SawtoothMars Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 Hey everyone, Thank you so much for giving me your input. Given our current schedules, we are heading off to our individual internships, I will be interning for an investment institute while he will be heading off to the NY Times. The next time that I will see him face-to-face will be on Friday. I feel like we may not be in the same place in life but at the same time I feel like I should give us a little time to see if we're truly compatible or not. If I give him a time limit of 3 months, will be it enough for me to decide whether I want to pursue things further? I don't know Paper. This guy has some really big signs of immaturity. At 35 I would NEVER be late for a date with my wife. I just won't let that kind of thing happen because I care. At 23... I was late to everything. I rarely bothered to manage my time. It drove my xWife nuts. Maybe I changed partly due to her influence. In some ways I feel for my xWife. She put huge amounts of time and effort into pushing me to be a mature adult... and after years of work we divorce. I have a wife today that probably benefits from all the teaching and work my xWife did. My xWife exclusively dates men 15+ plus her senior. I don't think she wants to deal with immaturity again. I'm being brutally honest here. I can't really tell you which path to take on this, nor can I tell you how quickly this guy is going to grow up. All I can do is share my personal experience on this topic and let you decide how to use that. So I hope this helps you in some way.
wb1988 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 (edited) With all due respect... I had an Olympic athlete (11 years younger) and a NASA astronaut candidate (15 years younger) pursue me HARD for a relationship. I had a very nice relationship with a man 9 years younger than me for over a year and we are still great friends to this day. Even a billionaire can have very low self-esteem and terrible confidence with women. I live in London which is the capital of men that are rich, work-confident and attractive but are complete doormats with women. Easiest way I can tell is when you stare at a flaw about them (e.g. hairline, stomach, chest, hands) and suddenly they shuffle and get insecure like they're a girl. Or when a girl rejects them and you see them cry outside the bar. This is the type of guy that is interested in women 5+ years older. Like I said, no self respecting guy would date a women where she was the one following the half + [single digit number] rule. Guys that date older women have mom issues, are mommas boys, insecure (they think that they an older woman wouldn't cheat on them) and probably don't have any game so couldn't get younger women anyway. Edited May 2, 2015 by wb1988
Mrlonelyone Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 I personally am somewhat divided about my feelings for him. Yes, there is significant attraction because I find him incredibly sweet albeit naive (?). Our age difference is still evident Age does not imply maturity nor does maturity require age. It does however the experience of making fully independent choices and then having to see and live with the consequences of those choices. Your current prospect sounds like he hasn't experienced the consequences of being late. "If you can't be on time +/- 15 minutes....how can I trust you with anything more important than this?". "If you can't communicate that you will not be on time how can I trust you about even more important hard to adjust for circumstances than this ?" Those are questions you should ask about him. ( I even told him I felt like I was robbing the cradle). The ex issue where he is personally meeting her is something that I find incredibly annoying but it is not something I have control over. The age difference isn't that much. +/- 2-3 years isn't significant at all. The following is a bit detail. I forgot to mention that he and I knew each other since January, and we are friends and classmates at our IT program. I enjoy his friendship and his input into a lot of things. As someone has mentioned, I am getting to know a lot about his hobbies, preferences, etc. Given our current schedules, we are heading off to our individual internships, I will be interning for an investment institute while he will be heading off to the NY Times. The next time that I will see him face-to-face will be on Friday. I feel like we may not be in the same place in life but at the same time I feel like I should give us a little time to see if we're truly compatible or not. If I give him a time limit of 3 months, will be it enough for me to decide whether I want to pursue things further? As I have written to many peoples exasperation I have been in just this type of situation twice. For me the relationships never survived us going on to the next stages in our programs or careers without in one case a break for 17 months then back for a year, and again an apparent break up. So take this worth a grain of salt. One nice thing about the situation you are in is you get to see how your partner behaves with people who they are not trying to have a sexual relationship with. You get to see them for a long time dealing with situations that involve some stress. You get to see their real day to day behavior with a variety of people. Question: Are they generally immature in other interactions or just when it comes to relationships? Relationship boyfriend is not the same as day to day boyfriend. At most relationship boyfriend exist for a year or two, at most. Day to day boyfriend is who you need to love because that is what you will be with possibly for life if all goes well. That is why others have said you have to get past the notion that relationships are based on sexual attraction. That is part of it, but a really small part of it. Sex is at most a couple hours out of a day (and then even the frequency of that becomes less). One other good thing about your situation. You have a golden chance to be in a relationship with someone who knows and likes the dense technical thing you are into. People who are not in such a field will never know how valuable that is. Take it from someone who has had relationships where that was part of it, and some where it wasn't. While so far all of those have ended the ones where we had our subject in common were MUCH more satisfying. If you can get over this "age difference" you could be in store for a relationship like Pierr and Marie Curie.
wb1988 Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 I see a lot of women your age overestimating their own 'maturity', with some older men kind of pandering to that so that they can get some young booty. If you want to play into that, ok, but I think you are better off in the long run with people who are at a similar life stage as you. There are plenty of men your age who are serious and commitment minded. You just need to expand your social circle or choose new ones if you want to find them. I agree with you 100% on this though. 1
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 3, 2015 Author Posted May 3, 2015 Age does not imply maturity nor does maturity require age. It does however the experience of making fully independent choices and then having to see and live with the consequences of those choices. Your current prospect sounds like he hasn't experienced the consequences of being late. "If you can't be on time +/- 15 minutes....how can I trust you with anything more important than this?". "If you can't communicate that you will not be on time how can I trust you about even more important hard to adjust for circumstances than this ?" Those are questions you should ask about him. I know he was apologetic since he said he had to see his grandma and then do some errands before finally taking his nap. I even joked he shouldn't be late like this again if he was to go on his internship. I think he got the point. But still, for a first date, I cannot believe he made me wait for 30 minutes. As I have written to many peoples exasperation I have been in just this type of situation twice. For me the relationships never survived us going on to the next stages in our programs or careers without in one case a break for 17 months then back for a year, and again an apparent break up. So take this worth a grain of salt. As far as our programs go, we will be still seeing each other every friday, when we head back to class for assessment reviews. I know he will be more occupied than me since he will be working two jobs, but I am also in the process of finishing my Spring semester, so I am swamped with homework and finals. The next two months will be test on whether our "relationship" can lead to more or fade out. One nice thing about the situation you are in is you get to see how your partner behaves with people who they are not trying to have a sexual relationship with. You get to see them for a long time dealing with situations that involve some stress. You get to see their real day to day behavior with a variety of people. Technically I have not seen him interact with alot of females since our class has a higher percentage of males in the class. There was only 3-4 females in our class and I was the only one who was single or attractive. He has an extremely likeable and outgoing personality. Question: Are they generally immature in other interactions or just when it comes to relationships? Relationship boyfriend is not the same as day to day boyfriend. At most relationship boyfriend exist for a year or two, at most. Day to day boyfriend is who you need to love because that is what you will be with possibly for life if all goes well. That is why others have said you have to get past the notion that relationships are based on sexual attraction. That is part of it, but a really small part of it. Sex is at most a couple hours out of a day (and then even the frequency of that becomes less). I did mention he is Hispanic, so being in relationships hasn't been an issue with him. He seems like a very sexual guy, and while I am not elusive towards sex, I am cautious about having sex so soon before I know a guy. I told him I don't like casual relationships and I prefer to take things slow. The fact is that he was in a long-term relationship before me(5 years to be exact) and the ex is still in his life. I have cut out my ex, albeit slowly, and there are no chances of me even meeting my ex. He is actually going to meet his ex soon, so I'm a little apprehensive. I have this fear that he will date me and then leave me for her because my ex left me for another girl. One other good thing about your situation. You have a golden chance to be in a relationship with someone who knows and likes the dense technical thing you are into. People who are not in such a field will never know how valuable that is. Take it from someone who has had relationships where that was part of it, and some where it wasn't. While so far all of those have ended the ones where we had our subject in common were MUCH more satisfying. If you can get over this "age difference" you could be in store for a relationship like Pierr and Marie Curie. Even though we are both in the same field, there is still the issue of us being at different steps in life. I feel like he is still learning and finding his footing in what he wants as a career, while I am self-aware of what I want and plan on finishing college and doing my internship. There is still so much to learn about him and the more time I spend with him, the more I am understanding his person, including his history. Compared to how he was before, he has really matured and walked away from a bad past. I do see him becoming great, but the question is, should I be the one to stick around to help him mature? I always seem to be the girl who helps the guy mature only to have them dump or leave me.
spiderowl Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I don't think that age is just a number. I also don't believe a younger guy who tells me he is mature for his age (hence why he is trying to date an older woman). Quite frankly, guys come out with a lot of rubbish on this because they see an older woman they fancy and are trying to sell themselves. Maturity is a strange thing: someone can be young and enjoy fun sports or whatever, but still be mature when it comes to relationships and responsibility. It is really something only you can judge about this guy - is he mature in areas where it matters to you? The age gap you are talking about is not huge but four or five-year age gaps tend to matter more when younger. I think you can only find out by carrying on seeing him for a while and talking about the issues that matter to you. You've said marriage and kids - you could ask him when he foresees himself being ready for that. It is one of those things where you can both see it as part of your future but you, or he, might be thinking 10 years later than the other. Nice guys are hard to find. If he's good to you and makes you happy, then see how much of a match you are rather than ending it because he's younger. 2
Frank2thepoint Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Then we took an Uber back to my apartment. We hung out for a bit in the lobby of my apartment, and I let him give me a peck on my lips. I didn't go for a full-blown first kiss because I was still very hesitant. I told him when I said I wouldn't mind dating him that I would like to take things slow, and as such, I was adamant that kissing doesn't happen until I am sure about my feelings for him. He left after that, and I went upstairs to sleep. Taking a ride back to your apartment was a sign you guys will get physical, but then you tell him you want to take things slow. You gave him mixed signals and you shut him down. I personally am somewhat divided about my feelings for him. Yes, there is significant attraction because I find him incredibly sweet albeit naive (?). Our age difference is still evident( I even told him I felt like I was robbing the cradle). On top of that, you are demeaning him. You have very little respect for him already just because of his age. Just a 3 year difference mind you. Since you already have this perception, anything else about him you already see negative and dismiss him just because he is younger than you. The only bad thing I see about this guy is he is probably still hung up on his ex. He's not taking you serious enough because he may just be still getting over his 5 year relationship ending. That in itself should tell you to leave him be for romantic pursuit. Even if you give him 3 months, he may not have moved on by then. In addition, since you already knock him down for his age, I doubt in 3 months it will improve for you.
PogoStick Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 From her early descriptions of this guy my reaction was: She is going to destroy this young man. Please dump him now! Her attraction to him isn't very strong and she's focusing too much on his flaws. She doesn't respect him. She does need an older guy with his life in place who won't put up with her BS. Later the OP has revealed her insecurities. The problem is she can't control a stronger man which scares her, and this younger inexperienced guy is one she won't respect. 1
RedRobin Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) Even a billionaire can have very low self-esteem and terrible confidence with women. I live in London which is the capital of men that are rich, work-confident and attractive but are complete doormats with women. Easiest way I can tell is when you stare at a flaw about them (e.g. hairline, stomach, chest, hands) and suddenly they shuffle and get insecure like they're a girl. Or when a girl rejects them and you see them cry outside the bar. This is the type of guy that is interested in women 5+ years older. Like I said, no self respecting guy would date a women where she was the one following the half + [single digit number] rule. Guys that date older women have mom issues, are mommas boys, insecure (they think that they an older woman wouldn't cheat on them) and probably don't have any game so couldn't get younger women anyway. Whatever. Both of these men are quite confident. You don't get to where I met both of them (top 5 grad school in the US), get through the Olympics and/or into NASA training by being anyone's doormat. Both of them are liberal minded, and (like a lot of younger people) probably not all that aware of how large age differences play out over time. Their insistence that adoption was ok, for instance. The Olympic athlete married a woman a few years older than him. The NASA candidate, a few years younger. Knowing a bit about their now wives, we weren't all that dissimilar. *shrug*. Having a bit more life experience than them, I had to believe they were underestimating their likely desire for a biological child at some point. I turned out to be correct. If anything, both of them were very keen to be married before they left college. I was a good candidate, probably a lot better than lots of the women they came across in school. A little more patience, and they both did fine. I don't think older men are better just because they are older. Not more 'mature', not more faithful, not more willing to settle down. Those are some useful stereotypes lots of older guys use to reel in younger women for sex, etc or whatever they fancy. Younger women don't have enough experience to see through that and tend to buy it hook, line, and sinker. Glad you agreed with me on that. Women who date much older men also have daddy issues. It's just that society has told them for so long that it's ok to have those issues, and that its ok for men to screw relative children. Your half + whatever rule is based on standards that originated in selling off women as child brides, or women having to marry someone (anyone) in order to survive... then just propagated from there. Edited May 5, 2015 by RedRobin 1
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 Taking a ride back to your apartment was a sign you guys will get physical, but then you tell him you want to take things slow. You gave him mixed signals and you shut him down. You're wrong. Taking a ride back to my apartment wasn't a sign we would get physical. I live at home with my parents so there was no way that he would even be able to go to my house. I only asked him to take the Uber ride with me because it was my first time riding Uber. He was kind enough to accompany. On top of that, you are demeaning him. You have very little respect for him already just because of his age. Just a 3 year difference mind you. Since you already have this perception, anything else about him you already see negative and dismiss him just because he is younger than you. I didn't demean him. My perception of him is that he still has a long way to go in life, and he hasn't had as much experience as myself. The only bad thing I see about this guy is he is probably still hung up on his ex. He's not taking you serious enough because he may just be still getting over his 5 year relationship ending. That in itself should tell you to leave him be for romantic pursuit. Even if you give him 3 months, he may not have moved on by then. In addition, since you already knock him down for his age, I doubt in 3 months it will improve for you. He isn't hung up on his ex. I thought so at first, but he hasn't brought her up in any shape or form. In fact, he seemed adamant about dating me, and has been trying to meet up with me. Unfortunately, I just started my internship and I am busy with finals so I have not gotten around to seeing him. So from the looks of it, he is really happy to be with me.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 From her early descriptions of this guy my reaction was: She is going to destroy this young man. Please dump him now! Her attraction to him isn't very strong and she's focusing too much on his flaws. She doesn't respect him. She does need an older guy with his life in place who won't put up with her BS. Later the OP has revealed her insecurities. The problem is she can't control a stronger man which scares her, and this younger inexperienced guy is one she won't respect. I am not going to destroy him. C is my close friend and I wouldn't think to hurt him in any shape or form. I'm still hurt from my ex, and C knows this, and he knows I'm only willing to take things slow with him. My insecurities are that a guy will leave me again. I trust C and I have opened up to him about my past. We were both hurt by our exes. He makes me happy. He hasn't made me cry yet. And I dont think he will make me cry.
mmachix Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I'm dealing with this sort of thing. I would never date a man younger than me, but this guy I just me is two years younger than me. At first it kind of grossed me out, but slowly he turned me on, because he gives me attention all day and he is so nice to me. If another younger man wanted to date me I would reject him. Just that this new guy is special to me.. Its up to you how you feel
Tribble Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 I would never have dated a guy younger than me - but my bf is 4.5 years younger than me (I'm 26, he's 22). We get along great and, most of the time, I don't even notice. It isn't apparent when we're together and it isn't apparent when he's with my friends. It's exactly what everyone else is saying, it's where you are in life. I went to uni, he didn't so we're at similar stages in our career. He wants kids relatively soon, but I want to wait, age doesn't dictate when you are ready for these things. You should date a person, not their age. I was pretty hesitant at first but it hasn't been an issue. Regardless of the age, I don't think you should date him. You seem attracted to him physically but that's about it. I just get the impression you're dating him because you get on and he's a safe bet (he hasn't made you cry, you don't think he'll hurt you etc.). Where is the spark? Where is you wanting to take this relationship forward? There's going slow and there's slamming on the brakes. I think you should also assess your dating priorities. A lot of the things you are putting as negative have nothing to do with age. Having a few years on him isn't going to automatically a successful career make. And video games are hardly age dependent, I know plenty of 27 year olds who aren't giving them up any time soon. It just seems like your making excuse after excuse not to date this guy, his age being your opening argument. But you don't have to date him. Find someone you want to date and let him do the same.
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