The Past is Bothersome

[sunshinesunshine]

My boyfriend keeps thinking about his past relationships noticing things from then into now happening. Like for instance him and I went to a concert this past Monday night.

 

I brought my gear to cover the show, camcorder and camera so I usually just run all over the venue snapping photos of the performers throughout the night. He knows I do this sort of thing when him and I go to shows together.

 

But he disliked how I was avoiding him and running away from him by doing my work. Here's the thing though, this venue was packed so trying to stick together is tough in there, you have to push your way through people then deal with drunks etc. So I would rather fly solo and do my work then meet up with him when I am done.

 

Another thing I did that night was crossed my arms a few times just because I felt like it. I am guessing I did it due to being cold because I didn't bring a jacket and I just wore a jean vest, tshirt, jeans, and sneakers. Yes I could have asked my boyfriend to wrap his arms around me to keep warm but I didn't ask him and just crossed my arms.

 

Now to him he saw this like "She's crossing her arms, she wants me to block off and leave her alone". BECAUSE his exgirlfriends or previous girls he dated did this, and that's what it meant apparently.

 

He's trying to understand me and just kept thinking something was bothering me or he was bothering me, like being a burden somehow. And he keeps bringing up the past thinking that stuff may happen again I guess.

 

Not sure what to do here.

[preraph]

He sounds insecure and that he thinks about things way too much. The most worrisome thing is he's jealous of you being at all independent and going and doing your thing. Not a good sign. Marry him and you might end up having to account for all your time down to the minute because he's suspicious and insecure.

[fitnessfan365]

Yeah unfortunately some people just have a hard time leaving the past in the past. The ironic thing is that the more someone harps on something, the more likely it will happen. For example. A guy gets paranoid that his GF or wife is cheating. So he always accuses her, questions her outfits, wants to know where she's going all the time, etc.. Yet it's this insecure behavior that is pushing her away and making her want to meet another guy.

 

Just like with your BF actually getting jealous of you doing your work and crossing your arms to stay warm. To him, it's like you're avoiding and being distant. But what makes you want to start being distant is his behavior. So in a way, it's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Vercetti]

In general crossed arms just comes off as standoff intimidating, you know how the security at a concert stands around. Sorry he failed to offer jacket.

 

I wouldn't like it if went on date and other half was running around doing a job. Now if your employer paid for tickets and greater access, I wouldn't have issue. Are you contracted by the venue or talent? Wouldn't have issue. Am I getting backstage and in VIP lounge, no issue. Are my drinks free, no issue.

[Satu]

Tell him that he's misreading you, and that you don't want every little thing you do to be analysed.

 

If you don't, it will kill all spontaneity.

[smackie9]

Here's the problem, you are trying to make your work/job into a date......next time keep your job and personal life separate. If you are working, don't bring him along simple as that. I'm sure he can find something else to do.

[fitnessfan365]

Here's the problem, you are trying to make your work/job into a date......next time keep your job and personal life separate. If you are working, don't bring him along simple as that. I'm sure he can find something else to do.

 

I was gonna say. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered why he came along when you were working, or why you were working on a date. Wouldn't it of made more sense just to see him on another night?

 

But I still think that him getting paranoid over arm crossing is a bit much.

[elaine567]

Mixing work and a SO is very often a problem, unless they are in the same line of work and totally understand.

You either get a bored, frustrated and upset SO or you don't do as good a job as you would have done had you been alone.

[sunshinesunshine]

I couldn't go to this event alone, I can't drive at the current time, and he wanted to go to this event because he liked the music. Him and I have gone to other events before where I have done this line of work and he didn't mind it and he even helped me. He always says he has a good time. But it's the past thats bothering him and the little things here and there.

[fitnessfan365]

I know you say that he has fun, etc.. But in all honesty, it comes off like your main motivation for him to be there is transportation. So what would happen if he said no? Would you take a taxi, get a ride from someone else, etc? Just curious.

 

I mean if he knows you can't drive, he may just be claiming to have fun, etc because you need a ride.

[sunshinesunshine]

I would just not go at all. If I did go without him I would probably take a family member or friend. But he wanted to go to this event either way and he doesn't care if I don't drive right now. I have my license just can't drive a car due to no insurance or job right now to pay for that stuff but I have been looking.

[rester]

He needs to understand that this isn't a date, that you will be working and he will be alone at the show. You can tell him that if he gets upset by you not being with him, that next time you will get someone else to drive you there that will be more understanding of your work.

 

It could also benefit you to be a little more understanding of where he is coming from. It sounds like he's doing a good job of communicating his issues and if you care about him you may choose to be more sensitive to those issues.

[preraph]

You're probably going to have to date someone who is in the business and understands and approves of what you do.

[TB Rhine]

*past

 

Sorry. Had to be done.

[fitnessfan365]

I would just not go at all. If I did go without him I would probably take a family member or friend. But he wanted to go to this event either way and he doesn't care if I don't drive right now. I have my license just can't drive a car due to no insurance or job right now to pay for that stuff but I have been looking.

 

Didn't you say you were there for work? Or is it a freelance gig and you mean that you have no regular source of income?

 

But since you're saying you just wouldn't go, that kind of puts him in the position of being your taxi service. I mean the guy is your BF so he's obviously going to want to help you out. However, if you take that into consideration, there may be times where he goes just because you need transportation.

[sunshinesunshine]

Didn't you say you were there for work? Or is it a freelance gig and you mean that you have no regular source of income?

 

But since you're saying you just wouldn't go, that kind of puts him in the position of being your taxi service. I mean the guy is your BF so he's obviously going to want to help you out. However, if you take that into consideration, there may be times where he goes just because you need transportation.

 

He isn't my taxi service we go on these dates to hang out and enjoy each other's company. I do not use him due to transportation. I do not use him at all. I am dating him because I like him.

 

And I was there for work I work as a freelancer but don't get paid for my work. I do it for the love of music and event in question.

[Gottabestrong]

He isn't my taxi service we go on these dates to hang out and enjoy each other's company..

 

See, I think that's where his problem with the event was, he did not feel like you were hanging out with him and enjoying his company. You even said yourself that you'd rather fly solo during an event like this and meet up with him afterwards. He probably wants you to stand next to him and enjoy the concert with him.

 

But of course this is a one-time event, you say he does that thing all the time, where he talks about the past or compares you with his ex-girlfriends. Could you give more examples? Because in the case of the concert I think most people understand where he is coming from.

[RedRobin]

So, this isn't paid work, yet you treat what should be a date into a work-like event. Fun for YOU. Sounds like a big bummer for him.

 

 

Would it be that tough to check in with him now and then while you are there? Give him a big hug? Show some appreciation? Sounds like you are using him as a taxi service, abandon him when you are there, then expect him to be, what, grateful?

 

 

Not sure if you understand how selfish you sound.

 

 

As far as the crossing arms, etc. He's trying to read your body language regarding how you feel. Nothing strange about that. You should be happy he even cares how you feel. Do you even care how HE feels about things, or is it your job to complain and take him for granted?

 

 

What do you do to show how much you appreciate him or that you care for him?

[rester]

I would just not go at all. If I did go without him I would probably take a family member or friend. But he wanted to go to this event either way and he doesn't care if I don't drive right now. I have my license just can't drive a car due to no insurance or job right now to pay for that stuff but I have been looking.

 

He isn't my taxi service we go on these dates to hang out and enjoy each other's company. I do not use him due to transportation. I do not use him at all. I am dating him because I like him.

 

And I was there for work I work as a freelancer but don't get paid for my work. I do it for the love of music and event in question.

 

Could it be at all possible your boyfriend doesn't understand your "work" because you are doing it for free? Because I can understand having hobbies and volunteering and being passionate enough about something to do it without getting paid, but you're calling this "work" and it doesn't sound like you have any other source of income. Are you giving away these photos and videos for free?? I'd have a huge problem with that if my girlfriend didn't have an actual source of income. It's hard to respect someone if they don't respect their own time and energy enough to not get what they deserve for it. It sounds like you're getting taken advantage of by whoever is using your photos. Freelancers should still get paid.

 

You could also try suggesting that he bring a friend with him to the show and then meet up with them afterwards.

[sunshinesunshine]

This is the thing, when him and I went to the concert, I was hanging out with him as well. Like when we first walked in both of us went into the crowd and watched the band playing. Then we both took off to check out their merchandise.

 

After that we found a table, sat down, talked, held hands, etc. Then when a new band would play I told him I had to go to take photos he understood, and I left to do my thing, then returned, told him all about it and then he would leave and go enjoy the band up close then come back and we would again chat and hold hands etc.

 

He even got us some drinks and we hung out this way throughout the night. He also helped me with my work, I had talked to one of the bands and he helped by being the camera guy so he enjoys helping me and us hanging out and going to these concerts.

 

I do care and appreciate him, I have been there for him and dealt with a lot of his issues and he has of mine so things are working out between us.

[sunshinesunshine]

Could it be at all possible your boyfriend doesn't understand your "work" because you are doing it for free? Because I can understand having hobbies and volunteering and being passionate enough about something to do it without getting paid, but you're calling this "work" and it doesn't sound like you have any other source of income. Are you giving away these photos and videos for free?? I'd have a huge problem with that if my girlfriend didn't have an actual source of income. It's hard to respect someone if they don't respect their own time and energy enough to not get what they deserve for it. It sounds like you're getting taken advantage of by whoever is using your photos. Freelancers should still get paid.

 

You could also try suggesting that he bring a friend with him to the show and then meet up with them afterwards.

 

And yes I do this all for free. My pay is to go to these concerts for free, I get free tickets, photo pass, interviews, merchandise. But real cash none and I am fine by that. A lot of these bands can't afford to pay anyway. I don't care if I don't get paid, my time of payment will arrive.

 

And I have been looking for work, this guy knows I do not work or drive and he is fine with it. He works, drives, and goes to school.

[kendahke]

This is your way of building your portfolio/resume for this line of work instead of waiting around for someone to give you a job to start doing the same thing, right? I see nothing wrong with doing that. That's called taking the initiative. It's like an unpaid internship and plenty of people do those to gain experience. I did it back when I was starting out in video editing.

 

He wanted to go--he wasn't forced to go, and he got up and did his own thing while he was there, so it wasn't like you used him to get there then ditched him for 3 hours. He just chose to fixate on his past for whatever reason because as you said, he was fine with things for the bulk of the evening. He probably saw his ex there or someone who reminded him of her and that's why he got weird.