xpaperxcutx Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 After taking some time off from dating, I finally decided to take a close friend's advice and date a guy whom I friend-zoned a while back. Now I know what you are all thinking, how can I date someone who I friend-zoned? The thing was, at the time, I wasn't ready to date and I considered him a very good friend with whom I didn't want to ruin my friendship with.He was kind enough to understand and respected my choice. As of late, I find him very attractive, and given that I have not dated in over 5 months, I really wanted to give him a chance. An issue I haven't been able to overlook is the fact he is 23 and I am 25, going on 26. The age gap is significant considering I have never dated anybody younger than myself before(My ex of three years was 36). My mindset is on marriage and kids in the future, and a relationship should reflect that. He has expressed that he is the type to think about family and kids, but also at the same time, he tends to do a lot of things which makes me view him as a kid- - he loves video games - he's in a band (plays music as a hobby) - he skateboards On the other hand, he is pursuing a career in IT (as well as myself) and I know he is persistent in being the best he can be. I find him a sweet heart since we both share a similar past relationships ( with toxic exes) and I know we will not hurt each other. Most important part is that he makes me laugh and smile and completely forget my worries. Now the question is, is age really just a number? The friend who encouraged me to make this choice said that everyone should date according to the half your age plus seven (?) rule. He told me I shouldn't limit my dating prospects simply because I prefer to date older man, and instead go for someone who likes me. Yes, this guy really likes me, but I do know that any attraction are always physical at best. I am extremely cautious about men who only date me for my looks and I told him that I would like to take things slow, and if it didn't work out I can still be friends. So LSers, am I making the right decision? Is age really just a number?
neowulf Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 So LSers, am I making the right decision? Is age really just a number? Ok, my perspective. When I was 23.. well frankly I was still a bit of an idiot. I think a lot of men will chime in and offer the same. I didn't really start to "grow up" till I was about 26. Things changed a lot once I'd secured a full time job and moved out of home on my own. That had a lot to do with my maturing. The issue isn't so much about "age". It's about where you are at a given point in your journey through life. My parents were married at 19 and my mother had her two children by 23. Their journey was greatly accelerated compared to my own 36 / No kids / Never Married status. Depends what you're looking for in the next few years. If you're still dating around casually, sure could be worth exploring. But there's a chance you're going to want something more serious a few years before he's ready for it.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 3 years is a very small difference. You're not in high school anymore. 3
blackcat777 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Age is just a number (my man is close to a decade younger). BUT, our life paths match up. I took off to travel for years after high school... we're both in school working on our careers now. We both don't want to touch anything related to children with a ten foot pole for another decade. Our connection is so intense, it works in spite of the gap. If you have an open mind, dating someone with some cultural and experiential differences is humbling and illuminating. You have to have a thick skin and a strong sense of humor. That being said, less than three years is hardly an age gap, IMHO. It really just depends on the people involved. It's always important to be a kid at heart. As long as this guy doesn't play video games or skateboard to the point of it interfering with his capacity to have a relationship, guys love to play at many things. My dad has a ridiculous gaming setup for his PC... If you are starting to think about kids and want them soon-ish, if that's your serious priority, and all this guy can do is give you a big HELL NO, I would say in that kind of situation, you're better off cutting your losses now. Or, if he's so immature that he can't show you basic respect... that's another issue. Neither of these sound like what you said, but I'm just putting it out there. Another thing with younger people is that they tend to change their minds frequently. You have to be open, flexible, and willing to let them learn on their own. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue or you'll come off like you're mothering. Ultimately, though, that kind of space to allow your partner to grow and respect for their individual process seems like a healthy thing to have in a relationship, no matter what... I guess that's just one of the awesome life lessons dating with an age difference taught me. I understand how easy it is to feel completely mental about certain aspects of being with a younger guy. If you click, if there's a chance your timelines could intersect, and he's a great guy who wants to make you happy... I have to say, don't let the age stop you. (Let legitimate relationship dealbreakers stop you.) I felt so completely crazy in the beginning for going for it, in my situation, and my man is one of the greatest blessings in my life. It's an adventure, but I LOVE adventures. My $0.02 1
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 Ok, my perspective. When I was 23.. well frankly I was still a bit of an idiot. I think a lot of men will chime in and offer the same. I didn't really start to "grow up" till I was about 26. Things changed a lot once I'd secured a full time job and moved out of home on my own. That had a lot to do with my maturing. The issue isn't so much about "age". It's about where you are at a given point in your journey through life. My parents were married at 19 and my mother had her two children by 23. Their journey was greatly accelerated compared to my own 36 / No kids / Never Married status. Depends what you're looking for in the next few years. If you're still dating around casually, sure could be worth exploring. But there's a chance you're going to want something more serious a few years before he's ready for it. I don't disagree that men in their early 20s are a bit immature. As I age, my dating scope also changes. For example, when i was 23, I exclusively dated men within the same age range -23-28. I am well aware men do not not mature at the same speed as women and thus my initial hesitancy to consider any guys younger than me. At my given point in life and given my past relationship, I am sincerely considering marriage and kids when I get older preferably in my early 30s. Im trying to be more receptive to the fact that this guy is trying to be more mature. He told me he had moved out to live on his own in the past, and in his last relationship he was with his high school sweetheart whom he thought was he was going to marry. Of course I am also taking in his cultural background (Spanish) and I can tell he is family-oriented. I'm not looking for casual and I definitely do not want to sleep around. I want a serious committed relationship, preferably long term.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 Age is just a number (my man is close to a decade younger). BUT, our life paths match up. I took off to travel for years after high school... we're both in school working on our careers now. We both don't want to touch anything related to children with a ten foot pole for another decade. Our connection is so intense, it works in spite of the gap. If you have an open mind, dating someone with some cultural and experiential differences is humbling and illuminating. You have to have a thick skin and a strong sense of humor. That being said, less than three years is hardly an age gap, IMHO. It really just depends on the people involved. It's always important to be a kid at heart. As long as this guy doesn't play video games or skateboard to the point of it interfering with his capacity to have a relationship, guys love to play at many things. My dad has a ridiculous gaming setup for his PC... If you are starting to think about kids and want them soon-ish, if that's your serious priority, and all this guy can do is give you a big HELL NO, I would say in that kind of situation, you're better off cutting your losses now. Or, if he's so immature that he can't show you basic respect... that's another issue. Neither of these sound like what you said, but I'm just putting it out there. Another thing with younger people is that they tend to change their minds frequently. You have to be open, flexible, and willing to let them learn on their own. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue or you'll come off like you're mothering. Ultimately, though, that kind of space to allow your partner to grow and respect for their individual process seems like a healthy thing to have in a relationship, no matter what... I guess that's just one of the awesome life lessons dating with an age difference taught me. I understand how easy it is to feel completely mental about certain aspects of being with a younger guy. If you click, if there's a chance your timelines could intersect, and he's a great guy who wants to make you happy... I have to say, don't let the age stop you. (Let legitimate relationship dealbreakers stop you.) I felt so completely crazy in the beginning for going for it, in my situation, and my man is one of the greatest blessings in my life. It's an adventure, but I LOVE adventures. My $0.02 Hi Black Cat, thank you for your input. I absolutely agree with you that a partner should share similar paths when it comes to compatibility. He and I are both interested in technology and thus why we are where we Are. However, compared to him I absolutely do have more work experiences (administration/ office work) and I also am more confident than him. I am in college while he had dropped out. But he plans to go back to school once he finds a good job. You are absolutely right about the mothering aspects. I have a tendency to mother most of my bf and I do not want to do thst as it will hinder his abilities to take care of himself. So should be less opinionated and allow him to be more assertive? Its absolutely tiring if he ends up asking me to tell him what to do.
Toodaloo Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Sorry OP but I personally think that the problem is in your mind and not your relationship with this guy. The gap is nothing and will only become even more insignificant as you get older... Enjoy! Some of the best Dads are the grown up kids... You can still play and have fun when you are married with a mortgage and kids!!! 3
WCE96 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 After taking some time off from dating, I finally decided to take a close friend's advice and date a guy whom I friend-zoned a while back. Now I know what you are all thinking, how can I date someone who I friend-zoned? The thing was, at the time, I wasn't ready to date and I considered him a very good friend with whom I didn't want to ruin my friendship with.He was kind enough to understand and respected my choice. As of late, I find him very attractive, and given that I have not dated in over 5 months, I really wanted to give him a chance. An issue I haven't been able to overlook is the fact he is 23 and I am 25, going on 26. The age gap is significant considering I have never dated anybody younger than myself before(My ex of three years was 36). My mindset is on marriage and kids in the future, and a relationship should reflect that. He has expressed that he is the type to think about family and kids, but also at the same time, he tends to do a lot of things which makes me view him as a kid- - he loves video games - he's in a band (plays music as a hobby) - he skateboards On the other hand, he is pursuing a career in IT (as well as myself) and I know he is persistent in being the best he can be. I find him a sweet heart since we both share a similar past relationships ( with toxic exes) and I know we will not hurt each other. Most important part is that he makes me laugh and smile and completely forget my worries. Now the question is, is age really just a number? The friend who encouraged me to make this choice said that everyone should date according to the half your age plus seven (?) rule. He told me I shouldn't limit my dating prospects simply because I prefer to date older man, and instead go for someone who likes me. Yes, this guy really likes me, but I do know that any attraction are always physical at best. I am extremely cautious about men who only date me for my looks and I told him that I would like to take things slow, and if it didn't work out I can still be friends. So LSers, am I making the right decision? Is age really just a number? Age is just a number, to an extent
Mrlonelyone Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Well neuroscience says that the pre-frontal cortex, where judgment lies, does not fully mature until about 25. Those years from 20 to 25 are big years in our growth and development. That said, you are 25 and he is 23, it is just two almost three years. That's nothing. Plenty of men have been married to women much older than themselves. Todaloo's advice reminds me of something my last significant EX's father said to me. In 10 years a 10 year age difference won't make a difference. You see, when you think of a relationship think positive, think of the best 10-20 year outcome you could have. In 10 years a two year age gap will be literally nothing. If you say "I can't see being with this guy in 10 years".... then NEXT him. Don't even waste your time on him. (You could also just enjoy him as a short term fling in which case his youth and energy can be an asset.)
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 YOU are 25 and are considering kids in your early thirties, so there is no rush for you. Play it by ear. If you enjoy being with him, enjoy being with him. 2 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. We need to grasp happiness where we can find it. It may work out well for you, it may not, but that can happen with any age of partner and whether they are deemed "suitable" or not.
RedRobin Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Wha? Two years? He's your peer, not a 'younger man'. Sheesh. I'm more concerned with your erroneous belief that being with a much older man means he will necessarily be more commitment minded, or mature, or anything else... and that you are short-changing yourself in the long run by doing so. To me, 36 and 23 is a HUGE age gap. I'm older than you, and I'd never date someone 13 years older than me. I see a lot of women your age overestimating their own 'maturity', with some older men kind of pandering to that so that they can get some young booty. If you want to play into that, ok, but I think you are better off in the long run with people who are at a similar life stage as you. There are plenty of men your age who are serious and commitment minded. You just need to expand your social circle or choose new ones if you want to find them.
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 My husband is the 1st younger man I ever dated. After the initial angst I rarely remember the age difference Date the person not a calendar. Age is only a factor when the two people are at different life stages. It sounds like you two are in the same place.
Guitarisgood Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 From my point of view, it feels like you're using his age as a foil for your doubts about his maturity. Age and maturity although seemingly would go hand in hand, it does not. I come from a migrant family and was raised as the sole speaker of english essentially. Hence by the time of 18 I was already managing family retirement funds, business decisions and the likes while my friends were getting drunk and exploring late nights out. Only judge him on his character. So many of us grow old and lose our childhood innocence, let him keep his and may those passions flourish and be passed onto his kids. He sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. He has expressed that he is the type to think about family and kids... Most important part is that he makes me laugh and smile and completely forget my worries. Those two sentences you wrote stand out the most to me. Should then they be the only things that matter?
Els Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 If you're already second-guessing someone this early on, IMO it's only going to get worse in a year or two from now. If you're convinced you only want something casual (and that you can communicate that clearly with him and keep it casual) then by all means go for it, but it really doesn't sound like a good prospect for a LTR. It's not his age that is the problem necessarily, but rather the fact that YOU view him as a kid. Everything that you have listed sounds good on paper, but how can you possibly feel sexual attraction for someone whom you think of as a kid?
wb1988 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) half your age plus seven (?) rule I know it's not politically correct to say but that's only for men, it's different for women. No self respecting 27yo male would date a 40 year old woman, or 24yo m with 35yo f; that rule doesn't apply to both sexes! But I think 2-3 year younger gap is still ok at any age for women. Of course I am also taking in his cultural background (Spanish) and I can tell he is family-oriented. Yeah all other cultures can come off that way (grass is greener), but I'm telling you it's all the same. It's not so much the culture but rather the individual person. YOU are 25 and are considering kids in your early thirties, so there is no rush for you. Unless she's planning to meet, marry and have kids with a guy in a period of 1-2 years then I think there is a rush. You don't marry the next guy you meet and it's likely you'll have to do some weeding out that could take years. Even then it doesn't always lead to marriage and even after marriage you might get a divorce before you have kids. If she wants a 'family' by her early 30's then I think she should definitely start quick. Edited May 1, 2015 by wb1988
Frank2thepoint Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 To answer your main question, age is just a number, especially when it's only a 3 year difference. but I do know that any attraction are always physical at best. I noticed this gem in your post. Wow, you need to not date anybody for a while until you remove this perception. If you honestly believe that all relationships are just based solely on physical chemistry then you shouldn't be dating anyone, because you'll never have a serious healthy relationship. On top of that, you've only been single for 5 months, which hardly enough time to heal from a toxic past relationship. Just stay single for a while longer. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 After taking some time off from dating, I finally decided to take a close friend's advice and date a guy whom I friend-zoned a while back. Now I know what you are all thinking, how can I date someone who I friend-zoned? The thing was, at the time, I wasn't ready to date and I considered him a very good friend with whom I didn't want to ruin my friendship with.He was kind enough to understand and respected my choice. As of late, I find him very attractive, and given that I have not dated in over 5 months, I really wanted to give him a chance. An issue I haven't been able to overlook is the fact he is 23 and I am 25, going on 26. The age gap is significant considering I have never dated anybody younger than myself before(My ex of three years was 36). My mindset is on marriage and kids in the future, and a relationship should reflect that. He has expressed that he is the type to think about family and kids, but also at the same time, he tends to do a lot of things which makes me view him as a kid- - he loves video games - he's in a band (plays music as a hobby) - he skateboards On the other hand, he is pursuing a career in IT (as well as myself) and I know he is persistent in being the best he can be. I find him a sweet heart since we both share a similar past relationships ( with toxic exes) and I know we will not hurt each other. Most important part is that he makes me laugh and smile and completely forget my worries. Now the question is, is age really just a number? The friend who encouraged me to make this choice said that everyone should date according to the half your age plus seven (?) rule. He told me I shouldn't limit my dating prospects simply because I prefer to date older man, and instead go for someone who likes me. Yes, this guy really likes me, but I do know that any attraction are always physical at best. I am extremely cautious about men who only date me for my looks and I told him that I would like to take things slow, and if it didn't work out I can still be friends. So LSers, am I making the right decision? Is age really just a number? First of all, that age gap isn't big enough to worry about. Secondly, yes, age is just a number. Maturity level, however, is a state of mind . . . a guy only dating a woman for her looks makes me question his level of maturity.
oh.so.lost. Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Honestly, how'd it work out with the older men you've dated? At the ages of 23 and 25, you are basically at the same stage in life. Just let go of the negative labels and be open minded... Maybe you will enjoy learning about his hobbies, music preference, and experiences that are different from the older men you've dated in the past. It could be exciting and help keep the relationship fresh! 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 You're complaining over basically a three year difference? It's not like you're still in high school dating a freshman. The only time I could see someone questioning the age difference is if it's over ten years apart. But even then, it comes down to chemistry. I always dated older women back in the day because I genuinely got along better with them. In the end though, their insecurities would always come out and I just got sick of it. So now I'm trying to stay relatively close to my age.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 Honestly, how'd it work out with the older men you've dated? At the ages of 23 and 25, you are basically at the same stage in life. Just let go of the negative labels and be open minded... Maybe you will enjoy learning about his hobbies, music preference, and experiences that are different from the older men you've dated in the past. It could be exciting and help keep the relationship fresh! He turned 23 just this past February... I'll be 26 this coming November... I am trying to be open minded but like someone else has said, men don't really know what they want until they reach the mid-point, which is 25. He likes a lot of things which I don't like, such as video games, but at the same time, I am willing to see where dating can lead us.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 You're complaining over basically a three year difference? It's not like you're still in high school dating a freshman. The only time I could see someone questioning the age difference is if it's over ten years apart. But even then, it comes down to chemistry. I always dated older women back in the day because I genuinely got along better with them. In the end though, their insecurities would always come out and I just got sick of it. So now I'm trying to stay relatively close to my age. The 11 year age difference between my ex and I helped me grow up and understand what I want in life. I'll be 26 in November, if my mindset is on building my career and also wanting to settle down, wouldn't I seriously consider dating someone with the prospect of marriage? Kids could always come later, but knowing myself, I may start getting wedding fever by age 27-28.
oh.so.lost. Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 He turned 23 just this past February... I'll be 26 this coming November... I am trying to be open minded but like someone else has said, men don't really know what they want until they reach the mid-point, which is 25. He likes a lot of things which I don't like, such as video games, but at the same time, I am willing to see where dating can lead us. So, from what I've experienced... there's no magical number that determines when a man knows what he wants. If you're open and just ask him what he's looking for right now, then you may be able to better determine if he's dating material. I know men who are 35 and still don't know what they want. then I know guys who are 22 who know exactly what they want from a woman and are ready to propose to their GFs.
RedRobin Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 I know it's not politically correct to say but that's only for men, it's different for women. No self respecting 27yo male would date a 40 year old woman, or 24yo m with 35yo f; that rule doesn't apply to both sexes! With all due respect... I had an Olympic athlete (11 years younger) and a NASA astronaut candidate (15 years younger) pursue me HARD for a relationship. I had a very nice relationship with a man 9 years younger than me for over a year and we are still great friends to this day. Quite respectable younger men can and do pursue older women for relationships and marriage. However, for all of the reasons I've posted here and elsewhere, I turned most of them down. The only reason I didn't turn down the 9 years younger guy is because he convinced me he really, really didn't want children. The others claimed adoption was ok, but I wasn't buying it. As it turns out, both of them ended up finding similar age women to marry and have a family with. Long story short... best to stick with similar age people unless they are truly outliers. Most people are not outliers. I don't believe the OP is an outlier. She just needs to get out more, and change her perception of what a same age peer is. +/-2-3 years is same age. 1
MissBee Posted May 2, 2015 Posted May 2, 2015 After taking some time off from dating, I finally decided to take a close friend's advice and date a guy whom I friend-zoned a while back. Now I know what you are all thinking, how can I date someone who I friend-zoned? The thing was, at the time, I wasn't ready to date and I considered him a very good friend with whom I didn't want to ruin my friendship with.He was kind enough to understand and respected my choice. As of late, I find him very attractive, and given that I have not dated in over 5 months, I really wanted to give him a chance. An issue I haven't been able to overlook is the fact he is 23 and I am 25, going on 26. The age gap is significant considering I have never dated anybody younger than myself before(My ex of three years was 36). My mindset is on marriage and kids in the future, and a relationship should reflect that. He has expressed that he is the type to think about family and kids, but also at the same time, he tends to do a lot of things which makes me view him as a kid- - he loves video games - he's in a band (plays music as a hobby) - he skateboards On the other hand, he is pursuing a career in IT (as well as myself) and I know he is persistent in being the best he can be. I find him a sweet heart since we both share a similar past relationships ( with toxic exes) and I know we will not hurt each other. Most important part is that he makes me laugh and smile and completely forget my worries. Now the question is, is age really just a number? The friend who encouraged me to make this choice said that everyone should date according to the half your age plus seven (?) rule. He told me I shouldn't limit my dating prospects simply because I prefer to date older man, and instead go for someone who likes me. Yes, this guy really likes me, but I do know that any attraction are always physical at best. I am extremely cautious about men who only date me for my looks and I told him that I would like to take things slow, and if it didn't work out I can still be friends. So LSers, am I making the right decision? Is age really just a number? There is no hard and fast rule. Sometimes age gaps work based on the maturity level of the people and if they are at the same level, but many times they don't because there is a difference in levels of maturity or plain and simple stages of life. The most important thing I'd say is that if you're looking for marriage and kids, a man who is 23 more than likely isn't looking for that. Now, I definitely do know 23 year old married guys and men who want that (most tend to be religious in my experience), but the point is, if you see this guy as a kid who may potentially not want this, that's what you need to find out before wasting your time. So you can go out with him and bring up what you're looking for and see his response and what he wants. I'm around your age and cannot fathom dating a 23 year old because I too am building my career, looking for something long term and stable and I think at this point a man my age or older is more likely to not only want the same things but be in a similar life stage and position than a 23 year old guy. But like I said...you could go out with him and ask these questions and that will tell you if it is worth pursuing or not.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 2, 2015 Author Posted May 2, 2015 Hey everyone, Thank you so much for giving me your input. So I went out on a movie date last night with him to see the Avengers. He said it was a movie he really wanted to see, so I went out of my way to get us tickets in the city. He ended up being late for the movie and we had to sit at the seats all the way in the front of the theatre (the area where you are most likely to get a neck strain and headache). I got a little annoyed at having to wait for him, but he apologized saying he had some family errands to do and that he took a nap immediately afterwards and woke up late. After the movie, we walked to Times Square to see if we could get some food, and we ended up getting pizza. He was kind enough to pay and we had some talks and laughs about our individual lives. He ended telling me that he was going to meet his ex to give her back some money he owed her. Additionally, he was going to get some gifts that she had gotten him prior to his birthday before they broke up. I definitely did not approve of this, but since we just started dating, I told him if he was ever going to get back with his ex, to please let me know firsthand so I do not get hurt. He was very adamant that he was never going to get back together with her. Then we took an Uber back to my apartment. We hung out for a bit in the lobby of my apartment, and I let him give me a peck on my lips. I didn't go for a full-blown first kiss because I was still very hesitant. I told him when I said I wouldn't mind dating him that I would like to take things slow, and as such, I was adamant that kissing doesn't happen until I am sure about my feelings for him. He left after that, and I went upstairs to sleep. I personally am somewhat divided about my feelings for him. Yes, there is significant attraction because I find him incredibly sweet albeit naive (?). Our age difference is still evident( I even told him I felt like I was robbing the cradle). The ex issue where he is personally meeting her is something that I find incredibly annoying but it is not something I have control over. I forgot to mention that he and I knew each other since January, and we are friends and classmates at our IT program. I enjoy his friendship and his input into a lot of things. As someone has mentioned, I am getting to know a lot about his hobbies, preferences, etc. Given our current schedules, we are heading off to our individual internships, I will be interning for an investment institute while he will be heading off to the NY Times. The next time that I will see him face-to-face will be on Friday. I feel like we may not be in the same place in life but at the same time I feel like I should give us a little time to see if we're truly compatible or not. If I give him a time limit of 3 months, will be it enough for me to decide whether I want to pursue things further?
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