Thinking of Seeing a Psychologist; Looking For Certain Type of Therapy

[Window]

Does anyone here have experience talking to psychologists to help get a better understanding and perspective on what might be (or was) an emotionally abusive relationship with a controlling man?

 

I’m strongly desiring to talk to someone about specific events (of which there have been many) that have occurred in my relationship. Many of which have left me feeling so incredibly confused that I can’t make sense of anything anymore. My self-esteem has plummeted, I often can’t make decisions, I feel weak (not physically, but spiritually), I often talk in a small voice that I don’t recognize, and I’m no longer the person I used to be (which was someone opposite of how I am now).

 

For whatever it’s worth, if anyone here is familiar with Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I am an INTJ. I have a deep desire to understand things (people, events, why things are the way they are, etc.), and I’m usually very, very rational. I do not want a psychologist who only wants me to talk about feelings, although I do understand and respect the value, importance, and meaning of feelings. But at this time I want a rational opinion/assessment of specific occurrences (that I would try to describe as objectively as possible) that happened in my relationship and that left me feeling like nothing made sense anymore, and like I don’t know what to believe anymore.

 

So, back to my original question, is this kind of support - rational analysis of specific events to help me figure out whether or not I really was experiencing emotional abuse at the hands of an extremely self-centered and controlling man, or whether there’s just something wrong with me and I’m the one who has issues - of a type that psychologists are able to provide? I’m exhausted from constantly feeling confused and uncertain, and thought an outside perspective could help.

[badpenny]

I think your first approach should be through your Doctor. They probably have a lot more cases requiring psychological support than you'd ever think possible.

My own Doctor tells me that he estimates over 60% of his patients are either receiving, or should be receiving some kind of therapy along those lines.

 

Ask your doctor for a precise referral

.. That at least should get the ball rolling....

[salparadise]

Window, I am INTJ also, and I've been in therapy as well as having sought understanding by consuming academic knowledge. I get it when you say that you want more than the feel-good kind of talk therapy.

 

For starters, make sure your therapist is a licensed clinical psychologist with excellent references. The first few sessions will be about sharing information and building the therapeutic alliance. Let him/her know that you're INTJ and need the theoretical understanding in order to bring your thought and feelings into alignment. A qualified clinician will have experience dealing with rational personality types and will know how to work with you.

 

My guess is that you need to classify the relational dynamics to satisfy your rational mind, then quickly start working on getting in touch with your feelings and bringing them into alignment with your cognitions. When we have conflicting realizations or thoughts and feelings do not align it creates a condition know as cognitive dissonance. An abusive relationship can do this for a rational type because it doesn't make sense that someone you love, and who professes to love you, could treat you badly and make you feel so... however you're feeling.

 

So if I'm guessing correctly, then after you understand what it is, you can be treated the same as most people who have suffered abusive relationships. Most victims of abuse are codependent, so you might want to explore that possibility with the therapist as well.

 

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

 

PS: google Bowen family systems theory

Edited May 1, 2015 by salparadise

[Michelle ma Belle]

OP, I'm sorry to hear of your experience but so very proud of you for having found the courage to seek help! you're already leaps and bounds ahead of the curve.

 

I worked for an organization that provided emergency shelter and services to abused women and children so I know first hand what steps can be taken.

 

The best place to start is to seek out what organizations are in your area that deal with violence/abuse. These places rarely will have street signs or any obvious markers that can be easily identified primarily for their client's safety BUT they will advertise in any local directory as well as online.

 

Call them and tell them your concerns and your story. Most organizations that deal with domestic abuse issues have a staff of professionals including therapists, counselors, life coaches and lawyers. They also network with other like-minded organizations and very often provide their services at no charge provided you're recommended by the intake personnel.

 

These professionals are specifically trained to deal with domestic issues of all kinds and would be your very best bet in terms of really understanding the mentality of both the abuser and the abused. That's not to say a "regular" therapist/psychologist/social worker etc. can't but dealing with people that work directly with abused women on a daily basis makes them a better fit overall.

 

Once you're "in", there are lots of avenues for you to choose from. You are only limited by your desire to break the cycle and ultimately break free.

 

Let me know how your search goes. If you run into problems, I might be able to make some calls and see if I can't point you in a direction.

 

Good luck to you my friend

[salparadise]

That's not to say a "regular" therapist/psychologist/social worker etc. can't but dealing with people that work directly with abused women on a daily basis makes them a better fit overall.

 

The problem with women's shelter organizations can be that they do have a narrow focus. They are so enthusiastic about saving women from abusive men that they can see such dynamics everywhere, and if a caller suggest it then they're all over it. Not saying they don't do good things (sometimes it's exactly what's needed), it's who they are and what they do. If OPs desire is to be reassured that she was/is in an abusive relationship and that should should plan an escape and seek protection, call them up and they will do that––they are very good at it.

 

OPs stated desire is to gain "understanding and perspective on what might be (or was) an emotionally abusive relationship with a controlling man." So it sounds like she has already ended the relationship and seeks deeper understanding. I'm just not sure that a "specialist" is more appropriate than a highly qualified clinician. I don't think there are many who are strangers to abusive relationships. Therapy and counseling are not exactly the same things.

[eye of the storm]

I hope you find a good therapist. And you do your homework. It wont help if you only do what they suggest during the office visits.

 

Your first therapist may not be the best one for you. Find a good one and don't be afraid to try different ones.

 

I went to therapy with one goal and one goal only. My therapist had a different goal. Turns out, she had the better goal.

 

For me, I wanted to change myself to be a better wife, I wanted to fix myself so my H would stay with me. My therapist wanted me to understand I had allowed myself to be totally taken over by someone toxic to me. I had lost who I was. So she did not allow me to rehash all the things that had happened. She focused on why I had allowed this to happen to me. Why I did not stand up for myself.

 

My therapy helped because it made me realize it wasn't him, it was me. I allowed myself to be "trained" to accept that behavior. I learned techniques to prevent that from happening in the future. I learned boundaries. I learned I cannot control anyone else's behavior only my own.

 

Yes I have made mistakes. But the people around me support me and make me happy.

 

I hope therapy works for you.

[preraph]

You may also contact your local women's shelter for domestic violence and ask if they have any referrals. Your local police station may have a victim's advocate on staff who you could leave a message for and might also have some referrals. Here is one list of resources on the Nat'l Coalition Against Domestic Violence website. This might be a good place to start and they have hotlines and stuff too. But if they have nothing for your area, then as other posters said, look for a licensed clinical psychologist. Many therapists, however, will only ask questions and listen and it can take years to get anywhere. So I advise you start by seeking support directly from domestic violence victim organizations such as this one. You should use this to look for one in your area. Good luck.

 

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