runaway Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I have been seeing this one girl for a little over 3 months. She and I have never had a conversation about being exclusive and such, but I actually have spent time with her exclusively for the last three months. I have never said for once, "I love you" because I honestly don't. She is a great girl, but I have never felt enough spark to be crazy about her. What I have with her has been more of a FWB situation than a relationship in my book. I am not quite sure what she thinks, though, and that is the problem. It's been a great ride until now, but I am not into it anymore. In about a month, she and I will be thousands of miles apart because we are moving to different cities (opposite coasts actually) for further education. Quite frankly, I want to end our FWB situation now. I have been feeling so bad about it in the last few days. I am the guy who took her v card. I am not 100% sure, but I think she is the one who will end up getting hurt more. I am developing feelings for a different girl at the moment, and I want to have more time for myself. I wish to remain her friend because I genuinely believe she is a great person. I wish nothing but the best for her because she deserves that. I hope she and I end up being cool enough with each other so that I can occasionally check on how she's doing. I want to be as respectful as possible, but I don't know the best way to go about it. Help me please!
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Tell her face to face you want to split and do NOT try and be her friend, because if she cares about you, she cannot be your friend as it will hurt her too much. Stay clear. Don't delay, you need to be away from her completely, before you start pursuing the other girl, else it will all get very messy. 1
losangelena Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I would keep it brief, OP. I don't know exactly what you should say to her, but I would not say those things about never being crazy about her, or that you saw her as only FWB, or that you want to stay friends—as the dumpee, she's should be allowed to choose if that happens or not. Otherwise, it sounds like you're just trying to make yourself feel better about dumping her.
Toodaloo Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 You just say that while you have really enjoyed your time together you think that now is the time for it to end. You tell her you don't want to be in a LDR, that while you admire her you do not see a long term future together and that you would rather break up now before it gets too serious and before she goes away so she can enjoy it when she gets there. Just be honest with her. I know it sucks and its awkward but just be truthful. Do it to her face NOT via text or phone call. Sometimes you just have to do these things even if you don't want to. 1
Author runaway Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 You just say that while you have really enjoyed your time together you think that now is the time for it to end. You tell her you don't want to be in a LDR, that while you admire her you do not see a long term future together and that you would rather break up now before it gets too serious and before she goes away so she can enjoy it when she gets there. Just be honest with her. I know it sucks and its awkward but just be truthful. Do it to her face NOT via text or phone call. Sometimes you just have to do these things even if you don't want to. Thank you all. I think I have a better idea now as to what to do. I'm feeling so bad because I wish I never had to hurt her like this.
Ruby65 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 If you care about her, tell her the truth. Tell her you're not into her anymore, that you never really were that into her, and that you want to be free to pursue this other girl. Then expect the wrath and hatred you deserve. And PLEASE don't expect her to be your friend! If she doesn't hate you forever, it's only because she's hoping that staying in contact as "friends" will make you change your mind and want her back someday. Sorry, this one's on you. Suck it up, don't try to sugar coat, and walk away for good -- so she kind find some awesome guy who deserves her!
PegNosePete Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Just tell her what you've written in your OP. But miss out the part about staying friends (it's the last thing someone who just got dumped wants to hear). And the part about the other girl.
DJOkawari Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Agree with Ruby. It takes 2 to be friends and she may not want it. The answer to your problem is that you should tell her exactly what you told us except without the assumptions. You had a great time, you want more time to yourself, you hope you two can be friends because whatever brought you into this situation is gone. This isn't about the distance or the other girl, don't bring those things up it'll give her the wrong idea.
amaysngrace Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Aren't you going to be a thousand miles away from the new girl you sleep with in a month from now too? Do you believe in karma?
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I wouldn't tell a girl who lost her virginity to you, that she was just a FWB, nor that you never felt any spark. She will think you a total douchebag, who just used her. As Toodaloo says emphasise the fact a LDR is not for you. 2
Ruby65 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I disagree -- if he doesn't tell her he's not into her and that he's into someone else now.... this girl is going to cling to hope for the future. It's very doubtful she lost her virginity to someone she doesn't care about and only thinks of as a FWB.
Author runaway Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 Aren't you going to be a thousand miles away from the new girl you sleep with in a month from now too? Do you believe in karma? Yes... I am going to be upfront with her as well. Thank you all. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I have been seeing this one girl for a little over 3 months. She and I have never had a conversation about being exclusive and such, but I actually have spent time with her exclusively for the last three months. I have never said for once, "I love you" because I honestly don't. She is a great girl, but I have never felt enough spark to be crazy about her. What I have with her has been more of a FWB situation than a relationship in my book. I am not quite sure what she thinks, though, and that is the problem. It's been a great ride until now, but I am not into it anymore. In about a month, she and I will be thousands of miles apart because we are moving to different cities (opposite coasts actually) for further education. Quite frankly, I want to end our FWB situation now. I have been feeling so bad about it in the last few days. I am the guy who took her v card. I am not 100% sure, but I think she is the one who will end up getting hurt more. I am developing feelings for a different girl at the moment, and I want to have more time for myself. I wish to remain her friend because I genuinely believe she is a great person. I wish nothing but the best for her because she deserves that. I hope she and I end up being cool enough with each other so that I can occasionally check on how she's doing. I want to be as respectful as possible, but I don't know the best way to go about it. Help me please! Don't try to manage her emotions. They are hers to deal with. You simply be honest and say "I've enjoyed the time we've spent together, but I want to move on. We'll be leaving soon for _____ anyway. I wish you all the best." Be simple and to the point. Don't try to sugar coat it or ramble on and on. Rip the band aid. Nothing else you say is going to help her feel better or get over it more quickly. If anything, it'll cause her more confusion. If she starts crying or yelling, whatever, you simply walk her to her car and say goodbye. Hopefully, she will keep it together if she is a strong, confident woman and accept the news gracefully.
DJOkawari Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) I can see what you're saying. My feeling is that they never were exclusive to begin with so its already an assumption about how she feels regarding other girls. But on top of that, the other girl wouldn't be an issue if he was interested in this first girl. Same with the distance. I think it gives the wrong impression because she may think he left her for a particular reason...like feelings for her existed but were lost.. and she may attempt to dwell on/address that reason. According to the OP the feeling was never there. I think he should represent that clearly. I don't know this girl obviously but maybe that would help her move on? Edited May 1, 2015 by DJOkawari
LooperDooper Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) Knowing what a lot of us felt when we were dumped for the wrong reasons, and knowing what it feels like to be dumped with lies, is very hurtful. I realize you were never 'together' but I think the girl saw you much more different than you saw her. Now you claim to care completely about her, then suck it up and tell her exactly what you said. It will hurt like hell to her, but it would hurt more for her to find out you are with somebody else and start day-dreaming about how she was lied to, etc etc. Be honest. It's called respect and she deserves every ounce of it. Edited May 1, 2015 by LooperDooper 2
No_Go Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Don't be that doubtful - I can say I did exactly that (lost my virginity to a guy that I was seeing as a FWB, and really loved as a friend, but that's it). We need her viewpoint here to know how she feels. But if he tells her that he doesn't want LDR, she MAY consider ridiculous steps like moving closer to him... I know more than one person that have done that:( So in my opinion if he wants to be indirect he can go with "not ready for anything serious", or even better, tell her that he doesn't see anything serious to happen between them. I disagree -- if he doesn't tell her he's not into her and that he's into someone else now.... this girl is going to cling to hope for the future. It's very doubtful she lost her virginity to someone she doesn't care about and only thinks of as a FWB.
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