movingon45 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Our affair has long been over but I still can't figure out why he sought me out. He always says that his marriage is perfect - they have same interests and have regular sex (almost every day). Are men really cake eaters? I did ask him why and he said that we had an unfinished business. We were college bf but we never had sex then. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Not quite perfect, you can't get strange with the same person. That's kinda sad, isn't it. Perfect marriage, yet he lies and cheats and risks it all. I'll never understand the cheating MM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 He may have the perfect wife, but she does not have the perfect husband. Unfinished business- thats just yuck- you are a person, not "business"- so glad there is an "ex" in front of MM for you- keep it that way! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingon45 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 He may have the perfect wife, but she does not have the perfect husband. Unfinished business- thats just yuck- you are a person, not "business"- so glad there is an "ex" in front of MM for you- keep it that way! Yes, so even if he fulfilled what's missing in my marriage I thought that I dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I often ask myself the same question. He always says they are like best friends. He treats her very well. She gets anything she wants. He kisses her ass. Ive known them for 13 years and always thought they had the perfect marriage. They just lack the intimacy. Even so, I dont see how someone who has such a good relationship with their spouse, would want to betray them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Our affair has long been over but I still can't figure out why he sought me out. He always says that his marriage is perfect - they have same interests and have regular sex (almost every day). Are men really cake eaters? Not all MM are serial cheaters but serial cheaters say things like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Not quite perfect, you can't get strange with the same person. That's kinda sad, isn't it. Perfect marriage, yet he lies and cheats and risks it all. I'll never understand the cheating MM. He did it because he could. Unfinished business was exactly what it was. He knew the OP well enough to know that the possibility of sex was there. Hard for a MM to cold approach a woman, but friends, ex friends and ex sexual partners are half way there. He just needs to choose his moment. Women in unfulfilled relationships, abusive relationships, unhappy relationships and broken relationships, are all ripe for the picking for a married man on the prowl, as are naive, "desperate" and lonely single women. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 He may have the perfect marriage but his wife doesn't. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 As OW, we are always pressing our noses against the glass of other people's lives/marriages. They look so perfect through that window, don't they? Trust me, it's not all rainbows and unicorns in there. Would you classify a marriage in which the husband gets sex from exes in order to complete "unfinished business" as a perfect marriage? Doesn't sound so perfect to me. And you know you're not the only piece of unfinished business that he felt entitled to complete. One thing, though: It's not that men are cake-eaters. It's that people can be cake-eaters. Cake-eating knows no gender. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 movingon45, did you ever ask him why? Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I am not sure what a "cake eater" is within this context, but women and men often pursue extra-marital relationships for quite different reasons. As a man, I know firsthand that women will never know the extent of how much we think about and deal with our sexual drive. For that reason, men truly can, and often do, enter into a sexual relationship even if everything at home seems "perfect." I often hear women say "there has to be something wrong or he wouldn't do it," and as hard as it is for her to understand, this just isn't always true. Men can and do get involved because they are just that hooked on sex and there is a certain thrill to being with someone new and/or different. There is, of course, the consequences that inevitably appear no matter what the reason someone decides to get involved in an affair. When it's all said-and-done, the excuses all fade away and the shame and pain make their appearance. Both parties will have to deal with the aftermath even if it appears that one or the other is getting away with something. These kinds of secrets always impact the lives of those who have them. I am glad that your affair is over and I hope you never go that way again. The thing about communication is that it always requires two. Just because someone reaches out to you doesn't mean you have to respond. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 There is a scene in the old movie "An Officer and a Gentleman" where the main character asks his best friend if he loves his fiancé back home since he is secretly cheating on her while he is away at boot camp, and he cavalierly replies "Well, everybody loves her". Then looks around for his mistress. Sad but that pretty much sums up how some serial cheaters think. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Our relationship is as ideal as it gets. So why did we get into swinging? Because even though we are each other's filet mignon every day, sometimes we just want chicken! (In other words, a little variety - which IS fun! - makes it easier to appreciate just how wonderful things are.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Are men really cake eaters? just like another poster said... cake-eating knows no gender! is your MM really happy...? sure, why wouldn't he be? you're forgetting that different folks have different definitions & versions of happiness - especially if what he gets on the side is sex ONLY in his eyes & heart. there is like... 7+ billion of us living and breathing right now. a lot of incredible & impossible things happen in the world. and i don't think we will ever figure humans out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I am not sure what a "cake eater" is within this context, but women and men often pursue extra-marital relationships for quite different reasons. As a man, I know firsthand that women will never know the extent of how much we think about and deal with our sexual drive. For that reason, men truly can, and often do, enter into a sexual relationship even if everything at home seems "perfect." I often hear women say "there has to be something wrong or he wouldn't do it," and as hard as it is for her to understand, this just isn't always true. Men can and do get involved because they are just that hooked on sex and there is a certain thrill to being with someone new and/or different. Does that not equally apply to both genders? More and more attached women are comfortable it appears with cheating, according to studies. The image of the cheating wife being ostracised and left penniless, homeless and friendless is outdated. More and more women are comfortable with making it known they want sex and that sex is uppermost in many women's minds too. Women who are not just going to put up with bad sex, BJs and sex when HE feels like it. The older perception of men want sex and women just put up with it, is being challenged everywhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 (edited) Yes - I understand your point elaine567 - there are always exceptions to any generalization. But - is it your position that most women get involved with extra-marital relationships because they are having "bad sex" at home? I would think that that scenario can and does happen but probably isn't the main reason women have affairs. My main point was, however, that everyone has their own reason for getting involved in an affair but it is not the best way to handle whatever problems that exist in a marriage. There still are fundamental differences between men and women and this applies to every area of life. Not just the sexual realm. Oh, and to answer your specific question - "Doesn't that apply to both genders?" - I personally think that it is more true for men than it is for women. I could be wrong, and there are always exceptions, but I still think more men get involved with affairs for purely sexual reasons than do women. Edited April 30, 2015 by GoBlue 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Some people are cake eaters, it's not just men in general. This is a case, which lots of affairs are, where the MM is not necessarily unhappy, hates his wife, they don't have sex, he feels something is missing, the OW his true love, or anything, but seeing an opportunity, having no boundaries, and for whatever reason thinking as long as your wife doesn't find out it's okay to have an A on the low because of unfinished business. He sounds emotionally immature to me, which is what many cake eaters are. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingon45 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Not all MM are serial cheaters but serial cheaters say things like that. I thought serial cheaters say that they don't get "it" at home, but I guess that there are all kinds! Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingon45 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 movingon45, did you ever ask him why? Yes, I did and he said that I'm an unfinished business. I guess that he wants to finish all his gf past or present! Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingon45 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 I am not sure what a "cake eater" is within this context, but women and men often pursue extra-marital relationships for quite different reasons. As a man, I know firsthand that women will never know the extent of how much we think about and deal with our sexual drive. For that reason, men truly can, and often do, enter into a sexual relationship even if everything at home seems "perfect." I often hear women say "there has to be something wrong or he wouldn't do it," and as hard as it is for her to understand, this just isn't always true. Men can and do get involved because they are just that hooked on sex and there is a certain thrill to being with someone new and/or different. I think this is it! He does have a lot of sexual drive and he's so good in bed. He doesn't hide anything. He tells it like it is. Link to post Share on other sites
AppleKakes Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I believe there are mostly three kinds of cheaters: 1-Starved men: they have wives who neglect them and they are hungry for sex, attention, respect, and/or affection. 2-Dogs: they have serious insecurity issues. While they may perpetrate a face of so-called ego, they seriously lack it. So, to "prove" something (ie their attractiveness, amount of women they can "game" and/or bed) they are on an endless quest to quench a thirst that can never be fulfilled. No woman will be enough for him. You can swing on a chandeler in the bedroom and next day he'll be chasing more tail. The grass will always be greener for him. 3-Mistakes: a guy who might be guy #1 (starved), steps out and repents and never does it again. He may have had a fight with the Mrs., gone to the local bar and had too much to drink and some chick starts saying sweet things and he slips. I also don't believe in the swinger "garden variety" in the bedroom type thing. When you open up the bedroom to more than the two people in the RL, the sex no longer becomes an intimate act of "bonding" with your SO...The sex becomes reduced to an "act" that basic animals do. No intimacy, no bonding.... Trust me, I've had sex where there was no connection and we were pretty much blow-up dolls with a pulse getting off. I don't expect that in a marriage and/or loving RL. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 I thought serial cheaters say that they don't get "it" at home, but I guess that there are all kinds! Well, they might say that, but what's most important is that SC's learn not to say anything bad about their W or M. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My xMM told me too that he has a 'good marriage' and that he is 'happily married'. To this day I still don't understand why he went after me then :/. It just doesn't make any sense to me. He even once said that they have a 'good sex life' but then he also said that the 'best sex was with me' (as if that's something to be proud about ....... No!). It just doesn't make sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Sometimes I think they enter into an A BECAUSE it is perfect at home. Because for some reason they think they'll fracture that perfection if they reveal their own imperfect impulses and desires. Illogically, ito some it can seem so much safer and easier to seek that additional ego stroke, sexual novelty, escape... Or whatever it is... From another partner without risking revealing themselves a nd the full extent of their procliveties and vulnerabilities to their spouse whose rejection they truly fear, and who is their partner in maintaining the 'perfect' status quo. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 So interesting SolG- in therapy we talked a lot about how we are viewed as an "it" couple- our kids are successful athletes, well liked at school, intelligent and we are highly involved in the program, I teach so I am well known in the community as well- he has worked his way up to VP and has tons of responsibilities- we have a second home, etc... all of that and he felt like we had hit a plateau- I was enjoying what I considered the product of years of hard work- he wanted/needed that ego boost that comes with climbing up life- I remember thinking it odd that he said (paraphrased) " I didn't want to seem ungrateful for all we have but I was missing feeling a rush" - umm, yeah, nothing says ungrateful like cheating, but..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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