Kashmala Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Hi everyone, I’m looking for some insight on my situation. I come from a culture where an engagement happens a little differently. The guy brings his family over, families talk, and then a date is set for when rings are exchanged and you’re officially ‘engaged’ at that point. So, my engagement is in 3 days, and I started feeling uncomfortable about the entire situation a week earlier hoping the engagement would be delayed or postponed but could not make sense of why I was feeling this way. I do, however, want to share the ups and downs of my relationship with my potential-fiance, which may contribute to me feeling this way. I met my boyfriend 1.5 years ago – we met off of a forum where we became fascinated by each other’s intellect, interests and felt like we immediately clicked. Meeting in person only further affirmed how much we thought alike, and I had never met someone who I could make such good conversation with. He was the ideal man for me – not in terms of looks – but his goals, intellect, traditional outlook etc and I was sure he was the one. He gave me a lot of attention and time and affection that also made me fall for him. Nonetheless, early in our relationship I noticed he was very moody, and sensitive. He was also very buddy buddy with his ex whom he never told me about but always referred to as a ‘friend’. He would try to use her to make me jealous, they would hang out one on one, talk on the phone daily (even late nights). But being the unconfident and submissive girl that I am and attempting to never piss him off, I tried to be understanding about their relationship as I was also on good terms with some of my exes (but never met them one on one, never spoke to them on the phone, or gave them priority over him) This behavior continued for the first 6 months of our relationship, and I was utterly miserable, often walking on egg-shells so I wouldn’t piss him off in anyway. Having no sense of self-worth, I continued with the relationship thinking I was so in love, and wouldn’t find anyone better – who would give me so much time, and affection. However, after the 6 month mark I couldn’t handle the stress anymore and told him straight up that I could NOT continue this relationship if he did not cut ties with his ex. To my surprise he did cut her off, and I started to feel a little better. Though the ex was gone, I had built up so much resentment towards my bf. After the ex was gone, my bf’s behavior completely changed towards me. He suddenly became more understanding, less moody, less sensitive, started showering me with so many gifts, and limited his interaction with the opposite sex. But I was exhausted from chasing him during the first half of our relationship – and the tables turned. Now HE was constantly chasing me, I was always moody, upset, and unable to get over how miserable he had made me in the past – but I was seeing that he was changing for me, which is why I held on to that relationship. The next few months were just filled with fights, and him complaining how I didn’t love him enough due to be emotionally-drained. Yet, we both stayed together, and did have good times amidst all the fights. Things progressed and I’m not sure what delusional world I was living in, and his family met my family, everyone got along great, and before I knew it the engagement date was set. But a week before the engagement I analyzed our relationship, and was disappointed as to why I had even held on to him for the first 6 months of the relationship. Why couldn’t I see how badly I was being treated back THEN? I feel like I have NOW come to the realization that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. But I feel obliged to go with the engagement because my bf is so in love with me NOW, and now HE’s the one who can’t live without ME. And knowing that he did change, and does love me now does comfort me and I feel like I won’t be able to find someone who loves me as much as he loves me NOW – but at the same time, I feel stupid for even taking this relationship this far, and feel like I don’t have the ability to go back to being the loving and understanding girl I was with him in the first half of the relationship. Looking back now, I feel like I was drunk this entire relationship, and reality just hit me now – one week before the engagement? What do I make of this? Is this just anxiety as result of the engagement? Why didn’t I have the ability to realize all this before? On top of that, my parents LOVE him, and think I’m being completely stupid for over-analyzing things, and all these are petty issues – influencing me to think maybe everything wasn’t as bad as it seemed in my head?
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Have you shared these fears & concerns with your family since they are involved in your engagement? You better before people lose face. 2
Redhead14 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Hi everyone, I’m looking for some insight on my situation. I come from a culture where an engagement happens a little differently. The guy brings his family over, families talk, and then a date is set for when rings are exchanged and you’re officially ‘engaged’ at that point. So, my engagement is in 3 days, and I started feeling uncomfortable about the entire situation a week earlier hoping the engagement would be delayed or postponed but could not make sense of why I was feeling this way. I do, however, want to share the ups and downs of my relationship with my potential-fiance, which may contribute to me feeling this way. I met my boyfriend 1.5 years ago – we met off of a forum where we became fascinated by each other’s intellect, interests and felt like we immediately clicked. Meeting in person only further affirmed how much we thought alike, and I had never met someone who I could make such good conversation with. He was the ideal man for me – not in terms of looks – but his goals, intellect, traditional outlook etc and I was sure he was the one. He gave me a lot of attention and time and affection that also made me fall for him. Nonetheless, early in our relationship I noticed he was very moody, and sensitive. He was also very buddy buddy with his ex whom he never told me about but always referred to as a ‘friend’. He would try to use her to make me jealous, they would hang out one on one, talk on the phone daily (even late nights). But being the unconfident and submissive girl that I am and attempting to never piss him off, I tried to be understanding about their relationship as I was also on good terms with some of my exes (but never met them one on one, never spoke to them on the phone, or gave them priority over him) This behavior continued for the first 6 months of our relationship, and I was utterly miserable, often walking on egg-shells so I wouldn’t piss him off in anyway. Having no sense of self-worth, I continued with the relationship thinking I was so in love, and wouldn’t find anyone better – who would give me so much time, and affection. However, after the 6 month mark I couldn’t handle the stress anymore and told him straight up that I could NOT continue this relationship if he did not cut ties with his ex. To my surprise he did cut her off, and I started to feel a little better. Though the ex was gone, I had built up so much resentment towards my bf. After the ex was gone, my bf’s behavior completely changed towards me. He suddenly became more understanding, less moody, less sensitive, started showering me with so many gifts, and limited his interaction with the opposite sex. But I was exhausted from chasing him during the first half of our relationship – and the tables turned. Now HE was constantly chasing me, I was always moody, upset, and unable to get over how miserable he had made me in the past – but I was seeing that he was changing for me, which is why I held on to that relationship. The next few months were just filled with fights, and him complaining how I didn’t love him enough due to be emotionally-drained. Yet, we both stayed together, and did have good times amidst all the fights. Things progressed and I’m not sure what delusional world I was living in, and his family met my family, everyone got along great, and before I knew it the engagement date was set. But a week before the engagement I analyzed our relationship, and was disappointed as to why I had even held on to him for the first 6 months of the relationship. Why couldn’t I see how badly I was being treated back THEN? I feel like I have NOW come to the realization that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. But I feel obliged to go with the engagement because my bf is so in love with me NOW, and now HE’s the one who can’t live without ME. And knowing that he did change, and does love me now does comfort me and I feel like I won’t be able to find someone who loves me as much as he loves me NOW – but at the same time, I feel stupid for even taking this relationship this far, and feel like I don’t have the ability to go back to being the loving and understanding girl I was with him in the first half of the relationship. Looking back now, I feel like I was drunk this entire relationship, and reality just hit me now – one week before the engagement? What do I make of this? Is this just anxiety as result of the engagement? Why didn’t I have the ability to realize all this before? On top of that, my parents LOVE him, and think I’m being completely stupid for over-analyzing things, and all these are petty issues – influencing me to think maybe everything wasn’t as bad as it seemed in my head? I feel like I was drunk this entire relationship, and reality just hit me now -- this is the psychological response to being in an abusive/dysfunctional relationship. It is a coping mechanism. The person dissociates themselves from the situation and simply starts going through the "motions" of a relationship. And, at some point, that "curtain" comes down when the situation gets to the point where it's overwhelming and the person cannot maintain that coping mechanism. In this case, the stress of becoming engaged has caused you to come back to "reality". That being said, now that you've gotten to this point, you need to step back and continue to analyze what your true feelings are now for this man. Do not accept the engagement because he loves you so much, because the family wants it, etc. Get clear in your head as to whether he is making you feel loved and needed in the relationship. Tell them you want to post pone the engagement for a bit. Be strong and be clear that you need to re-evaluate your feelings for the sake of everyone involved.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 I want to stress that I am not making excuses for your BF. I am also not a mind reader. So for all I know, this could be way off base. However, I'm going to formulate a guess. Men want passion that comes from knowing that their woman genuinely lusts for them. Now you openly admit that he really wasn't your type physically. It was more of a mental and emotional connection. I'm guessing that your boyfriend sensed the lack of passion in the relationship, and wanted to create some by making you jealous. If you get jealous and fight for him, then he's more than just your emotional outlet. Once you gave him that affirmation of demanding he cut the ex out of his life, he became more confident in your interest level and refocused on you.
Gary S Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Well it sounds like you still hold resentment for him, because he acted like a control freak in the first six months. Do you still argue with him? You may have to give it more time. What has happened is, your love level dropped at the 6 month point. Since you say he changed, your love level for him should be going back up - but it's not high if you are still focused on the resentment. You might want to postpone your engagement. I'll tell you something else.... if your love level does not go back up and you can't let go of the resentment, you might have to start with a clean slate - that means finding a new man. To have a healthy and happy relationship that lasts, both people need have a high level of love for each other. Relationships take work, and love is the payment. When there is not enough pay, people quit.
Author Kashmala Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 Have you shared these fears & concerns with your family since they are involved in your engagement? You better before people lose face. I have. Everyone thinks I'm making a big issue of petty things, and should just go ahead with the engagement for now.
CarrieT Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I have. Everyone thinks I'm making a big issue of petty things, and should just go ahead with the engagement for now. No, no, no... If you just "go along with" an engagement, how are you going to have the strength to NOT "go along" with a marriage?!?
Author Kashmala Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 An update on the situation... I was very moody yesterday, and wasn't talking to him properly. He kept telling me to tell him what was wrong in a very sarcastic tone, and kept being rude about it. I told him NOT to speak to me like that, and if he really cared about why I was feeling this way then he should ask me calmly. He kept getting rude, and said he'd call my dad to tell him I have issues. I yelled at him to not bring my parents into this. He then came back to me and asked me what my problem was... I told him that he needed to stop being so aggressive with me if he wanted to know the problem. He then went on to say how I never really liked him anyway, and was stuck on my ex. I then started yelling at him to tell him that HE was the one going out for dinner and movies with HIS ex - not me! He said I was too narrow-minded to understand that an ex and him can hang out together without something being in between them. He then threw his wallet and watch at me (both gifts I gave him for his birthday), got in my face and told me "You're the worst person I ever met, remember that." and walked away. I ran after him (stupid me) - he called his mother to tell him the engagement was not gonna happen. I call my dad to pick me up, both our parents speak and decide we should get engaged for now because everyone in the family knows. ugh.
Author Kashmala Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 (edited) Well it sounds like you still hold resentment for him, because he acted like a control freak in the first six months. Do you still argue with him? You may have to give it more time. What has happened is, your love level dropped at the 6 month point. Since you say he changed, your love level for him should be going back up - but it's not high if you are still focused on the resentment. You might want to postpone your engagement. I'll tell you something else.... if your love level does not go back up and you can't let go of the resentment, you might have to start with a clean slate - that means finding a new man. To have a healthy and happy relationship that lasts, both people need have a high level of love for each other. Relationships take work, and love is the payment. When there is not enough pay, people quit. Yes we still argue. For the past 3-4 months, I have not once mentioned the ex issue. It was only YESTERDAY that he brought up my ex whom I also used to speak to, which set me off about how HE was also socializing with his ex - and in a far more shady manner than I was. Prior to this, all our arguments have been about him feeling neglected. And what I constantly try to get across is that, HIM feeling neglected is a direct result of how HE behaved with me in the beginning of the relationship. Had he not been watching movies around with his ex - perhaps I would have been a different person today as well! But I always have to end up feeling like I'm wrong for feeling the way I did, and even though I let go of the issues a few months back - during arguments about OTHER things, this ex issue always arises. He gets crazy angry, says ALL these rude things, and I just end up feeling like I probably did something wrong to make him angry. Edited May 1, 2015 by Kashmala
Toodaloo Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I really think you need to talk to your family about this. If the engagement progresses into a marriage it is only going to cause embarrassment for both families eventually. Clearly both sets of parents are trying to be supportive. try talking to your other half as he clearly does not want this to go ahead either. Neither of you need to discuss the issues regarding the problems between you just that you both need to take a united front and speak to your parents, together, to explain that neither of you wish to continue with the current arrangements. Make sure you are both calm, firm and do not throw any mud at each other. Just state firmly that between you, you have both agreed that to continue would be detrimental to both families and it would not be a happy union.
PogoStick Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 You are asking for opinions from western culture with a different value system. Here you will find almost universal support for you to be a strong, independent woman who will not go through with this engagement. Do we have the right to say such things to you?
smackie9 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 The minute you stop letting him push you around with being rude and manipulating you, he will realize he doesn't have control over you. When he finds he has no control over you, he will loose all interest in wanting to marry you. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 You are asking for opinions from western culture with a different value system. Here you will find almost universal support for you to be a strong, independent woman who will not go through with this engagement. Do we have the right to say such things to you? Are they living in the United States? To me this is a human rights issue. She has the right to refuse to marry anyone.
PogoStick Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 Even in the US, I've known plenty of Indian men who will fly home for their arranged marriage and bring her back to the US. Just because they are in the US or other western country doesn't mean they abandon their culture. 1
kendahke Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 An update on the situation... I was very moody yesterday, and wasn't talking to him properly. He kept telling me to tell him what was wrong in a very sarcastic tone, and kept being rude about it. I told him NOT to speak to me like that, and if he really cared about why I was feeling this way then he should ask me calmly. He kept getting rude, and said he'd call my dad to tell him I have issues. I yelled at him to not bring my parents into this. He then came back to me and asked me what my problem was... I told him that he needed to stop being so aggressive with me if he wanted to know the problem. He then went on to say how I never really liked him anyway, and was stuck on my ex. I then started yelling at him to tell him that HE was the one going out for dinner and movies with HIS ex - not me! He said I was too narrow-minded to understand that an ex and him can hang out together without something being in between them. He then threw his wallet and watch at me (both gifts I gave him for his birthday), got in my face and told me "You're the worst person I ever met, remember that." and walked away. I ran after him (stupid me) - he called his mother to tell him the engagement was not gonna happen. I call my dad to pick me up, both our parents speak and decide we should get engaged for now because everyone in the family knows. ugh. Should or shouldn't get engaged? If the answer is "should", then your families are just wanting to be able to save face in front of their friends--they have no interest in either of your happiness. It's almost like anything to get you two out of their houses. Which is really, really sad. I would never push a bad marriage at my child just so I could look my friends in the eye. Your boyfriend is dead wrong--no, he cannot hang out one on one with an ex while calling himself being with you. If she's all that, then why is she his ex instead of his fiancee-to-be? And if you're the worst person he's ever met, then why has he wasted his time being with you? What does that say about him? Him threatening to "tell on you" to your dad is so immature it'd be laughable if this wasn't a serious problem you were dealing with. For real, dude? How freakin' old are you that you have to go tell on her? You need to call this engagement off, break up with him and find a man who doesn't need his ex's in his life. He's not grown enough to call himself any woman's husband.
kendahke Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 You are asking for opinions from western culture with a different value system. Here you will find almost universal support for you to be a strong, independent woman who will not go through with this engagement. Do we have the right to say such things to you? ^^^^^this right here Whether it's the US or the UK, how western culture would do something is completely different from what eastern culture would do.
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