the very least see it not consume you as much as it current is. I guess that all these things may be quite can obstacle to overcome especially considering how easily many people in general become frustrated or upset with situations they are not comfortable dealing with. This is again why I do believe it would be to your advantage to find someone you can feel comfortable with and who will listen to you. Professional help is always an option but that depends on you. Either way regardless of how much at fault one part or the other "may be", if you have and show the desire to want to improve then you can do just that. Know that it's okay to screw up but also don't ever be too harsh on yourself which many tend to be.
LooperDooper Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Just wondering, how much time went by between these relationships. I think that may be one slight problem. I feel many people out there are afraid of being alone, they fear loneliness and will take whatever comes their way without being completely convinced about it. So they start a new relationship, they aren't feeling it completely but they also don't hate it, so they continue it and start convincing themselves day by day that it actually is a good match. Some time goes on, and maybe too long, until one day something difficult comes along and that's when the original thoughts and feelings come back and you just don't react the same. I can't tell you much, but from what I read I think you need to look at three things: 1. How much did you really care for the other person in each of the three relationships? Because I feel like you were there but you don't express much so not sure. 2. How afraid are you to be alone, for a good amount of time, without a guy to be there by your side? I don't mean alone alone, just not with somebody, just your family and your friends. 3. How much do you love yourself? Again, I mean this in how you project yourself. Are you secure? Are you confident? Etc. Because I find when a girl isn't secure enough with herself, guys (and yes those jerks) will walk over you and take advantage of that sweetness. Just my thoughts, I can't tell you much because what you are asking is far more complex than your description.
Ruby65 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 The first guy cheated on you. The second guy was probably having an emotional affair with his "best friend." The third guy was probably having romantic feelings for his ex still and jumped on your reaction to it as an excuse to end things. There's a breakup style and it goes like this: "I'll act out to such a degree that you're forced to react... and then I'll use that reaction as an excuse to break up with you without looking like the bad guy." Usually people who are doing underhanded things -- like having inappropriate feelings/interactions with exes and "just friends" -- or who are using you as a rebound -- or who are just not that into you -- will use this to end a relationship. It's very passive/aggressive and not at all uncommon. Please try not to blame yourself and don't give up hope! We've all been there. This kind of thing is the price of admission.... the price we all pay for being in the game and looking for love. 1
Clarkwg Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 My second to last ex used to like hanging out with her ex & spending time with him to the point where it bothered me that much that I ended the relationship. Then within 6 months she was married to him. My last ex also used to like hanging out with her ex, within a month of our near decade long relationship ending she was in bed with him & is still in a relationship with him today. It's not for me to decide if it's good or not for people to chill with their ex on a regular basis whilst in a new relationship with someone else but what I do know is that due to the nature of the above, never will I get into a relationship again with a girl who is "good mates" with her ex.
fardaxel Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 Almost no one gets it right the first, second, 10th, or even 20th time. Each one is a learning curve. You'll learn more about yourself, what you want, what you don't want, which will help you have a criteria for picking guys. Once you have that, then you'll be less upset when things don't work out, because you'll be the one doing more of the ending of unsuitable relationships. It's all about practice.
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